ALUCARD!
The fuck-mothering vampire winced as the telepathic voice intruded into his daytime slumber. Despite the rage in the voice that made him wince, he couldn't help but grin widely. "Naughty Butt!" he said happily, speaking aloud despite the conversation being telepathic. "It's been ages."
Don't get fresh with me Alucard, the telepathic voice replied angrily. I know it was you!
"What, specifically?"
The rampage that leveled 300 acres of the Everfree?
"The old bitch got my number again somehow! I needed an enthusiastic walk!"
The corpses of 500,000 zomponies decorating the ruined landscape?
"It was like a convention! It was so much fun!"
What have I told you about-
"It's not like I went looking for them! Geeze, what happened to turn you into such a buzz kill?"
And haunting my old home to drive the new Princess and her friends crazy in fear?
"Hil-arious! But not me. That was all Pinkie!"
And you expect me to believe that they all wound up there by complete coincidence?
"Hell no! That would be ridiculous! Pinkie set them up for that."
...and you expect me to accept that this was all some sort of obscure prank on Pinkie's part?
"Would you put it past her?"
Normally not...except for the fact that I saw your shadow there overlooking your handiwork?
"You were spying on me? I thought you trusted me!"
I was there because somepony was reading my diary. There are some...embarrassing things in there, so I needed to magically alter those pages. I saw you as I was leaving.
"What could be so embarrassing that-"
Our Honeymoon.
"...you were still writing in your diary at that point?"
It was worth recording.
"You bet it was, hot stuff." Alucard grinned widely. "So, other than chewing me out for making a mess, why are you calling me?"
Well, our anniversary is coming up, so I wondered if you had any plans?
"Well, I figured we'd do a family outing. Kid's already picked out her costume, and has been begging me to go with her. Figured we could all go together and make a night of it. Paint the town red as the stud on the farm!"
...while that does sound wonderful, my being her mother is not exactly well known, and explanations-
"No worries! I'm taking care of it!"
...how?
"Well..." Alucard notices the time. "I'll have to get back to you on that. I overslept, and I'm late for Family Appreciation Day!"
You WOULDN'T!
Alucard let out a feigned gasp. "Dearest, I'm hurt! I thought you knew me better than that!"
...well...
He let out an amused snort. "Of course I would! Love you bunches, gonna scare the kiddies bye!" With that, he began phasing through the walls at a rapid pace.
Scootaloo was standing at the front of the classroom. "Well, I know I've never had either of my parents come for Family Appreciation Day, but they've always been super busy..."
"Assuming they even exist," Diamond Tiara said snidely to Silver Spoon, getting a laugh from some of the students.
Scootaloo frowned. "But my Dad's going to make it today, and he'll be here soon. He promised." She glanced around, wondering where he was.
"Bet he doesn't show," Silver sniped.
Scootaloo's frown deepened. "Now, I just want to warn you, my dad can be a bit strange, and-"
Alucard phased halfway through the wall behind Scootaloo, sticking halfway out the chalkboard. "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?"
The entire class - including Cheerilee - leaped back screaming. Scootaloo flopped onto her back, laughing hysterically. Alucard was grinning widely as he settled to the floor. Scootaloo finally spoke up. "Everypony, this is my Dad, Alucard."
Cheerilee managed to get herself under control. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alucard. I'm sorry for screaming like that-"
"Don't be!" he said happily. "It was a lovely scream. One of the best I've heard in more than a decade!"
Cheerilee blinked, going through a minor mental adjustment. "So, Mr. Alucard, won't you tell the class what you do for a living?"
"I kill things."
As several of the students paled, Cheerilee rallied gamely. "Perhaps you could be...more specific?"
"There are things out there in the world that you never hear about, that make Discord and Chrysalis look like those two squirts who think the world revolves around them," he says, pointing at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. This made most of the class snicker while the two fillies in question glowered. "I'm one of those things. I'm the reason you never hear about any of the others."
"Are you a human?" Sweetie Belle asked. As others looked at her, she shrugged. "Well, he looks like one."
"Human? Nah! I left that behind eons ago. I am a fuck-mothering vampire! I had to kill a lot of people to get that title, so I'm quite proud of it!"
Cheerilee blushed. "Mr. Alucard! You shouldn't use such language in front of fillies and colts!"
"Why not? If they know what it means, they're old enough to know when to use it. If not, they know not to repeat it. And it's not like I care either way!"
Cheerilee blinked, trying to find a counter argument to that.
"Will we get to meet your Mum, too?" Pipsqueak asked from the back of the class. "Who is she, anyway?"
"My Mistress," Alucard said happily.
Cheerilee gasped. "Alucard!"
"What? She's the one who sends me after my targets."
Cheerilee sighed. "I see. So...it's a job title type of thing?"
"That...and it's what I call her in the bedroom. Gets her all flustered when I call her that in front of the nobles."
Cheerilee went pale. Most of the students tilted their heads in confusion. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were bright red, however.
Alucard sighs happily. "Little Lulu's so adorable when she blushes."
Pipsqueak blinked, his eyes going wide. "Cor Blimey! Princess Luna's yer Mum?"
There was a collective gasp from the class. Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Heh, yeah, funny story there..."
"How did that happen?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Well, it all started shortly after the wedding," Alucard began, "when I led Luna into the bedchamber I'd prepared and Unhnhnhnhn!" Alucard got a rather strange expression on his face.
Apple Bloom blinked. "I meant how come Scootaloo's been around since before her return," she added, as a portion of the class 'Eww!'ed.
Alucard blinked. "Right. Enough focusing on the past! Instead let's focus on the past!" He assumed a dramatic pose, one hand to the brim of his hat. "A little over a thousand years ago, after ditching the heinous bitch I used to serve because she would never put out, I was going for a rather enthusiastic walk under the moonlight when I stumbled over a plot device, triggered a Deus ex Machina, and landed with my eyes on the hottest flank I'd ever seen. Without stopping to think - much like every other excellent decision I've ever made - I ran up and smacked that sweet ass and asked for a quick lay. She shot my nuts off."
Alucard stared at his captivated audience. Those that knew what he was saying looked like they were ready to faint. The rest were totally enthralled. "After I got my nuts reattached, I tried again. Kept going after her, and eventually she realized what a great guy I was and jumped into bed with me! Boy was that one hell of a night! Wanted it to last forever, but that would have pissed off her sister, so we kept going during the day instead. Of course, she still got pissy about me touching her baby sister, and tried to banish me. Didn't work. Some time later, it turned out that Luna was pregnant, so Celestia tried to arrange a suitable marriage for her to make an honest mare out of her.
"Now, I wasn't going to let anypony get their hooves on my sweet Night Angel, so I broke into the old palace, embedded Tia halfway through the wall, left the guards hanging from chandeliers by their scrotums, and stole Luna away. I then raised the nine lords of Tartarus to bind us in unholy matrimony. Tirek tried to refuse, so Luna and I each shot a nut off. The rest of the lords agreed shortly.
"Course, after that, Luna knew she needed to make the night a bit longer because our child would be born sun sensitive. Of course, Tia thought that it was an excuse to spend more time with me, and since she was still prissy about my romantic proposal, she refused. Once little Scootaloo was born, however, we discovered that she actually couldn't survive in daylight. Now, I knew of a spell that could be used to protect her from sunlight, but Luna insisted she'd handle it before I could explain. Next thing I know, she's banished to the moon for trying to make eternal night.
"Scootaloo was just a baby, and I didn't have anyone else but Luna, so I tried to send us through time until the moment she escaped the moon. Course, I landed ten years early, and the spell for Scootaloo's sunblock took the rest of my strength. After ensorcelling a Manticore to act as a wet nurse, I fell into a deep sleep to conserve energy. I was able to wake up every so often to tend to her, enroll her in school, buy her a scooter. Now my deep sleep is over, Luna's out of the Moon, and we're going to party like it's 1999!"
The entire class was dead silent, either from having fainted or being wowed by the awesome story, or at least that's what Alucard thought. Scootaloo smiled happily, nuzzling his leg. Bending over, he scooped her up into a warm hug, which spawned a chorus of "Aww!"s from the class.
Cheerilee finally managed to speak. "But...it's only the Celestial year 1003..."
"So?" Alucard grinned as the students laughed.
Meanwhile, Diamond and Silver looked like they'd just gotten a text from the Grim Reaper telling them to clear their schedules. And who could blame them? They'd just discovered that their favorite teasing target was the daughter of the Princess of the Moon and the Monstrous Hunter sent after things worse than Discord. Noticing their faces, Alucard sent a wicked grin their way.
These thoughts were running through Alucard's mind:
'Raising a foal from infancy: 2000-4000 bits
School Education: 200 bits
Industrial Strength Sunblock: 500 bits a bottle
Making your daughter's bullies piss their pants: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, I've got bullets.'
Pft, heheh, I like this story so far. It made me wanna watch the abridge series. And the regular series, glad I am. Looking forward to more.
OMG!! U GUIS!! OMFG!!
Get this! OMG!
Did ya know... OMG... did you, like, know...
That if you... get this, if you take that gui's name... the one in this story... and if you, like, take his name... and you play it backwards..
It become, I'm totally not kidding, it's DRACULA!!
(Alondro is slow on the up-tick...)
This is my favorite part right here:
Thanks for a Great chapter.
Scootavampire alicorn! YES.
Ironically, I watched the entire abridged series yesterday when I was bored. I remembered where it was after having watched Attack on Titan abridged, after seeing it on Team Four Star's channel and not from prior interest in the series.
Next day I see that TFS in Equestria updated with some chapters including Alucard and I'm like, "Damn good coincidence this is". Then in the comments I notice a link to this story as well as the basic concept and I was like, "Okay, I like the idea, but this is getting weird." After reading the first chapter I favorite it so I can keep an eye on it, and not an hour later find that there's another chapter, and after it reading I am now thinking, "There is a point where we needed to stop and we have clearly passed it, BUT LET'S KEEP GOING AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"
that's all I got to say about this.
So much wrong with Alucard. I love it!
3637373
i wont lie i see them...pardon my language for a moment....but i seem them pissing themselves. lol
3638045
Go ahead. Alucard being protective of Scoots isn't my original idea. Inspired by the story linked in the description.
Well quite a humerus chapter. But i cant wait to see how Luna acts when she is around Scootaloo. If she will be an over-protective mother. Also cant wait to see Rainbow Dashes reaction to finding out who Scootaloos parents are. lol
This chapter can be described only in the words of the great Nigel Thornberry: Smashing!
Not just Alucard, Abridged Alucard. Fun times.
Definitely looking forward to more, especially the rest of Ponyville's reactions to Mr. the Impaler. Though Pinkie obviously already knows him.
Make him be attacked by enimeis
3639101
Not a combat story.
Boo. But really I want ponyville to freak out
YES ALUCARD I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A DEAD BODY!
first I was dafuck then after that I was like
3639535
The 'red sauce'? Well, as long as you figured it out before he licked the blood off her cheek, then yes.
3637547 Right with you there, when I read that ending, I squee'd. *Hellsing Abridged-Alucard Voice* Then, I eviscerated a puppy, and life was goood...*Vampire grin*
OK, that's it. Any gun I now obtain, I'm calling MasterCard.
You know. The only problem I have with this story is that it first butchered my 10 000 word rule before proceeding to piss on the corpse and lastly to give it to Alucard as a last insult .
So other than that. A story so great that my meagre vocabulary can't begin to describe it's greatness.
3639543 Another great chapter, I knew this story was gonna be good.
3639189 Go read my TFS goes to Equestria story, he already went there.
best lines of the whole story so far
I love this story!
Ah... Good to see our favorite abridged vampire traumatizing school children... This idea was completely left field, so much so that it became a foul ball and hit the shady molester in the nuts. Freakin' amazin' is what this is.
3657884
Got it just right. Good on you!
Hope you have as much fun with chapter 2.
This is really funny and portrays Alucard well.
Hope next chapter is soon.
The family reunion will be a blast to read.
3695131
That was more than a thousand relative years ago. He moved on from the fear turkey after eating it.
Awesome follow up and now I know how Alucard and Luna met. I can totally see him messing with ponies everywhere... and sitting down for lunch with Discord. I can also totally see Scootaloo making Celestia's life a living hell with pranks and such for banishing her mother. Heaven help the menace that goes after Scootaloo, Luna will go Nightmare Moon and Alucard will join her in ripping the idiot thing apart. BTW, has Alucard seen Luna as Nightmare Moon? And has he suggested a threesome with her, Luna, and Him????
3752485
Read chapter 2.
3752545
Alucard saw Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon's no more at this point.
3752560
AWWWWWW
3752569
Besides, Alucard's too busy being his version of a good father.
3752583
He is doing an awesome job. Still want to see more of him interacting with Luna while she's actually present and not slapping him with magic over long distances.
3752796
When I get around to chapter 3, you'll have that.
Please continue this soon.
The only thing I can think is [DAFUK]
4096830
Now that I know where I'm going with it, wait till you see the next chapter.
4096840 ok then. Ps.diamond tiara:I am so dead.
"hey kids! Want to see a dead body?"
LOL'ed there, I hope to God No one heard me. That would be really bad, since it's the middle of the night.
Dear, God.
Someone heard me...I blamed it on a wonderfuly lucid dream.
Thank you quick itouch hiding reflexes.
Can't take it seriously, and not sure I like it
I can't decide if this was meant to be full-out comedy anyway. I guess if I had different tastes it would be good? Just, not my cup of tea.
5047782
Dude your avatar is freaking adorable
Too true sir, too true
Well, that was inane. I mean, it was well-written, but kinda dumb as shit. The literary equivalent of dangling your keys in front of a kid's face. And then punching the kid in the cock.
Wait, I've got a better example: You write him like this:
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130307222517/maiotaku/images/d/db/Vash-alucard.jpg
Perfectly legitimate response.
5620555
very true
Tia though that it was an excuse
1. Thought.
I died laughing.
Never change, Alucard.
You make an excellent point.
I'm sure.
Don't you mean, paint the town dead? *evil laugh* It's funny because he's a vampire.
Oh my YES.
Yes, yes, Orphan Scootaloo, everyone's done it to death, revived it via necromancy, done it to death again, and kept beating the dead horse.
You couldn't resist, could you? Then again, nor could I.
Not sure how to take that.
And while he's no saint, trust me, as nuts as he is, he's not actively malicious, he does what he does for kicks, and he does have SOME morals. Bottom line, better him than worse than Discord.
Eh, he WAS, once. But he's a vampire.
You, make an excellent point.
Of course. Figures it would take a horse to comprehend Alucard's sexual preference.
Yep. Guess that technically makes Alucard a Prince again.
This is why I love your writing of Alucard much better than any other's. You do more than just recycle jokes, you can make your own, it's almost like you can slip into the mindset of Alucard. And you can mix TFS's jokes with your own. It WORKS so well.
I love how almost self aware Alucard is. It's like he knows he's in a fic.
Yikes.
And? He's an immortal undead vampire who explicitly said he's from another world. Your argument has never been more invalid.
This is amazing.