A Mare's Passion

Comment posted by Aegis Steelshield deleted Mar 23rd, 2014

The DJ Rainbow Dash

The DJ Rainbow Dash #2 · Mar 23rd, 2014 · 7 · ·

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I uh, I don't really know what to comment.

So here is Vladimir Putin riding a ritz cracker

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3ta1cB9Y81qlkly8.gif

DJRD

Incredible Blunderbolt

Incredible Blunderbolt #3 · Mar 23rd, 2014 · 1 · ·

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I also don't know what to say.

This was...

Huh.

You know, I don't think I've ever been as lost for words as I am right now.

JetstreamGW

JetstreamGW #4 · Mar 23rd, 2014 · 10 · ·

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Okay. Okay.

I'm going to TRY to be useful here.

This needs a complete re-write. There's no buildup to anything. Dash just kinda shows up out of nowhere and asks Twilight to be her girlfriend. Then they bang.

If you're trying to write a get-together story you've gotta lead into that better. If you just want to write a porn, skip the "get together" bit altogether because it's not believable. Just come up with a porno premise and do it.

Like, I don't know, they get messy and decide to shower together, or Dash is sore and Twilight give her a massage or something. Then just lead it into fucking. With the inherent conceit that they're already together. There's nothing wrong with gratuitous porn, necessarily, just don't pretend you're writing something else.

And please, read more porn before writing it. And get someone who has good taste in porn to look it over. This is not good porn.

Lexathet

Lexathet #5 · Mar 23rd, 2014 · 2 · ·

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While I find this very cute, it seems a bit too short. I think you did a good job, but perhaps you should work on making scenes longer and setting the mood of things before jumping into the sex. It's really rushed, but other then that, I personally think you did a good job and should keep it up.

Swift Agies

Swift Agies #6 · Mar 23rd, 2014 · · ·

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...well that was short

Lily Gingertail

Lily Gingertail #7 · Mar 24th, 2014 · · ·

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Hmm a bit rushed don't you think? but it was enjoyable non the less.
I will give this a 5/10. To short, rushed confessions, and a way to fast S-scene. All i can say that was positive was i did not find any writing mistakes, and the character was believe it or not in-character.
Keep writing and improving and you will get there some day. Get 1-2 editors and maybe a prof reader to, then you are set for a good well written fic.
~Tobben

Kodeake

Kodeake #8 · Mar 24th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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You crammed a love confession, which when in a one shot could take up to 4 thousand words before seeming drawn out (providing the writer has enough plot to flesh it out) and a sex scene, which in a one shot could be... again, about 4 thousand words if the author knows what they're doing, and crammed them both into something less than 2 thousand words.

I don't know how you did it.

Pacing wasn't a thing. Descriptions weren't even touched on. The sex scene was too short and didn't build up to anything. nothing had build up. nothing had atmosphere. It felt like you just wanted to get it over with as quickly as you could which, while you certainly did, does not make for a good or engaging read.

SteelyThePally

SteelyThePally #9 · Mar 24th, 2014 · · ·

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Ummm... this calls for a review. Don't think that I'm hating your story. Every single story has potential. But if this potential will be used for good or for bad, then that's placed carefully onto the author's hands. Let's begin the review, shall we?

Okay, firstly, congratulations because of the good grammar. But I have to say that this story was too rushed. And you used some complicated terms there that could be easily replaced by the character's names, or by a synonymous like 'rainbow-maned pegasus' and 'lavender alicorn', but take care to not overuse them.

Moving on, I would like to say that a rewrite would totally redeem this for many TwiDash readers. For me, it seemed that Rainbow popped at Twilight's doorstep, quickly got in, confessed her feelings to Twilight, and then they fucked. Add detail to those parts. You shouldn't simply jump directly into the kiss and the confession. Make a build-up. Like, the most used one, Dash and Twi are reading the latest Daring Do book, and then, bodily contact happens. They exchange long gazes at each other, their hears beat more passionately. That would be cute.

As for the 'clop', I found it way too rushed. There are tons of clopfics around here. Some TwiDashs may involve some sex, too. Read, and then you might see some progress. What I found strange is that they really jumped onto Twilight's bed and fucked each other. And, Twilight seemed to hurt Rainbow with her horn, what isn't very enjoyable, as long as I can imagine. That part where Rainbow caressed Twilight's pussy with her wing was way too awkward too, because wings are soft, and they wouldn't cause pain. I recommend reading more clop.

On the end, I'll give this a 6/10 for trying. See if you can find an editor, and feel free to ask me to fill the position of Proofreader.

Caelus-Streak

Caelus-Streak #10 · Mar 29th, 2014 · · ·

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I will have to agree with the viewers, this story is rushed a bit as you left out some details that could really make the story that much better. There's nothing wrong with the grammar as far as I can tell (I commend thee) so there's nothing to worry about that. But let's get to what I'm trying to say, and I'm not saying this is the almighty rule of thumb--or hoof, depending on your perspective.

As an advice, read plenty of stories, it doesn't have to be fics, it can be whatever you want to read as long as it's not done with bad writing: maybe read some of those best-seller novels (my favorite is the Eragon trilogy, been reading those dictionaries for days on end.) Now instead of reading said book of choice like you'd normally would--normally being reading it for pleasure--analyze it: how does the writer use his words to make up a nice paragraph or how does he connect point A with point B without rushing? is what I'm trying to say. I would offer me being your proofreader but, I myself am not really good at storywriting--hence the one follower (that is my proofreader) and the zero stories on my profile, from my story procrastinating--I even halted my first story but, I'm working on another, but shorter story.

I will give this a 6/10 as this has potential to be a nice clop story but the lack of fillers really make this story look like a summary. But don't let my/the criticism put you down, use it to your advantage and make your next stories better! I hope to see you and your stories around.

pinkypie17

pinkypie17 #11 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · ·

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4151143 agreed it was pretty good but if you went on with it it could've been a AMAZING story

QCosmic Derp

QCosmic Derp #12 · Apr 30th, 2014 · · ·

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... That was rushed story if I ever read one. It really could use a buildup. Also, that beginning was absolutely full of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. That's all I'm going to say, since it looks like other people already wrote what I would have written.

Daring Cammie Do

Daring Cammie Do #13 · Jul 26th, 2015 · · ·

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Um, not to be rude or anything, but ponies are herbivores. Them drinking another ponies blood is, in technical terms, cannibalism. That, and it's extremely unhealthy.

Daring Cammie Do