• Member Since 15th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 10th, 2014

Doctoroctagonapus21


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Cassie, a hotel owner in Tallahorsey has a knack for turning away wealthy ponies who wish to purchase it. One night, a drunken, glowing pony named Fluoresence stumbles in and wrecks the place. So in order to pay off the debt, the oddball equine must now work at the hotel full-time but this pony's hiding a big secret....

Credit for the image goes to: Darkmagiciangirl100

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 13 )

Most intriguing! I can't wait for more! :pinkiehappy:

looks pretty good, can't wait for more!

And Moneybags got kicked in the yambags :yay:
Like'n the story so far *track*

I have really enjoyed what I've read thus far, I am definitely tracking :pinkiehappy:. The concept is quite different from most fics I've read and the characters seem like they have potential. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see where you take the story:twilightsmile:.

From just the first reading I just noticed one small error.
"Don't worry. I do this to everypony seriously wishing to buy the hotel because, so far, all of them have stuck-up snobs such as yourself."
Shouldn't there be a been between "have" and "stuck-up" or did you mean to put something else around there? The sentence just doesn't make sense as it is.

Excellent fic I give you 5 out of 5 moustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

371839

Yeah, that was an accident. Thank you for pointing it out, I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

Excellent chapter I give thee a happy pinkie:pinkiehappy:

This is great, I can't wait for more.

Enjoyed this chapter as always. Only thing I really have to say is that you should probably aim to write more per chapter. Your first chapter was a good solid length but all the chapters after that have been getting smaller and smaller. I also noticed two places where a change in the sentence structure would help people understand it a lot better.

"When she walked in the door, in the middle of the lobby was Kylie practicing her magic to try and lift a broom." - should probably be: When she walked in the door Kylie was practicing her magic in the middle of the lobby by trying to lift a broom. The sentence is just very awkward as it is written and would improve if it is changed into something similar to how I changed it. Also I think the comma was unneeded but I could be wrong about that.

"before cleaning up in silence, leaving Fluorescence to wonder just what dark pasts these ponies had and would she ever have to reveal her own?" - should probably be: leaving Fluorescence to wonder just what dark pasts these ponies had and if she ever have to reveal her own." First of all having the speech and all of this thought in one sentence is extremely clunky and most likely ungrammatical. I would suggest making Sylvia's response its own sentence and Fluorescence's thoughts a separate sentence. The would should be and if and the question mark needs to be a period. Fluorescence's thoughts are just her wondering if she would have to tell her own past, not a question.

Don't think that I hate what you're doing, I am really enjoying this story and want to see more. I am just offering some constructive criticism :twilightsmile:. Keep on writing! You're doing a great job :pinkiehappy:!

"<i>Everypony's just staring at me...</i>" thought a red pegasus, with his mane put up in a manly ponytail, as he trotted through a village. He thought maybe the scar over his now milky white right eye contrasted with his deep purple left eye was putting them off, or perhaps it was his enchanted obsidian armor that made him seem a bit menacing. <i>Where am I, anyway?</i>

I think you might need to go over this chapter again...

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