My Knight

We were complete opposites the day I met her, I never expected to have anything in common with her.

She was the athlete, I was the nerd. That was what you saw in books a lot; the athlete bullying the nerd. But Rainbow Dash didn't bully me, she was one of my best friends.

I fought with her more than the others, but wasn't that how friendship worked? If you fought, was it was meant to be? Or...something along those lines.

She was the outdoors one, I was the inside lover.

Rainbow Dash loved speed, she was so much faster than me. She loved the outdoors, I preferred inside.

I don't mean to be rude, but I was the one with better book smarts. But Rainbow knew how to have fun. I didn't really all that much, I guess I can thank her for showing me the ways. Sort of. That was more Pinkie Pie though.

When it rains, Rainbow would have the urge to zoom around out in the rain. I had the urge to stay inside next to a fireplace with a good book.

We were bookworms.

One thing we did have in common, was our love for books. Of course, I was the one to show her how good books were. Once, Rainbow Dash even made me read a book that I thought was a waste of time. Guess what? I loved it! But that was a while ago, when I first became an alicorn and the new library/castle was around.

Now, I sat in front of Rainbow's old home in the pouring rain. The house was the big mansion she had owned for who knows how long. The mansion was that gray and blue color, but from years of nopony owning it, the color was more like a cement gray. Even though I couldn't see a lot of the landscaping, I knew what was around. I knew Ponyville like it was my own home.

She left me, I promised I would stay in Ponyville for as long as I could be. But she, and the others, left me all alone.

Pinkie Pie had became a baker, she was world known. She made great sweets. I ordered the castle to get any baked products from her.

Fluttershy went with Zecora to Mexicolt to help sick colts and foals. Her animals would be fine, because they lived in the vet. Fluttershy was a vet.

Applejack, she'd be back. She went to Applelousa to help her cousins with the trees and I think she was going to help other cousins in other places too.

Rarity, was exactly what we thought she'd become. Rarity was in Fillydelphia being a fashion designer. Most of my clothes were from her.

Rainbow Dash, became a Wonderbolt. Just like she wanted to be.

I was still here in this small, yet important, town. I thought I would be the first gone. I guess I was wrong. I couldn't tell if tears dripped down my face or if it was the rain.

I wish I could move on from this town. I could, Celestia would rather have me in Canterlot anyways. But I stayed put, I couldn't -move on.- I'd only leave Ponyville when I was forced to go.

I didn't want to be alone though, I knew everypony in Ponyville. But that's not what I mean. I wanted my friends, The Elements Of Harmony. I wanted my Knight In Rainbow Armor.

It was pitch black outside, for it was nearly midnight and raining. But the turn on of a light caught by eye.

"Twilight?"

I jumped, I didn't expect somepony to say my name. I looked up to see a silhouette of pony in the turned on light. They were standing in Rainbow Dash's doorway.

"Twilight? Twilight, is that you?" The voice grew more excited.

"Who? Who are you?" The rain made it hard make out the pony's voice, so the voice I heard was pretty incoherent.

The pony flew down to were I was seated at an unbelievable speed. My head already hurt from crying, I didn't want to pass out from my head spinning.

"It's me Twi. Rainbow Dash."

My eyes widened in disbelief. It couldn't be her, she would've told me she was coming back.

"Rainbow..."

I jumped into the cyan pegasus, but then, everything turned black.

I woke with a start, a straggled cry escaping my lips. I've had that dream for a while now. I stood outside her home in the pouring rain, then Rainbow Dash would be there. I'd jump into her then I woke up.

I breathed out heavily. Every time I had that dream, I had been so close to having my knight back. But it was always a dream. Just some nightmare that I wasn't sure I'd see her again.

I needed some air, so I raced out onto my balcony. It was beautiful night, the air blowing lightly.

Clearing my mind might let me sleep again, a little flight could be nice. If only...she could fly with me.

I flew quietly, my wings flapped lightly. I couldn't shake Rainbow Dash from my mind sadly. Instead, I thought back to the promise she made.

...

After the cyan pegasus had said goodbye to four of her five friends, she turned to the lavender alicorn. Rainbow gave a soft smile. "Don't worry Twi, I'll be back before you know it."

Twilight sniffed. "I know...but I know plenty about The Wonderbolts. They demand a lot out of you. Nopony knows when you'll be back. Not even The Wonderbolts themselves."

Rainbow Dash gave a sad sigh. "Well, maybe not 'back before you know it.' But I promise I'll be back. I won't leave you all alone."

"Pinkie Promise?"

"Pinkie Promise."

...

I didn't expect to reach the Canterlot Castle. I flew onto my room's balcony. If any of the guards saw me, they would assume I'd just gotten here or something like that.

I sighed. Rainbow Dash made that promise nearly two years ago. I knew The Wonderbolts, but I didn't expect she would be gone for two years straight.

"Oh Rainbow..."

Suddenly, the loud sound of a pair of wings broke the painful silence.

I turned around, quick as a whip, to see a pegasus standing on a pole that was just outside the balcony's bars. Magenta eyes flashed, and in the moonlight I could make out a cyan coat and rainbow mane.

I let out a shaky breath.

The pegasus smiled. "I told you I'd come back."

Rainbow Dash had returned. I didn't know why she had without a warning, or how she knew I'd be here. But that didn't matter right now. Rainbow Dash...was back.

I did what I always did before my nightmare ended; I jumped into my Knight In Rainbow Armor.

Author's Note:

I wrote this in a day. Twilight and Dash remind me of the person I like. I was feeling sad, get it?
Sorry if Twilight is a little OOC, and if there is any mistakes. I did edit/proofread/look it over though.

Damn, I write a lot of Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

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ponies_forever

ponies_forever #1 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · ·

Hey, I almost cried.

Good story.

The DJ Rainbow Dash

The DJ Rainbow Dash #2 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · ·

Now before I give my thoughts, I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to bash your writing in any matter. Anything I'm going to say is simply what I liked, and what I think could be improved or changed,

Reading the description alone gave me the hint that this was one of those "Rainbow Dash/Twilight is dead , and Rainbow Dash/Twilight depressingly reminiscences about said pony" type stories. It's not something original, but when written well stuff like that doesn't really matter.

Overall the story reads as a rough sketch.

There are still a fair share of errors scattered throughout, most of these being oddly worded sentences or things of the sort. For example...

If you fought, it was meant to be? Or...something along those lines.

I'm going to safely assume you were going to write "If you fought, was it meant to be?" Simply a mix up of words, but one that could be found by reading the line, as you can hear the awkwardness in how it sounds. Or...

I don't mean to be rude, but I was -am- more book, logical smarter than her.

Sounds like you had a conflict in adjectives here. I would use book myself, as "logical smarter" doesn't make grammatical sense. Also, the "am" part is unnecessary, and acts like an odd stoppage in the middle of your sentence there (I understand what you were trying to do there, but it doesn't fit Twilight's current "sad" mindset). This would leave you with "more book smarter than her" which still sounds strange. When you write, try and actually say the sentence to yourself, chances are you'll be able to tell if it sounds strange this way.

So in turn, I'd write the sentence like this:, "I don't mean to be rude, but I was the one with better book smarts."

Another thing to be careful for is how you use structure. There are far too many breaks between the supposed dream state and her actual thoughts, especially for the amount of words. It actually got me a bit lost as I read it, initially thinking that Twilight had imagined Rainbow had come back or something.

As for the rest of the story, it suffers from trying to cram way too much information and plot into too small a story. Trying to explain how much Twilight meant to Rainbow, how she is lost without Rainbow, how their friends are doing, AND make us really care about all of this is impossible in only 1000 words.

What I think is that you had so many ideas that you wanted to use, so you decided to use all of them at once. Instead, you probably would have been better off singling out certain ones.

If you want the reader to see Twilight's despair, to see how upset she is at the mere thought of Rainbow being gone forever, then show us (Do not tell). Really describe every action and detail, help us paint a picture in our minds of what you want us to see. Right now I have some lines that are trying to resemble a painting. You as the writer need to provide me with all the colors and textures to reach that painting, and make it as magnificent as can be.

Now, I sat in front of Rainbow's old home in the pouring rain. She left me, I promised I would stay in Ponyville for as long as I could be. But she, and the others, left me all alone.

This paragraph for example. How about describing how Rainbow's home looks now? Most likely it would be disheveled and unkempt since its abandoned, with its perfect shape and waterfalls not so perfect anymore. Or perhaps how Twilight got there? Her flight could have been ragged and painful, the emotion of nearing the home of a person she held so dear causing her to be unsteady and just not herself. Even something as simple as the weather. Mention just how frigid and icy the rain was, how it poured like a torrential downpour, how the clouds it came from were massive, dark gray, and just downright intimating.

All these little things put together can make an average story good, a good story great, and a great story a masterpiece.

Now, I understand this was written in a day about certain personal situations. I've been there too, I know how you feel. So I don't want you to think that I'm being a harsh critic or anything. I'm just trying to help a fellow author out