shadowpheon
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Well then. As a huge fan of Corruption of Champions, I have to say I'm interested in seeing where this goes.
Especially given that Applejack, Rarity, and possibly Dash are already royally fucked
In terms of problems with writing, there wasn't really anything major, but I feel there's a few areas you could touch-up on.
Pacing being one of them. Everything seems to happen just a little too quickly. I do get that you probably wanted to get this clop-free intro chapter out of the way and done with as soon as possible though, so this may not be a problem that persists.
Other than that, and a couple of grammar errors ("An emergency had developed" should be "has developed". Just 'cos the narrator uses past tense doesn't mean the characters do), this seems to be written pretty well.
I shall be tracking this, and hope enough others do likewise to convince you to continue.
Oh, also, make sure to have a clear distinction between the Elements of Harmony, the elements, and the Elements of Harmony, the bearers.
I was briefly confused as to why Discord smashed the portal with only the necklaces inside.
What.
What is... What.
You... you didn't just send them to...
Oh dear Celestia...
*faves and begins to read*
Edit: Oh, AND you're having them...
Wow. You... you felt like being mean to them, in regards to this game. XD
Now what? Equestia is all sorts of doomed w/o the Elements bearers there!! As Cadence said: "Equestria is left without one of its most powerful methods of defense".
What is Discord and Crystallis planning? More importantly, what are they doing....TOGETHER?!
So they are just walking around naked. Lol.
Going to read it later. Just a minor nitpick for now: it's "Mareth" with one "R." Not two.
If you want some suggestions with where you will take this story first you've got to answer this question:
Are you writing a clopfic, or are you writing a story (with clop elements)?
If it's a clopfic then the only thing you really need to think of is the ponies ultimate fate. And the story will basically just be a series of rape scenes.
If it's an actual story, well then it's a much harder situation to write. First thing you need to remember is that the Mane 6 are all heroes. That is to say they are individuals with extraordinary abilities and skills. In game terms that would mean they aren't simply level one characters with no equipment. Rainbow Dash should be fine, she can simply escape practically everything on the mountain (even high mountain territory unless a basilisk gets her) and I'd say she'd be able to pummel any minotaur or hellhound into submission as well. .
Fluttershy's skill with animals borders on mind control, she can fly, she has the stare, and she's in the safest place in the game.
Applejack is in a dangerous place, but has her skills and her sheer strength to protect her. She's also pretty smart and can be diplomatic if need be.
Pinkie Pie treats physics like I treat speed limits. As suggestions and jokes. She's also in a starting area.
Twilight will be fine. Pretty much wherever she goes. Her magic can defeat pretty much anything in the game. It can certainly escape pretty much anything.
Rarity is in the worst position here. Her skills (manipulation and other social skills) are mostly useless on the plains. However she does have her magic, which while weak, provides some nice utility (like blinding, or tripping an opponent) in a fight. She's not exactly weak either. Finally she does have one secret weapon. She's sexy and she knows how to use that.
Here's some questions I think a story would need to address:
how will you treat the mutations? Ponies are kinda odd as is.
Will the Mane 6 decide to take down Lethice?
Which places (and what people) will the Mane 6 meet?
How (or will) they get home?
How do they each deal with the rising lust which everything seems to experience? Do they seek out relationships with each other/friendly NPCs? Do they rape some monster? Do they just masturbate? Note that this answer might be different for each mare.
How will they change if their corruption rises? How will they react when they learn about corruption? Will they try and resist it, or embrace it?
It should be noted that when I play Corruption of Champions, I play as a Pure Heroic character. That is my character has a corruption of 0, goes around solving everyone's problems, opposes deamons whenever possible, and has formed an army/harem at her base case. So I'm a little biased towards that playstyle.
I'm certainly interested with this, and hope to see more.
Um... *Sheepishly clicks the favorite button.*
I'd like to read more of this... Y'know, if you're feeling up to it... Please?
3202001
This story will be more or less a clopfic with a major story line behind it. And, I must say. I am really surprised you basically caught on to why I sent who to where... But you may not see the full reasons as to why they were sent where they were...
All in all, there is some planning behind the corruption and lust aspects of it. But all will be revealed in due time...
3199670
I kinda have a bit of a pacing problem, but I really did want to be done with the introduction chapter. And thanks for a few clarification on some of them confusion issues.
3206010
Don't worry you delicate little morsel... More shall be coming in time...
3208153 Do I sense I double entendre in your reply to me?
I hope I do. I wonder if you plan on having Fluttershy find Whitney's farm. Maybe she'll eventually go Angryshy and put Kelt in his place.
Being a person who actually plays corruption of champions, I might be of some help when it comes to the major and some of the minor characters in the land of Mareth
All i can say is... DIS GUNNA BE GUD!!!!!
Oh you tease!
So I see the factory is being brought in pretty early-game, eh? Interesting.
I wonder if Fluttershy will return from the lake bearing a related quest. If she returns at all
Well, Twilight is going to come back a week later after hanging out in the desert. I've always wished I could move to the city there, in game, but Tel'Adre was never given as an option... Oh well.
AJ'll probably be the next back, along with Rarity, the stuff in the Plains and Swamps are really dangerous for newbies.
Although, Rarity might come back with some news from a certain Dragon Lady, or possibly even a dragon egg...
Welp, as a seasoned player of CoC I can tell this is going to get really fucked up really fast... I cannot vait!!
If this plays out the way most CoC games go, none of them are going to care that they're stuck there... they'll be to busy dry humping everything in sight.
The one thing that I can't wait for is when flutters meets up with Amily and Izma. Along with when Twi finds the city of Tel'adre and meets up with Urta, Scylla, Lottie, Loppe, etc.
Too bad Spike didn't come along for the ride, half the fun of the game would have required a member of the opposite gender and it would have been interesting to see how the little guy would have handled the adult world (but let's be honest, he's more likely to end up as some Goblin's plaything then anything else).
Oh well, safe to say that Rarity's screwed with where she's gone.
And let's see how long Rainbow's Loyalty lasts now that she's had a taste of the Demon Factory's 'product'.
Can you add bad endings to this?
They wouldn't be canon, and you could continue your story the way you want, but some of the fun of CoC is in seeing the bad endings where the player becomes a sex slave. Not writing about the bad endings is a huge waste of sexy potential.
I like this story. I AM DISAPPOINTED WITH THE LACK OF UPDATES TO THIS STORY! MOAR!!!!!!!
The funny part is I'm currently playing CoC!
I MAY give this a read. I'm not really into anthro, ironically enough.
oh god no , corruption of champions is spreading here now?! EVERYPONY RUN!.......
I wanna see more!!! THIS IS SO GOOD!!!
I wonder if this will be updated again...or is it just dead...either way nice job on the writing
Please update the story with new chapters. You don't have to if you don't want to though but it would be appreciated if you would. The story was enjoyable. I want to know what happens next.
I dunno if this is abandoned but i like it plz continue if youre still writing :D
5212306
I will be continuing this, but I'm working long hours, and preparing for a move, so writing isn't too high on my list. But, I do promise I'll jump back on this in time.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130122224809/creepypasta/images/4/49/WALL_OF_TEXT...PREPARE.jpg
So, any chance of a new chapter or two coming out soon?
Please tell me this CoC fic isn't dead either...
You know, me and L.M. are big fans of CoC, so it's great to know that there are Fics of it out there that crossover with MLP...
...We're still hoping there isn't that one dumbass that crossed CoC over with the Generations before the FiM generation, though...
*cough*