AnimeFreak001
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Oh, man. A CoC x MLP crossover... I admit I am morbidly curious and will be reading it soon. We're not going to have to be seeing Kelt in this, are we?
.... MLP + CoC... Sold my friend! cant wait to see where this go's
3098511 we might see Kelt but as it says this is comment driven so i'd like some suggestions.
also this was originally going to be fluttershy and the cmc but now it is what it is
How fun planning on reading it soon
My curiosity has been peaked I do intend on reading this story through to the end
oh my Marae
dis gonna be good
while i am enjoying that this story is getting popular, as it says i need some ideas to start off, the main stuff i have planed for them wont happen until *fingerquote* late game. ideas are always welcome and i will most likely look at all of the comments for ideas.
Also if some of you are wondering i was originally going to have this as Fluttershy + CMC but i couldnt get the intro long enough to make it fully work, though depending on how many of you would like it i might restart that, but if anything it will be a carbon copy of this one just edited for fluttershy, though i could also have the same name as this and do AJ and her sister... but i likely wont
this shall be interesting.
Neat... I may do something like this, dood.
Heh, oh my. This is going to be a wild trip.
Liking this, though can you please not use pink text as it can be very hard to read if you have a light background.
3274318 sorry i was trying to figure out what color to use and didn't think about how it would look, ill change the color
fixed
Hm. Before we get to the important bits, some general commentary. Truthfully... your writing really needs work. Your grammar is mostly okay, though I saw an uncapitalized "I" and a misuse of "They're" and there are plenty of run-on sentences.
But the worst thing is how much of a rush you seem to be in. I know you've probably been harped at just like I have about 'show, don't tell' but in your case it's especially bad. I know you're in a hurry to get to the porn, but slow the hell down and pace it a bit, 'mkay? The intro chapter sort of reads like stereo instructions, and I'm hoping it's not a sign of things to come.
Also, Discord, ride a chariot? If the rush didn't kill suspension of disbelief, that would. Even if he wasn't assigning such a high threat level to it, he'd probably still go goof off and meet them when they got there, and with the high threat level, he's more likely to just *snap* "Okay, we're here!"
Hoping the porn bits are better.
"Lust Draft, that must be why my crotch is tingling, but a simple potion will not be enough to open my legs, especially to a creature that has that small of a penis."
"BECAUSE I MUST DESCRIBE WHAT I AM FEELING INSTEAD OF HAVING IT DESCRIBED IN THE TEXT!"
Sorry, couldn't resist objecting to that in the most obnoxious way possible. Characters doing the narrating for no apparent reason only works for Pinkie and Spike, and only then when played for laughs. If a character is stating something, double-check if they are saying something obvious to all parties present or if it's something they should be pointing out at all. Does it need to be said out loud? If it doesn't, describe it in the text!
Advice that may help: Try reading your work out loud to yourself. Respect commas and periods as you do so, and see if it sounds okay. If it doesn't, re-write it in a way that does. If that doesn't seem to work, read it out loud to someone else, or get a pre-reader to do it themselves. Run-on sentences might sound okay to you if you're naturally a motormouth, but most people will notice they're running out of breath in the middle and realize they should've cut it in half somewhere.
Secondly: Never ever ever ever ever use * action tags in prose. It's LAZY. This:
"Now Sweetie, the first thing that you need to know is that this is a PRIVATE act and should be done alone, the only reason we are doing this know is because you need to know how to handle this, do you understand?" Sweetie nods. "Good, now then *clears throat* the first thing you need to do in order to get started in this act is feel around your vagina so as to get it wet, the main purpose of doing this is so if you were about to have sex with a male then it would be easier to fit his penis in, after you get some lubrication going just do what feels natural, but be careful if you use your fingers try not to go too deep or use too many, if you do your hymen will break and it will hurt alot."
Should be this:
"Now Sweetie, the first thing that you need to know is that this is a PRIVATE act and should be done alone. The only reason we are doing this now is because you need to know how to handle this. Do you understand?" Sweetie nods.
"Good, now then," Rarity clears her throat. "The first thing you need to do in order to get started is feel around your vagina so as to get it wet. The main purpose of doing this is so if you were about to have sex with a male, then it would be easier to fit his penis in. After you get some lubrication going just do what feels natural, but be careful if you use your fingers! Try not to go too deep or use too many, if you do your hymen will break and it will hurt a lot."
The list:
1. You "KNOW" information, you do things "NOW"
2. Look at your commas. Could they be periods? You shouldn't normally have two commas in the same sentence unless it's a list or, for example, an aside.
3. Even if no new person is speaking, it's sometimes a good idea to split a single person's speech into two paragraphs.
4. The * action tags thing. Just. Don't. Do. It.
5. The "in this act" was entirely unnecessary and while Rarity's speaking style includes flourishes, it just sounds awkward there.
6. Don't be afraid of the exclamation point. Especially with miss Drama Queen here.
7. This still reads sort of like stereo instructions, but I wasn't going to entirely re-write your text. Spice it up with some adjectives! Interrupt with the character gesturing, or in this case, demonstrating!
8. This is an Alot.
Aaaaand I think I'll quit now. I don't usually drop this much criticism, but I had such high hopes when I saw this in my feed, I couldn't help but dispense it.
I still don't count the porn as really started. But as far as porn so far goes: your prose needs to be way purpler. Describe. A lot more. Going to fave to keep track of updates... for now... and see where this goes from here. Even terrible writing can be decent porn. I do like the idea of Discord as a Marethian Horror, but if he's that morphed you'd think he'd be hornier.
3274826 Thanks for the advice, English has never been my strongest subject and this is my first fic after all. I plan on addressing the issues you pointed out later today (as I have to work today) and will do the best I can. As for what Rarity said I meant it for her to say it to herself, but I can try to word it differently cause after reading it I do agree it does sound out of place. Thanks again for your advice
Wow, Talk about a great and lengthy Idea!
Hm... For Rarity and Sweetie's transformations, are you leaving it to be audience-driven, or do you have a plot in mind for that?
If this were Fluttershy, I could easily see her getting the bee lower body plus the ovipositor for some egg-laying fun... but I think Rarity would object, not wanting her lower half to be fat.
3304932 I have a few ideas of where I would like the transformations to go but it is also up to the comments for ideas, simply if I like the idea you may very well see it in here, plus I might bring in Fluttershy for fun, not sure yet
3304997 Well... in that case, have Rarity get lots of Purified Succubi Milk, for bigger love pillows. I always go pure whenever I play the game. Hm... the Beautiful Sword would make an excellent weapon for her, too, just from the name. Rarity should eventually hook up with Urta.
As for Sweetie... I dunno what kind of transformations she should have. There aren't any age-increasing potions or such in the game, I believe. But, I think Amily might make a good match for her, in terms of lovers.
Rathazul is a must for a follower, because he's required to purify the Succubi Milk (and Incubi Draft, if you decide one of them needs some extra equipment). Plus, his dyes might help Rarity into accepting him (being a rat morph, she'd be wary of him at first).
Could have done without the foalcon
but on the other hand Rarity and Sweetie will make a very good team. Sweetie may even use her singing voice to earn some gems for herself in Tel'Adre. She would probably also be good friends with that alley cat. Speaking of the city, Rarity would probably get along very well with the tailor there, and probably not so much with Urta because of the unladylike drinking. Given that she was sent to find out about the local situaton and will need magic to get back, she would probably do well to team up with Tel'Adre's mages.
Items wise I would definitely give her the Beautiful Blade and maybe later the Rapier in Zetaz' cave. I also like that you made Zetaz a bit more neutral than in the game, the later version of him on steroids was pretty badass and would make a good token evil teammate and tour guide to Mareth.
Then, yeah, Rathazul would be a good team mate. As far as badass goes -and books for good night stories- Izma would be a good friend and role model for Sweetie. Given how small Sweetie is, Izzy would probably not be interested in fighting for dominance, Sweetie could be more of an adoptive little sister for her, which also has the advantage that Rarity can go adventuring on her own.
Background wise I really like what you made with Discord but the portal voice was a bit silly (I could not help but imagine her as GlaDos) and I would also skip the introduction to the stats.
3905870 the foal-con will most likely be a onetime thing, might take it out with rewriting the chapters, but those are good ideas and i will definitely think on them.
hmm this will be interesting.
i hope nothing too bad will happen with little Sweetie Belle since she is a foal but as for Rarity hmmm.
well i wonder what she will end up as but maybe she will become a succubus
with maybe EE cup tho it would be funny if Sweetie Belle beats her in cup sizes lol
also i hope they encounter Tel'Adre
4338598 im glad you like it, but keep in mind that im still in the process of re-writing the chapters, they might end up slightly different, but i can tell you one thing, they will definitely reach the city
might be in the new chapter i write after the re-writing
all i have to say about this story is sweeties to casual about going into heat and rarity is to casual about sex crazed monsters and teaching her sister about masturbating EVERYONES TOO F***ING CASUAL
4382783
Those newfag casuals.
Why is it called 'Corruption of Sisters', if it's Rarity that goes in the Portal ?
I thought it was gonna be THE sisters, you know ? Celestia and Luna ?
Also... >"Because I was not always like this, I used to be a normal Pegasus."
-BOO! For bad fan-cannon. BOO!
>if I decided for your friend Applejack to travel here she would have around 30 Strength and 25 Toughness
-Sigh. Beginner's error...
This number-crunching, stats galore, is gonna be one hell of a mood killer.
Especially since, here, it's stated that Mareth is a real DIMENSION... and not a virtual reality or some other digital system. (In EqG, Twilight didn't have a HP bar above her head...)
You don't NEED numbers... More direct indications of how the body, bodyparts, and mind are changing is much more interesting/exciting and ''organic'', you see ?
4829090 Please re-read the description now if you would, I know that I am a beginner never said i wasn't.
4831511 The alternative might very well have been a better, and more intuitive choice with that title.
Also, I provided suggestions and usable critique.
4841475 Yes I know you did. So if I may ask; what would be a better name for this? Preferably besides the obvious one.
here lies a story i never read
Sweete started whit -5 corupption and the lust draft only give 2.
Shouldn't she have -3 now?