Chapter One
Tornado Kicker walked through the arched double doors of the building, his hoofsteps echoing through the halls as he walked. That morning, he had his niece Star help him get ready for today. As much as it hurt him to return, some things needed doing, and ever the faithful soldier, come Tarturus or high water, he would see them done. The stallion stopped in front of the yellow line in front of the nurses station, and sat on his haunches. Slowly his eyes panned the sign, informing him to wait.
The glass window in front of the station slid open, and a unicorn mare poked her head out, a bored expression on her muzzle.
“Yes can…” she paused, and her expression brightened.
“Oh Celestia!”
Squeeling with delight, the mare ducked her head back in, and once there, the window slid. Chuckling, Tornado walked to the gate as the nurse, whose cutie mark was a rose, trotted out. Horn glowing, the aura of which undid the gates latch, then opened it, the somewhat portly mare waved a hoof excitedly.
“Tornado, you stud! Come give me some sugar child!”
Chuckling, the stallion walked through the gate, and braced himself. An instant later, the mare wrapped her forelegs around the old soldier's neck.
“Well child, ain’t you a sight for these old eyes. How you been sugar?”
Now laughing, Tornado patted the mare on the back.
“Oh, I’ve been all right. You know, we Kickers are a tough bunch Matilda.”
Snorting, the unicorn let him go, and gave him an appraising look.
“You’re too thin son. You ain’t been eating.”
Frowning, the mare leaned forward, and squinted. Brows raised, Tornado leaned back slightly. He would never admit it, this mare was scary. Shaking her head, Matilda leaned back again.
“You ain’t been sleeping either child. How are Cloud and Alula doing?”
Sighing, Tornado looked down.
“I… I don’t know.”
Fwap! Yelping, Tornado glared at the mare, rubbing the side of his head. Scowling, Matilda poked him hard in the chest.
“Boy, you best be getting your shit together! Them fillies of yours need their daddy now that their momma’s on the other side, you get me?”
Sighing, Tornado nodded. Snorting again, Matilda turned, and walked away.
“I’ll get the doctor. You can go to the rec room, visit for a bit.”
Still rubbing the side of his head, Tornado prooceded to the large area at the end of the hall. In it, barred windows let in the light of the outside, the more able patients out amongst the green and brightly colored flowers giving those inside a show. Inside the building, ponies milled about in a half stupor, the mornings medicine still in effect, the more mentally present sitting at the tables playing cards or board games, their bodies covered in fluffy robes of various colors. The less mentally able, either drugged or simply gone, walked or simply sat on cushions, staring blankly into space or mumbling softly to themselves. At a chalk board, a blue furred black maned Pegasus stallion stood, chalk clenched between his teeth, muttering in his breath as he worked.
“Excuse me…”
Tornado’s gaze turned to the mare at his side. Next to him, a shimmering pony stood, an immigrant no doubt from the Crystal Empire. Her glittering form somewhat dead, her entire body was a soft green, her mane purple. What was most unsettling were her purple eyes, brimming with tears and hopeful.
“Are… are you my daddy?”
Smiling, Tornado asked, “Would you happen to be Jade?”
Biting her bottom lip, the mare gave a nod.
Leaning forward, the Pegasus nuzzled her cheek.
“Well, then I am.”
In an instant, the mare began sparkling again, a huge smile breaking across. Clapping her hooves together, the mare squeed, then leaping up, pranced away. Smiling, Tornado shook his head, and walked further into the room. As he passed a mare, he heard her mumble, “My wittle ducky wucky was in all that wa-wa… my wittle ducky wucky didn’t know how to swim…”
Tornado paused in his stride, his smile fading. Slowly the mare looked up, and she tilted her head, eyes glazed over and distant.
“Poor wittle ducky…”
Tornado lips curled into a sneer as the mare brushed his foreleg with a hoof, a small smile across her lips.
“You know mister… you and I could have fun…”
Eyes narrowing, Tornado snarled, “Why? So I could risk another foal to your?”
Instantly, the mares hoof flew back to her side, and she shook her head.
“Another? No… no, no other… I never had…”
Snorting, Tornado wiped the opposing hoof down his leg, and walked away. Behind him, the mare took her head in her hooves, and began to sob.
“Nado!” a voice bellowed. Whirling around, Tornado gaped as the floor shook, a mass of grey shooting across the room. Eye rolls and guffaws echoed from the staff as the commander was embraced by a giant of an earth pony, who clutched the Pegasus to his chest, shouting “Nado! Nado’s back!”
“Rock Steady!” Tornado bellowed.
Flinching, the stallion stopped, and let the pegasi drop to the floor. Sitting on his haunches, the pony nervously scuffed the floor with a hoof, and looked abashed. Sighing, Tornado shook his head.
“Rock, you can’t just go grabbing onto folks like that, okay?”
Paunching out his bottom lip, Rock Steady nodded, and asked “Did I hurt you Nado?”
Sighing, Tornado shook his head, then smiled.
“Its okay big guy. Just be more careful.”
Suddenly, the grey stallion perked up, then he said, “Oh! Nado, guess what, guess what!”
Chuckling now, the stallion shrugged his wings.
“What?”
Turning his head, Rock steady reached down into his saddle bag, and after a bit of rustling, pulled out a photo. Photograph clenched between his teeth, he let out a muffled “ ‘Ook! ‘Ook ‘Ado!”
Regarded the photo, Tornado’s brows knitted together, then he said “And who’s this little foal?”
Putting the photo back in his bags, Rock Steady raised his head back up, beaming proudly.
“She’s my niece ‘Nado! Sissy's bringing tomorrow!”
Tornado patted the stallion on the shoulder.
“That’s great Rock! You’re an uncle now, huh?”
The stallion nodded happily, and then gasped.
“Oh no! Sorry ‘Nado! I gotta go make a present for her! Bye!”
Once again, the floor boards shuddered as the stallion bounded off. Rolling his eyes, Tornado walked up to the chalkboard. Eyes roaming over the incomprehensible equations a moment, he said “Hey Quiz.”
The opposing pegasi paused in his work, then lay the chalk down. Raising his head back up, his eyes squinting behind the soda-bottle bottom glasses, he said in a monotone “The square root of 906.1
Equals…”
Right brow quirked, a soft smile across his muzzle, Tornado answered, “30.1”
Turning fully, Quiz continued in the same monotone, “Commander. Sorry. Had to be sure…”
Tornado nodded.
“How have you been Quiz?”
The stallion shrugged his wings, turning back to the chalk board.
“Medicine helps. Doctor made it quiet.”
“Tornado Kicker!” a voice called out. The stallion turned to the voice. Across the room, an orange coated brown maned earth pony mare stood, waving a hoof. Nodding, he began walking over, but paused mid stride.
“Later Quiz.”
Not looking away, the Pegasus gave a monotone “bye…” then picked up the chalk again.
Tornado Kicker cantered up to the mare, and gave a nod.
“Doctor Mandarin. How’s he doing?”
Sighing, the mare gave a tilt of her head towards the door.
“Lets walk and talk, okay?”
Tornado kept step with the mares brisk pace, his jaw working slightly in anxiety.
“Give it to me straight then…”
Shaking her head, Mandarin sighed again.
“We were making excellent progress. His injuries were healing nicely, and he’s adjusted well in his current state…”
“But…?”
Mandarin came up to the door at the end of the hall, and looked at the stallion.
“The nightmares have started up again. Full regression. Just… Tornado, just be ready.”
The stallion nodded, and his heart began beating faster as Mandarin turned back to the door. Unlocking it, she opened it, and indicated him to go in.
“Take all the time you need Commander.”
Gulping, Tornado walked in, and couldn’t help but wince. Before him, and white coated black maned Pegasus sat, eyes downcast. Around his barrel, a strap held down his wings. Over his body, a metal brace was in place, the bars of the frame squeaking slightly as its occupants every move. Putting on his guard face, Tornado walked into the room fully, and sat down.
“Hey private…”
The stallion continued to look down. Heart heavy, Tornado walked over to him, and sat down. The braced stallion began muttering, "No... no sir... sir, their in the trees..."
Tornado winced, the memory of that night still fresh.
"No son... its over."
The stallion lurched up, the metal cage around his body groaning. Eyes wide, the stallion walked past Tornado, shaking his head and muttering. Tornado stood, and turning, regarded the sight. Slowly, still broken body healing under the holds of his brace, the private paced from on end of the room to the other.
"Gotta... gotta get back. Commander, he needs me... he's out there... I gotta protect him..."
Tornado stood, and closed his eyes, willing the tears away.
"Commander, please... gotta get him... Promised mom and dad... he's out there..."
Eyes flying open, Tornado whirled around, wings flared.
"Stand down soldier!"
The stallion flinched, and slowly his head turned. Tears began streaming down his cheeks, and a desperate grin went across his muzzle, and body creaking, he limped to Tornado.
"Commander Hammer! They... they won't let me go! You'll... you'll help me! Have you seen him sir? Help me!"
Tornado gritted his teeth, then shook his head.
"Damn it! I told you, he's gone private!"
The private shook his head, still walking forward, screeching "No! I... I promised! I said I'd protect him! Mom and dad... he was going to be a teacher commander!"
Tornado stopped the privates walk with a hoof on his shoulder.
"Son... that happened a while ago. Battle... its over..."
"I... I know your face..."
Tornado looked up, and took a step back. Growing horror was going across the opposing stallions face, and he whispered, "Not... not Hammer... Sergeant... Tornado..."
The private fell back on his haunches, shaking his head.
"You... you said we'd be okay... you'd look out for us..."
The private gritted his teeth.
"You said we'd make it..."
Tornado sat down on his haunches, and wrapping hjs forelegs around the private, drew him close. Pressing his muzzle to his superiors neck, the stallion let out a muffled scream.
"You lied! I could have saved him! I... I could have gotten there quicker!"
"I know son... I'm here private... Sergeants here..."
................................................
Tornado leaned back against the door of the padded room, and taking a shaky breath, wiped his nose. Looking up as the doctor walked up, he scowled.
"Doc... you said he was getting better..."
Mandarin sighed, and rubbing her forehead with a hoof, said quietly, "I said he might get better, Tornado. What happened to him was traumatic. His injuries were horrible, and he's lucky to be alive. Without that brace, he'd only be able to move in agony."
Tornado's scowl faded, and he looked down again.
"I... I know Doc... I'm sorry..."
"Commander, could I ask something?"
"Proceed."
"Well..." behind her fur, the mare blushed, "In his more lucid moments, he seems to recount a moment where he was walking by the Royal quarters, and overheard Celestia saying "Now Tornado, remove my crown," then "Remove my vestments..."
Tornado groaned, and collapsed, covering his head with his hooves.
"Figures! All the things that get lost and he remembers that!"
Gasping, Mandarin stammered, "You mean, you and the Princess..."
Rising back to sit on his haunches, Tornado Kicker shook his head, and looked down, his own blush threatening to burn into his cheeks.
"It was when I was younger... Still a sergeant. I was waiting for Celestia, and I saw her regalia... I thought... since I was there..."
Mandarin's eyebrow quirked, and she bit her lip.
"You... thought you'd play dress up..."
Groaning once more, Tornado collapsed again, covering his head with his forelegs.
"She made me pose before she'd let me take it off."
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Hey, how's it going? :)
Anyways, I read through the first chapter of this story, and honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it. I like the imagery and the dialogue, but there are some parts that get to me. For me, the characters range from acceptable to almost unlikable. That Tornado Kicker guy seems to fall more towards the latter. He doesn't have much in the way of charisma, what with how little he knows his daughters, and I don't like how he treated that young crystal mare. Same goes for the receptionist, but then again I tend not to like characters that slap people for whatever reason.
I don't hate this story, but I can't say that I like it either. It falls in some strange limbo between good and bad. I'll keep an eye on it though, just to see if it gets better.
2816883
Its going quite well, thank you^^
Tornado is a member of clan Kicker, a military family going as far back as the Lunar rebellions. Now, while known for the prowess on the battlefield, emotional matters are somewhat out of their reach. As for his charisma, again, he's career military.
And he does know his daughters, but in the clan, its more or less expected to take the concept of "stiff upper lip" and raise it too an art form.
And I don't know if you can understand this... but the stallions in pain. His wife is dead, and sometimes.. well, its not a reason, or even an excuse, sometimes its all to easy to forget others when dealing with ones own trials
whoa dude... this is awesome, first and best cloud free entry ive ssen
hope there's more (or a sequel), these characters seems really interesting, would also like to read about that battle just hope you aren't projecting
2818924
<wings flare out in shock> What? A story posting and it doesn't down voted into oblivion in the first five minutes? What manner of black sorcery is this?!
In all seriousness though, thanks^^ I really put a lot into this one, and hopefully have avoided any major crap ups. When I first posted it, I somehow managed to only post like a thousand or so words, resulting in a story that was half done >.< With flubs like that... feh....
maybe you should add changeling wings... they're really good for alchemy
so i've heard...
from some friend
he wasn't even really friend he was...
ok moving on
Your skills have improved
)
FoxEbony!More to come later. (Hopefully.
BTW, it's spelled Sergeant.
2824340
I know >.< I have no idea why I kept misspelling that
2824735
I can never get Lieutenant right myself. (Don't be fooled. Spellcheck saved the day here.)
OK, so since you asked (also, I think CK-less month is September) I'll pick this apart for you.
First tip: wider variation in word choice. Variety is the spice of life, and also good storytelling. While there are a few exceptions (things like 'is, said, the, s/he, character names, basically words that are there more to give the sentence structure than to communicate information) you're going to want to change it up a lot more than you do. My rule of thumb is not to use the same adjective or verb more than once a paragraph. So let's look at the first sentence here:
This is instantly repetitive because of the word 'walked'. The first one could easily be replaced by a different word, and you could even take the opportunity to establish the scene, a vital part of an opening sentence. In fact I generally like my opening sentences to be short, pointed, and convey something that immediately establishes a character's state of mind or grabs the reader's interest. Think about how differently you would think of "Tornado slinked quietly through the doors" vs. "Tornado strode proudly through the doors". Two very different pictures in your head, right? all 'walked does is communicates "moved from Point A to Point B"
You have kind of a weird tense shift in the middle of this. I'm 99% sure it should be "he'd had"
Run on sentence. You could end the sentence after "doing" and make from "ever" onward a new sentence and it would read more smoothly.
Unless his eyes gave the sign a scathing negative review, they panned OVER the sign. Also delete that comma.
Also run on. Either make the part after the first comma its own sentence or give me a verb like 'wearing' in place of that second comma.
First, either a comma or a question mark after 'yes'. Second, don't use a line break if the speaker isn't changing It can all be on the same line and it'll be a lot easier to follow who's speaking. Actually a lot of the line breaks you use are unnecessary. Try ONLY adding them when you change to a new speaker.
Another run on sentence. You have a lot of these so I won't point every one out in the interest of time, but as a rule if you find you have a sentence with three or more commas consider whether it might flow better as two sentences. Every sentence should communicate a single idea or action, or perhaps a few interconnected ones (ex. 'She picked up the ball and handed it to him, which he took and shot it at the hoop, where it went in scoring the final winning point as the buzzer sounded.' That's bad. 'She picked up the ball and handed it to him. He shot it into the hoop and scored the winning point.' That's better.)
Okay, let's talk about dialogue.
Matilda has far, far too many odd verbal tics here. All the 'sugar,' 'child,' 'boy' stuff. Now it's fine to use a few of those, great way to develop a distinct voice, but you're overdoing it in a major way. In six lines of her dialogue (and again, please please please condense these line breaks. Every time I have to stop and figure out who's speaking it kills any immersion I might be developing.) I counted seven examples. I should have found two or three. Nobody talks like this, at least nobody I know. Try reading it out loud and you'll probably see what I mean, and how they get in the way.
morning's
First, your spell checker thinks you mean Pegasus, proper noun naming the winged horse of myth. That's why it wants to capitalize it. It is wrong, pegasus isn't a proper noun any more than "unicorn" is. Also, kinda blunt with the description, aren't you? Try to find a way to convey it more organically. For example, he's got chalk right? So maybe something like 'a blue coated pegasus stallion stood in front of a chalkboard, muttering as he worked. With each jerky stroke of the chalk a little more white dust settled over him, turning his black mane to a more faded grey color.' Isn't that a more vivid picture?
I have no idea what you're trying to convey with 'dead' here. Something like 'dull?' Please reconsider this sentence.
I'm not really a fan of the [Attribution tag] -> [Dialogue]. I tend to prefer something like 'Tornado smiled. "Would you happen to be Jade?" he asked.' I think it keeps the attention on the dialogue itself which is really what you want.
Stay tuned for part 2...
Part 2...
Run on again, with the bonus of another weird tense shift from present (leaping) to past (pranced). How about '...then leapt up and pranced away.'
Wasn't he already smiling? See, again you're using the same words too frequently and here it's even worse because you're using it in a similar fashion as a similar sentence we read 10 seconds ago.
I do not have the first clue what 'another foal to your' means. Did you accidentally a word?
Also, I'm not understanding why Tornado sees her with such contempt when she seems so pitiable.
Lose the 's'
Sissy's, presumably. Possessive form.
Quiz is a name, therefore should be capitalized.
However 'equals' shouldn't be capitalized. And pfft, that was an easy one.
Occupant's
they're
it's. You're killing me with these typos, they suck all the life out what's clearly supposed to be an intense scene.
You don't need that comma.
Sergeant's here
Wait, this is complete? Why'd you spend so much time introducing those other characters if they weren't going to be important to the story? Also, how long ago is this injury supposed to have been? Long enough for Tornado to go from Sergeant to Commander, but you describe it like these are relatively early stages of healing.
To be blunt, not that great. You're being held back by a lot of technical issues, and even beyond that this story feels somehow too abrupt and padded at the same time. You spend several hundred words introducing these other patients which, while I get they're supposed to add to the atmosphere of the mental ward, aren't ever really paid off in any way. Then the last scene, which should be the meat of your story, has little to no imagery going on. Paint a picture. Show us how thoroughly this particular soldier is broken in mind, body, and spirit. Because right now you haven't given me enough that I feel like I care what happened to him.
2825536
Appreciate the assist^^ Cloud-less two months off, so... still plenty of time to go back and tweak this^^ And most of these ponies are ponies that Tornado has met while visiting over the years. Same with the nurse and doctor.
For now, this ones a rough draft
Not too bad. And the dress up thing, I remembered reading that ages ago. Good times.
3021093
Yeah, its a bit of an old joke^^