- Member Since 6th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen January 23rd
Vladimir
I love stories, arts, and honestly, Crossovers, Like Bleach, or Naruto -very VERY little Naruto though...- Harry Potter -LOVE IT!- and more!
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Seems like a nice story.
4891012 Thank you
4891862 Thank you, I hope this one is liked by many
Interesting keep it up
mmmm interesting *sipping some tea* good day to you now.
4897672 Thank you!^^
4897926 And good day to you as well. And I shall continue.
I am loving this please make more!!
4905161 I'm glad you like it! And I am working on it's 3rd/4th chapter right now!
Pretty good
Though the entire Love thing seems a bit sudden, considering the they barely know each other.
4907475 I know, I had put more in, but when I went to edit it, I had deleted most of it by accident, so you missed a few days of walking, scavengering, In fact the chapter was meant to be "Their Journey Starts Now!", but instead I had put "The Journey Starts Now!" and since it is a bit of a wacky comedy, I just thought, "Why not? Get a few good laughs" and the "love thing" isn't exactly happening yet. Nah, that's later-ish. Though I kinda like how it turned out. But then again, I'm weird. *shoulder shrug*
More
5014478 Sure^^'? I plan on making more, though I had to get rid of a few thousand words for the ending.
Describe what's happening, don't name-drop! Name-dropping is basicaly pointing at someone else's work and saying "like that, but pretend I did it instead.". Its lazy.
5060521 Wait when did I name drop? I do not mean to sound as if I am being stupid or condescending, but I am confused.
5063707
Pretty much all of the first two chapters (which is what I've gotten through so far). For example:
No, in fact I don't know. I've never watched "Black Butler" before in my life (nor "Naruto", nor "Godzilla vs. Destoroyah", nor any other show you've name-dropped in this story, save MLP), nor does the show interest me at all, so trying to make a comparison to it is a pointless endeavor. Doing that is very poor writing (telling, not showing). Describe the action to me [the reader], even if it's a rather basic description. Never ever use a phrase like "he flips like this other guy did in this other TV show that I've seen" or anything of a similar intent. Assuming that anyone else knows what you are talking about makes you look like the fool when the reader has no idea what you are talking about.
Also, don't have a ton of music "playing" during sequences. It slows down the action and breaks immersion. If there is a slow point and the character decides to relax a bit, then sure, have the music playing. Having it playing during a fight scene is just straight up stupid (take it from a former soldier, having music playing during combat is just a bad idea, as you can't hear that guy trying to sneak up behind you so he can slit your throat). That's just cartoon action movie BS, and makes for a poor story to read.
You also need to get an editor, badly. In the first two chapters alone, there were tons of possessive/plural errors (wolf's is possessive, wolves is plural), homophone errors (there/their/they're), conjugation errors ("I see", "you see", "he/she/it sees") the ever fun it's/its error ("it's" = "it is" and "its" is possessive), and tense flips (for the most part, the story is in present tense, but flips to past tense from time to time).
So far, there have been a ton of very rookie mistakes ("this is my first story" kind of mistakes). Having ten stories under your belt, this is very bad. You have too much experience (supposedly) to be making these kinds of mistakes. The premise is interesting enough that, despite the numerous annoying and distracting errors, they are not enough to make me stop reading (yet).
5433646 Ah, thank you for the help. And I am actually very sorry that I made so many mistakes. I try to not to, as I have no one to edit my stories nor use any sort of program to write with. I am thankful for the advice, as I had originally thought the music thing was a sort of dumb idea but went with it for some reason.
Not really sure as to why. And the "name-dropping" thing is because at the time I was being an idiot, and not went with the feel and flow of the story, description's, etc., I chose to do something "simpler" as I originally thought about going back and fixing it, but my mind must have got caught onto something else and my fingers moved automatically as they tend to do if I am "in-the-zone" as I mostly am if I get into something I enjoy.
Also, please forgive the errors in my wording, sometimes I will spell it correctly and the keys won't do what I ask, and sometimes I just forget what word is what and rely on my gut some of the time. Thank you for the input and some clarification that I might not have understood, as I tend to be a bit slow at times.
Sincerely, Vladimir
so whens the next chapter?
5679500
I love this story please let me know when the next upload for this story is uploaded I'll be waiting my friend and keep me posted on the story
You can use my oc. Let me just send you a private message about him. If that's what I need to do to let you know about him that is.