• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

Railroad Brony


Just a brony who likes trains. LONG LIVE STEAM!!!!!

T

The Griffon Empire has invaded Equestria. Griffon technology has nullified the use of magic and has stripped the pegasi of flight. The Princesses are in hiding. Using a network of abandoned rail lines, a small resistance force wages a war to get their country back. From the coal mines of the east, to the snowy wastes of the north, these ponies fight bravely against all odds.

I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while, and I decided to give it a shot.

The idea for this story came from an old magazine called The Wizard. The story, also called Will'o the Whistle, ran from 1957-1958. The main plot line is taken from the story, but the small events are completely mine.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 30 )

Мне нравится эта история, мой товарищ. Можем ли мы пожалуйста, больше?

4137394 Сейчас я работаю на следующих нескольких главах. Я надеюсь иметь их уже в этом месяце. :pinkiehappy:
(Я надеюсь, что это переводит правильно. Первый раз с помощью Google Translate)

Alright, you asked for a blunt and honest review and here it is. Let us begin with the plot and overall story line. I must say, when I read your description I really did love the idea. A war with the griffins leading to an underground resistance that moves with the railways sounds like a fantastic story. Almost reminiscent of Metro 22 but with less Russian aliens and more ponies. The title itself fits well and works well with the story bio and adds a dramatic air to the whole thing from an outside perspective too those deciding whether or not to read.

Getting into the actual story itself it's safe to say that the quality of your writing has defiantly improved since your first story. Everything fits better than it did when you first started out but there are points where it gets clunky, specifically when you are writing descriptions. When the griffin soldiers were first introduced it felt less like we were looking through the eyes of the protagonist and more like we were listening to him describe it to somebody else at another time. A good point is when you flat out said they were holding carbines, it would feel much more natural if they came into play when the griffins did something with them. Saying they pulled the carbines of their straps and pointed them at the pony (Braeburn) would have flowed better and it would become clear what standard issue weapons the grunts carried.

While you've become better at actually describing environments there is an art form in telling it through a story. When you described the Horseshoe Tunnel it become more of a historic landmark sign you'd see on the side of a hiking trail than a story setting. There are times when tiny details laced throughout a segment of the help paint a masterpiece. Instead of giving us a history of the Tunnel it would have suited it better to be a description of the appearance with only minor reference to it's construction, letting the readers fill in the dots themselves and create the world in their mind. A better place for the long historic descriptions would be in regards to the two wars that lead to the whole story. There's a lot of empty space just begging to be filled, it's a major part of this story and it just got glossed over. It'd be fine if there's more description coming from conversations in the future but right no we're working with a lot nothing in that regard.

As for the dialogue between characters, it has it's ups and downs. There are times when it flows well and then something seems to break that flow along the way. Often times it's an awkward placement for descriptions of events going on or choppy movements. Sorting through the conversations and adding minor details to movements will help the characters to move on their own so we don't have to listen to it ourselves. Let your characters words and actions speak for themselves. Lastly we come back to a major problem for bringing in readers, one that you had with your last story as well. Chapter length. As I said before, there are readers who like one-shots or quick stories but that's not what this is. This is set up to be a long and arching story and that appeals to readers like me who come for a good long story that asks you to sit down and stay for awhile, tiny chapters do not fit those stories. These 800 word chapters are paragraphs to us and make this story seem unappealing for the audience you want. I realize that longer chapters can be hard on writers and demand dedication but that's what draws in so many readers. Short chapters show that the story is either going to be short itself, or that the author just doesn't care about the story that much.

I see a great deal of potential in your writing and hope that you will continue to improve along with your work, this may be a fairly strong review but every bit can help you grow. Good luck my friend.

4457749 Thank you. There is a reason for the clunkiness. You see, I am also writing this as a non-MLP:FIM story. That is why I am having trouble describing the characters. They originally aren't ponies, but humans. Would it lose some of the clunkiness if I just humanized it, instead of using anthro?

4458218
Humanizing them is fine, that's what the human tag was originally meant for shortly before the whole human-in-Equestria thing started (shows how long I've been here). The problem here is that you are using Equestria as a setting and recognized MLP characters, which can only make this an mlp fic. If you really want this to be a non-MLP you might get away with swinging the Equestria as a country shtick but I would suggest giving them human names while making their appearances similar to their equestrian counterparts.

4458456
Well yes, you could do that but I would defiantly leave out the rainbow skin colors. Hair color/style, speech patterns, and personalities will be more than enough for us to figure out who they are. We don't need to see blue skin and wings for us to know that athletic tomboy with rainbow hair is Dash. Or the fru-fru girl with dark stylized hair and an english accent is Rarity.

4458479 I was planning on leaving out the skin colors.

4458484
Always a good choice, nobody really likes needing a color swatch to identify characters.

4458491 Cool. I'll try that in my next story. I have several chapters ready to be published for this one, I just need to edit them. To me, it seems a little late late in the game to change that, you know?

4458503
Not necessarily, while you do have several chapters in this fic out they aren't very long. In fact there are many fics whose chapters are longer than what you've written now so overall it wouldn't be that huge change. But you should do what you feel comfortable with. Never let your readers pressure you to change your story to what they want. It's your story, tell it the way you want to.

4458518 OK. I have an idea for a one-shot, but I can't get it above the minimum. Do you think you could help if I PM you what I have so far?

4458537
While I can review stories I'm not much of an editor. Never really was good at english, but there are several groups that are dedicated to helping author edit their work. They would be able to help you much more. Here's a few links to various groups that I've seen recommended by various authors over the years I've been here.

Looking for Editors

Editors-R-Us

Proofreaders, Editors, Authors and Idealists

Editors for Struggling Fan-Fiction Writors

4458562 I don't need an editor, I just need to know if my idea warrants being pursued.

4458580
Oh well if that's all you need sure, I'll take a look at it

4458586 Cool. It should be coming through in a few minutes.

4458591
Very nice, very nice. Original poem that is well thought out, versed, and depicts a vivid world while carrying a powerful message. Further improved by the small exert between the two characters which is very well written in itself. I do believe you have quite a good fic on your hands if you continue to write it as you've started.

4458652 Thanks. I just don't know how to continue it.

4458657
Let it come to you, you've not only got an excellent starting point but you've also given yourself an ending with her description of what happened. You could simply tell his story, how the war started, how he met her and what became of it. You've gotten the two hardest parts already taken care, the rest will come with time.

4458677 OK. I was actually thinking of the disaster as the focal point. Modeling it on the Iowa explosion. (Really an "out of battery detonation")

4458677 I edited my response. Thank you for your help.

I'm a little curious as to when Cheerilee's going to show up.

6959460 I look forward to seeing how she's been doing.

6959484 You will be surprised. very surprised.

6966229 Uh-oh. She's a collaborator, isn't she?

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