A pegasus has no place out in the fields.
Sugar Grape knows this. Yet...
A story of a mare trying to find her place in a world where she clearly doesn't belong.
Chapters (11)
omnom19
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I loved that quote in chapter one, I read it 6 times. This story has my attention and curiosity can't wait for more
You just earned your first follower.
I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
Yours Truly Thecakedevil.
Well isn't this a neat little find?
This has a lot of potential and has some pretty solid writing so far. If only the chapters weren't so short. But if that works for you as a writer, then by all means...
Good story. The chapters are a bit short, but other than that, you have a good story idea here.
So just a few minor corrections:
In your description, you say "story of mare." It should be "Story of a mare."
I'd change it to say "Each one is a different tale or genre, though they are all waiting to be read by another eager mind."
That's kind of a clumsy sentence. I'd take out the "sleep made everything luxurious" part, and maybe make it its own sentence before "she rolled over..."
There should be a dash, not an apostrophe. So it would look like: Hoof-forsaken.
Why is "her" in quotes? Is it some sort of ironic "her?" If it is supposed to be in quotes, since it is already inside of a quote, it should be 'her.'
(THY STORY INTRIGUES US –)
(*Ahem.* "Indoor voice", Luna. We talked about this.)
(...yes, of course. Our apologies. Anyway. Thy story hath caught Our attention, scribe, and We shall be watching with great interest.)
Couple of things you might want to work on:
You've got a number of long sentences which could benefit from an extra comma or two, such as:
Alternatively, re-word them or break them up so they don't read so much like "This happened and then this and then this and then this." Stacking up too many "ands" in a short space reads oddly. For example, instead of:
make them:
Zinfandel sighed as he picked up a metal hoop in his teeth and set it against the cool cellar wall.
The broken mare was carefully placed in the back of a sturdy applecart. Fluttershy lay next to her, softly stroking the weeping pegasus, while the Apples hitched themselves to the wagon and took off for Ponyville as fast as they dared.
Something like that, anyway.
This is a bit inconsistent with the rest of the story. Twilight obviously hasn't dragged her friends off somewhere, since AJ is still at her farm and Fluttershy was tending her animals. To make it fit the previous line, and make it part of Applejack's thoughts, try something like this instead:
That purple pony was probably about to drag her friends off to some hoof-forsaken place to go face down yet another evil whatsis, and save yet another pony race, when Applejack just wanted to sleep.
Lastly -- when you use compound adjectives, like "once-white coat" and "earth-pony stallion", be sure to hyphenate them. Whenever two words act together as a single adjective, hyphenate them.
For a new writer, this is actually pretty good. If the chapters were a little longer and the actual writing having a bit more...substance, to it, I could see this turning out really well.
You tell so much with so few words. Most excellent work.
Oh my.... Where has a writer as good as you been hiding?
Clearly the solution to her problem is to become one of those females who hover around and feed grapes to some rich and powerful guy. Her wings will be useful as fans to keep him cool, and she'll be working with her favorite fruit at the same time. Or maybe volunteer to fill that service for Celestia. She could probably use a good grape-mare.
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Couldn't everyone use one?
Sugar better watch out. Pinkie's probably gonna slobber all over her when she hears that name.
I wonder what it's like to live in a culture that actually has traditions and celebrations that genuinely mean something real about their place in the world. A harvest festival, huh? What's the point of that? Everyone knows that food comes from grocery stores.
Seems like Sugar might have a natural tendency to gravitate toward Applejack, being so similar to the sorts of ponies she's known all her life, but the question is which of them will really be able to teach her the most.
I loved it. If only somepony would post a little bit more!
3271221
*salutes
*drinks coffee
*all the sudafed
Pinkie...
...methinks you've been hanging around Discord a little too much...
WOOOOO!
Pinkie Pie is running on all cylinders here!
That whole Mafia set up with the cigar and everything she said and did was awesome to picture in my head! Now I dare y'all to read "featherflu-ick feeling" 3 times super fast and not stumble! Please keep going!
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I know...but she wouldn't let me write her any other way!
^is very excited about the next installment of Savage Skies. *tries to be good and wait patiently* ......
Damn the feels!!!!
Curse this manly tears!
Sweet Celestia there was stuff happening everywhere and it was all heart wrenching! I like the whole magic usage = death idea! THe whole suicide makes a lot more sense now and I guess we're caught up to the present time? Poor Sugar...
Hmm, a rather different interpretation here for how magic works with ponies' lives. Kind of implies ponies like Twilight Sparkle and possibly Rainbow Dash would really be short-lived.
Well anyway, it seems the story has pretty much caught up with itself, so I guess it's time to see what Sugar thinks of Ponyville next.
Obviously she will excel at spilling grape juice all over Rarity's clothes. I'm sure Rarity will appreciate the assistance.
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Oh you.
How are you so perfect?
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I just take a look at my avatar and try my best to channel Rarity's fabulosity!
Then I fail miserably and just spout some nonsense instead.
Oh if only there were more Pinkie Pie's in the world... She visited her everyday and hoofed the bill! And hospitals are so hellish when you don't get visits. Nice Lord of the rings moment there with Rarity!
Sorry for being gone for so long! Another great chapter with AJ talking to tables about work and Rarity being Rarity. Zecora collecting silk? Rainbow can't fly softly? Sugar still feels inferior? I'm loving this!
The level of patience and long-term thinking here... well, I will just assume that you wrote this before Twilicorn, and it is set several years into the future.
3511234
"Lord of the Rings moment"?
Sigh... So many great stories dead.... Would've loved to see more of this
I would love to see this finished. Sigh... Alas it is not in the cards. Let me know if you decide to finish this.