• Published 13th Oct 2011
  • 20,912 Views, 325 Comments

I couldn't wake you, because you can never wake up again... - AmberWings

Scootaloo is forced to face the fact she has passed away.

  • ...

This...is my heaven

The world felt like it had exploded around her. Suddenly, needles of ice punctured her lungs. The metallic taste of blood tinged her lips and for some reason she was burning alive. In the distance she could hear sirens wailing and terse, anxious voices barking out orders and choppy directions. None of them made any sense and she was being eaten from the inside out with fear. Scootaloo struggled to even remember what had happened that had led to this, but her thoughts were sluggish and she couldn’t seem to collect them.

Only once the world came to a shuddering halt did she realize that she was in an ambulance. Before she could invest in the thought, she felt herself slip from consciousness and she was plunged into complete darkness. It didn’t last long - or it didn’t seem to. What felt like seconds later she opened her eyes and tried to sit up with a start. Her entire body was convulsing and trembling, but she could feel her heartbeat raging away within her frail chest.

A strong set of hooves pushed her gently back down, and as she tossed her head wildly to see who was confining her, the will to fight disappeared. “R-rainbow…d-d-dash…” she managed, her teeth clattering so hard she quickly gave up on attempting more than that. The mare looked down at her with tears in her eyes, but was smiling despite being just as scared as the filly. “Calm down kiddo, take it easy for me…that’s right, that’s my girl…”

A nurse entered the room, followed by other familiar faces. “Scootaloo!” “Oh Scoot! Are you ok?!” Both of them were pulled away by their older sisters as the rest of the visitors filed in slowly. “Applebloom, she’s gotta rest now. Yer friend had a pretty close call…” For once, Rarity agreed, pulling Sweetie Belle close to her. “I should say so. Why did you girls never tell us she had been living in that tiny little clubhouse?” Both of the filly’s lowered their heads, guilt surging within their voices. “We never knew…” “Ah…ah never asked…”

As the nurse administered the vital warmth the young Pegasus needed, the trembling began to subside. Slowly she found her voice and used it now to say the hardest thing she had ever brought herself to. “It wasn’t their fault. I-it’s mine…I was ashamed. I was scared of being taken back to the orphanage if anypony knew…so I…I lied to everypony. I was scared of saying goodbye…”

The room went quiet as it sunk in. She could see on each of their faces that they could not bring themselves to simply accept that answer. “I should have known.” “I should have done something.” Although unspoken, Scootaloo could see it in their faces. Only one of them spoke aloud, but it was not what she had expected to hear. “I’m leaving. This is something I shoulda done a long time ago.”

Her eyes widened as she turned to face the voice of her mentor. “R-rainbow Dash, no, please!” The sudden distress caused her breathing to hitch, and she was taken by a fit of coughing. Without being able to say another word, she could only watch as the pony she looked up to the most got up and left the room.

The action had taken even her friends aback, and Fluttershy rushed after her to see what was the meaning of the outburst. The others merely talked amongst themselves, frightened of further upsetting the delicate health of the filly. They took it gradually outside, leaving Scootaloo alone with the nurse. Even her closest friends had been dragged away to leave her. This had to be a nightmare.

Nurse Redheart frowned, her eyes filled with a quiet sympathy. She tried to lift her patient’s spirits as she continued to work on gradually reintroducing warmth back into her tiny body. “I’m sure there’s just a misunderstanding, dear. Your friends are just outside discussing important things right now - but I’m sure they’ll be back to visit once you’re stable.” The word caused Scootaloo to break from her sad reverie and realize that her body still felt as though it was overly warm. “W-what happened?” Nurse Redheart stopped and considered whether it was a wise idea telling the filly of how close a call she had had. Delicately, she tried to make it so she would understand.

“Sweetheart, they couldn’t wake you up. After your friends went home, I think one of them got worried and said something to their sister about not having seen you outside of that little clubhouse for some time. It was enough to call a search party, and about an hour ago - Rainbow Dash found you curled up on the floor. She couldn’t wake you, so she flew for help. If she hadn’t found you - you wouldn’t be here right now.” She then moved close and tucked in the thick blanket close around the tiny Pegasus’s wings. “They call it hypothermia. The temperature dropped so suddenly, and you were only wrapped in a thin blanket. You got too cold too quickly and it’s very dangerous. I can honestly say that I’m grateful that you’re alive and awake to be here right now.”

Scootaloo said nothing, but rolled over. It was so much to take in. It was so much to handle and she was so exhausted. The nurse didn’t disturb her anymore with the rest of the details, but the mare did lean down to gently kiss the top of her head. “Get some sleep…goodnight, Scootaloo.” The nurse walked to the door and gave one look back before turning off the lights and shutting it quietly, leaving the little filly to fall into fitful slumber.

Morning brought with it a new world. Scootaloo slowly opened her eyes and took a deep breath, grateful her lungs had stopped burning. The room came into focus gradually and she found herself staring at something foreign. Rainbow Dash had come in sometime during the night and fallen asleep. The mare was curled up on a small sofa in the corner of the room, surrounded by flowers and gifts her friends had asked her to bring. The morning light caused her to stir, and a soft groan drifted from her as she opened her wings and stretched. It was then she noticed Scootaloo watching, and she moved to the bedside. “Good morning.”

Scootaloo lowered her gaze and braced herself for the lecture she was sure was coming. Rainbow Dash had been woken up in the middle of the night to go look for her in the cold. She had had to deal with her stupidity at not knowing better, for not being more careful. She could hear her fears as loudly as if they had already been spoken, and dreaded the stark reality she had woken up to. The world was about to change.

The words never came though. Rainbow didn’t launch into a long winded lecture, or start yelling at the filly. She did not scream at her at how stupid and useless she had been, nor how the unloved should be shut away. Instead, a gentle hoof took her own and Rainbow spoke quietly. “I’m sorry…about last night. I was angry at myself. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’m going to try to start fixing them though, starting right now. Scootaloo,” she gently took the filly’s chin and made her look up at her. Rainbow smiled and took a deep breath before finishing what she had begun. “How would you feel…about…about moving in with me? About me adopting you? Last night made me think about a lot of things long and hard. I was so scared of losing you, we all were. So if you want to…if you can forgive me for being so slow, you never have to be alone again. You can come home.”

It took a few seconds before it sank in, but the filly answered without words. Tears brimmed, hot and unbidden with joy as a relieved sob broke from her and she hugged Rainbow as tightly as she could. The mare didn’t push her away. She would never push her away, and she would never wake up alone. “This is the beginning of the rest of your life, kiddo. I promise to make it an adventure as long as I can.”

Through the tears, she opened her eyes. She could see Applebloom and Sweetie Belle standing there, both of them just as overwhelmed as she was with emotion. Behind them their sisters and the other mares stood, all relieved and thankful that the nightmare had ended. All of them were there, and for a moment someone she didn’t recognize. It had been an old gray mare passing by with a smile on her face. She was there and gone, leaving the filly to the happy moment.

Later that day, the adoption papers were signed and officiated. Scootaloo was released from the hospital a few days later. As she walked out with her new guardian by her side, an old gray mare watched from the hospital window. Sad brown eyes closed, and a tear slid down her cheek to meet her smile. The filly would never again see her, but she would remember her. She would be the one who chose all the pains and sorrows of life so that every moment of happiness and joy was her own little piece of heaven that she would never have to wake up from again.

Comments ( 257 )

I'd just finished reading this on DA when it popped up here. It's... thought-provoking. Well worth reading. I actually felt closer to crying than I've been in years.

She made the right choice. I've often thought that the ideal afterlife would have to be very much like life itself, complete with its pitfalls and challenges. What value is there in happiness without the feeling of having earned it? No, we're already in our heaven, and she was one of the rare people wise enough to realize it. Bravo, Scootaloo.

Never has this emoticon been more appropriate. :scootangel:

Damn... this is hitting me as hard as "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"

The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite stories. Not because of the engaging plot, the wonderfully developed characters, or the rich setting. No, it's one of my favorites because of a single line, from the ending. I'm kind of paraphrasing, but this is the gist of it:

"To know ultimate happiness, one must first know ultimate suffering."

And that's what you've managed to capture here. Life has its ups and downs, its joys and pains. You can't have one without the other. Else, you're leading an incomplete life.

Beautiful story. Well done.

My boyfriend was found dead yesterday. I'm still in shock. I don't know why I read this, but I'm glad that I did. It's a lovely story, and a comforting one. Thank you for posting it.

12289 I'm happy to hear you got to see it on there! Wow, I didn't think anyone looked at that - I'm a little flustered right now.

Still, I'm so happy to know you enjoyed this. It's an idea I've been playing around with for a long time, but it only just occurred to me to pair it with ponies. Poor Scootaloo just happened to be too easy a target to pass up...and she deserved a happy ending.

12297 Oh Rocket, hun, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know my story isn't much to give, but I'm glad it was able to give you even a small amount of comfort. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.:fluttershysad:

#7 · Oct 13th, 2011 · · ·

Confound you writers, you drive me to cry

#8 · Oct 13th, 2011 · · ·

Damn... That's about all I can say to this. I'm not a cold and heartless person by any means, but I find it very difficult to cry. I'll spare you the reason, but needless to say, my eyes watered while reading this. Unlike my normal comments, where I would offer some form of critique, or pick out some error here or there in hopes of providing the author with some useful feedback, I don't have anything to pick on. I didn't find anything. I didn't care to look for them. I didn't need to look for them. So, I suppose I'll offer something else instead. How about a hope for the future? To inspire someone to do something is about the most profound effect anything can have on anyone. I've been inspired to write another story with a similar theme, though without the death. Thanks for pulling on my brittle heart strings - they've almost snapped, and it's about time I replaced them anyway. 5/5

. . .

. . .

you have me in tears... pure undiluted tears... this is magnificently beautiful.

Thank you... I haven't felt like this in forever, and I'm glad to know that sorrow is something I can still feel. Thank you.

Wow. This was fantastic. I don't cry easily. But this had me in tears. Bravo. :scootangel:

Wow... thats about all I can say, its a beautiful story... brought me close to tears... something very rare for me.

Thanks :twilightsmile:

God fucking DAMNIT brony... I'm 6'3". I'm 235 lbs. I can bench press my own weight. I work as a security guard. I got stabbed a while back, and I broke the guy's face with my knee. I didn't cry then. WHY CAN I NOT STOP CRYING?!

Goddamnit I'm supposed to be a man!

Like, FUCK. It's 10 mins later, and I'm hiding in a stairwell till I stop crying so I can get back to work. Where the fuck is the favourite button?!

so wait did scootaloo like come back to life? :rainbowhuh: but it was still realy sad:fluttercry: 20 out of 5 thats what i rate this

12378 No. Her life was her heaven. The only difference between her life and her heaven was that Dash found her.


No, she's still dead, but her heaven is if she hadn't been found... too late to save. Think of it like an alternate universe kind of deal.

Shit man this is the only story on this site that made me cry.
I really didint cry for ages, and it was strange......thank you.

12362 Mission Accomplished! :pinkiehappy:

Ok, for all of you trying to figure out whether Scoot is alive or not, I agree, and would like the author to chime in. I'm probably overthinking this, but...

I see a few possibilities. The mare specifically said only those that die young & innocent are given this choice. 1) Scoot was allowed to choose another chance at life. Most ponies in the same situation don't realize they can make this choice, so they pick something else and remain dead. 2) Scoot is dead, and picked a heaven that was exactly like her life. However, since she will presumably live forever in this reality, everyone else gets old and dies and she constantly has to deal with loss again. Doesn't sound good. 3) Scoot is dead, and picked a heaven like her real life, except that nopony ages any more, so it's frozen in time, and somehow Scoot doesn't notice or care that it's not right. Everything's stagnant. A little less depressing, maybe, but still not great in my book. That's why I like to think #1 is correct. I doubt that was the intent, but for me, it's the happiest ending, and it still fits the theme that life was heaven for her since she thought of it on her own.

And, damn you for making me cry. Final 3 chapters were much stronger than the first, but brilliantly done.


To put it to rest, *cue drum Ba-dum-cha*

The idea I used was this. If I were to die, I'm the kind of person who wouldn't just let it go. I honestly can't see Scootaloo doing this either. After all, there were so many memories we never would have gotten to have, so many good times, even though there would be some bad. It would still have been an adventure - a story - and it's a shame to let it go unfinished. So the heaven I would imagine her, and myself, choosing would be to live out the remainder of the story. To live as though I had never died and finish what I started.

However - the Mare also stated that Heaven can change, if Scootaloo works to change it. It's in her hooves now and after it's all over, said and done, she'll have grown up and experienced life in all its joy. She'll be stronger, wiser, and I feel she would know better what heaven would be like from then on. I believe that, while she could not simply replay her life, she could start on a new adventure with her loved ones. They would continue to explore the world and other worlds together, and they would never grow old, and they would never grow tires. They would run the streets forever. And everything would be perfect.

By the way - ten points if anyone can cite where I got that last line from.

She's still dead - but that doesn't mean she gave up on living.


That was meant to say *tired.

Yes, ponies do not grow tires, guys. :derpyderp1:

:fluttercry: that's so sad... I don't know if I'm crying because I felt like I was in scootaloo's horseshoes, or that the story was so beautifully written. The English language does not have enough words to describe how sad I feel now... If I were to die young like scoots, I would probably do something similar in the way of finishing what I started... Oh well... At least I've found it easier to fall asleep when I'm sad... Rest in peace Scootaloo... :scootangel:

Wow... this just got added to the list of fics that got me to cry. I didn't bawl, but the emotion was thick.
here, have this.
and a link if that dosn't work.
5 stars.

12523 To you, my dear reader, I must attempt to make my response as well versed and eloquent as a bard in the crux of autumn.

*clears her throat*

THANK YOU! :heart:

I hope this brief expression will suffice in adequately expressing the degree which I have proceeded to "squee" over having received your lovely token. :duck:

Hey, I thought i was the one thanking you :rainbowhuh:

But, yeah 'thank you' works. Thank YOU for the great fic.

12544 Remember, an author is just someone who writes words. It is their readers that make them successful. :raritystarry:

I do like that explanation, and it's similar to the one I chose, but it still doesn't sit right with me. She chose to experience both the joy and pain of life again, but if she lives forever now, it changes the consequences of her future actions. The most pain in life is that it ends, both hers and her friends', and if you take first one and then the other of those away, it's not the same. You wouldn't live the same way. There would be no motivation to make the most of life while you can, since you will never lose the opportunity.

Those are my feelings, anyway. I'm not trying to get you to change anything, just putting my 2 cents out there to get people thinking. I think you left it ambiguous enough that readers can make their own choice. I gave you an enthusiastic 5 *'s.

:applecry: damn you you tear stealing bastard!

sigh... now i want to read anything and everything else you've written

12589 And all of them are sad. Ain't I just a riot? :pinkiehappy:

Just... wow. That was amazing, I loved it. The ending is somewhat similar to something that I wrote myself:

"“Naturally, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Luna said with a small chuckle. “I imagine that you’ve got plenty of questions.”

Vinyl nodded in affirmation. “Am I alive?” she asked, obvious first question.

Princess Luna couldn’t help but chuckle. “Do you feel alive?” she asked.

Vinyl thought about the day’s events, from losing her eyesight to everything she’d just been through with Derpy. There could be only one answer to the Princesses’ question.

“Yes,” Vinyl said simply.

“Then you’re alive!” Luna said. She placed her hoof on the unicorn mare’s shoulder."

Clearly, you and I are on the same page. I applaud you, this was amazing.

Well, it didnt make me cry. :ajbemused: Of course, that could be because i read spark and other fics of that caliber that had me crying for about an hour, but hey. It was good. I commend you.

I cried several manly tears, very well done.

I cried several manly tears, very well done.

I was referred there by Tsutsifrutsi's Tumblr blog! Your story came highly recommended, for obvious reasons. :pinkiehappy:

....this is beyond words. Denfinatley an original concept, for sure. Worth a 5/5 and a lot of fan arts. Some of which will be mine. I applaud you. :fluttercry:

I got a little misty eyed over this. So Scootaloo is still dead and her actual friends are still mourning while she experiences a fantasy. Not really a happy ending, if that's what you were going for.

So wonderful, so thought provoking.... Tears.... That's all

HexReverie, the point is Scootaloo choose a Heaven where she never died, and yes, in the original reality her friends are mourning for her, but that can't be changed. Basically, Scootaloo pulled a Source Code, and in the reality she's living she is alive because she choose to be, because that is her heaven.

One day, I might be brave enough to read this. For now, though, just the title is enough to make me...make me...

...hang on, I'll be right back...


I want to comment on this with something poignant or heartfelt, but everything feels unworthy and hollow. Instead, please simply accept my thanks for writing such an emotionally vivid story.


this may be the best story i ever red :scootangel: :heart:

Very well written-came this close to crying. ( ) That close:pinkiesad2:

I cried.

I cried that silent, tears streaming down your face but being quite cry.

A sobbing fit of Hurt, Of a touched heart and of depressed Thoughts.

With the power to make one feel such a strong and painful emotion through writing is tough and you should be commended for it.

Tragedy is unavoidable and when it happens to someone so innocent or undeserving of it, The hurtful Feelings can be overwhelming.

I'm Glad you didn't pussy out and make scootaloo wish for something that would allow herself Life once more, Instead, she chose to live that life in the afterlife as her own personal heaven,a never ending paradise with the one she idolizes and loves, And that was A respectful move.

You should write a sequel to this or some kind of continuation that closes the story fully, show what happens as the broken hearts are repaired and
amends can be made and possibly how the Hurt was to much and Maybe... somepony can share a personal heaven with Scoots.

Reading Depressing stories is difficult for me because the funk it puts me in usually lasts for a very long time, A Few days was the longest i ever had. So thanks for making my chest feel heavy for the next few hours.. Dickhead.. (kidding)

This made me cry so much:fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

Excellent job Mate.

Such a sweet story and so very touching. I'm favoriting this and giving you 5 stars for such a fantastic story :scootangel:
(Funny how that emote is so perfect for this story :pinkiehappy:)

Tears... actual heartfelt tears... i haven't ever cried for a story... and this one deserves more words than i could ever think in my lifetime i am going to write my own story soon, and i can only hope that it will be as moving as this one

For some reason... in the end... I'm more sad for the ones left behind.
Screw it, I'mma go delude myself into this being Scoot's fever dream or something...
'Cause otherwise... bad things happen in real life.

If this makes you sad for that reason then go read My Little Dashie http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-my-little-dashie.html

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