OH COME ON?! Even The Title Is A Giant Dick Joke?!

by Derek Watterson

Chapter 2 - Stalker's, AND HIGH Mages?! -Part 1-

Last time on OH COME ON?! Even The Title Is A Giant Dick Joke?! :

Simon pointed to the sky, his drill glowing a bright green and his jacket swaying in the wind. “MY DRILL WILL BE THE DRILL TO PEARCE THE HEAVENS!”

“I’m going to kill every last Titan. I’m going to murder hundreds of them! And I won’t leave a single one alive….”

“Quiet yourself Titans***er69, my emotions run rampant right now.”

“EAT ME, DONT FORGET TO WRITE!!!”

That guard fainted.

You’ll all be free to fight off the Anti-Spiral. And I will have my pure chaos to fight for you!

Freedom is ours again, may you feel much insult at this, conniving female dogs!

Simon fell off his perch, landing gracefully on one knee, and his fist.

A portal made of multiple green hues opened in front of them, which they swiftly ran through.

An explosion.

A dick/sex hotel joke.

A museum of ancient artifacts.

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OH COME ON?! Even The Title Is A Giant Dick Joke?!

Written By: Derek Watterson, AKA AnimatedGamer

Chapter 2 – Stalkers AND HIGH Mages?! -Part 1-

----Simon And Friends, Current Time Period----

Simon was walking around, looking from ancient artifact to ancient artifact, searching for his drill. He stopped for a second, looking down at the girl leaning against him. To think, she and he had once hated each other. To think that they had fallen in love. It had seemed impossible to both of them, until one day they both finally realized.

Realized the difference between the forced instincts that they all felt, from no doubt the very beings they had changed into, and their own free feelings for each other. The difference was, and is vague, so vague that it took them the most of a year to finally see it.

He noted with mild amusement that she had actually fallen back asleep, and was once again moving only with the movement of her ‘lean-to’, which like usual was him. He slowly reached his right hand over to her face and gently brushed a bit of her hair behind her ear. This earned him the same reaction it always did.

Her snuggling into his shoulder with a small line of a smile.

One of the cutest things he ever bared witness too. As well as one of the things that motivated him the most.

Sure, he had his friends and a few races of spiral beings to worry about. But she… she just affected him… in a way no one, not even his previous girlfriends before the event happened had. He was wrapped around her dainty little finger as it was.

“Nia…” He whispered more too himself than her.

“Mmmhh…,” She took a moment to rub her eyes and yawn before looking up at him with half lidded eyes.

“What is it honey?”

This was just like her as well, always waking up when he spoke, even when he could barely hear himself. “Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about how we met… you know… ancient history!”

He wasn’t sure whether her giggling was because she found his joke funny, or because she thought that it was that bad… Still, in his mind he had just won a small victory.

He moved his head so that it was laying atop hers, smiling as he moved to walk, her at his side. Eventually she stopped giggling and fell back into her sleeping state, leaving him to the comfortable and soothing sound of her gentle breathing. When she did he lifted his head away from hers, and continued to follow the hallways. At some point they made their way into a large domed room, filled with smaller ‘legendary’ magical artifacts, most of which were weapons of ancient evils long dead or otherwise contained.

When they entered the room they were met with Kamina and Yoko from one of the three passages into the room, and Viral from the other. They all started walking towards the center, which as it happened, had a large platform with an equally large class case resting on it. They all gathered around the case and noted with sighs that they had finally found their weapons. Their way of fighting against all odds. Their way of fighting against many, each more powerful than the last, enemies.

“Welp, there’s our stuff guys, now all we gotta do is break the case, grab our stuff, get the hell outta here, and find somewhere to set up camp!” Kamina lifted his leg up, ready to curb stomp the fuck out of the glass case, his arms held tightly crossed against his chest.

“WAIT!” Viral quickly brought a hand up, effectively grabbing and stopping Kamina’s foot mid curb stomp.

Kamina seemed surprised from the block for a moment, but quickly regained composure, moving his foot back to the marble floor with a clack and shoving his face forward. “What?!”

Viral’s face met his, clashing against each other as if they were about to duel. “We need to be careful! Who knows what would happen if the glass broke?! For all we DO know, they could’ve magicked it so that the items within teleport, or disintegrate!”

Kamina’s eyes opened just a bit wider before he pulled back, looking in Simon’s direction. “What do you think bro?”

Simon looked from him to Viral, going back and forth in his head before his gaze settled on the case and its contents. “We’ll do things Viral’s way this time. Just to be safe. We don’t wanna be stuck on a ‘considered’ doomed planet marked by the Anti-Spiral with nothing to fight with.”

Viral nodded, then motioned towards the object of the argument. “Let’s pick up the glass and move it off,” he paused and his view changed to Kamina. “Then you can break it.”

Kamina sighed. “Alright, let’s get this over with. Come on Simon.”

Yoko walked up to Simon, gently grabbing the shoulders of Nia, moving her from her resting spot against him and setting her against herself. Simon nodded gratefully and moved to the side that Kamina was on, opposite of Viral. They all heaved up and the glass lifted gently off the marble base, after pulled it up far enough they shifted to pushing up against it.

Then…

Well…

Let’s just say that SOMEONE, and I’m not gonna say their name, just that their initials are PRINCESS MOTHERFUCKING LUNA, teleported in, landing right on the glass case.

They lost their hold on it right away.

CRASH!!!

Simon had fallen back, but quickly looked at his friends and the newly toppled over Luna laying on a pile of glass.

He slowly got up, the others following his lead. “Is she dead?”

"I dunno, but I'm hella pissed! I was suppose to get to break the glass myself..."

He then walked over to the case, picking up his bro’s sword before crouching low and poking her in the face. This was of course the only thing he had learned in biology. Poke dead stuff with other stuff.

He continued poking her for a few more seconds as the others blankly watched. His face almost lifted just a bit. He actually managed to learn something in biology!

She moaned a little as he continued to poke her however. “Nope, not dead. Just taking a nap. Dammit, BIOLOGY, YOU HAVE FAILED ME YET AGAIN! Why must you torment me so!”

That’s when a whole bunch of guards and custodian’s ran into the room, previously hoping to gather the objects that the strange beings were after, only to find said beings all standing around another one of them who happened to be poking one of the princesses with a sword in its sheath as she lay in a pile of fragmented glass.

Did I mention that she was unconscious?

One of the guards stepped forward, announcing their arrival to stop the bi-pedal figures. “Oh ma god! You killed Kinney- I mean Princess Luna! You bastards!”

The humans all jumped up, most of them running towards the assorted items on the marble display table. “Nope she’s just napping! Don’t worry I checked!” one of them yelled as he pulled up a tiny drill charm, handing the sheathed sword to the one with red, pointy, shades on his face, and wearing a cape.

The drill began glowing a bright green, and the one now holding the sword pointed it’s still yet to be un-sheathed form at the guard who spoke up. “Don’t worry, guard who very conveniently sounds like he’s Butters from Southpark, my brother had an F in medical class, which he believes is the same a biology! He totally knows the difference between dead and napping! And you should trust me, because I believe in the him that believes in me that believes in him!”

The guard suddenly looked very confused and sat down, his mind stuck on the believe thing, before his eyes began to spiral and he fainted, falling over onto his side.

“Quick, he’s not only assaulted princess Luna, but he's also made Butters Field pass out with his tricky words!”

The guards all charged, only to be stopped as a large metal foot broke through the ceiling, landing on front of them and sending them all flying back into the corridors.

The humans climbed quickly up and into the mech, and Viral climbed up onto the shoulder, lodging himself between it and the mech’s neck. Then they realized two things. One, the guard who Kamina spoke too knew Kinny, and was named Butters. Perhaps the Southpark joke they made had traveled ten thousand years of time. Wait… shit, I’m getting off topic again…

Anyways.

Two, when Gurren Lagann crashed into the building, Princess Luna’s body had sailed through the air into its hands. Funny how small the world is.

As the pilots and passengers re-sorted themselves into some mockery of comfortable, they noticed this, and after a few moments of quiet they all sighed.

Kamina decided to be the breaker of the silence after the sigh. “We have to take her back, don’t we?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t…” Came Simons reply.

The rest, excluding Nia, all shifted uncomfortably, expecting him to say as much.

“You do realize it was her and her sister that statue’d us, right?”

“Yes, I do Yoko, but I also realize that they only did it to stop our fight and protect their remaining citizens. Even if they did come a little late…”

“You're hopeless, you know that?”

Simon tilted his head as if in thought for a second then donned a large, dopey, grin and smiled at the picture of Yoko resting atop Kamina. “Maybe, but I always thought it was one of my better qualities!”

Yoko sighed more heavily this time and took a second before looking up at Kamina, who was grinning just as wide as his brother. She took a moment longer before she looked back at the monitor, with Simon's face on it, and rolled her eyes with a small smile. “Alright, but lets make this fast! We gotta go find some engineers and our old tech.”

They all nodded and the screens vanished before they took off to the castle, Luna gripped snugly in their giant metal hand. Little did they know they know that all that had transpired had been monitored by several ponies and several bi-pedal figures, most of which had cloaks tailored to fit them perfectly, to hide their appearances. There was however one exception in the form of a pitch black, pointy eared, pony in obsidian armor with a crescent moon design on it. Luna’s cutie mark to be precise.

****

----5 Minutes Prior To The Great Escape.----

The sole pony in armor looked around at the near invisible group surrounding him, noting the subtle differences each one showed. The two bi-pedals of the group stood stoically, there cloak’s edges blowing gently in the nighttime breeze as their faces and defining features remained hidden. Though it was clear to him that the two bi-pedals were a dragon female and a male Diamond Dog. Both were combat ready and highly intelligent, and most definitely not people who you wanted to mess with.

He moved his head ever so slowly, finding himself stopping on the two ponies on his right. If one were to pay close attention and observe -which is one of the many things he was paid and trained to do- they could tell that one of them was a Pegasus, or more accurately a male Pegasus, going off the build.

To identify the other it took a lot of skill, a lot of prior training in identifying its specific species, and more than enough time around her to know she was a changeling. Yup, that’s right.

Changeling. She. Sheeeee… Feeemaaaale…

Big concept I know, but bear with me.

She was certainly one of the odd ones in the group… though, all of them -even their leader- were oddballs in their own way. He moved his head again, this time to the left, where he saw a singular pony sitting, waiting, listening.

It only took him a millisecond to recognize her as a female unicorn due to the massive, pointy, spiraled horn on her head and the way she sat. She was also someone who he greatly respected; one of his teachers and a member of a family his has followed for generations. His father’s instincts kicked on and started speaking to him in the back of his head, telling him to make a move and try to grope her plot. “No, bad brain! She’s a higher up, and way out of my league!”

“Only because you refuse to make any moves!”

“She’s part of the Twilight family you idiot! It’s basically forbidden to even try to romance her!”

“Basically! And only because your family has followed hers for so long! The rules no longer apply anyways! She sent you to him to learn the ways of his! You follow his family now, not hers! And certainly not after you sacrificed your old wings for these new leathery ones!”

“T-th-that doesn’t excuse the fact that she’s a higher up you idiot!”

“Don’t call me an idiot, retard!”

“Don’t call me retarded, buddy!

“Don’t call me buddy, friend!”

“Don’t call me friend, buddy!”

“Yeah, well don’t call me either! What now asshole?!”

“W-well fuck you! You’re just a fuckin bitch!”

“Good job, you managed to find out first…”

The bat-stallion moved his head in minor shock from looking at the unicorn mage's plot to the pony on the 45 degree angle spire who spoke. He took a moment to wonder if he had said everything out loud and his leader was insulting him, only to realize a moment later that it was praise. He looked up, surprised at said praise that he was now conscious of, surely finding out about a bunch of statues moving isn't that important… not to him at least… maybe the Princesses and Elements… but him… then again, everyone working in the castle under disguise for him IS told to look out for them being moved… hmmm….

“I was just lucky, Sir.” The guard looked out at the moon that his Princess controlled for second, only moving his head back down when the figure spoke.

“Yes well… your acting is still superb as when I first found you, Knight Victorious.”

“Sir, please, I prefer Victory over Victorious. And... how did you know...”

“You’re not my only spy, and definitely not the only top notch informant I have in the guard… still, your passing out to come along was impressive, if not a tiny bit arrogant on your part…”

The newly addressed Knight put a hoof to the back of his head, roughly brushing against the plating of his armor, with a small sheepish smile. “Yes… well… I didn’t want to stay too long after not only galloping from the garden to the nearest enchanted fireplace messenger, and from there to the royal dining hall within the time between the next guards shift through, not to mention the time for me to report in… I looked a lot worse than I should from just the gardens to the dining halls…”

“I suppose your point has some merit, however, how do you think you’re going to explain to your fellow guards that you suddenly disappeared for a short period of time after passing out?”

“… I went to use the john?”

“… Wow… Okaaaaayyy…. Moving on.”

Victory shifted as his boss took in his rather stupid, now that he thought about it, question-statement mixture. Then his thoughts returned to why his boss was so interested in those specific statues when there were plenty more frightening and terrifying ones in the garden. Definitely talking about the one with the two bi-pedals like the ones his boss was interested in. One of them was air humping…

*shiver*

Or the strange giant bi-pedal in armor with a huge needle and wearing a diving suit helmet. Oh and that creepy female bi-pedal that was called the lady of madness… fuckin hell was she creepy… like, every newbie guard ever that sees her for the first time and pisses themselves kinda creepy...

“You may ask your question.” The stallion stated, moving to stand on only his hind legs, managing to be just as still as ever. The bat pony knew that as awkward as it looked it meant that his leader was preparing to move. A sign that he knew something was about to happen.

Victory wore a look of surprise for a moment, questioning for a fraction of a second how his boss had seen his question contorted face. Only for a second though. It was best not to think about how his leader did or knew things without bothering to even look with his own eyes. He instead decided it best to get his question out in the open. “What is their importance to us, and furthermore… you, Sir?”

The stallion, still standing on two hooves sighed, before tilting his head down to see the roof of the class five magical artifacts section of the museum. Including such things as the other Alicorn amulets and magic built books of Tulvany, an old, long forgotten land which was magically gifted in ways that Equestria could never compare. “They saved every race on this planet in their darkest hour. And when I say their darkest hour I mean both the races of Equus and their own. Or so goes the legend, truthfully it’s a tale passed down only by a few families at this point. Mine included. They arrived and saved my great granddad before any of those legends started, so I have a little more knowledge than most.

“At many points they almost lost themselves only to come back stronger, and better fighters. Every convened race followed them to their last breath under the banner of freedom, their enemies only wanting to trap them beneath the surface of the planet. So they defeated their enemies’s leader. After that, the princesses and their closest allies sealed them in statue because of the damage they caused. A whole continent and the part of Equestria called the Bad Lands were said remains of the battle.

“But before they had vanquished the threat they began to speak of an enemy, an enemy they knew would come. An enemy that wouldn’t even bother with enslavement, going straight to obliterate the whole world off the face of the universe,” he paused, this time looking at the star filled sky. “That is why they are important. Because the threat is real and Discord confirmed it’s going to make its move in a few months at best.”

He finally looked back at his subordinate and the rest of his allies who had been listening before breathing out a few simple words just loud enough for them all to pick it up. “We need them to survive.”

The guard was taken back at this, knowing that if his leader was right, that a fight was coming that would decide if the whole planet was to be destroyed or not. He shook his head. He did know that his leader was right. It was strange how he knew it, almost as if he had known about it his whole life, that the planet killing threat was real.

Like it had been written into his very being since before even time itself.

Even with the knowledge that it was real he shivered, and at his core he was shaken, afraid. He knew every member in the group could feel his fear, including her, even with the steady stance he was in and mask of bravery he wore. But they also sensed the strong, new found determination and sheer willpower he was giving off. It had started as just a flicker in his heart and grew into a burning fire in his eyes.

Just then a massive, green illuminated form flew over him and dropped down into the roof of the space were his leader had been looking, shocking him only temporarily as the now obviously metal frame shined in the white light of the moon stopped. Then they watched as smaller bi-ped forms crawled onto and into it, before it closed off its insides

A few moments later and it climbed into the sky, flying away to Canterlot castle. Knight's inner fire once again focused and he spoke. “That was them, wasn’t it?” he received a nod from his boss, who shifted positions to one that the Dragon and Diamond Dog mirrored.

Victory shifted into an easier galloping stance, one that the other ponies shifted into, before they sprinted off ahead of him and their leader. “What are you doing Knight?”

Victory's face contorted to a mix of a grin and a fearful grimace. “Sir Wanderer, you have trusted me with information of what I could only assume is top priority, beyond classified. You’ve given me a new mission without realizing it I think, Sir. Also… I need to get Luna…”

A small smile played on the now known Wanderer, however Victory was oblivious to it. “Well then, Victory, lets go get save the lot that's out only chance of surviving.”

Both of them sprinted off, running before they both began to seemingly glide in the air; one actually flying and the other running at speeds most land based ponies could only dream of.

----Back With The Group.----

The crew was flying towards the castle when they realized the almost obvious pun that was the name of the museum. They had seen the very large, very obvious text that they were born with stating that it was The HIGH Mage Museum. The moment of realization was of course first found and capitalized by their leader, Simon. And it went something like this;

“Hey guys? Did you see the sign on that building? It was in English... very stylized English, but English nonetheless…”

Yoko looked at the new screen with something like pride and confusion fused into one. “Yeah, what about? I mean it shouldn’t be that surprising to you… we did start a whole new system of education way back then… or I should say, me and Viral started one. I headed the language translation and implementation.”

Simon nodded, not even contemplating a negative comment, instead preparing his highly thought out and obviously beyond genus statement. “Yes, well. I hope you noticed it said high in all caps and in italics.”

The engines became the only noise of two as Gurren Lagann glided effortlessly through the air, Viral shaking lightly with a suppressed grin and giggles. At some point he lost his self-control and broke out laughing, tears flying down his face. Yoko’s face was now a deep shade of crimson, they kept English… but they must of modified it? There’s no way their intention for that sign was to add emphasis on the high part, right?

Simon laughed, making to finish his statement before he was interrupted by a rather snarky female voice yelling from below them. “Seriously, just because they were great mages doesn’t make them classy!”

All eyes, including Laganns, fell to a bright pink mare with a puffy mane hoping from rooftop to rooftop just underneath them, who was doing various tricks midair. Wait… were those springs on her hooves? What the fu-

“You know, suddenly I don’t even think my joke was that funny anymore… nor do I feel anything but mild agitation… as if someone was stealing my goddamn spotlight…” Simon muttered depressingly to himself.

“Simon… someone IS stealing your spotlight…”

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-“

Before Simon could finish or get any other complimentary curses out he was cut off by the bright, darkness repelling pink mare. “Hey mister roboto pilot-y person?! Do you like cupcakes?! Wait of course you do, everypo-“

Simon, still aggravated at being cut off, decided in all his customary manners to retaliate by cutting off the now holiday themed light covered mare mid thought. “Pie. Is. Better.” And then almost as an afterthought he quickly added with a shiver that she would never see, “Especially freshly baked, warm apple pie covered in ice cream…”

She gasped loudly, “AUDIBLE GASP!” And then she froze up before falling in between buildings, vanishing from sight into the dark alleyways below.

Viral spoke up a few moments after the group fell into silence –which was becoming a trend to their own dismay- with a rather late statement. “Well that just happened…”

****************************************************************************

Author's Note:

Well, I've had this half sitting for a while now, and I'm actually out of my writers block funk for this story, so I'm back to working on it. It probably helps that I have keyboard again.

Also, I'm at 500 views now, soooo, I wanted to do something. Even if it's only half a chapter.

The other half to come soon. Hopefully I'll be done within the next 24 to 48 hours.

Comments

[MalO]

IT LIVES!

[Derek Watterson]

4732014 It does indeed live.

And more to come soon thanks to my new computer and a good old keyboard.

[MalO]

4732044 I need to get a new computer myself, if only I wasn't so poor...

[Derek Watterson]

4732690 It took a lot of jobs (I'm not union, but I have a similar system of getting called in.) to get the money to set it up. But, now I can work on this stuff again!

[MalO]

4735477 hooray! I actually await with rapt attention for each update, so good job thus far!

[Derek Watterson]

4736714 Thanks! I'm glad to write something that you enjoy!

I'm trying to push through the chapter so I can release it today, so wish me luck!

[ZephyrStrife]

Aww... got to the end of the second chapter... and now I only want to read more