Hiatus for now. I'm into more adult themed anthropormorphic/TF stuff now
After rudely awakened Fluttershy deals with the annoyance of being dragged on a dirt path to SweetAppleAcres but after learning about Applejack's new type of " cider " all of the pain and worry leaves her. And thus the Party was made to make Fluttershy feel better from the stress of adoption.
Edited by : Pinklover12
A lot of thanks go to her wonderful talent of editing.
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Uh, I think this needs another editing pass or three. You have lots of repeated or awkward phrases and missing words, and really messed up spacing.
Even worse, your characters are horribly OOC. Just read this for me, and imagine Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy's best friend and the one who respects her shy nature, doing this.
rainbowdash.net/file/rdk-20130311T033303-8lmmzaa.png
Uhh, is Rainbow Dash bullying Fluttershy into coming to an after-party at 1am and leaving her newly adopted child behind? Does that sound like something the Element of Loyalty would do to you?
Rainbow would never do that to her friend! I don't care if you are going to say, "Oh Rainbow was drunk and wasn't thinking". That's just a lazy excuse to have Rainbow be the most angry, abusive bitch ever!
Then Applejack and Rainbow peer pressure Fluttershy into getting drunk, and then she goes home after a drink. Why did she even go if all they were going to do was force liquor down her throat! And Applejack, the Element of Honesty, would never tell Fluttershy a half-truth just to get her drunk for no reason!
This also really looks like a repost of the story about Fluttershy going to an after party that you wrote a bit ago. Since I don't see that story here anymore, I'm going to assume you deleted and and reposted it. Sorry mate, but that's against site rules.
Taken directly from the rules that show when you are posting or editing a story. You still have a ton of work to make this story even considered "good", and you are in violation of site rules. You might want to rethink this.
This comment has been screencapped in case of deletion.
Edit: Why the hell did you favorite your own story? I bet one of those likes is yours too.
Alright then I'm not mad.
4933230 Well, that's good. Not being mad doesn't fix the problem though.
4933279 a 1000 letter pharagraph is not nessary
This should be tagged mature-sex if you're going to have such lewd statements in here.
Wow, Rarity. Way to junk up everypony's night.
And ever since that day, she's wandered Equestria, looking to get payback on that robber.
She, is...
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131231032349/villains/images/7/7f/Flutterbat.png
Batmare!
This is getting pretty steamy. Where's the romance tag?
But this is rated teen. You're allowed to swear.
imgion.com/images/01/Gangsta-Boy.jpg
Just how honest is Applejack, exactly?
She would obviously ignore Equestrian law to get her friend smashed.
This sounds like dishonesty, but the sexual tension balances it out. I still like this sentence.
Didn't Applejack say it was cider?
Ew, gross.
Straight shipping is the most disgusting invention since Lindsay Lohan's liver.
On a bottle that had been stated as unlabeled. How did the label magically appear?
Magic.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw3410_medium.jpg
But Scootaloo didn't hurt anypony.
oh dear Celestia no
Okay, review time!
7/10 will read to my children to get them to sleep at night. You've outdone yourself with this wonderful children's story.
4933372
I thought you wanted feedback on how great your story is.
4933372 No, it wasn't necessary. Me taking the time to point out what I didn't enjoy and why instead of just leaving a dislike and letting you wonder isn't necessary. But it was done. I hope you read it, because it's true that this story violates site rules. I remember the other fic, I commented on it because you had erred in marking it a sequel to itself. Now that is deleted, and this very similar fic replaces it.
4933386 Oh, he sure does. Enough to even post this blog post about it. That, and about how he is soo good at trolling and is a great author who will gain more fame eventually. You should read it, it's a gem.
I'm gonna begin with the long "description."
After a rudely awakened.
Sweet Apple Acres. With a period at the end because the next line.
Uhm, sentences don't start with and. Also, party*.
ip.bitcointalk.org/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fforums.oneplus.net%2Fattachments%2Fenglish-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it-jpg.30288%2F&t=543&c=L_a7932qoBLzBw
Okay enough with the grammatical errors...I need to understand what the description MEANS.
The story description is supposed to DESCRIBE what the story is about, but when people can't even understand it...you're doin' somethin' wrong.
Oh, also....erhm, did you say this was EDITED by someone?
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11114/111142536/3998492-mothergodmeme1.jpg
Oh-kay! Time for the story.
What's with the sudden break at the words "and"...and "started"? I don't understand why you need to do this. Is this vital to the plot...or...?
Uhm, when you put the double quotes, doesn't that mean that somepony/somebody is talking out loud? Not, like...y'know, in their heads? You can italicize your text like this to verify too.
Guess I lied when I said the grammatical errors aren't done.
it's*
Are these supposed to be different? I..erk, uhm...ppppbth I'm so confused WHY ARE THEY DIFFERENT. I mean did you add the "..." so that she would wait longer or what?!
Nopony will be with her*
and in line 3*
Oh and how far are we?
...
Less than 300 words.
Okay.....
Now I'm pretty sure we all know that Rainbow wouldn't act like this and blah blah the guy under me can explain.
I don't know what is up with her*
Said a VERY tired*
Why is TIRED capitalized and not very?
Uhm, what?
She took the glass and poured liquor from it into a shot glass...am I not understanding this correctly?
Applejack what are you do-*
Again, the TIRED thing...but what does Spike having been asleep for the past two hours have to do with being sleepy and needing some shuteye?
It had just dawned on me...JUST as a read this, Fluttershy wasn't just TIRED, but invited AFTER the after party had happened. I know RD was gonna invite Flutter's to the after party, but it was an after party in the sense of Pinkie Pie. Y'know, like...a party thrown after another party? So are you telling me she literally invited Flutter's after the party was over JUST for a drink?
Man, what a jerk.
Next to Fluttershy*
There is some shipping going on behind the scenes...do not like.
liquor*
harassed as a little foal*
The horrible, horrible pain and suffering was washed away by the liquor*
Also, note at the end is says that "It numbed the pain".
When you "numb pain" that typically means like putting an ice pack on your forehead to stop an incredibly awful headache...I thought all the pain she was having wasn't PHYSICAL. It was internal feelings, not being punched or something.
Suddenly...A MUG.
Should I be letting this one off? I guess so. This "Special Cider" bit was pretty perfect, you remembered to use ONE comma.
31.media.tumblr.com/1b7cc43facee82a72a3bbe738cb4ab52/tumblr_msjr66zN5C1sgl0ajo1_400.gif
SUDDENLY...
SOUTHERN RAINBOW DASH.
i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/My%20Little%20Pony/nooo_display.jpg
drunk*
A*
SO YOU DO KNOW HOW TO ITALICIZE...
Strange concept, I like it. But it needs revision before I can understand.
4933203 Glad you stated the obvious "meanie RD" so I didn't have to.
4933519 It was kinda hard to ignore. I also find it weird that this story is marked as a comedy. So far this is no-where even close to comedy. Fluttershy's abusive friends got her drunk after making her worry about her newly adopted child being mugged and dragging her away. That's not comedy!
4933579
Oh my Celestia I didn't even notice COMEDY marked.
4933584 Neither did I until I looked again! If this is funny, there's something wrong here.
4933416
I lol'd, up until you called me a troll.
I'm highly sarcastic, but I don't consider my actions to be trolling. I consider them more gadfly behavior--I'm not trying to piss people off, just make people laugh. That's always my goal, and that's what gadflies do.
Of course, trolling is more reliant on the perception of others than the perception of the one performing the actions. Perhaps I am a troll.
4933517
I think you meant a comma.
4933653 Hmm, good point. The reaction to your comments has sometimes been akin to those reacting to trolls, I might have misjudged that. My apologies.
4933683
I've worked on how I come across in my posts since then. I originally posted on Ponychan, where the behavior was somewhat abrasive, and that same behavior here is considered trolling by most. Who knew?
Oh, yes, I've certainly been accused of being a troll. That was especially so when I was still a relatively new member of Plan 9.
You should fire your proofreader.
~Twi
4933878
I agree.
Alright now I've seen your editor before, and I'm going to be talking to him/her. The amount of errors people caught was amazing, this story was a flop and needs to be redone. Talk to your editor and find a better game plan.
4933993 okie dokie Loki
4933653
Yeah thanks