• Published 16th Dec 2013
  • 13,447 Views, 728 Comments

Daughter of Darkness - Tatsurou



Scootaloo introduces her parents to Ponyville. Hilarity ensues.

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A Passing F.A.D.

ALUCARD!

The fuck-mothering vampire winced as the telepathic voice intruded into his daytime slumber. Despite the rage in the voice that made him wince, he couldn't help but grin widely. "Naughty Butt!" he said happily, speaking aloud despite the conversation being telepathic. "It's been ages."

Don't get fresh with me Alucard, the telepathic voice replied angrily. I know it was you!

"What, specifically?"

The rampage that leveled 300 acres of the Everfree?

"The old bitch got my number again somehow! I needed an enthusiastic walk!"

The corpses of 500,000 zomponies decorating the ruined landscape?

"It was like a convention! It was so much fun!"

What have I told you about-

"It's not like I went looking for them! Geeze, what happened to turn you into such a buzz kill?"

And haunting my old home to drive the new Princess and her friends crazy in fear?

"Hil-arious! But not me. That was all Pinkie!"

And you expect me to believe that they all wound up there by complete coincidence?

"Hell no! That would be ridiculous! Pinkie set them up for that."

...and you expect me to accept that this was all some sort of obscure prank on Pinkie's part?

"Would you put it past her?"

Normally not...except for the fact that I saw your shadow there overlooking your handiwork?

"You were spying on me? I thought you trusted me!"

I was there because somepony was reading my diary. There are some...embarrassing things in there, so I needed to magically alter those pages. I saw you as I was leaving.

"What could be so embarrassing that-"

Our Honeymoon.

"...you were still writing in your diary at that point?"

It was worth recording.

"You bet it was, hot stuff." Alucard grinned widely. "So, other than chewing me out for making a mess, why are you calling me?"

Well, our anniversary is coming up, so I wondered if you had any plans?

"Well, I figured we'd do a family outing. Kid's already picked out her costume, and has been begging me to go with her. Figured we could all go together and make a night of it. Paint the town red as the stud on the farm!"

...while that does sound wonderful, my being her mother is not exactly well known, and explanations-

"No worries! I'm taking care of it!"

...how?

"Well..." Alucard notices the time. "I'll have to get back to you on that. I overslept, and I'm late for Family Appreciation Day!"

You WOULDN'T!

Alucard let out a feigned gasp. "Dearest, I'm hurt! I thought you knew me better than that!"

...well...

He let out an amused snort. "Of course I would! Love you bunches, gonna scare the kiddies bye!" With that, he began phasing through the walls at a rapid pace.

Scootaloo was standing at the front of the classroom. "Well, I know I've never had either of my parents come for Family Appreciation Day, but they've always been super busy..."

"Assuming they even exist," Diamond Tiara said snidely to Silver Spoon, getting a laugh from some of the students.

Scootaloo frowned. "But my Dad's going to make it today, and he'll be here soon. He promised." She glanced around, wondering where he was.

"Bet he doesn't show," Silver sniped.

Scootaloo's frown deepened. "Now, I just want to warn you, my dad can be a bit strange, and-"

Alucard phased halfway through the wall behind Scootaloo, sticking halfway out the chalkboard. "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?"

The entire class - including Cheerilee - leaped back screaming. Scootaloo flopped onto her back, laughing hysterically. Alucard was grinning widely as he settled to the floor. Scootaloo finally spoke up. "Everypony, this is my Dad, Alucard."

Cheerilee managed to get herself under control. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alucard. I'm sorry for screaming like that-"

"Don't be!" he said happily. "It was a lovely scream. One of the best I've heard in more than a decade!"

Cheerilee blinked, going through a minor mental adjustment. "So, Mr. Alucard, won't you tell the class what you do for a living?"

"I kill things."

As several of the students paled, Cheerilee rallied gamely. "Perhaps you could be...more specific?"

"There are things out there in the world that you never hear about, that make Discord and Chrysalis look like those two squirts who think the world revolves around them," he says, pointing at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. This made most of the class snicker while the two fillies in question glowered. "I'm one of those things. I'm the reason you never hear about any of the others."

"Are you a human?" Sweetie Belle asked. As others looked at her, she shrugged. "Well, he looks like one."

"Human? Nah! I left that behind eons ago. I am a fuck-mothering vampire! I had to kill a lot of people to get that title, so I'm quite proud of it!"

Cheerilee blushed. "Mr. Alucard! You shouldn't use such language in front of fillies and colts!"

"Why not? If they know what it means, they're old enough to know when to use it. If not, they know not to repeat it. And it's not like I care either way!"

Cheerilee blinked, trying to find a counter argument to that.

"Will we get to meet your Mum, too?" Pipsqueak asked from the back of the class. "Who is she, anyway?"

"My Mistress," Alucard said happily.

Cheerilee gasped. "Alucard!"

"What? She's the one who sends me after my targets."

Cheerilee sighed. "I see. So...it's a job title type of thing?"

"That...and it's what I call her in the bedroom. Gets her all flustered when I call her that in front of the nobles."

Cheerilee went pale. Most of the students tilted their heads in confusion. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were bright red, however.

Alucard sighs happily. "Little Lulu's so adorable when she blushes."

Pipsqueak blinked, his eyes going wide. "Cor Blimey! Princess Luna's yer Mum?"

There was a collective gasp from the class. Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Heh, yeah, funny story there..."

"How did that happen?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, it all started shortly after the wedding," Alucard began, "when I led Luna into the bedchamber I'd prepared and Unhnhnhnhn!" Alucard got a rather strange expression on his face.

Apple Bloom blinked. "I meant how come Scootaloo's been around since before her return," she added, as a portion of the class 'Eww!'ed.

Alucard blinked. "Right. Enough focusing on the past! Instead let's focus on the past!" He assumed a dramatic pose, one hand to the brim of his hat. "A little over a thousand years ago, after ditching the heinous bitch I used to serve because she would never put out, I was going for a rather enthusiastic walk under the moonlight when I stumbled over a plot device, triggered a Deus ex Machina, and landed with my eyes on the hottest flank I'd ever seen. Without stopping to think - much like every other excellent decision I've ever made - I ran up and smacked that sweet ass and asked for a quick lay. She shot my nuts off."

Alucard stared at his captivated audience. Those that knew what he was saying looked like they were ready to faint. The rest were totally enthralled. "After I got my nuts reattached, I tried again. Kept going after her, and eventually she realized what a great guy I was and jumped into bed with me! Boy was that one hell of a night! Wanted it to last forever, but that would have pissed off her sister, so we kept going during the day instead. Of course, she still got pissy about me touching her baby sister, and tried to banish me. Didn't work. Some time later, it turned out that Luna was pregnant, so Celestia tried to arrange a suitable marriage for her to make an honest mare out of her.

"Now, I wasn't going to let anypony get their hooves on my sweet Night Angel, so I broke into the old palace, embedded Tia halfway through the wall, left the guards hanging from chandeliers by their scrotums, and stole Luna away. I then raised the nine lords of Tartarus to bind us in unholy matrimony. Tirek tried to refuse, so Luna and I each shot a nut off. The rest of the lords agreed shortly.

"Course, after that, Luna knew she needed to make the night a bit longer because our child would be born sun sensitive. Of course, Tia thought that it was an excuse to spend more time with me, and since she was still prissy about my romantic proposal, she refused. Once little Scootaloo was born, however, we discovered that she actually couldn't survive in daylight. Now, I knew of a spell that could be used to protect her from sunlight, but Luna insisted she'd handle it before I could explain. Next thing I know, she's banished to the moon for trying to make eternal night.

"Scootaloo was just a baby, and I didn't have anyone else but Luna, so I tried to send us through time until the moment she escaped the moon. Course, I landed ten years early, and the spell for Scootaloo's sunblock took the rest of my strength. After ensorcelling a Manticore to act as a wet nurse, I fell into a deep sleep to conserve energy. I was able to wake up every so often to tend to her, enroll her in school, buy her a scooter. Now my deep sleep is over, Luna's out of the Moon, and we're going to party like it's 1999!"

The entire class was dead silent, either from having fainted or being wowed by the awesome story, or at least that's what Alucard thought. Scootaloo smiled happily, nuzzling his leg. Bending over, he scooped her up into a warm hug, which spawned a chorus of "Aww!"s from the class.

Cheerilee finally managed to speak. "But...it's only the Celestial year 1003..."

"So?" Alucard grinned as the students laughed.

Meanwhile, Diamond and Silver looked like they'd just gotten a text from the Grim Reaper telling them to clear their schedules. And who could blame them? They'd just discovered that their favorite teasing target was the daughter of the Princess of the Moon and the Monstrous Hunter sent after things worse than Discord. Noticing their faces, Alucard sent a wicked grin their way.

These thoughts were running through Alucard's mind:

'Raising a foal from infancy: 2000-4000 bits
School Education: 200 bits
Industrial Strength Sunblock: 500 bits a bottle
Making your daughter's bullies piss their pants: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, I've got bullets.'