Roni is a simple stallion, living a peaceful life in the Everfree Forest, not far from Ponyville. He lives in a decent house, alone, and loves pasta. He owns a humble restaurant in Ponyville, where they serve — you guessed it — pasta.
Roni is attacked. Fear pumps through his body, causing him to weaken at a crucial moment, and break down emotionally.
This was done for the Cliffhanger Contest in The Writing Lab group on FIMFiction. It was done hurriedly, but nevertheless, I would like some critique, if that's okay.
Any and all critique or general feedback is greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time!
Chapters (1)
Good go at the contest. I think if you had, had more time, this would have polished up nicely.
Good opening line, it sets the mood as sympathetic. Making him an every-man the reader can sympathize with. You quickly hit on familiar emotions of feeling alone. Isolating the reader with the character. It's a simple formula, but if you polish it, it could be a real hook.
You could have introduced us a bit more to Roni before the fight started, an extra 500 words would have made the attack feel more shocking. I'm going to say that's the weakest point of the story, the attack just didn't feel shocking. But, that's what first drafts are for, you could fix that; easy.
I like your use of flash back. If you were to continue this story you would have all the back history out of the way.
Recommended reading for you: It, by Stephen King
This chapter needs a polish, but I think you could make a good story out of this, as a first chapter. There a lot of directions you could take this.