Applejack awakens with minor memory loss and hears soft laughter in the woods... Everypony is acting weird around her... avoiding her and even seeming afraid... why?
Cover by, http://gurugrendo.deviantart.com/
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- Member Since 10th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 8th, 2017
Flashburn37
Brony since season two started, Male, new to writing. League player... Dnd Player... Geek without the Nerd part(Seriously Computers confuse me)
Flashburn37
Joined 10th Aug, 2013 ·
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A tad bit fast paced, but overall good. I think you should try to get the pacing a bit slower and then you got a story to brag about.
4661616
Thank you very much I will take a look at that.
Nothing quite rushes the end like, "I wanna be done by tonight, oh no look at the time..."
Ok...
This was a little confusing...
But it was about Applejack, so it's okay!
4672128
Where was it confusing? If I can use this opportunity to improve the story then I'd love to!
But understand that the twist at the end was intentional and had clues hidden at the beginning as well as throughout and was not just a cop out and thus, as the main goal of the story... is a tad bit confusing the first time through. Like "The Usual Suspects"! Not saying this is as good as that great movie but still. It was mean to be... But if you are willing to point out specific parts or elements I'd love the feedback!
4673802 Actually it was just that I don't usually notice clues
in books. When I found out what was going on, I was just like, well that was unexpected.
on my part
But it wasn't. So... not much room for improvement
So, let me start off by saying that I absolutely love the premise you have here! Brilliant idea, and perfectly in tune with the show's canon.
That said, the execution of said premise could really use a lot of work. In terms of the overall structure, things drag out in the slow parts for too long, and there are too many "teased" answers as AJ tries to figure out what's happening. E.g. There's no follow through on Sweetie and the CMC treating her differently, and every pony basically does the same "get outta here" thing, making it repetitive. The reveal is also very heavy handed, and suffers from telling-not-showing.
Unfortunately, there are also a very large number of technical mistakes and problems throughout. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, and even basic formatting need a lot of polish. Despite that, the writing overall actually flows pretty decently, and the smaller, non-technical problems, though spread throughout, are mostly similar in nature, meaning only a few basic mistakes are being made (but repeated.)
Bottom line, you've got the ideas, you've got the basic flow of narration, and you've got the majority of a working structure. It's a lot of potential, but I think you're at the steeper part of the learning curve now, where you have to work really hard to polish off the rough edges, and fine-tune the story elements if you want to improve. Getting an editor is a good place to start. Make sure it's someone that will really tear things apart though, as that's the best way to learn. If you do though, remember that you don't have to take/accept all their suggestions, but listen with an open mind before rejecting anything.
On that note, if you are serious about it, and want a real tear-down/edit, I'm willing to do that for this (or some other, similar length) story. After what I already said though, you may or may not want anything more to do with me, but the offer's there if you want. Either way, best of luck, and keep writing!
4764082
But yes if you are offering to tear this thing apart, please do.
Thank you! That was extremely helpful! I know I have a ways to go before any of my stories are "top tier" and maybe I'll never make it, but the only way I can improve is through honest critiques and practice. I'd love have you tear this story a new one. Currently it is the story I have the most pride in, due to a premise I love, and I really want to make it better. That being said, I am hesitant on getting an editor. But that's because I don't feel like I'm ready to take myself that seriously yet. That and personal feelings of, "Why would anyone want to edit my stuff?"
4765414 I just sent you a PM with a link to a GDocs version of the story with all my edits and notes, and more direct contact info for me. Apologies in advance, as the comment stream on the right ends up being about 10x longer than the story itself.
4768431
Thank you! I'll take a look at it, but it may take me some time. Jobs take energy and time, leaving me with little that may be delegated to something such as this. I don't want to go into it too quickly and end up using lack luster focus. That will lead to little being learned.