Siblings : A Tale of Adventure

Xenomorpher #1 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

This is ok . Some work is needed to fix the run-on sentences. The story seems to move a little too fast... It could be because of lack of smaller details and run-on sentences. After all that, I have to say that this is an interesting take on an HIE story. (Followed story)

Emerald Knight

Emerald Knight #2 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4671028 Glad you like it, and yeah I have to check everything myself and I do tend to miss all kinds of stuff and I do tend to make things a bit faster paced them what I would like, but family who hates how I like mlp, work and chores keep me busy, but thanks foe the feed back and I hope you enjoy the ride

-Emerald Knight

JohnIsOffline

JohnIsOffline #3 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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Need Image Cover.
It will be great with Image Cover in this story.

Emerald Knight

Emerald Knight #4 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4672556 Yeah, I can't draw and I have no way to pay someone to draw for me, unless I meet them in person, I have no online money accounts but have plenty of money in person and can't find something good on google images

JohnIsOffline

JohnIsOffline #5 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4673093 My friend, This is fimfiction.
You have to do this, writing and more words and GREAT story.
Few month later, here will someone like your Story, The problem is, you need is help.
I think, I hear someone do for free but seem i forgot.
maybe you can ask someone do for free art.

PS: sorry bad english.

Emerald Knight

Emerald Knight #6 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4673120 Maybe, but I tend to just get my family to re read my works, well my mom at least, and they give me feed back on how I could improve, but don't really help cause they hate how I'm in this fandom, and yeah I could look for someone to help me edit this but I might get an irl friend to draw me some art, other wise I might draw the title really fancy and use that

JohnIsOffline

JohnIsOffline #7 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4673133 Good luck my friend,
here are many thing you want to know.
it's a pleasure to meet you.

Emerald Knight

Emerald Knight #8 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4673155 You to kind sir (Bows)

JohnIsOffline

JohnIsOffline #9 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4673200 No, your sir (Salute)

Ashardu

Ashardu #10 · Jul 11th, 2014 · · ·

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4673133 You know, there are proofreaders that can help you, instead of your family that apparently hate or don't support your likes. As for the story, try to add more.... dialogues or try to make it feel more real. As previously said, try to avoid the run-on sentences. Here, let me show you:
*your story*

He sat up the best he could and stretched out his broken foot, he then grabbed it and started to twist in the opposite direction in was pointed in until he hear a loud SNAP and felt large amounts of pain. He waited for it to subside before he tried to walk on it.

*Another way*

Chris sat up on the grass, trying to get into a more comfortable position. As he stretched out his broken foot, he proceeded to grab it and twist it in the direction it was born and meant to. Chris continued to twist his foot, enduring considerable amounts of pain in the process until he finally heard a loud SNAP. The pain was worse than he expected, so much he could almost scream. Before trying to move on, he waited for the pain to subside, which wasn't long. After the pain finally ceased, he got back to his feet and tried to walk, in search of his family.

....Okay, maybe I overdid it. Perhaps I added to much detail or realism, but that's up to you.
Anyways, the thing is that you shouldn't rush things. If you didn't like it, or simply it was much of a 'something', then do it again. Not necessarily everything, but at least the part that wasn't good enough for you.
Please, don't think of this as a nagging, but more as an advice. If you have any kind of doubt or thought about what I pointed out, feel free to ask me, 'kay?

Emerald Knight

Emerald Knight #11 · Jul 12th, 2014 · · ·

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4679706 Dude, You have blown my mind with that, and I tend to think more simply then most people then I know and tend to not go into detail, but dude, that was AWESOME and I will defiantly try to achieve for that, but still mind blown

Ashardu

Ashardu #12 · Jul 12th, 2014 · · ·

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4680987 Glad to know. It's experience more than anything.

Each writer has its own style and that one is the my style, well, at least that is what I think. I won't tell you how to write it, but make sure that everytime you write something, you like it.

If you like your own story, then it doesn't matter what others think about. Fortunately, people actually like this, despite the 'Human(s) suddenly teleported to Equestria' cliché, so go ahead and bright up their days!