"I'm back Bonny!" I declared as I entered the hotel room.
"I told you not to call me that A!" She yelled as she swung a pan at my head.
"Whoa! Why do you have a pan!? This is a hotel!" I screamed as I dodged her onslaught.
"I'm a confectioner! I never leave home with out cooking tools and a collapsible oven!" She clarified as she swung again.
"Could you stop that?! Wheres Lyra? I thought she'd be back by now." I said, stopping the pan with my magic.
"Sigh. I don't know, she should have been back an hour ago. Could you go check to see if see got into trouble again?" She asked, more than a little worried.
"Certainly malady, but you have to promise not to hit me with that pan." I joked.
"Great. Thank you A." She sighed.
"Some time later." The Spongebob narrator said in his usual board voice.
"Lyyyyyyyraaaaaaa!!!!!" I shouted as I wondered through town.
It had gotten dark real quick as I scoured the city in search of the missing lyre player. At least that's what my conscious stuck with. In reality I went to Joe's Doughnuts, the castle gardens (don't ask, don't tell), Brass's music store, and A&W Rootbeer, which stood for Azoturia and Weanling in Equestria. So, out of options I could think about, I went to Lyra's last known location. Canterlot Castle. Those Night Guard members are intense.
"Halt!" The two guards commanded as they crossed their spears.
"Sup guys. I'm looking for Lyra Heartstrings. She came here earlier by Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's summons." I said as casually as one could with spears being pointed at oneself.
"If you wish to find someone summoned by a princess you must talk to said princess." Pony Luke Cage explained.
"Well where is the bitch? It's late, my friend is missing, and wanna find her so I can go to bed." I asked, irritated as fuck.
"Behind you." A very bitchy female voice answered from behind me.
"Shiiiiiiit. Listen Princess, my friend is one of your bride's mares and she hasn't come back yet so I came to see if see was still here." I said trying to keep the situation from deteriorating as much as possible.
"Yes, my bride's mares left about an hour ago. Now I suggest you leave before I try to find out what you called me." She warned.
Suddenly my eyes flashed blue. "Oh I don't think so lady. See the blue flash? That lets me see through your little trick.Don't think anyone would be to happy about the princess being impersonated. Now, I know you can teleport me to where you sent her, so do it." I warned her, a Cheshire grin on my face.
"I don't take idle threats from those below me." She warned as her horn started to glow.
"Good thing it was a promise huh?" I commented as I disappeared.
"Helloooooooo! Anybody home?!" I yelled as I continued to roam the caves that fake bitch sent me to. These crystal caves where long, dark, confusing, and echoy. I've been wandering for about four hours, give or take, and was starting to get pretty board and a little pissed off at certain things. The current target of my anger? A wall that aura scan reviled to be five feet thick with a pretty good chance of a living creature on the other side. Crystal scrambles the aura scan real bad. I'm talking Internet Explorer in the mountains on a old computer with real slow internet speed during a severe thunderstorm bad.
"I've had enough of this freaking CAVE!!!!" I screamed as I spun around and bucked the wall as hard as I could.
"A used Nuclear Kick! Wild Crystal Wall never stood a chance! A gained 300 EXP points!"
"Shut up space voice!" I yell at the random voice announcing my actions.
"Um who are you?" Two female voices asked from behind me.
I turned around to see a purple unicorn the real Princess as aura scan shows.
"I'm A, the changeling. Have you seen a sea foam green, often mistaken for mint, unicorn with a lyre cutie mark around here?" I asked.
"You mean Lyra?" The purple one asked.
"Yeah. She here?" I confirmed.
"I haven't seen her since yesterday. The fake Cadence said they went home after she dropped them for just wanting to be a princess's bride's mare." She clarified.
"Lyra wouldn't do that. I threatened the bitch up in Canterlot and told her to send me to where she sent Lyra. While she is evil she's not a complete dumb ass. If Lyra is not down here that whore knows she is going to be one soul short of a functioning life form." I promised. "Now come on. You two need to get out of this cave and I need to find my friend."
"Why should we follow you? You're a changeling just like the fake me." The pink princess questioned.
"Okay. One, that is a very racist thing to say and two I just took down a wall that was five feet thick in one buck. Don't think I can't do the same to anything in this cave, creature and object alike. If we just happened to stumble across a mine cart and rail I could easily get it going in one buck." I persuaded.
"Fine, we'll come with you." They grumbled.
"Whoa whoa whoa. As much as I would love for you two to come with me I don't even know your names." I joked.
"I'm Cadence./I'm Twilight Sparkle." They sighed in union.
"Great, lets go. Allons-y!" I cheered.
"Well that was fun." I laughed as I wiped the blood from my hooves.
"Wha? Huh? How?!" Twilight cried as Cadence cowered in the corner, away from the bloody mass of dead undead zombie pony miners.
"Well, I imagine that the vast quantities of magic seeping down from Canterlot into these caves had an effect similar to intense gamma radiation causing the miners that died in cave-ins to come back as zombies. Unless of course you're referring to how I rekilled them all without giving a single fuck. The answer to which would be that I never give any fucks. Now come on. I can see the exit." I answered.
"Hold on, you still have three ponies to get past." Three insanely creepy voices said in union. Then Lyra, a blue unicorn who had toothpaste for a mane, and a white unicorn with a rose colored mane walked out from behind a rock.
"All right girls step back, I got this." I said with confidence.
"Oh? And just what do you think you can do against the three of us?" The blue one questioned.
"Hey Lyra, Bon-Bon is waiting to make sweet hot love with you." I replied. All that remained of her was comically shaped dust cloud. I then applied one mild strength sleep spell to the other two.
"That was easy." I laughed.
"Come on, the wedding has already started!" Cadence shouted.
"Oh right. Come on then, I got asses that need a kicking." I said menacingly.