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Long ago, there was a magical Amulet. It was the base of all Unicorn, Alicorn, and any other type of magic. This magical Amulet is stolen, and Celestia, and Luna must journey far to take back the magical Amulet. Will they return the amulet back to it's rightful place, or will darkness prevail?
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A note: Please don't take this criticism as my trying to insult or discourage you. Rather, please take this as my trying to help you improve your prologue. This is only my opinion; use it as you see fit.
I think this story is suffering a lot from fragmented action and lack of portrayal of what's actually going on. You don't bring up the amulet after Master says he desires it so much, not do you say what happened during his absence; you leave me, the reader, in the dark without any clue as to what happened to him. You talk about Soulful Dusk suffering, but fail to show what's happening:
Are her wings scalded? Are they bleeding? Are they crippled beyond use? Is her fur singed? Is she bleeding? Is she on the brink of death, due to the hunger and exhaustion? You don't take the time to describe it, so it's hard for me to access the effect of this on her.
Speaking of which, it's hard to tell where they are and what exactly is going on. They have a teleporter, so I assume that they're in a lab, but it's hard to tell because there's no descriptions of it. The Master wants to steal the amulet, but it's hard to gauge how difficult a mission it's going to be when all I know is that it exists. I don't know where it is—I assume that it's a few thousand miles away, but I could be wrong—or what's guarding it, so it's hard to understand how difficult it will be to accomplish.
I will praise you on your conflict between Master and Soulful Dusk; Master merely wants to have power, and Soulful is split between earning his paternal love and gaining power. I will say, however, that this can be significantly strengthened. Here's why I think this conflict is weaker than it needs to be:
1. Why would she want power? It's obvious that Master wants to give her something, but doesn't want any relationship with her, so what does she want to rule over? What does she want to control?
2. What relationship does she have with her father?
It may be just because you don't have fluid transitions between the different moods, but it's hard to tell how much power Soulful has. She can obviously talk with some authority, even though she has a squeaky voice, but it seems like she has no power in this situation; this might be good, her exercising what power she can with her father, but the action that happens in the story doesn't clearly set the mood or where she is. I think you might want to add consequences to her dialog, such as his snapping at her or even slapping her when she speaks up about love or calls her father. That could help.
3. The dialogue needs work. I would like to suggest reading them speak out loud, and see how fluid it sounds. It's not casual dialogue, but rather seems more like a tyrant-subservient relationship, but it doesn't flow well. Here, let me show you two examples of what I'm talking about:
Neither of these flow well. They both have awkward phrases, like "the mix to make" and "power with force, and greatfulness" (which, I believe, should rather be greatness). The majority of the dialogue is awkward, and definitely needs to be touched up upon.
Overall, I think the main thing the story needs is clarification. How hard is it going to be to get the amulet? How much is Soulful suffering? Why is she in this in the first place? How do they see each other? Where are they? And what do they plan on doing with the amulet? Take all that with a large touch-up on dialogue and grammar, and I think you'll have a much better prologue.
Grammar-wise and prose-wise, I found four things that you might want to think about:
1. You mixed up choose and chose a number of times. Watch out for that.
2. Putting things like, "asked master." at the end of a multiple-sentence quote is a tad annoying. Consider putting that after the first sentence, so that the reader will know who is speaking and how he or she is speaking. for example, this:
becomes this:
Does that seem cleaner and more fluid to you?
3. You reference Master in multiple ways, such as Master, master, and the master. For consistency's sake, you might want to pick one of those and use it throughout.
4. Descriptions: Again, pointing out that you don't describe what Soulful looks like after she is hurt by the teleporter, but are willing to describe exactly what she made Master for breakfast. That tells me you need to focus on which descriptions to use. Knowing his breakfast doesn't say anything about anything, but knowing what she looks like after her torture will make her suffering clearer. Do you understand what I'm saying? Try using descriptions in order to set a mood and make a powerful emotion or appearance or action clearer to the audience. If I understand readers, they'll be much more absorbed into your story.
That's all I have. I wish you the best of luck with Chapter 1!
5451418 Thanks for the feedback. I'll start working on it.