You know, it's nice that the chapter came out quickly, like I asked, but there are a lot of things I've noticed in the story that can drive many others away.

For one, there are spelling and grammatical errors. Now, I know most writers like yourself sometimes has trouble with finding their own mistakes, but I could probably point out 30 from this newest chapter without any trouble. I suggest you find yourself an editor/pre-reader for this story. It would really help.

Second, you are moving this way too fast. In the beginning, it seemed a bit fine. Now, you're just adding in random stuff to fit parts of the plot. I mean, The Doctor coming out of nowhere and just randomly explaining how Luna and her, oh yes, unexpected, (literally) son just so happened to become separated. There was no backstory to that AT ALL, and it just happened.

Also, you just jumped from one thing to another. In the beginning, you introduced him an show he came to Equestria. That was fine, because it took thru entire chapter to do so. But, when you just put him no an awkward situation with the mane 6, they immediately decided to have a random slumber party? I understand pinkie doing that, but Twilight? You just go from one thing to another, and it needs to gradually change from one to another.

Third, this is supposed to be a first person thing, right? I can't really tell too much. It's including what James is seeing, but it speaks as if it was third person when not in his perspective. That's really confusing.

Fourth, I recall Graymayne being asked to watch James, not kill a guard and abduct him. At least, that's what I've gotten from that ending scene. You just included that without any sort of warning, and that bugs me, in a way. And if it isn't Graymayne who abducted him, then you're just including a new character without any backstory. That's frustrating as well.

I like this story. I want to see where it goes and how it turns out. I just felt like those problems HAD to be noted, and attempted to fix. I probably speak for many people when I say this. (This entire comment) If you ever need help, you should feel free to ask. Don't just keep the entire story yourself when it has this many problems. You definitely need to get some other's help for this story.

4629289 Well yeah I guess I can see that and yeah I think I tried pull random shit out my ass nearing the end, its not a first person story, what gave you that, might have been who I write, sorry, and yeah I did make the sleepover thing happen to fast didn't I, but it was so twilight can learn some about James and so that he can make friends with the mane 6, but I more than likely will fix them but I did say in it for Graymayne to kill him but yeah will most likely fix it, not sure when might take down the new chapter though, and trust me, I have tried to get help, no one ever wants to help for free, I might work, but I have no way to pay people on the internet, my family would kill me and thanks for the help and showing me the errors, its just I suck at spelling and grammar and pacing in writing and never ask for help, have to much pride but still thanks didn't see any of those and will fix them but must take down the new chapter before people start to hate me

Son of a Bitch I've had simlur idea

5433637 Sorry I guess

Sorry I snapped this story is great keep going with it it's great

5439116 Thank you and I will and its ok I have a bad temper

It's good see we have a under standing

5439322 Yes it is

I've been typing up a fallout crossover and once it's done I want you to be the first one to read it

5439466 Ok i'll try to read it

5439488 thank's ill have it up tomarow

5439073 my story will be up at 11pm eastern time

I'm sorry I'm sick need to get some sleep get a chapter done first though