NOTE: Before you read any further, please check out this blog post (or the last few paragraphs anyway) explaining why this story is getting re-submitted despite being... what it is.
With that said... enjoy, I guess?
"Once everything you love has been taken away from you, your life, your mind, and all of your actions are focused on one thing: Revenge.”
Heya, welcome to ‘Revenge is Bittersweet’! I’ll try to summarize the most important things for you here.
But before we get started, let’s have some disclaimers:
WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS:
-PONIES (who knew?)
-A DARK/TRAGIC SETTING AND PLOT
-STRONG (yet mostly ponified) LANGUAGE
-PORTRAYAL OF VIOLENCE/GORE
IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THOSE THINGS, YOU SHOULDN’T READ THE STORY!
BUT PLEASE CONSIDER THAT YOU’LL MISS SOMETHING IF YOU DON’T!
So, now that we have cleared this issue, let’s have a general overlook of what will await you:
As you may have already read, it’s a story about a stallion (my pony-OC to be exact) straying through Equestria and seeking for the abductors of his daughter; first person narration.
I guess it’s needless to say that his journey will include meeting (and interacting with) most of the main cast and the Princesses; the storyline will describe how he turns from a loving and peaceable father into a violent, vindictive killer. I guess the word ‘Tragedy’ quite much fits the bill.
Something about the setting:
-The universe the story’s set in is a rather dark one: Equestria is ravaged by a war/conflict between Celestia and Luna; the details of it will be explained in the first chapter.
-The Rainbow Factory (borrowed and slightly adapted from AuroraDawn’s eponymous story) will be featured.
-A few years have passed since the events of the series; the main cast is a little older, the CMC are almost adults.
-The ages of the characters are stated in human years for convenience.
A ‘Teen’-rating is appropriate at the moment, but the rating can (and probably will) change towards the end of the story.
The amazing cover art was drawn by Pandramodo. If you don’t know about him yet, you should definitely get to know him! So don’t hesitate, go ahead and check out his gallery!
The swords the soldiers of the Republic/Empire use were inspired by those in this epic PMV by BronyDanceParty.
And (just in case this isn't obvious) if you like the story, feel free to give it a like, a comment or a fav! Every kind of feedback is highly appreciated!
So, I guess that’s everything! Thanks for reading everything so far! I hope you’ll enjoy the story!
And don’t forget:
-The story itself and the OCs [Fippo; Firespark; Emberstripe; Halo Star; Poppyshine and Stormtrotter] are by me.
-The credit for the original idea of the Rainbow Factory (and the flight test) goes to AuroraDawn and WoodenToaster, respectively. I don’t claim to have created it, since I borrowed the factory and the general procedure from ‘Rainbow Factory’ and only altered it slightly.
-All other rights belong to their respective owners.
-‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’ and everything related to it ©Hasbro.
Compliments first: I enjoy hearing the backstory of the whole Lunar republic-Solar empire thing. the history with Firespark, applejack's eyes, all that crap is just goody-too-shoes fun to me and I personally like to see it here.
Criticism...I think you should slow it down a bbit. You revealed a big bomb in the story right off the bat; the daughter. That's a really heavy thing right there and should be used after we get to know your character a little bit more, but it's been done, so how about ways to improve on it? for one thing, One of my biggest hates ever in stories, movies, whatever is someone that has only one thing on their mind, and everything reminds them of it. I just...I dunno, it makes the character seem bland. I don't enjoy it. If you can do it well, by all means go ahead. but from my experience, you should try to be light with the whole daughter thing, play it subtle. But other than that...? Uh...Yeah! I'm really excited to see where this shit goes!
I must say, I'm liking this so far. There's a few things here and there that I would change, some words that could be switched out, but overall a good first showing. It's a nice set up for the world and the conflict, and you actually took the time to set up how the conflict started, but honestly that's the easy part. The real determining factor will be how well you develop Fippo's character and how well you can show his reactions to the horrors around him.
Oh, btw, WhatMakesaRainbow sent me.
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Well, first off: thank you for the detailed review; there are many things I'm not really sure about, so comments like those really help me a lot!
About the early reveal of Firespark's fate: well, -I'll try to keep this spoiler-free- this chapter is set in the last quarter of the story's chronology, so the next chapters will explain WHAT happened and HOW it happened; meaning how he got into that conflict, how she got abducted, how the whole war has changed Equestria and the main cast, and so on. However, I'll try to give some deeper insights into his character in the next chapter.
And about that other thing you mentioned: given by the storyline, there WILL be some passages where he is reminded to her and/or thinks about her, but regarding what you said -and because I basically feel the same way- I'll try to keep those parts within bounds; the story is about revenge and not about mourning after all.
That said: thank you very much for your comment, I hope your excitement will be worth while!
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Indeed, thinking about how the conflict started actually IS the easy part (there's a bunch of inspiring fanart dealing with that topic out there).
In fact, showing how he reacts to everything isn't that easy -the paragraph in which he describes his depressions actually took me an entire day- and there will be many other situations in which he is confronted with horrible events, so chapters with those things may take a while.
However, chapter two will hopefully be released before Monday (I can't promise anything though).
Oh, and thanks for the Feedback!
3024945
And thanks for recommending the story!
Thumbs up to help fight that red bar!
Intense chapter.
Chapter two already has improvement. Doing good bud! Keep up the good work.
[Answering to everything in one comment for convenience]
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Haha, thanks a lot! :D (Though I hope that the story itself also justifies a thumbs up)
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Indeed, I wanted that chapter (or at least the end of it) to be rather dramatic; the next chapter will be more easy-going and melancholy instead.
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Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it so far.
Reading this shit on an iPhone cause I have no patience. can i do it? Here we go!
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Let's hope so! xD
How's it going so far?
Mmmm...You write combat pretty decently. ^_~
I'm seriously wanting to see how you portray Rainbow Dash.
.....
In response to my previous comment...
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Fun fact: I originally wanted to put that story on a long-winded hiatus because I'd lost every kind of motivation to write grimdark or OC-stories, but now ... yeah, the next chap should be up anytime soon.
And, by all means, thanks for the Feedback!