My OC is dark blue with a gold mane and tail and in spartan form he has cobalt blue mark IV armor with gold detailing and a white visor.
A, a 16 year old brony marine, was excited when he graduated boot camp and was selected to join the greatest black ops force in the marine corp, the Morgans, a small group used for "get in, get out" missions. But when things don't go as expected on their latest mission A finds himself on a strange planet filled with talking ponies with amnesia in the 1 field he needs, his brony-hood. Will A be able to make a life for himself or will he just make a name?
Page generated in 0.122 seconds
Total duration
969 users online
19,757 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
*looks at title*
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1749_small.jpg
So far, just by reading the description, it doesn't seem right. For one, you have to be 18 or older to be part of the armed forces (unless you somehow snuck in), and your character somehow is better than all of the other marines (who have probably been busting their asses for 2 years or more) to join "the greatest black ops force in the marine corp". That right there doesn't add up to me.
4226491 maybe he was lobbying favor with the top brass, its one of the cheap and easy ways to get up there, and unfortunately it works.
4226491 Play Halo. Marines are drafted at like 8 in the future
4226498 ?
4226499 It was at 6 and only for special cases in a top secret program, which was of course the same program that made the spartan super soldiers. (Which if I recalled correctly, was stopped because the program cost too damn much).
4226491 Technically you can join the armed forces at 17 with parental consent. Regardless even a 17 year old right out of basic isn't going to trapped for the SF pipeline. Honestly my biggest qualm is that marine is not capitalized. In reference to the military, it's a proper noun. "That Marine teaches kids about the importance of marine animals....
4226499 Is this a Halo crossover? No? Then don't fucking use Halo logic. If it is a Halo crossover, then say so.
Interesting... I patently await for more.
4226563
Quit being a fucking troll and pointing out the little unimportant details, I mean were talking about a fictional world of talking technicolor ponies for god's sake! If you want to point out plot holes, at least be polite about it instead of being a fucking ASSHOLE about it! The story belongs to the author, and the author can do whatever the fuck they want if you don't like it, the go away and stop whining about how a story about ponies doesn't relate to real life.
4226563 Good point, although I would use a little less swearing if I were you.
The one thing that indicated the reason of dislikes and drove me not to read this was the first sentence of the intro:
An interrupter is used incorrectly in the sentence. Rather, it shouldn't be used at all; I suggest revision into this:
Wait... is A his name? Lots of comma errors in the description alone.
Plus in the title, it should be Equuis, not Equis.
4226721 I just got a grammar Nazi.
4226727 Well, as much as I find the era of Hitler and the German Nazis intriguing, I myself don't support the Nazis, as I am Christian and the Jewish religion I find to be a relative of the Christian religion, even if the beliefs of both religions clash and argue against each other.
4226618 No, it's an important detail. A 16 year old becoming "Tha best in teh wurld!" Doesn't happen. And this is a site for coherent stories, not for people to dump their shit. There's writing etiquette, no matter what you write. It doesn't matter what you're writing about, if it's shit, nobody's gonna like it because it's shit. Just because it's ponies, doesn't give you the excuse to write shit. That's like saying Harry Potter could be excused for being shit because it has wizards in it.
4226632 I said fuck, and that's me being pleasant.
4226745 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/48972/luna-shoves-a-cellphone-up-her-plot
4226772 What are you trying to tell me here? That's a story that isn't meant to be taken seriously, it's a fun, goofy story. You're trying to write a serious story. There's a difference. Not all stories are alike.
4226751 I can tell.
"Write what you know" is thrown around pretty commonly as writing advice, and it's pretty clear from the summary and this first chapter that you've taken that to heart. This is clearly a bit of wish-fulfillment fluff you've written for your own benefit, and you know what? More power to you. The practice can only make you a better writer. But as the early comments and votes show, people expect that when you publish something online, it's meant for them, and a premise like this is begging for criticism.
I hope to see you grow as a writer and eventually look back and laugh at how far you've come, so let's focus on constructive lessons:
Others have already pointed out that the teenage wonderkid is hard to believe. Fortunately, you can easily fix that by simply making him older or taking some time to explain why he's such a prodigy.
On the other hand, making him a super-soldier is not (yet) important. Is there going to be some sort of pony war he'll win? I have to admit, I take a dim view of stories that mash My Little Pony together with grimdark future war because they generally seem to miss the point of the show -- fighting never really saves the day. It's love and friendship that always triumphs. But perhaps you've already considered that, and the story is about A fitting into this very different world. If so, you can probably pace this introduction better by spending less time with the action movie clichés and more introducing him to Equestria.
Speaking of clichés, I know pop culture references are tempting, but you might want to tone them down a bit. Leaping from Halo(?) to Doctor Who to The Stanley Parable, and even to fanon stuff like "Lyra loves humans," so quickly doesn't give your own ideas time to breathe. We already know about all those other things, but your main character is the one we haven't really met yet. Don't be afraid to slow down and introduce us to him. Does he have a personality outside of "badass hero stereotype"? Where's he from? What's his favorite ice cream? It's the little details that help bring characters to life.
On writing style: Many people are tempted to write stories like breathless action movie scripts, but you should resist that urge. You shouldn't need to write "POV shift" when a new scene starts. Put an extra line between scenes, or separate them with a divider, or whatever feels appropriate. Then give us a sentence or two that describes the new scene. Instead of "Meanwhile in Canterlot, 3 days before the royal wedding," you can just write something as simple as, "Lyra and Bon-Bon were busy preparing for the royal wedding in Canterlot. It was only three days away, and the whole city was bustling with activity preparing for it." Your story will flow much more naturally if you do.
The same goes for big blocks of dialogue. When you find yourself writing, "Hey, dude." "Hi there." "Let's have a big conversation on a single line", break that dialogue up with some description:
It's easy to lose track of who's speaking when dialogue is all crammed together, even if you can imagine it as a movie scene in your head. Story writing needs that extra filler to help us readers follow the scene as you see it in your head.
There are other comments to be made about proofreading, but that's easier to fix. You should definitely get someone you trust to read through chapters before they're published so you can put your best foot forward for the FiMfiction community, since people tend to latch onto spelling and punctuation errors before really considering your writing as a whole.
4227051 Everyone, spam likes on this comment. I couldn't have summed it up better myself.
Another uber l33t toddler marine in Equestria story, let's rejoice.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/7/3/29866/thumb.gif
4226498
Lobbying favor with the top brass doesn't get you into an elite special forces group of the Marines at 16 years old.
4226499
4226516
Anon is completely correct. Marines are still recruited the old-fashioned way in the Halo universe; the military basically abducted a bunch of children for use in the Spartan-II program. Some parents kinda consented, but they were mostly just strong-armed into giving their kids up.
About the only argument you have about being drafted at such a young age is, "This is the future." That's simply a weak argument. You need to establish things like this, such as a children's military daycare designed to get kids into special ops missions before they get laid, in the description, otherwise you're going to get comments like 4226563 and 4226491 did. Saying "it's the future" is really weak if you don't have a lot of analysis to back it up.
Speaking of analysis, let's analyze underage military, shall we?
When you go back to ancient civilizations, there's plenty of evidence of people barely old enough to hold a spear going to war. It was a duty born out of necessity, not out of obligation to one's country and one's self. It was literally fight or die for them, so instead of lying down and dying, they fought. There was no choice but to fight and see the horrors of life.
Since then, we have seen a growing trend of people making a choice out of obligation--meaning they are making choices as rational adults, so the age limit will go up, not down, as the future comes to us. They aren't going to get their people massacred if they don't take up arms at the age of 4, and they certainly aren't having to provide for their families. Unless the kid's in a top secret program that disregards child labor laws and takes away their choice of a future (i.e. not the Marines), then no, he won't be doing anything at 16 years old except military school and lots of dreams.
4226618
Little? Unimportant? Okay, troll, I'm actually going to prove to you that you are a troll and Armalite is not.
Armalite was making an observance that there is something in A's story that doesn't quite add up, which is the inconsistency of age with established universe canon. This story is tagged AU, meaning things still work similarly, but story tends to change somewhat.
A brought up Halo as evidence that children can be drafted into the military at a young age... which, even were that true, means that this story is a crossover, not an AU. There's even a place for a sixth tag, so he could add in crossover and say "this uses Halo's military system, so kids are drafted at the age of 6," which is still wrong, of course, seeing as that was for a very special top secret program, but at least would support his statement of Halo being evidence whatsoever for his story.
You came in and senselessly berated Armalite, insulting him and making him feel like crap, despite his having brought up a quite valid point in the story. What reason could you possibly have to motivate you to insult someone else for addressing a point made against a complaint with a counterpoint? Armalite is basically telling A that he needs to fix his story and make it a Halo crossover to even bring Halo evidence in, and you're here insulting him for trying to make the story better?
Things that don't make sense to us will pull us out of the story; that's a fact. Perhaps it didn't bother you, but it's obvious from the number of comments on it that it bothered a significant number of people and either kept them from reading a story they may have liked or kept them so disillusioned with the story while reading it that they couldn't get immersed in the story. This is what happens when you don't have enough explanation and when you don't explain your story properly.
Now, you're taking an opinion of yours, then using it to attack someone who's addressing a valid complaint. Not only that, but you're doing it against any of the others who have similar complaints. You're basically telling them that their opinions aren't valid, while yours is. That is, quite simply, a trolling tactic.
Congratulations, troll. You've been found out. Now go hide back under your bridge, because no one wants to hear you insulting other readers for voicing their opinions.
4226739
I like you.
Well, I'm of the impression that in this day and age nobody in this particular fandom can just create a story like this without knowing it's shit. With that in mind I say good job to the author for generating this much of a shitstorm in the comments. Now on the off chance this is not intentionally bad for the sake of attracting comments and downvotes, I want to tell you that although you may be a marine, I'm a navy seal with over 300 confirmed kills.
4226618
I'm sorry to hear about your autism :^(
4227141 Why, thank you, kind sir. From that, I can most likely concur that you are not a Nazi, and as such, I approve of your existence. Not implying that I did not a prove of the existence of Nazis, as it's not my place to judge the instrinsic value of man plurally or singularly.
Also, is anyone else noticing the rather redundantly long lengths of critic given to this story?
4227298
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cb/Laughing_Buddha.jpg
You're a funny guy.
4227344
I normally read the story first before giving an exhaustively long and ridiculous joke post about how awful a story is (usually the stuff they do write, not what they do wrong), then giving it an 11/10. I just had enough to go off of in the comments that it wasn't worth reading the story.
4227051
This will be taken to heart and used as of ch 3 as I just posted 2.
This needs a human tag. You could do without the random tag.
4226618 This whole "don't like it, get out" thing isn't good for authors. If you don't like it, then say why, and then give then a review/critique. It's people like you who are poisoning FIMFiction by being so unbelievably butthurt about someone else's commentary about something that you like/worship.
4227743 I'm gonna tell you something friend. I write because I wanted an outlet for my fucked up imagination, so it amuses me that 2 people would take time from their lives just to hate. What makes it even funnier is that I don't give a shit about the hates. You look at the hate to like ratio of this story and you see it leaning heavily towards the hate side, but when I look I see my first likes as a writer so
.
4227840 Well, you should still write something half decent, even if it is just an outlet. Writing is an outlet for me too, but I still take time to make my writing good, because I care enough about it to make people happy with my writing.
4227840
Don't we all have one? Read my torture story and you'll see.
>just to hate
We are giving an incredibly angry review/critique. It's just that this story is incredibly stupid and so full of bad choices, that we got frustrated.
So you're telling me that you're only listening to the people who liked it? Seems like a case of unwarranted-self-important-faggot-syndrome.
2.bp.blogspot.com/-y-6PiGxOaHY/Uk7NlFsxaRI/AAAAAAAAA18/N5nLE78MPo0/s1600/eve+ccp+butthurt+form.gif
4227840
Don't cut yourself on that edge friend :^)
I think this really puts it into perspective... I feel like you made a good point here, even if it's unintentional; not only do you have to look at the quality of the story itself which is shit by the way, but you have to look at the quality of the fans. Judging by that we have
4226618 as your biggest defender. I'm not even going to say anything else about your story, I'll just leave you with the knowledge that 4226618 is your only defender.Before I end this post, just a word of advice here; you might want to get that autism looked at.
4227880
1. I'm not butthurt.
2. I'm not not listing to the haters. In fact I'm going to use their advise to improve the story.
3. Can I get a link to that story?3. Communism shall fail.
4.
4227880
Is the torture story red and black or the one under it?
4227880 Basically this. You're only listening to the people who agree with you, who shouldn't be listened to to begin with. Meanwhile, PatientX just wrote a gargantuan (I do so love that word, rarely get to use it in a sentence) review for you're benefit. And you have the gall, the gumption, the balls, to just blow him off as a hater? If that's the case, then just fucking quit, because nobody wants that kind of shit on here.
4227989 Look at my comment 2 down from yours.
4227969 You should listen to the "haters" because they'll give you some form of advice like how not do something because it's bad. Also, why was that out of place bit of communism in there?
4227989 This.
4227982
If it weren't that you've been on site since February and all your favorites are HiE fics, I would call you a ruseman.
4228019
1. I do.
2. Because communism will fail due to the need of multiple levels of citizenship and is worse than monarchy because monarchy ends in dictatorship a lot less than communism, the king/queen in monarchy usually tries harder to help their people, and China makes everything except a good government.
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.607996755938839013&w=232&h=174&c=7&rs=1&pid=1.7
ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.607999350108850971&w=253&h=188&c=7&rs=1&qlt=80&pid=1.7
4228225 If you DO listen to "haters" then why did you blow off my review that's designed to help you as "hatred"? Why the fuck did communism worm its way in here?? Where the fuck did this come from?? Stop trying to change the subject.
4227998 That's what I was responding to in my reply to Patient. You're acting like an ungrateful, stuck up child. Get over yourself.
4228248
1. I apologize for calling it hate, though if it's -, helpful or not, it is classifiable as hate.
2. I'm not, I just know that communism is shit.
3. I read your story. It made me hungry.
4.
4228561 How the fuck did you equate what I said with communism? That had nothing to do with what I was talking to you about.
4229059
BECAUSE I'M FUCKING CRAZY!
4229238 I love you. Raise my babies?
4229444
Let me just get my lube, and -
cdn.sneakhype.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/infomercial-gifs-fails-3.gif