Chapter 1
The Conversion Bureau
The End
A grimdark MLP:FiM fanfic set very loosely in “The Conversion Bureau” universe by Blaze.
WARNING: Grimdark. It may cause rage, impotence, flatulence, cooties and severe depression. Count yourself warned. Go read something else if you don’t like grimdark.
***
“TWO FEET NOT FOUR! NOT A SINGLE INCH MORE!”
“TWO FEET NOT FOUR! NOT A SINGLE INCH MORE!”
The crowd chanted loudly, waving their signs with myriad slogans on them; things like “ponies go home!” and “god hates newfoals!”. Mike was one of them. He booed and yelled with the rest outside the barricaded, blocked and closed doors of the final Conversion Bureau in his home city-state. The windows, which had once been pristine and clear as diamond, were now scuffed, cracked in places. He glared inside, the damned ponies were doing it to the last human. It didn’t take long. He remembered the roaring cheering crowds of a few years past as the ‘newfoals’ stepped out of the ponification stations, unsteady on their new hooves and blinking in the sunlight.
He had stood there as his job was taken from him along with co-workers and friends - the damned ponies caused it all, the economy was in ruins - and he had finally stood up and said no.
He had taken his family, made a solemn vow, they would never listen to this false hope and the lies of those damned pony-folk. Michael, his wife Lucie, their two kids brought up in the ways of God, named Adam and Eve - they were so blessed. In a way he felt triumphant despite their hardships, these were surely the last days of the old order, the righteous would stand anew in a world shorn of the poisonous entreaties of these false prophets.
The roar of the crowd grew in intensity as the last human came clopping out inside, looking forlorn and sad. Mike was sure he regretted losing his humanity, becoming just an animal, but it was too late for him now. They had him. Rotten fruit, bottles, sticks - any weapon the mob could get their hands on were used to either throw at or hammer on the windows. He fingered the gun in his pocket - it would never go through the glass, but if they stepped outside, he’d be able to remove at least one of them, maybe more.
“Hands not hooves! Hands not hooves!” went up the cry, louder as inside a light blue unicorn stepped up carefully to the door before lowering her horn as if to charge. With a flash of light a new banner appeared that read, before it was ripped down and set on fire, simply “Closed”
“We’ve won!” went up a cheer, and the violence and hatred towards the child-stealing four-legged monsters redoubled. The ponies in the building with their new charge didn’t even try to exit the building this time. They just teleported away.
Mike listened to the activity online via his spinal implant - all across the planet, the “humans first” crowd were squirting celebratory, congratulatory and other confirmative messages that the Conversion Bureaus, every single last one, were shutting down. The ponies were going or gone. This was a grand day! He felt like calling his wife and kids, they’d be home - Lucie had recently lost her job as a chemist too after AI constructs took over.
He frowned when he tried and got a busy signal. Busy was...not possible. No, he checked, network busy. He was still trying to urge his implant to reconnect when there was a prickling sensation across his skin and the sky lit up. He looked up in horror at the face of the beast, Celestia herself appeared to crowds of horrified, amazed human onlookers the world over.
“People of Earth, humans, friends - I wish to take this chance to speak to you one last time. Our age upon this planet draws to a close, we retreat to our own realm, our task finished. We relieve you of the burden of overpopulation, taking those humans with us who wish to join our carefree society as ponies like myself.”
“Boo! Monster! Soul Stealer!” Mike found himself shouting, spitting, yelling and throwing debris at the image in impotent rage. Unsurprisingly the image never flinched, never even acknowledged his existence.
“We came in peace. We leave in peace. Thanks to your generous gift - for nopony can be forced to join Equestria - we are now plentiful enough, joyful enough, powerful enough, to go our separate ways. We go now, we will leave your reality to it’s own special future. Whatever you make of it, free beings, have our blessing. As we go though, know this, we love you all and offer nothing but friendship. We always did, and to cement that friendship though we will never again cross paths, I offer one last opportunity to accept our gifts. As we move beyond this realm, for a few moments, each and every one of you upon the face of the planet may choose. The Conversion Bureaus stand empty, but for those who never made the journey, never fear, for we come to you.”
Then the prickling inflamed his skin, and his vision clouded. Unused to life without his implants, using what was left of his standard vision was almost painful, but the sight that greeted him was beautiful, a paradise. Waving grass, blue skies, free of the pollution and grime, free of the degradation and ruins, free of the slogans and graffiti. Pure, natural.
“No, No, I will not...I refuse!” he found himself saying, falling to his knees. He had strength. He had The Book, it had told him such would happen, temptation! Lies!
His family appeared in front of him, bewildered. Whatever this magic was that the ponies wielded, it was strong and seductive, but they would...he would...
“Oh Mike,” said Lucie, “I...I never dreamed it could be like this! It’s...beautiful! It’s heaven!”
“Oh Lucie, no! No! Not you too...fight it, fight this...this disease! Stay human! In His Image we were created, this seductive, evil, wicked, sinful vision must be resisted!”
“But Dad,” said his kids together, already the transformation overtaking them, “this is wonderful! It’s ace!”
“I can fly!” said Adam, swooping in joy, no longer the auburn-haired, brown-eyed cheeky boy he should be, but a perversion of flesh made solid. He had become a pegasus. His beautiful daughter, ruined forever by the evil brush of the sun tyrant, was now a cream-coloured unicorn. His wife...he wept, his dear wife was a unicorn too. He turned from them, hot tears in his eyes, “go! Go and take your heathen ways with you. Traitors! You traitors! You,” he spat, eyes flashing, tearing his hair and clothes as the seductive song of the pegasus form sung to him too, of carefree days in the sun, flitting about in the clouds, nature in all its glory just for him, “I can’t. It’s wrong. The book says so. We...we’re made in his image.”
“Dad...no...”
“Mike, please, ple-”
The vision started to fade, and the image of Celestia looked both joyful and sad, “dear human friends, those who joined Equestria will sing of you for the rest of their days. We go now, our realm is complete, our hearts full. We leave you one, final, gift. From our time upon your plane, the land you called Equestria now stands vacant, pristine. It is my gift to you, it is a mere shadow of its former glory but it will sustain you and your kind for aeons if treated correctly. With my blessings upon you, we depart.
Just like that, the prickling sensation, the electronic glitches, the huge image of the tyrant pony overlord disappeared. He sat down on the pavement, finding it hard to believe. He had resisted temptation. He had been found worthy.
Why then...why was his heart so heavy?
The cheers around him rose in volume, the “humans first” groups had won. There were no more ponies. He looked down at the floor, what a cost...he found himself doodling idly, still numb, his internal victory should have been triumphant, what was wrong?
He noted idly the shapes he was drawing. Cutie marks. Celestia, the sun tyrant, he had drawn hers. Then Luna’s, the seducer. Then Twilight’s, the false prophet and evening star...he stared hard at them and his heart sank.
Not the sun, but the son - come once again in a new form, bearing not a flaming sword but a flaming horn.
The seducer, the evening star - no, they were the bringers of light, not the beast and false prophet, their real words hidden behind the falseness he had assumed for them. They hadn’t left the faithful, they’d taken the faithful, those who turned the other cheek, shunned violence, who had let love into their hearts.
“They took the faithful. It’s the rapture...oh god, it’s the rapture - and we were left behind!”
“what was that? He said they took the faithful...but...aren’t we...?” the whispers started, and turned to shouts, and turned to screams, and turned to fighting, breaking of bottles, as those around him realised the ugly truth.
The air-raid sirens wailed, news from the net came in that China had invaded Equestria from the South, Russia from the North and Europe from the West - the land that the Glorious American Empire had decreed was theirs, and was even now set to liberate via the Eastern route. Nobody was sure who had fired the first shot, but the thermonuclear missiles were on their way.
Michael didn’t care.
He had been lied to, they had offered friendship, love, understanding, a simple life - carefree, without sickness, without want - sealed away in Equestria, safe from harm. Thousands, millions, the world over. Spirited away from this world, never to return.
She had come in the sky, and every eye had seen her, even those who sought to pierce her with their weapons, to take her life. She had split the firmament open and revealed her new world, laid bare for them, and those who had seen had accepted her. She had wiped away every tear, made everything as new, the old order...his world, his sick, cold, angry, doomed world, was gone. And he with it.
The old world truly had passed away.
He burst into tears as the crowd became a mob, the mob an army, and the army nothing but a roving pack of animals. The first bright flashes rocked his vision, the blastwaves yet to come. He fingered the gun, no longer in his pocket but against his head. He prayed, for the first and last time, truly, in his life - and he prayed to Celestia. If she didn’t hear him, it wouldn’t matter.
“Our goddess,” he said, sniffing, closing his eyes, “who art in Equestri-”
He pulled the trigger.
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What is this I don't even.
I have no idea what just happened to my mind.
Wait, if the last human just got converted, then what is Michael?
Also, contemplation of possible connection between 'Lucie' and 'Lucifer', and reminder that Lucifer is also known as the Morningstar.
13706
The last of those who volunteered to be ponified got converted. Michael is one of the ones who didn't.
Meh, too short
Short, sweet, and to the point. Hell, even I understood the underlying religious undertones (kinda hard not to near the end, given it's like a slap to the face).
All in all, pretty good.
15064
Yeah, I'm kinda parodying the "religious right" attitudes here. They're exactly the sort that would go full metal jacket on the ponies and join the HLF.
15325
It's funny you mention that... because I fall into the 'religious right' category. And here I am.
I don't think anyone who's truly religious would be in a mob, only the ''useful idiots'', the people who claim to be Christian but don't practice what they preach.
I think you just have your perception of "them" (the religious right) distorted a bit. We aren't violent people. We don't form angry mobs. For fear of sparking a political firestorm, I won't go any further into this.
This is not because I have anything against you or your story, but because I see a discrepancy with the portrayed attitudes and the actual personalities of serious Christians. Like I said, real Christians wouldn't form mobs or have hatred for others. This is a common misconception.
15561
Yes.
15561
You are familiar with the "no true scotsman" argument, yes?
Well, this isn't the right forum for such a debate and one easy retort for you statements would be an instant Godwin. Suffice to say, I am assuming you have ranked this story down, and not because of the quality of the story but because you feel it impunes you. If you did, you're kind of missing the point.
Let me tell you a small story: when I wrote this, I put myself in the main character's head. It freaked me out, because I methodically set him up to have a certain way of looking at the world, and then I tore every single aspect of it down. I hid it for three days and refused to post it anywhere for weeks, precisely because I feared massive backlash by christians. To date I have had two complaints, yours being the second, likely instigated because of my comment above.
Stop seeing it as an attack on christians or the religious of any calibre, because despite that aspect I threw in for familarity it's not about that. If I wanted to attack christians or the religious in general there are far better things I could do.
It is about mindset, blindness to truth, and obliviousness and inability to think outside the box. The HLF in my stories are opposed to ponification and ponies for a number of reasons, but mainly through fear, greed, jealousy and petty rivalries. They are those who are set to lose the most by the removal of their powerbase - the religious, the business leaders, the soldiers, the police, the politicians. Some of them oppose it because "it's not how it's done", others because it is expedient in their lives at that time to do so.
In short, for the sorts of reasons that loudmouths oppose gay marriage now the same way they opposed women going to work and blacks and whites marrying around a century ago.
For a story to be comprehensible, it needs to be understood - whilst that sounds like a tautology, what I mean is that I have to give the reader reference points. Sometimes that's through memes and tropes, othertimes through parody.
The easy target in this case was, I am sorry to say, the religious right. The Pat Buchanans, the Rush Limbaughs, those who make a living condemning everyone else for the devilry of the day whilst hiring underage rentboys to "lift their luggage".
If I may state without insulting you further (and I find it hard, not because I am an asshole, but because it is so late it's early and I feel like being rather direct) I am not religious. I have looked long and hard at many of the current bugbears of the religious right and, in my opinion, they are almost entirely vacuous since I do not need an invisible friend telling me how to behave.
In my opinion, as an outsider, a "true christian" would find Celestia and Luna an ideal goddess, talking of love and tolerance. If it makes you happier, in my story world, the "true christians" went pony very quickly, leaving the troublemakers to form condensed mobs of stupid such as you see in this story, because all the normal people gave up thumbs for hooves.
15907
Not once did I say that you had attacked the religious right. I simply wanted to correct a misconception; namely, that the aforementioned group would be violent towards ponies. There are certainly violent people who wrap themselves in the ideology but don't practice it; those would be the people in the mob, like Mike. These kinds of people are in every ideology.
Your assumption that I would give the story a poor rating simply because of that is exactly what I mean. I originally rated it at a 3.5; since then, I have gone back and read it two more times, and I decided to bump it up to a 4.5. Why? Because rereading it made me see more of the story, rather than the "religious are bad" them.
While I appreciate your gesture with the true christians going first, that's not what we'd do either (at least, not myself... but I'll just let it drop).
16490
15907
wow you two BLEW MY MIND \
this story is good period
nice follow up on the Conversion Bureau... I loved that story, and this one is good too
It's stories like this that make me love and loathe ponies. It's nice to see the converts so happy, but at the same time it's sad to see humanity played in the worst light possible. The converts basically run from humanities problems in exchange for utopia and all those that are left are either deluded or hate ponies. Where are the in-between humans? The people that would do anything to keep their humanity but harbor no animosity towards the ponies. And why is it it always seems like the ponies themselves are more for ponification than stopping the barrier?
Sorry Midnightshadow, been wanting to ask that for awhile. Good story and the fact it can make me feel affection and animosity towards both sides is quite an achievement. Kinda sad about the last minute chance and the MC not taking it.
347836
Oh! I missed this notification or I would have answered sooner.
In my stories - my other ones at least, this is a one-shot morality play with all the short-comings that entails - the inbetweeners took a long time to convert.
The world I tried to portray is not so simply black and white - it looks a lot like today's world, only moreso. Terrorists, heroes, leaders, wheelers, dealers, scumbags, saints and all.
Those with nothing to lose converted quickly - no family, no job, no future. I think that is, overall, pretty accurate.
Those who see becoming a pony as putting on a new suit and letting them become better able to serve a new batch of clients followed later, over many, many years. I personally use about 50 years as a gap between arrival and the destruction of Earth. For most people, they become a pony as the world itself slowly becomes more ponified. Maybe taxes are better, maybe life is better, there are many reasons (and that's where we find our stories). The inbetweeners don't need a reason not to convert so much as a reason to change. With jobs, a new life, and the threat of extinction, most people will take the plunge when they see their friends and family coming out the other side, happier, healthier and well-adjusted.
It will leave, in the end, the malcontents. Those who stand to lose out to ponies - the current world leaders, the current religions and cults, the old guard that benefit from war games and sodas. People like that exist, and as ponies become more prevalent, their share of humanity and their influence will grow until what's left is... not recognizable as the proud race we try to be.
The barrier itself is magic - you can safely assume that scientists TRIED to stop it (in many stories, they waged a brief nuclear war, to no effect) and failed... so even those with no animosity at some point will say "whelp, that's it, I like living more than I like being human" and they go for it.
Yes, it's a sad, powerful story when the nanotechnology that ruins the world is the same technology that will save it... but ponies arrive and kill mankind with kindness. For all they are wonderful and sweet, it is genocide. I can't forget that, and I can't let my readers forget that.
364347 Ok, that makes sense....though I must say the word you want is xenocide, the destruction of a species. By the way, I've been looking for the original story. Any idea where to look? EqD?
364977
Ah, you are correct!
The original can be found from either the anniversary post, or the compilation post, or you can check EqD's search box - "conversion bureau" will find it.
365067 Ok, thanks. Been looking for it since it seems to have had quite an impact on the community. Not too mention I've seen people refer to is as controversial. Always a plus with me.
Just read this again. Goddess, it's good. Pony Rapture. I love it.
15907 True Christians would never submit to Celestia and Luna and make them their godesses. Not because they would hate them, but because doing that would be disloyal to God.
663558 See, ask a thousand christians what god is, and you'll get a thousand answers. The dumbest of which is "the god defined by the bible", because ask a thousand people about that and you'll get another thousand answers.
I can guarantee, as even a novice student of human nature, that if there were to be an Equestria and a Celestia popping up out of the sea, that there would be a sizeable contingent of christians who would a) see her as god b) see her as the devil, c) abandon their faith and d) have it reaffirmed in some other manner.
A reader earlier was upset that I was portraying christians as so bigoted and small-minded, you're saying I shouldn't have said that christians would see her as god, or as a good alternative.
I can't win, I know that, because the answer is all of the above.
If this story makes you think, then good. If you hated it, I'm sorry. Allow me to give you all the money back you spent reading it... which is precisely zero from my end, since it's free literature.
If you have something to say, I'd love to read about it. Put your rant in the form of a short story and you'll have an audience.
Best wishes,
Midnight
663783 I've said all that needs to be said. I rest my case.
The irony at the end of the situation made me laugh like crazy.
687282 and it was that irony which I was aiming for, not to insult christians, and I'm glad you found it as delicious as I did
687998 Not a problem my friend, I'm a christian, but I love it when over zealous idiots get burned.
This story strikes me as deeply Christian, even to a fault. I love it.
Great story. For the longest I've been asking myself what in a conversion bureau senario, and unfortuntly this is about what I expected would happen in the event that humanity would supposidly win. Thats what I hate these conversion bureau stories is that if try to defend humanity theres really no way to win its like comyoushe muru senario in star trek.
Considering I've only found two senarios were humanity might be able to beat her completly
1. We immediatly reject Celestia's offer and start a war then and there. Of course in order to do so we would have to find a way to attack Equestria. Of course the chances of this working are probably astronomicly low.
2. Solution number 2 involves space travel and probably wouldn't work either in this senario humanity will most likely die in the void.
And in case your wondering why I've wondering why I've analyzed this. Its because I OCD tendencies and I can't help myself sorry.
I was just today thinking that I would never see a decent cross between Christian faith and pony. Bravo for proving me wrong.
You have an annoying habit of writing deep, powerful stories which make me tear up a little. I thank you for that. As short as this was, it was good. It was a little risky to involve religion in this, but I think you pulled it off perfectly. Then again, I'm agnostic, so that might be a bit biased. Good job with this: it provides strong philosophical challenges for me to try to comprehend.
pragmaticobotsunite.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/nelson_haha.jpg
Well that was delightful.
I don't think the bible meant 'in God's image' literally! At least this is more in character for Celestia than 'hypocrite, cowardly, racist, etc'. I honestly can't give this a positive or a negative. Ironically this makes me freakin' think of Chronicles of Narnia!!! Equestria, the land whose main export is love. The changeling could have ASKED and gotten all they needed, heck, all they WANTED.
I don't believe souls have ages, species, or genders.
I never understood why we couldn't just set off nukes right outside Equestria and let the radiation kill them
Very interesting ideas and well written. One of the best TCB stories I have ever read.
Single greatest thing ever written. I shall attempt a sequel.
Our goddess,who art in Equestria,hallowed be thy name.
Well, that was bloody depressing. Ugh...
Loved it.
Hmm, I thought this was the other one you'd written about people staying on Earth after the end. Guess I'll have to go looking for that one! <.<