• Member Since 6th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen June 15th

Distant Gaze


Comments ( 24 )

Finally, when the mare was nearly too old to bear a child, and the stallion flew slowly on achy wings, their wish was granted: a daughter was born. Both parents were overjoyed to have a colt of their own...

A little confused at that part, but the rest of the story looks good.

Overall it was a pretty amusing story with a nice hint of MC goodness in there. The little twist at the end was a nice and light way to tie it all up. :derpytongue2:

3472472

Blarg. What an embarrassing thing to let slip. I fixed it; thanks.

3472433

Glad you enjoyed it. And yes, Musical Breeze certainly had no complaints. :raritywink:

I say, Good show, loved the story. also I feel that would be the best apt lesson to teach some of the more petulant brats in the lesser classes.:twilightsmile:

Interestingly enough, this actually makes me more angry than many of the more straight-up mind control stories.

The moral is like a hotter version of the ol' "don't glare like that, your face will be stuck that way."
Don't be cruel to somebody, or you might end up becoming a music-addicted sex slave, whose eternal cravings will leave you forever submissive towards their every desire.
:twilightsmile:

Excellent work on this, Distant. I can definitely pick up on the fairy tale thematics; the rhythmic flow, emphasis on threes, and the frequent use of analogy when describing things such as the pegasus' abilities. I quite like the way it all fit together. Especially this gem of a sentence:

Some even said that the child of these two ponies would fly so swiftly that when the sun awoke, the child could offer it breakfast, and when the sun sank to rest at night, the child could scold it for taking so long dinner had grown cold waiting.

The mental picture that this is giving me is absolutely lovely.

I also really like the idea of pegasi being able to create music with their wings. It's kinda cool to imagine what it would be like to have that as an aspect of pegasi culture.

If I could make one little suggestion/feedback thing, I'd say that I feel like you should put some kind of sequence break in between the framing story and the fairly tale. What I mean is, maybe insert one of those line things, or just a few centered tildes. Just something to denote what paragraph belongs to what story. Especially for the ending, where the transition from fairly tale to concluding bits is just a little abrupt.

Instead of this:

From then on, the four mares lived happily ever after—not that three of them had any choice in the matter.

The colt stared in disbelief at his great aunt. Had she really just told him a fairy tale about mares getting it on in the woods? His great aunt’s eyes sparkled mischievously, but they always did, and her smile was as much knowing as teasing. “I… uh…”

You could have this:

From then on, the four mares lived happily ever after—not that three of them had any choice in the matter.

~~~

The colt stared in disbelief at his great aunt. Had she really just told him a fairy tale about mares getting it on in the woods? His great aunt’s eyes sparkled mischievously, but they always did, and her smile was as much knowing as teasing. “I… uh…”

I just think it'd look a little better and make the transition smoother. It's entirely personal preference though.
Other than that, I really didn't see anything that I didn't like here.

Anyways, I think it turned out great. You did a great job with this.
Clearly, the world needs more fairly tales!
:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by NovemberWolf deleted Nov 11th, 2013

The real moral of all Fairy Tales: don't be a character in a Fairy Tail.

I rathered enjoyed this. Keep it up. I would love a spin-off where he didnt get to hear the story and he becomes the girl at schools slave thing. :ajsmug:

3475117

It's so true. Even the protagonist has endure a life of misery before getting the payoff. At least Musical Breeze had happy years between moving from the pegasus city and getting old enough for stallions to notice her. Compared to, say, Cinderella, she led a charmed life!

I can honestly say I loved this story.

I can once again say mature used properly, I am not here for consistent sex I am here for proper use of it in a story. not obsessive as to take form the plot ... no pun.... and the character despite being short are solid. :pinkiehappy:

I hope you enjoyed making this, as much as we did reading it. :pinkiesmile:

Gentle Breeze guide you home, and a welcoming smile when you return. :twilightsmile:.

This was really nice, it was told as a fairy tale should be told, and the erotic content was only lightly sprinkled into the story, which i believe was done perfectly. keep up the good work and amazing ideas :twilightsmile:

3475970

Thanks! My other, ongoing story is quite heavy on the clop, but I knew that wouldn't work in a proper fairy tale. I really wasn't sure the sexual content would work at all in this format, so I'm glad it's been well received so far. :yay:

Huh. And now I'm picturing Scootaloo as Musical Breeze. It's a very odd mental image. :rainbowhuh:

i like it, it was written well and very much like a fairy tale, good moral and cute and sweet, very nice!

OMG that ending was just perfect XD great job on this!

3472884

Centered asterisks added to separate scenes. In my original draft, extra white space was used, so it wasn't as hard to tell as it seemed here, but FiMFiction for some reason ate the white space.

I'm not a clopper so didn't read this story for that... Read it cause I do like mind control stuff XD however this story was just awesome thru and thru. Great lesson too.

4639621
Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for stopping to comment! I've always been a little disappointed at how this story flew under the radar.

I'm am writing as I read so if I make a small mistake on how it happened, correct me so i can correct my opinion.

THE INTRO:
The intro to this story wasn't as bad as Smoke and a whole lot less rushed like you promised, but that doesnt take over the fact that there were flaws

Their personalities, while keeping in mind it isn't meant to be introduced fully, are mediocre at best. The main character seems to have a selfish tone so (correct me if im wrong) im thinking he would be a crude and curious personality. That said that's all i could get off him, even if he has a hidden kind nature, it doesn't state it clearly and would need a touch up.
As for the aunt's personality it seems to be that of a typical elderly lady, which can be forgiven only because the actual MLP show stereotypes some personalities. So I can let this one slide.

There weren't too many notable errors to make this intro worse. The only thing that bothers me is this line:
"Her grandson rolled his eyes, but like it or not, his curiosity was piqued, and he sat. “Alright, go on.”"
Isn't she his great aunt? If so the correct term would be Great Nephew, not grandson.

THE FAIRY TAIL:
To start off
"Pride did, though, as pride often does, and the pegasi of this city were disdainful of anypony who couldn’t match their speed."
This made my read it a few times... I still don't get this line. Sorry to say I just don't know. (nevermind I got it after a bit, it was just very poorly written.)

But!

That was literally the only mistake that caught my eye throughout the fairy tail.
It gave me a nice sense of fairy tail nostalgia, especially being in the third person limited perspective like fairy tails usually are.
Even if it went to places not many fairy tails go, this was a nice one and I really did enjoy the whole ride with Musical Breeze.

THE OUTRO:
HaHa she got him good.
Either way with no real lesson to the story except to mess with him, it left me with a humorous grin to think he listened to all of that mess, just to learn not to mess with her.
By the way I'm not to sure on what she implied when she said "I was spending my day with an old musician friend of mine" and I'm scared to know.

THE OVER-ALL STORY:
Even if the intro was shakey and the lesson was just meant to be humourous, this story is a perfect fairy tail for adults, Which is something I admittedly don't see often, and is an over-all good story.

from 1-10, 10 being super amazing and 1 being laughably bad, I give is an 8 thanks for the interesting story!

5227546

Their personalities, while keeping in mind it isn't meant to be introduced fully, are mediocre at best. The main character seems to have a selfish tone so (correct me if im wrong) im thinking he would be a crude and curious personality. That said that's all i could get off him, even if he has a hidden kind nature, it doesn't state it clearly and would need a touch up.
As for the aunt's personality it seems to be that of a typical elderly lady, which can be forgiven only because the actual MLP show stereotypes some personalities. So I can let this one slide.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frame_story
An established literary technique. The characters in the intro and outro are a "wrapper" for the fairy tale. They're not meant to be detailed. The aunt, you're absolutely correct, is fairly typical, if a bit more crass than usual. The nephew meanwhile is a rather self-absorbed teen who thinks he knows it all. That's all you picked up on for them, because that's all they are.

There weren't too many notable errors to make this intro worse. The only thing that bothers me is this line:

"Her grandson rolled his eyes, but like it or not, his curiosity was piqued, and he sat. “Alright, go on.”"

Isn't she his great aunt? If so the correct term would be Great Nephew, not grandson.

...and this is what happens when I decide halfway through to not make her a grandmother after all. <_< This is a mistake, through and through; you're absolutely correct! I'll be fixing that one as soon as this is posted. Grr. :fluttershyouch:

"Pride did, though, as pride often does, and the pegasi of this city were disdainful of anypony who couldn’t match their speed."

This made my read it a few times... I still don't get this line. Sorry to say I just don't know. (nevermind I got it after a bit, it was just very poorly written.)

Antiquated style more than poorly written, but I may have laid it on a little thick there. I actually really like that sentence!

Either way with no real lesson to the story except to mess with him, it left me with a humorous grin to think he listened to all of that mess, just to learn not to mess with her.

Ah, but it DOES have a moral! As auntie said, "The lesson was to mind whom you pick on, lest you spend the rest of your life with your muzzle between her legs..." It's a naughty version of the old adage, "Be careful whose toes you step on today; they may be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow." Or, more simply, "Don't be mean, because you might make the wrong person angry."

By the way I'm not to sure on what she implied when she said "I was spending my day with an old musician friend of mine" and I'm scared to know.

Did you notice how scared the nephew got when she mentioned that he knew that friend's daughter? The pegasus who couldn't fly? The "fairy tale" was all a lie--the aunt was one of the hateful mares, and her musical friend was really Musical Breeze. That aunt was a tricky one!

5228790 Well sorry for not liking a sentence you thought was ok (thats not sarcasm I swear) Again I go with personal preferences and I am not afraid to point out what I dont understand, and I said I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW, I knew she was a hateful mare but... I don't know xD either way yeah didn't you acknowledge the good things I said? I did enjoy this story and by your comment it makes it seem I hated it :rainbowlaugh: either way nice job on the story, the factors that are listed are small and far in-between so I gave it the like it deserved :pinkiehappy:

5228923
Sorry. You did like it overall, and I didn't acknowledge that. Though you didn't say you didn't want to know, just that you were scared to. Tada, fairy tale became a horror story! :flutterrage:

5229097 Haha right you are, in more ways than one. Bravo sir

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