• Member Since 25th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 30th, 2018

Kovy


Hiatus for now. I'm into more adult themed anthropormorphic/TF stuff now

T

After rudely awakened Fluttershy deals with the annoyance of being dragged on a dirt path to SweetAppleAcres but after learning about Applejack's new type of " cider " all of the pain and worry leaves her. And thus the Party was made to make Fluttershy feel better from the stress of adoption.

Edited by : Pinklover12

A lot of thanks go to her wonderful talent of editing.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 21 )

Uh, I think this needs another editing pass or three. You have lots of repeated or awkward phrases and missing words, and really messed up spacing.

Exhibit A: "Have you ever drank this stuff before Is it good"? Said the curious Fluttershy shy.'

Exhibit B: She had a small grin on her face as she walked in the dimly lit room which was her own. She got into her bed and
started to fantasize of what the little orange pegasus would do tomorrow.

Even worse, your characters are horribly OOC. Just read this for me, and imagine Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy's best friend and the one who respects her shy nature, doing this.

"Fluttershy. Let's go. I mean it." Rainbow Dash was getting frustrated.

"No." said Fluttershy.

"You are going if it's the last thing I do." Rainbow Dash was getting angry now.

"No! I'm… I'm not going!"

"You want to do with the hard way? We'll do this the hard way!" Rainbow dash was really furious.

rainbowdash.net/file/rdk-20130311T033303-8lmmzaa.png

Uhh, is Rainbow Dash bullying Fluttershy into coming to an after-party at 1am and leaving her newly adopted child behind? Does that sound like something the Element of Loyalty would do to you?

Rainbow Dash forcefully clamped her teeth onto Fluttershy's tail. Rainbow dragged her, kicking and screaming, down the path to Applejack's farm.And drug her down the path to Applejack's farm. Fluttershy eventually just gave up.

Rainbow would never do that to her friend! I don't care if you are going to say, "Oh Rainbow was drunk and wasn't thinking". That's just a lazy excuse to have Rainbow be the most angry, abusive bitch ever!

Then Applejack and Rainbow peer pressure Fluttershy into getting drunk, and then she goes home after a drink. Why did she even go if all they were going to do was force liquor down her throat! And Applejack, the Element of Honesty, would never tell Fluttershy a half-truth just to get her drunk for no reason!

This also really looks like a repost of the story about Fluttershy going to an after party that you wrote a bit ago. Since I don't see that story here anymore, I'm going to assume you deleted and and reposted it. Sorry mate, but that's against site rules.

Guidelines and Rules
Don't Post
[...]
The same story twice.
Rewrites of an old story posted as a new story. You are free to edit your existing story, but you may not post it as a new submission.

Taken directly from the rules that show when you are posting or editing a story. You still have a ton of work to make this story even considered "good", and you are in violation of site rules. You might want to rethink this. :unsuresweetie:

This comment has been screencapped in case of deletion.

Edit: Why the hell did you favorite your own story? I bet one of those likes is yours too. :ajbemused:

Alright then I'm not mad.

4933230 Well, that's good. Not being mad doesn't fix the problem though.

4933279 a 1000 letter pharagraph is not nessary

She got into her bed and
started to fantasize of what the little orange pegasus would do tomorrow.

This should be tagged mature-sex if you're going to have such lewd statements in here. :applejackunsure:

"Yeah yeah, Fluttershy like - I said it will be like so... awesome! All our friends are there now, except Rarity, she said she needed her ' beauty sleep '." Rainbow dash started to giggle at the thought.

Wow, Rarity. Way to junk up everypony's night.

Fluttershy's parents were always working, And one night when she was around five, a robber broke into her parent's home, stole several valuables, assaulted Fluttershy, and scarred her for life.

And ever since that day, she's wandered Equestria, looking to get payback on that robber.
She, is...
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131231032349/villains/images/7/7f/Flutterbat.png
Batmare!

"You want to do with the hard way? We'll do this the hard way!"

This is getting pretty steamy. Where's the romance tag?

Fluttershy muttered some quiet words, most of which would be censored anyway.

But this is rated teen. You're allowed to swear. :duck:

I don't what is up with her

imgion.com/images/01/Gangsta-Boy.jpg

Applejack then plopped down a bottle of unmarked cider.

Just how honest is Applejack, exactly? :trixieshiftright:

It was outlawed years ago, but it's still safe to drink.

She would obviously ignore Equestrian law to get her friend smashed.

"Just drink it, Fluttershy it's… uhhh... good for ya! It'll make you feel better..." said Applejack, blushing.

This sounds like dishonesty, but the sexual tension balances it out. I still like this sentence.

Fluttershy was clueless of what the reddish black drink was.

Didn't Applejack say it was cider?

Just then, Big Mac walked over and sat on a wooden stool next a Fluttershy. They both smiled at each other and Fluttershy kissed him on the forehead.

Ew, gross. :pinkiesick: Straight shipping is the most disgusting invention since Lindsay Lohan's liver.

It was called…

"AppleJack Daniels"

On a bottle that had been stated as unlabeled. How did the label magically appear?

Magic.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw3410_medium.jpg

the pain of Scootaloo

But Scootaloo didn't hurt anypony. :fluttercry:

To be continued

oh dear Celestia no :raritycry:


Okay, review time!

7/10 will read to my children to get them to sleep at night. You've outdone yourself with this wonderful children's story. :ajsmug:

4933372
I thought you wanted feedback on how great your story is. :fluttershysad:

4933372 No, it wasn't necessary. Me taking the time to point out what I didn't enjoy and why instead of just leaving a dislike and letting you wonder isn't necessary. But it was done. I hope you read it, because it's true that this story violates site rules. I remember the other fic, I commented on it because you had erred in marking it a sequel to itself. Now that is deleted, and this very similar fic replaces it. :trixieshiftright:

4933386 Oh, he sure does. Enough to even post this blog post about it. That, and about how he is soo good at trolling and is a great author who will gain more fame eventually. You should read it, it's a gem. :trollestia:

I'm gonna begin with the long "description."

After rudely awakened

After a rudely awakened.

SweetAppleAcres

Sweet Apple Acres. With a period at the end because the next line.

And thus the Party was made to make Fluttershy feel better from the stress of adoption.

Uhm, sentences don't start with and. Also, party*.
ip.bitcointalk.org/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fforums.oneplus.net%2Fattachments%2Fenglish-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it-jpg.30288%2F&t=543&c=L_a7932qoBLzBw
Okay enough with the grammatical errors...I need to understand what the description MEANS.
The story description is supposed to DESCRIBE what the story is about, but when people can't even understand it...you're doin' somethin' wrong.

Oh, also....erhm, did you say this was EDITED by someone?

Edited by: Pinklover12

static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11114/111142536/3998492-mothergodmeme1.jpg

Oh-kay! Time for the story.

She got into her bed and
started to fantasize of what the little orange pegasus would do tomorrow.

What's with the sudden break at the words "and"...and "started"? I don't understand why you need to do this. Is this vital to the plot...or...?

"Why would somepony knock on my door at one in the morning?" Fluttershy thought to herself.

Uhm, when you put the double quotes, doesn't that mean that somepony/somebody is talking out loud? Not, like...y'know, in their heads? You can italicize your text like this to verify too.

"But Rainbow, it/s one in the morning and -"

Guess I lied when I said the grammatical errors aren't done.
it's*

So-Awesome"!

so... awesome

Are these supposed to be different? I..erk, uhm...ppppbth I'm so confused WHY ARE THEY DIFFERENT. I mean did you add the "..." so that she would wait longer or what?!

"What about Scootaloo? She'll be here all by herself and nopony to be with her." said Fluttershy. Fluttershy was getting worried. The same thing happened to her as a foal. Fluttershy's parents were always working, And one night when she was around five, a robber broke into her parent's home, stole several valuables, assaulted Fluttershy, and scarred her for life. Tears rolled down her face, and she told Rainbow Dash to leave. But Rainbow didn't leave. Instead, she walked straight into Fluttershy's home.

Nopony will be with her*
and in line 3*
Oh and how far are we?
...
Less than 300 words.

"Fluttershy. Let's go. I mean it." Rainbow Dash was getting frustrated.
"No." said Fluttershy.
"You are going if it's the last thing I do." Rainbow Dash was getting angry now.
"No! I'm… I'm not going!"

Okay.....
Now I'm pretty sure we all know that Rainbow wouldn't act like this and blah blah the guy under me can explain.

"Oh, she was as stubborn as a horse! I don't what is up with her, but this after party should cheer her up." said a very TIRED Rainbow Dash.

I don't know what is up with her*
Said a VERY tired*
Why is TIRED capitalized and not very?

Applejack then had Fluttershy sit up at a temporary folding bar that had looked as if it was in the barn for a few years.

Uhm, what?

Applejack then took the glass and poured a small bit of the liquor in a shot glass.

She took the glass and poured liquor from it into a shot glass...am I not understanding this correctly?

Applejack what are do-

Applejack what are you do-*

"Well, I need to go home and get some shuteye, AJ. Spike has been asleep for the past two hours." said a very TIRED Twilight Sparkle.

Again, the TIRED thing...but what does Spike having been asleep for the past two hours have to do with being sleepy and needing some shuteye?

"Well, I guess I should be going, too." said an also TIRED Fluttershy.

It had just dawned on me...JUST as a read this, Fluttershy wasn't just TIRED, but invited AFTER the after party had happened. I know RD was gonna invite Flutter's to the after party, but it was an after party in the sense of Pinkie Pie. Y'know, like...a party thrown after another party? So are you telling me she literally invited Flutter's after the party was over JUST for a drink?
Man, what a jerk.

Just then, Big Mac walked over and sat on a wooden stool next a Fluttershy. They both smiled at each other and Fluttershy kissed him on the forehead.

Next to Fluttershy*
There is some shipping going on behind the scenes...do not like.

Fluttershy was overwhelmed by the drink. It was like nothing she'd ever had. She took the bottle of Liquor and drank more. As she got buzzed, the pain of Scootaloo, and being harassed as little foal left her soul. All the horrible, horrible pain and suffering was being washed away by the liquor. It felt so good to her. It numbed the pain.

liquor*
harassed as a little foal*
The horrible, horrible pain and suffering was washed away by the liquor*
Also, note at the end is says that "It numbed the pain".
When you "numb pain" that typically means like putting an ice pack on your forehead to stop an incredibly awful headache...I thought all the pain she was having wasn't PHYSICAL. It was internal feelings, not being punched or something.

Applejack poured the rest of the bottle's contents in a mug and gave it to her friend Fluttershy.

Suddenly...A MUG.

"Like I told you, Applejack, Your 'Special Cider' would cheer her RIGHT up!" said Rainbow Dash proudly.

Should I be letting this one off? I guess so. This "Special Cider" bit was pretty perfect, you remembered to use ONE comma.

31.media.tumblr.com/1b7cc43facee82a72a3bbe738cb4ab52/tumblr_msjr66zN5C1sgl0ajo1_400.gif

"Yah, Ah'll bring her back, it is dark anyways." said Rainbow Dash.

SUDDENLY...
SOUTHERN RAINBOW DASH.
i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/My%20Little%20Pony/nooo_display.jpg

Rainbow Dash, with the Drunk yellow pegasus on her back, trotted back to her home. Once they arrived, Rainbow set Fluttershy down on her bed gently. A small breeze crept through the room, but Rainbow Dash was already gone.
Fluttershy stirred slightly, still peacefully wandering through dreamland, as the thin light of morning began to dawn.

drunk*
A*

To be continued

SO YOU DO KNOW HOW TO ITALICIZE...
Strange concept, I like it. But it needs revision before I can understand.

4933203 Glad you stated the obvious "meanie RD" so I didn't have to.

4933519 It was kinda hard to ignore. I also find it weird that this story is marked as a comedy. So far this is no-where even close to comedy. Fluttershy's abusive friends got her drunk after making her worry about her newly adopted child being mugged and dragging her away. That's not comedy! :facehoof:

4933579
Oh my Celestia I didn't even notice COMEDY marked.
:facehoof:

4933584 Neither did I until I looked again! If this is funny, there's something wrong here. :pinkiesick:

4933416
I lol'd, up until you called me a troll. :raritywink:

I'm highly sarcastic, but I don't consider my actions to be trolling. I consider them more gadfly behavior--I'm not trying to piss people off, just make people laugh. That's always my goal, and that's what gadflies do.

Of course, trolling is more reliant on the perception of others than the perception of the one performing the actions. Perhaps I am a troll. :pinkiegasp:

4933517

Should I be letting this one off? I guess so. This "Special Cider" bit was pretty perfect, you remembered to use ONE colon.

I think you meant a comma. :ajsmug:

4933653 Hmm, good point. The reaction to your comments has sometimes been akin to those reacting to trolls, I might have misjudged that. My apologies. :twilightsmile:

4933683
Oh, yes, I've certainly been accused of being a troll. That was especially so when I was still a relatively new member of Plan 9. :derpytongue2: I've worked on how I come across in my posts since then. I originally posted on Ponychan, where the behavior was somewhat abrasive, and that same behavior here is considered trolling by most. Who knew?

And drug her down the path to Applejack's farm. Fluttershy eventually just gave up.

drug

drug

You should fire your proofreader.
~Twi

Alright now I've seen your editor before, and I'm going to be talking to him/her. The amount of errors people caught was amazing, this story was a flop and needs to be redone. Talk to your editor and find a better game plan.

4933993 okie dokie Loki

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