A young earth pony colt is confused and sad. He doesn't have his cutie mark and yet, he's past the average age of getting one. He doesn't know what he's in for or what he'll become. Will he be the famous hero or the infamous villain, how will he decide his fate? Only time and patience will bring him through to the other side in one piece.
EDIT: This probably isn't a comedy anymore but I'll keep it there. Also I added the two tags of gory and tragedy because thats basicaly what this story has turned into.
Also, I probably should have added this as an alternate universe a loooong time ago.
Chapters (19)
You've spelled the word "ambassador" incorrectly in your title, and your story description uses the word "passed" instead of "past". In the story itself, you've given your main character a name that I doubt anypony would give to their child, there are numerous punctuation errors, you've mixed up the words "then" and "than", and capitalized the term "cutie mark" when we normally don't. Then there are the spelling errors, such as what should be "unsophisticated".
I'm sorry to say that this doesn't look very good for your grade.
5146829 well at least SOMEbody decided to tell me. In my defence this is the first public writing i've ever done, but thank you for helping me out.
5146920 I think you should listen to miss Cherilee a little more closely...
5146947 yeah...i should probably do that, she's right
5146956 lol just keep writing dude. And take some advice along the way. Most people just want to help you, especially in this community.
Feel free to reach out and ask for advice. I'm sure you'll improve over time :)
5147011 thx i needed that
5147166 Anytime bro
Well, there are numerous spelling and grammar mistakes in the first chapter, and I don't really feel like reading any more.
So I'll just post a link to this useful group and suggest you find yourself a good editor.
5154222 thanks
See? Told you no one was looking forward to this chapter.
The dialogue in this chapter feels forced. After reading it my reaction was that you the author just thought "I need to get the backgrounds out for these two ponies, here we go. Now I'm done with that."
5427145 no, the dialogue wasn't forced, I could have written this chapter without it. But if you feel that it was then tell me how I can improve, then you won't feel that way.
I am being serious by the way, I'm not mocking you.
5428458
Ugh, that's why originally I didn't want to comment. I find it hard to describe how to do dialogue well. I think the issues I ran into was how unnatural it felt. Maybe I just like a bit of banter and then a setup into the dialogue. Another issue I may have had is that the characters are new and each doesn't feel distinct. The way the scene came across was the equivalent of starting a new tabletop rpg game with a random group of characters and each going, "Hi, I'm Figh Tor and my backstory is yadda yadda."
"Hi Figh Tor, I'm Wiz Ard and my backstory is yaddah yaddah."
My problem may be that the conversation just felt like you were throwing exposition at us instead of gradually feeding us the information. All you needed to do was add a couple of death flag lines and you could have enough of a character to kill off to attempt to generate sympathy (haven't read much further so if you do kill any of them off, I'm not sure how I'd react to that information." By the way, what I mean by distinct is that the characters all feel interchangeable based off reading just their dialogue. This also has me adding another piece of advice: signpost who's talking more often than you do. I sometimes have distractions happen and in the middle of that long series of dialogue I had to go back a bit and then start counting off to figure out who was saying what, which is also an indication to me that the characters don't have distinctive voices.
(Also having written this and reread your initial post I added this slightly separate paragraph) By forced, I meant that the conversation didn't flow naturally. Have you ever been in a conversation where the back and forth between you and that person just goes from one sentence to another, from one topic to another, such that you lost track of time and realize that you're no longer where you started and it would take some serious looking back to figure out how you went from Star Wars to how shoelaces were made (hyperbolic example). Now compare that flow to a conversation where it just keeps dieing and neither of you actually want to talk. You only say something because you have to. That conversation feels stilted and lacks that natural flow. That's what I mean by forced. I don't mean like it was put in there because you had to but that it sounded like two novice actors who sound like they're acting rather than two regular blokes who are having a conversation that springs up naturally. This may be my acting experience but if you watch and listen, you can hear the difference between young, novice actors, and those who have practiced and perfected their craft. I use the terms of sound in writing because a big piece of advice (that helps with catching grammar errors if English is a very familiar language of yours) is to read each chapter out loud to yourself. Listen to what you say. Try it both with and without voices for characters. You'll find that in better written works and in RL that different people speak differently and will use different words. Hopefully some of this helps. if none of it does, then I'll just recommend this podcast for more writing advice from better writers. Writing Excuses
5429190 no, actually that did help. I see what you mean by the conversations, what I didn't do (mentally) was give the characters a different voice, or speech pattern so that you could tell them apart. Which is what I think confused you. However, I will take your advice and use it well. Thank you.
Although, the conversations weren't supposed to be naturaly smooth either, they were supposed to be choppy and uncomfortable in a way, I hope it gets smoother later on as you read, but I have a sneaking suspicion it won't.
Interesting but why is it with the story's where she can read your mind I mean like really not trying to be mean or anything it is a good story from the start well time to continue
5668382
I'm not exactly sure what you mean with the mind reading... but thanks for the compliment!
Hahaha she be like I probly should have had that room guarded lol