- Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Yesterday
Jlargent
Not much to say really, I write stories for the Brony Nation and the Pegasister Alliance that's all I do really.
Jlargent
Joined 22nd Feb, 2012 ·
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Nope.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/12/27/793465.jpg
My OctaviaXVinyl senses were tingling to a threat.
This was obviously not that threat.
5655366 For some reason the picture isn't showing up.
I liked this.
Negative: Okay, so aside from the mature content, something I'm not fond of in writing (which the warning was there but I continued at my discretion), there was a lot of items that became off-putting, very quickly. I would recommend a good pre-reader and an editor or two. There were grammar mistakes abound throughout the story which kept me from actually being able to delve in.
Aside from that, the progression was far too fast paced, even for a one-shot. The events that transpired within this single chapter could have been extended over the course of several chapters. There could even be a few flashback chapters to add to the present events. Though seeing as this was intent on being a one-shot, I believe that if this had been lengthened, prolonging some events, this would've been much more enjoyable. I won't, or can't rather, criticize you on the character's personalities as neither have really been portrayed to the point of understanding canonically and both are up to the individual interpretation of the writer. I noticed several references scattered throughout that weren't exactly necessary. A reference used in good time will be repaid in kind.
Another thing would be to flesh out what it is the character is doing. For instance, you wrote how Vinyl felt Sonata's neck to ensure she was okay. How did she know she was okay? Did she feel Sonata moving due to respirations/breathing? Did she feel a tinge of warmth that signified life was still present? Did she check her carotid artery to ensure a pulse was still present? The readers won't always know what's going on when a character does something. You should always treat a reader like a child in the respect that it is necessary to explain pretty much every last detail.
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Positive: I've never actually thought of this pairing and it's actually pretty cool. I'd like to see more SoVi fics on the site. I also appreciate the warning for the mature content, though I disregarded it. It allows readers to view the story and skip the "scenes" they'd rather not view, if they'd rather not view them. Contrary to my statement regarding references, I actually enjoyed the Taco reference. I got a good laugh out of it.
[/hr]
Ending: All in all, I'd say this story has potential and suggest you review and possibly rewrite it as a longer, prolonged story. I'd like to see not only a longer build up of the relationship between Vinyl and Sonata but also a date or two afterwards. Maybe a flashback of the events after the BoB that lead to Aria and Adagio turning on Sonata.
Take all of my comments with a grain of salt, I mean no offense by them. It's within my nature to try and point out errors when reading that may help improve a writers ability, though when it comes to my own work I often make the same mistakes. Hopefully some of my advice can help you in the future. Thanks for the new OTP. I look forward to reading some of your other works.
-Nights