[This is the Redux Version of the original Story which was pretty short and kinda rushed, Hope you like the updated version]
Rainbow Dash wakes up and doesn't know where she is, all she can hear is a faint beeping and some loose bandages covering her eyes. She has a distinct memory of the events before, but finds herself trying to keep it out of her mind. What exactly happened to Rainbow Dash?
Picture belongs to its rightful artist.
I have gotten better at writing, this should be better than most of the things, I even pre-read it myself before posting
This is written to be an emotional fic and is dialogue and emotion driven, it's written to be a tear-jerker, but not meant to be an all-out tears flowing type of thing.
Chapters (4)
5 story's? I can barly write one, you sir are awsome, People keep updating story's and I still need to watch the new episode, should i be happy or sad
35705 I have many more than five, some are just unpublished
But this is remade from an older fic of mine that was horridly written
35709 i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n526/Mr-Ghast/Ponys/wut.jpg
More than 5 and I think that says it well enough
35714 Using numbers is the exact same thing, I like to type them out though.
35717 So then you don't use 3P1k, you say THREEPONEK?
35721 No, let me explain this, when it comes to JUST numbers like so. I have one thing. and then there are things that have numbers in them like [gun name] AA-12 and such.
35721
Continue on good sir
35743and I shall
And one hour later after all that stuff i had to do, I finally read it, and for once, I actually liked a story like this, which I dont normally do, This is one of the VERY VERY few non-romance story's I like, you sir, make every story good.
35753 Thanks, I'm getting better in my writing, I'm not sure just how long this will be though.
Despite a couple odd sentences this was a superbly well written story, I can't wait for more!
36199 the next chapter is moreso a guilt trip for Dash. Odd sentences are sometimea unavoidable, but thank you
Chapter 2 will be released in about a week. Sorry to make you wait
Chapter 2 released for Thanksgiving
I hope you enjoy
to be honest, you had Pinkie break the news about fluttershy kind of bluntly, that part could have been written better. Other than that I have no complaints other than the fact that you killed fluttershy
YOU KILLED FULUTTERSHY!!
YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS ACTION
39787 Fluttershy, I know. She's one of my favs too, but things mist happen. And it's pinkie... she could scream "FLUTTERSHY IS DEAD." And it's just how pink is. Thanks though, better written? Yes... it could
39795 we're all a bit insane, tis okay.
I think RainbowSparkle is more hinting to the way in which you had her break the news.
"I don’t think we can say the same for Fluttershy though, she passed away about a few days ago, apparently she suffered a fatal aneurysm that ultimately ended her life. I’m sorry Dashie, I know how close you were with her, we were all saddened by Fluttershy’s passing, but nature can be very cruel sometimes"
It doesn't sound like like something someone who has just lost one of their best friends and nearly lost a second would say. It sounds very robotic when you read it to yourself.
Other than that it's okay. Sounds very similar to the other Dash getting hurt fics out there. As they usually have Fluttershy hurt also and the other friends lives being messed up by her injuries... but I suppose you'll find your own little tangent to take this story down.
Wait... RD was dying, so the docs used the AED upon her while Pinkie Pie was in the room watching? Then Pinkie had a long convo while the docs did not leave the room?
I think it would have been better if the scene where RD came back to life had some choatic activity and confused statements by the doctors.
Then, some time afterwards when RD's vitals stabilize, RD will be back in her rom and Pinkie would be allowed back in.
The dialogue here is very telling, especially the statements about Scootaloo being RD's reason to keep going. However, the layout of the scenes are a little confusing.
Overall, not a bad little fic. Sounds like it's time for RD to have another horrible dream, Silent Hill style!!!
I just think this chapter was weaker than the last, it was a little too blunt, but overall pretty good
39843 I understand, and when pinkie shuts down, she loses emotion and such. Perhaps I'll take down the chapter and rework it and realease it with the next one.
39868 this is why I don't trust doctors.
39874 hmmm, I'll try to fix that. It was pretty blunt, but still better than the original.
Overall thanks for the criticism I appreciate the input, and I'll try to work it better
39787 39843 39868 39874
All been fixed in the re-done chapter, I made it a little less blunt.
FLUTTERSHY NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore!
42112 unfortunately
42346 neither do I
Imagine All The Bronies Killing Themselves Now, The Brony Culture Is Finished
42505 uh, GET OUT
42508 Deal With It :P
You Have Started A War Between The Bronies And Anti-Bronies, Shame On You, Eclipse, Shame On You...
43508 no, the show itself did.
43507 k
43595 That's On The Internet, Noob, It's On Our World...
44602 so?
39813 definitely a much better way of writing the news, I take it, the letter Fluttershy wrote is going to be revealed in a later chapter then?
39868 no, I think they were getting ready to use the AED
also to the last part, OH SH-
45359 yes, I'm having to re-write later chapters to accommodate this chapter.
45361 that was a reply to the old chapter, and they did use it on her.
44708 Painis
49185 Painis Cupcake
I think the reactions to Fluttershy's death in this chapter aren't as strong as they should be, Twilight just kinda goes, "oh, that blows, I might cry later", otherwise, great writing, keep it up!
52135 Twilight always has a more formal approach to things in this fic. But, eh... more might not come...
The dialog in this chapter seems rushed. Even considering how much the event has changed them, the characters are still noticably out of character. Rainbow Dash NEVER says that much at once, nor does she know such big words.
52162but was it not 'out of character' for Rainbow Dash to choose a turtle over a falcon? But I understand
43596 Six Stones, Standing High, All Topple Down, One By One.
52576 Eventually everything must end.
It could have been better written. I mean I'm no writer... And I probably couldn't put together a story even close to the length of this. But personally I feel like you have some really long segments of just pure talking. It's not necessarily an incorrect way of writing, but it may feel daunting to a reader to find such long pieces of text and it gives them little time to reflect upon what they're saying. Maybe part some things up with a cough or a weird look from the other character. Sometimes I also feel like you have some long sentences because of comma's and such.
Here is an example of how one of your long segments could have looked like. At least in my opinion.
---
"I guess you can say I’ve done a lot of growing up since I’ve been in that coma. I guess I was in a coma, maybe I was just asleep for a long time. Anyways, that long of a time really gives a pony time to think, and I did think. I did the most thinking I’ve ever done before. I completely tore apart my very existence to find who I really am inside, and I’m not even done thinking. These dreams, these memories are(?) the old me. Tough as nails, and more stubborn than a drunk at a bar." Rainbow said and as the last sentence left her she gave Twilight a hint of a smile.
"But after looking into my own mind, I saw what made every pony so angry at me. I disobeyed rules, made fun of other ponies, I was all around arrogant, I was all around ignorant, and if any pony had a problem, I wouldn’t listen. But no more, if I’m going to die then I’m going to die a new mare. The old Rainbow Dash is no more, now all there is, is the new 20 percent cooler Dashie!” Rainbow Dash announced, making Twilight smile and giggle at her again, until they both heard hoofsteps coming from the hall. And they were approaching pretty fast like some pony was late to something really important, or Rarity got into a pile of mud.
---
I'm no writer and English isn't my native language so what I just changed might be completely incorrect or what not. And I obviously mean no offense either. So good luck with the next chapter I'm really looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds
Also sorry for the long comment <_<
54211 no prob. English writing really is just context. There are many 'incorrect' combinations that still make sense. Yes runons ate common with me...
I found the linkin park reference