Warning: You must read PegasusKlondike's War of the Fallen Race for this to make any sense. (located here on fimfic).
We have been gone for 2000 years. Human kinds achievements have long since turned to dust in that time. The only things that remain are the things we kept with us in the Stronghold. They helped us in the past, they are here once again to aid their creator, but this time, we will not forget them as we once did all those years ago...
Done with the permission of PegasusKlondike, I have started this spinoff of 'War of the Fallen race'.
Minor swearing is included but not enough to warrant a teen content rating (very well could change in the future).
Slight update: Finally got a cover picture drawn. Ya it looks crappy right now (took it with my laptops webcam) but will have a decent scan done on it in the next few days.
Interesting Premise, i leave you this as i cant find much else to say.
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"Good, good, now would you care to remind me as to what project Leviathan is?" questioned Winters
Seeing someone ask this question in a narrative in any way, shape or form tells me instantly that it's not worth reading.
There are missing periods. All over the place. You have made homeless a thousand innocent periods who did nothing wrong. Also wtf are there pictures of trains for when you could have (and should have) described them instead.
368604 Reason one for the pictures is that I am TERRIBLE at description, so I figured I would just skip right over it and throw pictures in there. Didn't seem like a bad plan to me. I will find most of the missing periods when I have the time. As for your first statement, tell me what I did wrong and I will gladly fix it...
368541 Care to explain this? lol
368979
There's no reason not to try your hand at descriptions. Practice makes perfect after all.
As for my first comment, having one character ask another to tell them directly about something that both of them are already full aware of ... well, it's generally seen as a lazy way of giving exposition to the readers. That clearly didn't happen in the scene in question, though; the sentence merely left a bad taste in my mouth, and for that I apologize. (But not for the missing periods problem.)
Hell yeah. I like the plot! NO THAT ISN'T A PUN YOU SICK MINDED IDIOTS XD.
Very niiiiice.
It makes more sense if you first read my story.
376142
Knew I forgot something...
Edit: Fixed
Sheeeeeeeeet. Diamond dog negotiating time?
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378647 probably in a few chapters, but yes! It will come!
381091 being physic like a boss
Bahahaha. Watch yer rump twi, it could be crispy soon ;)
Much better on the descriptions. Keep up the good work.
Wat.
Lol. Twilight got owned by whistle.
Hmm, constructing towns, good man. Also I'm pleased with the recognition of the need for supplies since crops would take a long time to mature. I must however snip a little bit. Though these chapters are well written and detailed enough to kill a man, they aren't really advancing the plot.
394762 This is true and soon I will be skipping ahead to a certain portion of the story that has to deal with the crews in Minnesota and Diamond dogs...
Action will ensue haha
The Diamond Dogs will have a very big surprise when they find out who they were messing up with.
Negotiating didn't go well I see.
LEMME AT THOSE MONGREL BUGGERS
google.co.uk/search?q=guns&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=zviDT-i9BIn-8gOe64HPBw&biw=768&bih=946&sei=0PiDT4_rH5Hy8QPNl_G2Bw
Good, good my writing acolyte....expand our world. Let it blossom in its own right.
Okay, that sounded creepy as hell. But good work and keep at it.
I forgot to mention this, but all of your dialogue is perfectly coordinated and matches with my story fanon.
481260 that's helps me alot with this. The whole times I have been writing this I have been thinking about that lol
Inter-story references! BRO HOOF!
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507942 (\ YUS!
Excellent work. Keep it up!
530889 Thats what I am tryin to do. Haha
Looks like they forgot that canines' nose are very sensitive.
533120 hmmm, this is true, but considering they are covered in dirt and all the dogs are panicking most likely, they didn't notice the change in smell.
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Hey Iron, I just thought of something. Neither of us bothered to elect a vice president.....
550009 That could be a problem...
550086 Hmm, any good candidates coming to mind?
550186 None that I can think of. You got any?
550204 Well, we could just OC one out of the tens of thousands of unnamed human beings. How about Edward Smitts?
550224 That might work.
550239 Righto, it wasn't really necessary to any of our plotlines I'm guessing, but it helps to be sure. Plus I've been pseudo-obsessing over giving Terra depth of culture and government.
Kloke would get a kick out of this
566111 I am sorry but who now? I am guessing you know who I am right?
Kloke, the builders of the Levitation.
and nope, not a clue and to who you are, unless your a goofy conductor for a small shortline who keeps telling me to stay outta his shed.
Le first : p
New pony/train/thing
Good news faithful WotFR writer, LargeFish8 and I are back in correspondence. Right now we are hammering out the details and the timeline for the sequel to the original! Fish has graciously provided a character list and bios for most of the main characters as well as background conflicts. All we need now is a little more time.
And plenty of other times you went caps lock happy.
Anyway, try to use less caps, if you need to put an emphasis on something use italics, and even then only when you really need to. Most people can guess when someone's shouting by the words or the character's reactions.
Now on to reading the rest, human steam tech, the best there is. (I don't quite understand the ponies' engines, they have external cylinders, you can see them quite clearly, but they have no piston or connecting rods...must be magic.)
But wasn't it in MMMystery on the Friendship Express that when they went into the cab they were shoveling coal into the boiler? But as in my last comment, magic seems to have replaced piston and connecting rods.
Also I see quite a few grammar mistakes, most common is when you write "Ill" instead of "I'll".
Hey now, don't get lazy it's only a three letter word, "two".
Anyway no offense, just giving you some pointers. Now to continue chugging through the story.
That sentence looks like it isn't suppose to be there...
And 1000 miles to Canterlot? From reading "War of the Fallen Race" it sounded like Canterlot was only a couple hundred miles away max.
This is like the first time I've ever gone grammar Nazi, lol see what you've done with your steamers?
So far in the eight chapters I've read you haven't used "you're" once, you quite literally have hundreds of "your" 's when you were suppose to have "you're" 's. You need an editor, but anyways, I like this spinoff, time for things that go boom!
Well I thought this was pretty good, short yea, but still good. The grammar needs work but that's not that big of a deal, besides, how many stories are there on American steam locomotives?
So is this story done? The story still says "incomplete" but the chapter before this stated it was the second to last, making this the last chapter and the end...correct?
2363759 Thanks for proofing! One day I am sure I will go through them all and try messing with them again but as of now I dont really see the point. I intend to make it longer then it is, if you are watching Pegasusklondike you will see why I gotta make it longer XD
376578 Just a helpful tip, in War of the Fallen Race Canterlot from Stronghold is exactly 200 miles away west. Just stating that before some one gets their panties in a knot.
2370714 Pegasusklondike is reading this as I write it so if its okay with him then it really doesnt matter.
No, offense but this story seems lack fluff if you know what I mean. You don't describe things and draw them out as much as a fictional story should. Now there is nothing wrong with that but if you think you can do better then go ahead and rewrite the story.
4075560 I completely and whole heartedly agree.
I am on the fence about it.