Politics and Socialites
The rest of the day at the palace was more headaches than Scootaloo was willing to put up with. None of the nobles were willing to accept the idea that a former peasent was suddenly - and legitimately by their own rules - so far above their petty struggles of rank and social standing as to make them insignificant. On the other hoof, none of them were willing to risk invalidating their own laws of rank inheritance in order to topple her. As such, most of the remainder of the morning was spent listening to various nobles stating various sophistry come up with on the fly to invalidate Scootaloo's status as a royal heir, each more ridiculous than the last. The new Princess did her best to ignore most of them and just sit with her friends on the Royal Dias as they tried to catch up on their sleep. However, some caught their attention, mostly because Alucard decided to counter them his way.
"She cannot be a Royal Princess!" one of the nobles cried. "Only an alicorn can be a royal princess!" He then proceeded to cite Twilight's 'ascension' - which the same group of nobles objected to on principal anyway - as precedent.
Alucard promptly stuck an ice cream cone to Scootaloo's forehead. "There, now she's got a horn!" he said as it slipped down her forehead, where she promptly began to eat. "Happy?" Though the noble looked ready to bluster, Alucard's piercing eyes and disconcerting grin silenced him.
"She can't be Royalty!" a noble mare complained. "She knows nothing of protocol or diplomacy! What if she offends an ambassador or a dignitary? Think of the scandal!"
"Who cares if we offend lunch?" Alucard spoke up, grinning widely.
"She can hardly be a legitimate heir," a rather foolish noble called, "when she was sired by a common brute of a thug like that!"
The air in the throne room suddenly went chill as Alucard stood up. He raised his hands with his guns gripped tight and cocked. "I think you should reconsider how you address the No-Life King," he growled as dark miasma floated up out of the floor, along with the howls of tortured, damned souls.
"Let's get out of here," Scootaloo whispered to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. "Daddy's got his war face on."
As they fled the throne room, Alucard began his tirade. "I killed a lot of people to earn that title, and you will respect it, you gutless, puling, overfed, pompous, weak willed, nerfherders!"
Scootaloo and her friends fled as nobles began flying about the court room and screaming in fear, some without the aid of their own wings.
"Won't you get your husband under control?" Celestia begged of her sister.
"Why?" Luna asked. "Tell me this isn't the most fun you've had in the Royal Court since I came back."
Celestia lowered her head as she smirked. She couldn't deny it.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders, in the meantime, had fled into the rest of the palace. "Where's the kitchens?" Apple Bloom asked. "I mean, I'm used to waking up before dawn for chores, but we didn't have time for breakfast before leaving. I'm starving!"
"Me too!" Sweetie Belle confirmed. "Rarity spent so much time picking an outfit for being in Court that we didn't eat anything."
"I was too nervous in flight to eat what Mom and Dad packed me," Scootaloo admitted.
"And here I thought you were too distracted by Rainbow's tricks," Apple Bloom teased.
Scootaloo blushed. "That, too." She blinked. "Sweetie, why are you poking my cheeks?"
"You can still blush?" Sweetie Belle asked, intrigued. "I thought you were a vampony?"
"According to Dad, I'm technically a damphir," Scootaloo explained. "Half vampire, half...well, in my case, half other immortal. I also have a reflection." She grinned at herself as they passed a mirror. "And with this pendant from Aunt Celestia," she continued, touching the Sun's Blessing around her neck, "I don't have to worry about sunlight anymore. And that was the only vampire weakness I had."
"So do you drink blood?" Apple Bloom asked as they continued down the corridor.
"Not fresh," Scootaloo explained. "Dad's been feeding me some over my pasta, thickened to work as a sauce. Mom's probably going to put a stop to that, though." She sighed. "I was looking forward to the dark magic powers I was going to develop."
Sweetie Belle gulped. "D-dark magic?" she asked, frightened.
"Whoa, whoa!" Scootaloo hastened to reassure her. "There's dark magic and dark magic. One is dark because it feeds on negative emotions and corrupts the wielder, and the other is dark because it derives from the energies of unlife, the world beyond the grave, and the powers of the night. I've got the second kind.
"Oh," Sweetie said with relief. "After what happened with Trixie and the Alicorn Amulet..."
"Yeah," Scootaloo replied, walking backwards, "I can see why that would be a concern."
As she wasn't looking where she was going, she didn't see a certain pompous noble - one who refused to awaken before sunrise, no matter what and had thus missed the announcement at the early Day Court - coming around the corner with his white nose in the air. As a result, she walked right into him and they both tumbled to the ground.
"Ow! How dare you trip me, peasant!" Blueblood snarled, pushing himself to his hooves and striking Scootaloo on the cheek on the backswing.
"OW!" she cried in pain, clutching her bruised cheek. "That hurt you son of a bitch!" she cried, using one of her father's more common oaths in her frustration.
Blueblood gasped. "How dare you besmirch my name!" he proclaimed, insulted. "Guards! Arrest these ruffians and drag them before my aunt!"
The guards who caught up at that point, however, had been well briefed regarding Celestia's plans for this morning, partially in anticipation of just such a situation. One of them had even been present the night prior when Celestia had forged the pendant Scootaloo now wore. As such, the four guards bowed. "What can we do for you, Your Royal Highness?" one asked.
"I just told you-wait, Royal?" Blueblood asked in confusion.
Scootaloo rubbed her cheek. "He hit me," she whimpered, the pain in her cheek still fresh, although the cut left by Blueblood's silver hoofshoe was already starting to seal itself up and the bruise was fading.
Much to Blueblood's shock, the guards promptly kicked his knees out from under him and had him pinned to the ground. "You are under arrest for striking the heir to the Lunar Throne!" one barked at Blueblood, looking a mite too pleased to finally be able to take the spoiled Prince to the ground. "As per the Old Laws, you shall be flogged for your impertinence!"
"F-flogged?" Blueblood gasped in fear. "Y-you wouldn't dare!"
"You're lucky you're a noble!" another guard growled. "According to those same laws, if you weren't the punishment would be the removal of the limb that had struck the Crown Princess." The law in question dated back to the pre-unification era, and the laws from that era were quite brutal.
"A flogging will teach you respect for the heir to the Lunar Throne!" the last guard barked out.
Blueblood whimpered, quickly realizing what was about to happen. He had long thought himself invincible because he was a Prince...but the truth was that he was just the highest ranked noble of Canterlot. Even the lowest rank Royal was still so far above him they might as well walk on him on their way to breakfast.
"Wait!" Sweetie Belle called out. She walked up and whispered in Scootaloo's ear for a time.
Scootaloo listened for a time, then giggled loudly. She then walked up to the leader of the squad of guards and whispered in his ear. Only his training kept him from splitting into loud guffaws. As it was, his lips still quivered as Scootaloo reached the end. "And get it recorded!" she finished. "I want to watch it later."
"It shall be done!" the guard asserted. "Is there anything else we can do for you and your friends, Your Royal Highness?"
"Where's the kitchens?" Apple Bloom asked. "We're starving!"
The youngest of the guards - the one who had taken such pleasure in kicking Blueblood's legs out from under him - chuckled and saluted. "I'll take them, sir!"
The lead guard nodded. "Right! Come along, cur!" he barked, dragging Blueblood off in the formation.
The three Crusaders grinned as they were led off into the kitchen.
The chaos in the throne room as Alucard vented his spleen non-lethally on the gathered nobles was interrupted as Blueblood walked in. He was pushed in by a squad of Royal Guardsponies, the ones normally tasked with his protection. Everyone knew something was up, mostly because the Prince was wearing a tutu.
Gulping, Blueblood walked up to the Royal Dias where the Diarchs, Alucard, and the Harmony Bearers were gathered. Swallowing convulsively, he began to sing and dance.
Alucard burst out laughing, falling onto his back as the other nobles were released from the terror of his magic. "He's like a chubby little pixie!" he gasped out, before falling into laughter again.
Celestia glanced towards the head of the guard squad. "What is the meaning of this?" she asked mildly.
"He was placed under arrest for striking the Crown Princess," the guard explained. "We would have had him flogged, but she chose this as a merciful alternative."
Celestia and Luna were torn internally between anger at Blueblood striking Scootaloo and amusement at the choice of punishment. Alucard, knowing that Blueblood couldn't have really hurt Scootaloo now that she was fully in tune with her power, felt free to continue laughing and schedule a private vengeance for later.
Several hours later, Scootaloo and her friends were back in Ponyville. Given the excitement of the morning, she wasn't allowed to skip school like she'd been hoping. However, school hadn't been too bad as no one had made a fuss over her new status yet, and now it was lunch time. Holding her lunch in her still somewhat weak dark magic grip - a rather noticeable blood-red-almost-black aura that matched her mane - she went looking for Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
"Hey, Scootaboo," a voice called out to her.
Turning, her eyes fell on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, both wearing their most winsome expressions. "It's Scootaloo," she growled.
"Right, sorry," Diamond Tiara said, leaving Scootaloo somewhat stupefied. "Anyway, we were wondering if you wanted to sit with us?"
"We could talk about all sorts of things," Silver Spoon added, "maybe go for milkshakes later?"
Scootaloo frowned as she figured out what this was about. "What kind of pony do you take me for?" she asked coldly.
Both fillies blinked. "What do you mean?" Diamond asked.
"Seriously, every day before this you can't wait to tease me about being a Blank Flank and not being able to fly yet," Scootaloo pointed out coolly. "Then the day my status as Luna's heir is made official, you ask me to hang out. I'd have to be an idiot to not see the connection there, and know the only reason you're making this offer is because now I have social and political clout. And if I do see that, the only reason I could possibly want to hang out with you two would be to mooch off of you. So what kind of pony do you think I am? An idiot, or a mooch?"
The two spoiled brats winced at her mini-tirade. Finally, Silver spoke up. "Umm...yes?"
Scootaloo smirked, turned away, and headed over to where her friends were waving to her. She doubted they would attempt any sort of social vengeance for her snubbing them.
And even if they did, they have to sleep sometime.
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I love this story it makes me laugh so hard.
Honestly.. I was expecting Luna to buck Blueblood off the mountain for striking her daughter on instinct. But now I bet she's going to give him nightmares for years to come! And as for DT and SS...
BIG TIME!!!!
"A 'damp hir'?" asked Applebloom, looking perplexed. "Does that mean yer a moist hermaphrodite?"
Scootaloo stammered, "That's... no! That's not what it is!"
In the other room, Alucard suddenly broke out into uncontrollable laughter.
Love this story!
I don't know how to feel about this.
Two things. One: FUCKIN A, MAN! NEW CHAPTER!
And two:
I believe that the phrase you were looking for here was "You are under arrest for striking the heir to the Lunar Throne!"
As I read the chapter I went past the song. At the time I thought that making him sing “On the Good Ship Lollypop” would have been a good choice.
I freely admit my abysmal ignorance.
Please on no account should any one kill Blueblood, after that cupcake song it would be merciful and he, in this case, does not deserve it.
5047782
It is not meant to be taken seriously. It is all out comedy, with elements of family and dark comedy thrown in for good measure.
5047909
What, specifically?
I like the concept, like the character, like the delivery.
But I have found that every time I read a story with Alucard in it I can never get more than a few chapters in.
This is not saying that your story is bad, just that you got Alucard a little TOO well.
5048002
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
I have just finished rereading the story while listing to Scheherazade and drinking a coke glass with a 50/50 mix of rum and pineapple juice. I love this story, on top of everything DT and SS get it right in the muzzle. Good show old man good show.
Please excuse errors I'm three sheets to the wind and the other a flapping.
Can I just say I love this, Love Alucard in this series, and generally love how you've set these things up...including the bit with Blueblood? Also, :Implied maniacal laughter here: No one fucks with the No-Life King!!! ...and gets away with it anyway...unless we're talking Luna, and that's more of the other kind, as I'm sure everyone can agree. Great work and still hungry for more!
Straight face>>>demonic jeff the killer grin(as word move on)
Día a la noche los muertos resucitarán y en la frente de los condenados de la marca de la locura reinará a los albores del imperio final. Hago un llamamiento a las antiguas leyes para que el castigo apropiado de los condenados
(Day to night the dead will rise and upon the brow of the damned the mark of insanity shall reign to the dawn of the end empire. I call on the old laws to bring the fitting punishment of the damned)
De el tress as bien tambien.
Is this Alucard from Hellsing!?
5048388
From TFS Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, actually.
5048438 Oh.
Oh, i love this story...
Can't wait for Episode 5~
Moar or a second story because this is awesome.
5088977 thanks.
Baby hippos=Adorable.
5118302
Yup. That's the premise of the entire story.
That, and who his wife/the mom is.
i will never sop laughing at Alucard, he's funny in any situation. you could put the guy next to a sack of cancer riddled puppies and he'd lighten the mood, in his on (unique) way
You glorious person you... I haven't laughed this hard in a dog's age. More please?
Eat lead bitches
The next day all noble houses in Cantorlot were killed by multiply bullets and teeth and covered in cake and gunpowder.
Fucking yes
http://youtu.be/dnAYgNnA5A0
5047614 You assume that Apple Bloom knows what a hermaphrodite IS.
Normally, I shun these kind of stories. They directly quote other peoples work, and only use those quotes as the meat of the story. The rest is just wasted filler.
You sir, do not do that.
It is true you do take some direct quotes, but you actually add a story to it. Not the best story, and it is a little cliched. There are a times I cannot help but roll my eyes. But it seems to me that the story revels in it's silliness, which makes it a fun read. It never quite gets to being pretentious.
Most importantly to me, you actively try to weave your own jokes into the story. Not all of them are bust-a-gut-hilarious, and a few are quite crude. But the fact that they are there makes this fic twice as good, it feels like actual effort was made. A few are absolute gems, not only making a funny joke in and of itself, but weaving the characters of Alucard and Luna into them in a believable way.
Not a ten-ouda-ten, but it has a good re-read value for me.
Try to incorporate this?
5299889 All the ponies in this story are at least somewhat perverted.
I hope this continues
5360752
It will once certain details appear in the Abridged series...so either next Halloween, the one after that...or possibly the one after that...
5361039 YOU JERK!!!
The lunch itself?
Uh oh. You done f*cked up now.
Neat.
Relax, I think she means dark magic as in the magic of the night and stuff, besides, I want to think that dark magic isn't inherently evil, it's just easy to get corrupted by it.
Oh. That works.
Agreed.
Oh shit. You hurt Scoots. You're doomed.
Dark.
Kids these days, diabolical. And it is awesome.
*dies of laughter*
Well, while a lot of the stuff you learn in school is useless, you can learn interesting things.
Seriously?
You obviously know the answer.
Half and half most likely.
Indeed.
MY SIDES!!! oh god!
There is a version of the cuppy cake song with Scootaloo in it on YouTube
7201745
I demand a link.
7201864 here is the scootaloo cuppycake song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQoFEj7hOPU
Okay, two points for this chapter. Specifically for the moment after Blueblood struck Scootaloo and for the subtle yet firm and not over-the-top way of handling Diamond Troll and Silver Spite.
Niiiiiice.
Radar has picked a helicopter going soi soi soi.
7559013
Yep. This story may be silly and insane, but in a controlled enough way where you can still connect to characters.
While I find Blueblood’s role in the story fitting I was kinda hoping when the one noble protested she couldn’t be a princess because she wasn’t an alicorn that he would start wailing on the guy while yelling about taking his title from his cold dead hooves.
5047614
It amuses me that adding "Alucard suddenly broke out into uncontrollable laughter" to your usual shitposts turns them relevant to this story because he has the same sense of humor you do.
Alucard is dracula spelled backwards
That should teach blueblood a lesson he'll never forget