After finding an old spellbook, Twilight Sparkle unintentionally releases an entity dreaming within.
Cover art done by me, edited by PhantomHapo of DeviantArt
Chapters (9)
- Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 9th, 2018
Random Gamer
I'm a gamer that loves to play and understand how games work. I (still) refuse to get an editor, even after four years on the site, so you could say I'm a bit stubborn. And sometimes funny.
Random Gamer
Joined 22nd Nov, 2012 ·
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One review as requested.
Grammar score: 6.5 out of 10
Smaller errors:11
Larger mistakes:0
You had some misused words, missing commas, and improperly capitalized words.
Altogether, mostly readable.
Plot:
I like it.
Pacing:
Here's where we get into the main problem of the story. The pacing. This story is rushed. You need to basically, take your story and add about a thousand words of details and dialogue to it. As well as a chapter before the first chapter that shows her finding the book. Maybe even a chapter that shows the failed spell with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash (I want to see that). As it is, it feels like I'm starting a chapter in to the story with only a few sentences to go on. Also, Twilight's decision making process is really... bad (for a lack of a better word). She is a logical pony, but how you wrote her deciding is very non-logical.
Overall: 6 out of 10
You have improved with the details. I approve. This story is much better than the last one (in my opinion anyway).
Note: Don't say "I drew the cover art myself" in the short story description. It sounds silly. And in the long description, put it in quotes and call it an Author's Note like so:
It looks better.
3573400 Thanks for the review. Like always, let me point out a few things.
1. The prequel chapter is actually a separate story called Tria Carmina Inverta which Living Flame (originally called Inferno) was based on. The reason I didn't include it? Gender-swap, panic and singing. Certainly not something worth reading (or at least in my opinion.)
2. The rushed feel... Hmm. Well, i'll be honest by saying that this is just a heavily trimmed version of an unsuccesful story. I'll improve it
As for the previous story you reviewed, I managed to make it quite better.
3573417
Gender swap? Panic?
Singing?Why wouldn't you add that? If done right it could add just what is needed. And show Twilight finding the book in a secret part of the library or something. That would really fill out the beginning and lead us up into the first chapter.3573436 Very well. It shall be done. I'll start right away
Also expect Hell
3662173 Wanted it to have an open ending so that I could have the option of writing a sequel.
Hello, Random Gamer! I’m here on behalf of WRITE, as per a request to review this story. Let’s get to it, shall we?
To begin, there is very little in the way of exposition. The story begins almost immediately with Twilight having found a spellbook conveniently hidden in the trunk of the library, after an unexplained mishap involving Spike. It leaves everything to the imagination and gives the reader nothing to draw upon, or for that matter, a reason to keep reading. In fact, the entire narrative has little to offer the reader.
The above is an example of what is called “Talking Head Syndrome,” wherein speakers of dialogue are either poorly attributed or otherwise given no actions outside the words they speak. The problem with this is that the reader can’t infer any information about what is happening or how a certain character feels about a situation. All we know is what they say, and oftentimes in this fic that is only expounded by the odd dialogue choices the characters make.
How exactly does Spike like Twilight here? This comes from the beginning of the story and has little to go off of other than the normal brother/sister relationship they have in the show.
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the story that hinder readability. From missing capitalization to punctuation, simple slip-ups mess with what should be easy to read. I’ll say it improves as the chapters progress, but there’s no reason it can’t be better than it is. This website can help you immensely, as well as getting an editor for your work.
But with those things out of the way, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, the story itself. The premise is a tired one: Twilight causes problems with her magic. The idea of elementals and the like is a fresh twist—one I could see myself reading and thoroughly enjoying—but the presentation of the narrative is the biggest downfall of this story. It is mostly a reflection of the above-mentioned lack of description. There really isn’t any whatsoever. And what little there is simply tells the reader what is happening:
The entire story is filled with this. The story needs to give information through actions, not telling the reader how a character feels or what happens; show what happens through descriptions and let the reader decide if its scary, funny, amazing, happy, sad, or any other adjective you can think of.
In addition, the lack of narrative causes problems with pacing, as the entire story happens far too quickly (see your introduction paragraph). You need more information about what is going on throughout. Give some detail to how Twilight might have crept up to Spike while he was asleep after her dream, for example. The actions, especially in the final chapters, need more to immerse the reader in your story.
And finally, what exactly does the ending of chapter one have to do with anything? Referencing the “Move Like Jagger” song does nothing for the story, and, in fact, hurts any chance for accumulating a reader base. A story should never break immersion by drawing the reader’s attention to something outside the story. That is why memes are often frowned upon when referenced in stories.
As it stands, this story needs a lot of work. The biggest factor to focus on, if nothing else, would be adding descriptions to what is happening in the story. From there, everything else is simply practice. I hope this review was helpful and that you seek to improve your works both now and in the future.
P.S. As the advice above is very all-encompassing and changes to their affect will be rather large, I'd be happy to look at this again outside of WRITE after a thorough rewrite if you choose to do one.
Corejo, WRITE's Arms Warrior