• Member Since 27th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 16th, 2018

Gamaholic2


Comments ( 11 )

try to balance the likes and dislikes :moustache:

Just through the description, I can figure that it's a bit shit. The writing clued me in even more so.

Firstly, you rush this fucker like your trying to jack off before someone finds you in the bathroom stalls at Macy's with your right hand in a very suspicious position. You appear at one place and end up at the other. We never get introduced to our antagonists and protagonists very well, so we just have to make assumptions. Personally, I like to think the rapists' names is Bob McCrackhead from Falalalala-ly Land, Joe Pesci, and McCaptain Scotland.

Then there's, you know, the whole fetish thing. Now, I won't be a hypocrite here. I have a hard-on for schoolgirl uniforms. Especially dem knee-high socks. But...I just feel you executed the whole idea of the story like shite. You rush, give barely any actual thought to it, brush off the fetishes of the rest of the cast (which could have been at least ONE original thought you could put in), and you, make another Mane Six+Mane Six shipping.

Now, I won't say those are all terrible. Some work really well, other don't. This one is slowly dipping to the latter. I mean, you build up all of this tension, and then you throw it out the fucking window and run it over with a tank once Twilight and Fluttershy start talking. You completely ignore how traumatic rape, attempted or completed, is to a person's mind, and we're talking about 'Shy here! She's the weak link in the Mane Six chain! And to have her just shrug it off like a fucking mosquito bite? So disappointing.

You could have had a multitude of ideas here. But you blew it out so you could fulfill your dream of Twilight getting all hot-n'-bothered by the sight of Flutter-Schwarzenegger. I don't know what could be worse: continuing to read this or setting up a picnic in the middle of the fucking Normandy beaches 70 years ago.

4084831
The problem would really be those people who always come early. I don't want any intestines in my potato salad, please.

But at least it's better than the concert we held in Stalingrad. A lot of people kept fainting for some reason after the neighbors began lighting firecrackers. And all the ketchup messed up my favorite t-shirts.

4084800 Thank you so much for actually commenting. Yeah, I didn't really put any thought into this, I didn't take anything seriously, I just wanted to get to the steamy bits. I guess I felt that it was good for something I did in a couple nights, but obviously not. :twilightoops:

I'll take it more seriously from now on and try to re-make it something worth reading. Sorry to waste your time.

4084866
Eh, could've been worse, to be honest. I can understand if you were writing lazily, just make sure you make a somewhat enjoyable read. And as long as I'm helping a fellow author's writing skills, there's no time one wasted.

And really, I should be the one apologizing here. I may have been a bit too harsh, but I needed to get it out. Honestly, I despise clop, but as long as it's not a Full Tummy remake or imitation, I might give it a second glance.

Highly doubtful though.

It's not the worst concept for a story, let alone a clop fic. That being said, you could work on the pacing a little more. Maybe provide some introspection besides the descriptions. How does Fluttershy feel during the confrontation in the street, or when she's getting intimate with Twilight? I think a good clop story isn't just juicy physical details, but emotional reactions, too.

FINALLY I find something that is 100% my fetish. Even if it's a bit hurried, and I am not very keen on the use of sexual assault as a plot device, I still quite enjoyed the growth bits.

Do keep up the good work, sir, and I look forward to seeing where you take this.

Not the best, but I'd say it's much better than my first try at a similar story.

This is a great first part! I can't wait for the next one! I love anthro, and FMG. This is fetish fuel for me. :heart:

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