• Member Since 12th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen May 9th, 2017

shadowpheon


T

Captain Halford Norman of the USS South Dakota must lead his crew in a new land and determaine the fate of the famed battleship. But what will he do in a land of ponies? And how will they ever return the massive fortress to it's proper time? Maybe with a little magic, and a little friendship, the crew can find their way to home.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 51 )

OBLITERATE THE TINY PONIES

If you're doing Battleships in Equestria, don't send one. Send every one you can think of in the same fleet!

You mave have inspired me to do a IJN (led by Ozawa) invade Equestria after refusing to surrender after Nagasaki/Hiroshima and being nuked.

I'll see if I have time. Otherwise, just use lines between paragraphs online, indents don't really work as well.

This is incredibly rushed, the battleship crew does not read like military men, they act more like random battlefield characters. You even have the ship work like it's from battlefield.

Slow it down, have some actual characterization, and think about what the military is actually like. There are plenty of websites and stories that do military matter fairly well to draw inspiration from.

This reminds me of the movie Final Countdown But I agree it does seem a bit rushed, if th proper tme and effort went into it I think it could be very good. My interest is peaked so here have a :twilightsmile:

2364650 I once wrote about an Iowa-class in Equestria

A couple of notes:
Like others have said, you're going really fast. Slow down. Describe some details.
It's Applejack, one word.

I'll give the story a follow and see where it goes.

2364801 Grammar Nazi: Your interest is piqued

2364905

O sory dosthe wittle gramer notsi has a probles with me comment? :trollestia:

Instead of whabam you should describe the impact and the noise it made, I made the same narrative choice in my fic, it's a lazy and poor one it really is. :/ I like thees premise though, have zees thumbs up!

I dont mind the pace actually, it reads like a 1940s newspaper war comic. Which is kinda neat, I just picture everything in old comic format like 60s spiderman and it fits. A little more detail would be nice though.

99% of people will hate this kind of pacing though, just fyi.

2364905

Hi totally! What's up man?

Comment posted by Cobra of England deleted Apr 2nd, 2013

2364905
I read that, damn good.

This will be the battle scarred IJN who want revenge on the Yanks though, don't expect them to get on at all with the ponies like the Yanks in yours did. I could make it a sort of sequel to yours, if you want. Expose the ponies to what the Americans were fighting.

The IJN fleet as it stands at time of transportation, all historically accurate- Commanded by Ozawa (third ugliest admiral in the navy, well liked by the men.)
1 Naganato Battleship
1 Kongo Battlecrusier
2 (planeless) carriers Hosho, Junyo
12 Destroyers, various classes.
4 light cruisers, variuous classes

See how the ponies react to that

2365037


Hm, I do indeed. I'm trying to work up to writing a little tonight.

I must admit, this is a good idea you have going here, with plenty of potential, and I encourage you to continue, but its execution so far, to be honest, is rather average. :ajbemused:
There's plenty of room for improvement, and pretty much all of the major flaws have been pointed out by the other people who commented, so my recommendation is to take what they say to heart and work on those issues. Once you manage to iron out those drawbacks, I'm positive this story will turn out to be one worth reading in the long run. :twilightsmile:

why not the Yamato? or a Nimitz aircraft carrier? both are unbelievably awesome.

This is really awesome.
Hope this fic continues!:moustache:

2364756
Sorry if it seems to not be military like. I am actually a soldier in training, private training course, and I know lingo from Army and Air Force. Navy hits off my specialty. I ran into writing problems, such as limited writing time, and fatuige while writing. Plus I'm trying to keep historically acurate facts on the USS South Dakota, and my brain has trouble keeping with such thought processes.:derpytongue2: I will revise this when I get the chance, and I am working on chapter two.
2365004
You explain another reason I am looking for an editor/proofreader.:facehoof: While my writing has been better in the past, training has intensified, and finding time for these things is just getting harder. Not to mention, I am three weeks behind on my U. S. Government work... :pinkiesick:

Note to all who read
This fic was inspired by the fact that whenever I read a "Human was sent to Equestria" Fic, it's always one person, or a group of up to fifteen. I thought in my bright mind, 'Hey, what could I pull outta my rear end when I throw a random battleship with a random crew of close to three thousand into Equestria?':rainbowwild: This is a work in progress, though all the while, staying mainly historically acurate on any facts about the battleship.

SLOW! DOWN! I don't know if you meant for the pacing to be the same speed as a Formula 1 car, but that's what it is. The pacing is far to fast, and none of the environments are described in any way. This makes imagining it very hard.

Secondly, if a few rocks floated towards a ship, you don't fire at it. If you were to delve deeper down that they mistake it for a Japanese ship or the like, then I'd be able to buy it. You've got a great start, but there are many things that need fixing.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

WHERE ARE THE BRAKES?!

This is good and has potential, but I feel like someone just strapped me and this story to a friggin rocket ship!

2367228
*sigh* Alright. Y'all convinced me. I've got a break coming up, and I will sit down and take serious time to rewrite this...

Note to readers.
I thank you all for pointing out flaws, as said, this was a simple idea I wanted to get out. Seeing the popularity it has now, I am considering raising anchor and setting sail with this idea. Revisions will be done, now that I have enough information of flaws, and I will work on new chapters.

Interesting... Have never read a HIE that had a battleship in it. Pretty good. Keep up the good work

The South Dakota dominates all!!!:flutterrage:

Great story, but the pacing's too damn quick!
Slow down a little, put some more detail into the scenes. :twilightsmile:

2481056
Da. Will do when more time is aqcuired. Time is short in these hard times. Sarge is up our rear with intensified training due to the Attacks lately.

Uh, 40,000 yards is either 23 statute miles or the Navy-preferred unit of 20 nautical miles.

I find it hard to believe that the Captain would be on deck, especially with guests, while the big guns were firing. And then when the ship was counterattacked, he would surely get those guests inside the ship's armored citadel for protection.

2481956
*spoiler alert* Captain Halford Norman is not sane. Hence his laughing when the shell passes close over them.

2482077 Yeah, I guess that does explain that :rainbowlaugh:

2482098
And thanks for the distance correction. I was goin' off the top of my head. Will fix when revising the chapter maybe this weekend.

Hm, looks like Equestria won't be much different from Earth for the South Dakota in battle...

I feel this song suits the Dakota's roll perfectly

maybe some more massive explosions in the future?

The Story has potential but a bigger threat would be South Dakota and some Allied ships like Canberra, Hood, Quincy, Maryland, Enterprise, Saratoga, Wasp and Hornet helping Equestria confront German ships like the Bismarck, Scharnhorst, Gnisenau, Admiral Scheer, LUtzow/Deutschland, Admiral Hipper, Prinz Eugene, and Blucher (Pulled into Equestria before some were sunk) and U-Boat Wolfpacks

I don't think previews like this are allowed. There is currently a large argument about the posting of non-story chapters and what that does and doesn't include.

3253490
Tis Only Be A teaser That Will Be Replaced With The Chapter When Its Done.

Get rid of the OP magic, and im in. Also:

I wish to speak face to face, and not over this strange technology.”

Celestia, being a pony, SHOULD say:

What strange magic is this? Let the creature out of that metal box, demons!

2479677 Nah the CVN 65 Dominates all. Its an Aircraft carrier.

2371545 Please read more. This is the best one I have read of military HiE. PLEASE. :pinkiehappy:

What if:
PLOT TWIST
Star Trek Ships come flooding in :rainbowlaugh:

2832360 Plot Twist: All the Kamikazee are brought down
2798629 Add Hitler on one of them

2365026

You mean Nagato class Battleship

This....just....NO!!!! FUCK NO!!!!! THIS IS A FREAKING INSULT TO THE MEN WHO SERVED ABOARD THE SOUTH DAKOTA, NOT TO MENTION TO MY GRANDFATHER WHO SERVED UPON HER. VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO ALL!!! Next time, think about what you are doing before you go disrespecting those who lost there lives in WWII. FO SHAME!

3857523
Well I'm sorry if you feel disrespected. I mean none to those who serve, or have served. And I did think, but in my personal opinion, if you really feel this way, you can put this story on ignore. I decided to write it due to my high pride for our armed forces, and the fact I visited the South Dakota's resting place in the museum in Sioux Falls. Now pardon me for saying, but I felt the ship got little recognition, and I wrote this to share a little about its history, yet have fun with throwing it with the ponies. If you truly have a problem, and cannot resist bringing the point up, please, PM me, and don't make a scene in the comments.

well no offence this story just god boring for me im sorry.

3926001 Handled like a true boss. (subject change)
This is just my opinion and I'm no expert on world war two but your story seems to be De-humanizing the Japanese, they are human just like us, and I'm not sure if they were thrown into that situation if they would attack the ponies, attacking a species that is woefully under equipped to combat you doesn't seem like an honorable victory to me. Unless of course they are being controlled by the changelings.

I don't think IJN would ally with anyone or Any changelings. Good story though.

I have a question when will this story be finished? Its been over two years since the last chapter.

I would understand celestia knowing what the big shop was considering they probably use the same language. But how would she know the other was a destroyer? The words on the boat would be a different language.

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