so you've just been accepted at the Advanced magic academy, on your first day you meet Twilight Sparkle and immediately hit it off, you become closer as the story continues, but will her growing jealousy of your magic power and talent prove the end for your growing bond? well let's read and find out!
rated teen because of more adult themes later in.
**IMPORTANT NOTE** this will not contain clop clop! we will see some "more adult action" but no sex.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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***REMINDER***
this is my very first story, so please be gentle.
also I'd love some constructive criticism.
My only constructive criticism would be capitalization and details
and maybe some grammar
486114
Thanks :)
also the reason I have bad grammar is because
1. I'm not english, I'm asian, and asians are overall bad in english.
2. when I wrote this it was like 5 in the morning.
486159
Then your on my boat.
Even though I speak perfectly good english.
People say my grammar is shit lol.
Most of my stories I write in about 2-4 hours because I get "too excited"
486206
/)*(\
mine take about a full day because I get sidetracked easily lol.
What PhoKingAzn said, other than those things I'd say very interesting plot, tracking.
I'd be willing to edit for you, if it would help, a few minor grammar touch-ups are all this really needs, also, make sure you know what tense (time-frame) you're writing in and what tense the word you're using is in, very important detail, otherwise it's actually pretty well written
486608
yeah that'd be great!
thanks a lot! my english realy sucks lol.
486654
Yeah, it's not a problem, just message me the next chapter when it's done. or something like that, anyway good story so far
486680
Will do, you can expect it sometime this week (before Wednesday that's for sure)
482086 chapter two?
487598
working on it, however I get sidetracked easily so it might take some time, I'll try and have it done tomorrow, by the time all grammar errors and details are corrected it'll be Wednesday.
so yeah Wednesday somewhere in (what's for me) deep in the night.
487617 ok
486238 Same here except it takes ages for me to get on track!
I'm ridiculous aren't I?
*BREAKING NEWS*
TWILIGHT DESTROYS CANTERLOT
Story on page 3
Good story so far looking forward to the next ch.
um hello its been days is chapter two coming out soon?
502623
yeah it's nearly done, just 400 more words, will have it up in an hour or 2
502648 *sigh* ok
woot woot
Some criticism: give thoughts in Italics, otherwise it's super confusing
503049
Thanks, that will certainly be done in the next chapter.
So far so good.
You could use a prereader definetly, (an easy way is to make it on google docs and share it with prereader) so they could help correct mistakes or ask questions that could be important
fun times are to be had next chapter
523975
speaking about chapter 3, I better get started on it, before I get moar rush comments
523986 epic reminder is epic
what did I just read?
did...did Trixie just hit on us?
584381
yes.
584381 There's a difference between seducing and hitting on. She did not just hit on "us"
586915
Well I'm gonna give away a small spoiler, Trixie is actualy legit in love with "you" she just has a bad way of showing it, and will progressively change over the story.
587046 Legit? So...do the bookish types just fall for us or something? Or maybe we have a thing for librarians, or maybe I should stop saying "we" and "us" before it becomes our normal way of speaking.
587120
Well your main focus point is gonna be Trixie and Twilight, so you don't really interact with other students that much (aside from your colt friend Anton, but I don't think people would like to see this take a Yaoi turn) so you don't really know if there are any other (less bookish) mares interested in you.
and you should keep saying "we" IT IS TRADITION THAT WE SPEAK WITH THE ROYAL WE! AND USE THIS MUCH VOLUME WHEN ADDRESSING OUR SUBJECTS!
587256 The royal we, refers to me
the normal we refers to us
and the final we refers to fun, like this, 'WWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
now we(royal) wait for the next chapter, while we(normal), the readers use the final we(fun) to figure out what you have planned for 'us'.
'we(royal) has just confused ourself'
587771
mind = blown
Please next chapter!!!!!!!!!...by the way good work u got me hooked...and I normally don't get hooked on FICs just cuz I read everyday and I Judge alot...but for a first fix it's pretty good!!!! Although it could use some better granmar but it's not much...*takes off his hat* I'm scared I might be hooked up on a dead fic...please tell me if it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Your new follower,scarlet rider...
703544
Well it's not dead, but I'm also working on a new (1 shot) story, so as soon as I finish that I'll continue with this fic.
btw thanks for teh follow
Well I'll read the oneshot too kill time and some other fics....but I'll be waiting till you start to write again...or I will bucking make u my fic slave
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....just kidding!!! I don't do slaves I'm with GOD
"Facehoof"
I didn't know twilight had another brother?
761079
Um, it's still Shining Armor, he just has a different occupation, I think...
761259
Yes, this is from before he became captain of the guard.
761264
yay, I was right.
You may want to look this over... Use italics when thinking, it helps it out a lot, use the Tab key to indent your paragraphs, and capitalize some of the sentences, like when tricks said "she! She..." blah blah blah, etc.
It was hard for me to read this time:(
764252
I wrote this deep in the night, I haven't slept in 4 days, I am studying abroad starting today so I'm under a lot of stress, yet people keep pushing me to upload new chapters, so sorry this isn't of the greatest quality ever, that's one of the reasons why I put it on hiatus, as soon as I'm settled in I'll start writing good chapters of only the most exquisite lols and quality.
764252
I have a better idea,
WHO WANTS TO HELP ME?
I WRITE CHAPTERS AND ONE (or 2) OF YOU CLEAN THEM UP??
this way I can write chapters and NOT fail every class I'm supposed to study for.
764273I'll try to help you edit, but no promises, I have ' through te darkness the lone blades light the way' to write
764285
ah yes, I am familiar with the story
I like it :)
and thank you, for the offer, I'll propably have chapter 5 ready in a few more weeks.
764299 oky doky loky! Send me a link to a gdoc when you have it done
Wait,sooo this means that after me thinking that this was nevergoing to be continued a new chapter arrives!!!!!!!!!!!! YaY!!!! I don't know if you rememberme author but thanks!!!!!!
870301
ofcourse I remember you