• Member Since 15th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Ebony Gryphon


I put on my Walter face on as I get my swag on in my I hate baby ducks t shirt and my Make America Great Again hat.

T

Cloud Kicker and Lero must ask for Rainbow's, Twilight's, and Lyra's forgiveness when they betray them.

Based off a thread prompt by cunning_linguist and set in the Leroverse

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 50 )

Interesting. I'm going to keep an eye on this, but right now it just feels like drama for the sake of drama. It's clear what happened, but the how and why remain foggy.

please keep this going!:eeyup:

2909331
I'll try. Though I think it may be only three to four chapters

Okay I don't hate it yet, that's always a plus. I'm not sure where I stand on this one yet because it's an a/u crossover, which means that it doesn't have to fully 100% adhere to either canon of Winningverse or Xenoverse. I shall wait and see how this all goes down, I'll be able to rate this next chapter for sure... the title is kinda strange though. Anyway, you have my interest for now Ebony, keep going and show us what you got.

2909360
Well, the title is a reference to this
2 Samuel 11:1: 1

Then it happened in the spring, at the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab and his servants with him and all Israel, and they destroyed the sons
of Ammon and besieged Rabbah. But David stayed at Jerusalem.

2 Now when evening came David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance.

3 So David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?”

4 David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; and when she had purified herself from her uncleanness, she returned to her house.

Not exactly the same, but its the same sort of betrayal.

Don't know enough about winningverse so story is a little confusing.
So is Cloudkicker David in this story or is Lero?

2909792
That is an excellent question

2909802
Given the society Xenoverse is based on all the ponies will see Cloudkicker as the David. While Lero might see himself as David.

Pretty good crossover between the lero and winningverse. I have a hard time seeing Lero cheat on his herdmates however I don't know the whole story of how it happened yet.

Hypothesis: Lero used to see Celestia's hair as a reminder of his captors and always called her 'lady.' I hypothesis they were brutally training him to become a servant and he can't help but try to please and be polite. It would give him some extra dimension as well as an obvious character flaw.

2909895
Appreciate that^^ I'm in sort of a Cloud groove as it were. As for you finding it hard to imagine Lero cheating on his herd, how so? Rainbow and Cloud are relatively the same proportions, though Dash may be the more lithe as opposed to Cloud Kickers toned form.

Your Hypothesis: I think someone did a story about that

2909922
Lero was worried about letting twi into his and dash's relationship because he cared about their feelings. He also cares about his herd a lot and puts tons of effort into pleasing them. That don't strike me as the kind of guy who would cheat. I could see Cloud coming onto him and him not being able to resist for said reason but not with what we know so far. Maybe he didn't understand how cheating works in equestrian. Regardless, I'm looking forward to hearing the full story of the incident and its fallout.

And didn't know about a story like that. Might have to read it.

2910175
I know that... I felt like being a dick for a second and toying with you is all^^

2910175
Also... you shouldn't be so shocked. Far too many people have a lapse and end up hurting those close to them.

I feel like the there needs to be some buildup towards them doing the sinful deed.

2910643
True. And I believed it too till my girlfriend cheated on me, I forgave her, then she did it again with a different guy and left me for him. Now I'm more of a unforgiving realist. But that's just me. :ajbemused:

2912538
Ouch>.< That's rough buddy.

I'm going to be blunt: This needs editing. Badly. You've got wrong homophones, a total disregard for possessive apostrophes, and enough ellipses for JRPG dialogue.

Also, bringing in Cloud's family is bringing a lot more attention to the contrasts between the respective societies of the two involved universes than you want.

Also also, this chapter really didn't do much beyond establishing that ponies are sad, and many ponies know why those ponies are sad. Rather transparent attempt at feels induction there. Oh, and the Scootadaption, that's fairly important, given the canon crapshoot that the Shotglasses have become...

All that aside, I'm still looking forward to more. Just don't rush it out half-baked.

2914568
I know>.<

Hmm? How do you mean?

Well... yeah. This isn't an easy thing for anyone, and I kinda want to show more of the process one goes through. And... this is a Dash fic. Dash and Scoots are part and parcel in my experience. Of course, Rainbows not really the maternal sort... luckily, they have Lyra and Twilight to pick up her considerable slack

Considering this is a crossover, it should probably get put into the 'Alternate universe' folder instead of the 'side stories' folder.

It's really not possible to reconcile the Winningverse with the Leroverse, at least given the extremely different depictions of Rainbow Dash and Dash's history. Winningverse Dash is an untrained brawler who relies on raw speed to fight and goes on violent psychotic breaks at least twice. Leroverse Dash is a master of multiple martial arts styles and has worked on self-control because she knows she's physically strong enough to hurt other ponies. With that in mind, a combination of the two has to take place outside of main continuity for either source universe.

2914835
Again, I'm a fan of both. I'd like to pay homage to both, and if possible, remain true to both canon's. And its not a crossover, or at least I don't think it is

This is a 'what-if' story you're writing, so it should be in the 'alternate universe' folder instead of 'side stories. For organization's sake, could you move it?

2914878
My other story was a what if story. This ones more in sync with the main canon and has as much as I am able to under the circumstances remained true to both canons. Ergo, is a side story

2914568
This.

Especially
>This needs editing. Badly.
this and
>All that aside, I'm still looking forward to more. Just don't rush it out half-baked.
this.

I'm not going to thumb up/down yet, but I am interested in where you will go with this story.

2915691
Probably not that much further. Two chapters, maybe three

D48

This is good so far, although I would kind of like to see more reflection on how Cloud Kicker fits into a herd-based society.

:trixieshiftleft:What did sh do!!! plus i never had somthin like dis happen to me cause i never kissed or dated

2932501
Lero was there too you know

2932441
Its really not going to come up in the story, so I may as well bring it up here: the clan are one of the few groups that actively practice monogamy. The reason isn't on moral, but practical and functional grounds: in times of war, its much simpler to keep track of a single mate and a foal or two or three, as opposed to three mares and heaven knows how many offspring

D48

2947584 That does make some sense, and I would guess that polygamous relationships are not unknown, especially in times of war when widows would form herds with other family members because the whole clan could be viewed as an exceptionally large herd. It also helps that there are a disproportionate number of stallions in the guard according to Xenophilia (it is probably the best option for stallions that want to get a bit rougher than the social norm), and I can definitely see the rougher stallions in the guard being more inclined to form relationships with other guardsponies which would make the Kicker dating pool very heavy on stallions and further encourage monogamy.

That said, it seems like polygamy would still make sense with most combat being shouldered by the mares so you would want a family structure that could absorb a few losses, although with the way the Clan sticks together this is already in place on a larger scale.

2947743
Exactly.

As for the second part, monogamy is more of a matter of course. Most practice it, but by no means do all. Also keep in mind the clan "adopts" other ponies of the guard into their clan, both to broker influence and shore up their numbers.

Still hammering out the details on this, so forgive the rough edges>.<

D48

2947897 That makes sense, and let me know if you run into any issues. It frequently helps to get another perspective on a thorny problem like this.

lero is an idiot:twilightangry2: had very good loves and lost by a moment of weakness:ajsleepy::facehoof:

but if I think about it that's part of being human:applejackunsure:

even so the cost can be extremely high:facehoof:

2914862

No, by definition, including the Winningverse take on Cloudkicker makes it a crossover, as does the effort to "be true to both". So this is, by its very nature, a crossover, and therefore impossible to be considered anything but an AU.

If you want something to not be an AU, write something that doesn't radically break from established canon nor include elements from other canons.

-Reads description. Checks likes and dislikes-
Oh boy.
-slips on rubber gloves and starts reading-

3225273
Oh God... as the chorus girl said to the archbishop "be gentle with me"

Interesting concept, but dropping the reader into the middle of a story already in progress is confusing.
Also: Get an editor and pre-reader. I've told you that before and it still applies.

Yeah, this is in crossover territory. Needs editing, but it's still interesting.

3225391
I'll try, but am still wounded from the rage quit of one of the latter did to me recently

3225423
Hmm... also, I was kind of going for that. Too much?

3225434
Look up the Editor's Dreamland group. They are good people. Yeah, the middle drop is a bit confusing, but you've written it to where the reader can get their bearing quickly; so that's good. The only really glaring issue, in my opinion, is the editing.

3225474
I know>.< Its inexcusable, but in my excitement, I sometimes get ahead of myself, and will miss words. Nothing big, nothing you'd think would make all that much a difference, but... well, you've read it.

Oh, and you came back with actual helpful commentary, rather then pitching a major hissy fit over canon, and telling me to hop of the original authors coat tails and into a boiling demon cum jacuzzi in the deepest pits of Tarturus. That always a plus, and much appreciated^^ A moustache for you good sir:moustache:

3225501
Trust me, I've seen far far far worse fanfics than this. The canon vs alt./crossover is a bit of an issue, but I'd go with what our groups major contributors say. Just my opinion. :derpytongue2:

3225339

Just calling them as I see them. If you like, I can explain in a bit more detail over PMs.

3204461
No kidding. Lets go off the checklist: a mare who studied at West Hoof, A Still Way master, a very tempermental mare who is the master of three martial arts, and a mare who first day of school had enough power to turn a classroom of much older and more experienced unicorns into potted plants, and on the same day, became the personal student of Celestia herself.

Lero certainly attracts a lot of very dangerous females

3204461 Its part of being an idiot. It has nothing to do with being human.

3583742 when I saw this story's name first thing that popped in to my name volts war david2therobert

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