I put on my Walter face on as I get my swag on in my I hate baby ducks t shirt and my Make America Great Again hat.
Whenever he is able, despite his trepidation, the stoic Commander Tornado Kicker makes a solitary trek to visit old friends. And every time he returns from his trek, he goes to his office, sits at his desk, and putting his head on it, begins to weep. As a male, he can only cry upon his wifes shoulder, or must cry alone. Nimbus is gone, and makes his duty all the harder. But where does he go?
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Hey, how's it going? :)
Anyways, I read through the first chapter of this story, and honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it. I like the imagery and the dialogue, but there are some parts that get to me. For me, the characters range from acceptable to almost unlikable. That Tornado Kicker guy seems to fall more towards the latter. He doesn't have much in the way of charisma, what with how little he knows his daughters, and I don't like how he treated that young crystal mare. Same goes for the receptionist, but then again I tend not to like characters that slap people for whatever reason.
I don't hate this story, but I can't say that I like it either. It falls in some strange limbo between good and bad. I'll keep an eye on it though, just to see if it gets better.
2816883
Its going quite well, thank you^^
Tornado is a member of clan Kicker, a military family going as far back as the Lunar rebellions. Now, while known for the prowess on the battlefield, emotional matters are somewhat out of their reach. As for his charisma, again, he's career military.
And he does know his daughters, but in the clan, its more or less expected to take the concept of "stiff upper lip" and raise it too an art form.
And I don't know if you can understand this... but the stallions in pain. His wife is dead, and sometimes.. well, its not a reason, or even an excuse, sometimes its all to easy to forget others when dealing with ones own trials
whoa dude... this is awesome, first and best cloud free entry ive ssen
hope there's more (or a sequel), these characters seems really interesting, would also like to read about that battle just hope you aren't projecting
2818924
<wings flare out in shock> What? A story posting and it doesn't down voted into oblivion in the first five minutes? What manner of black sorcery is this?!
In all seriousness though, thanks^^ I really put a lot into this one, and hopefully have avoided any major crap ups. When I first posted it, I somehow managed to only post like a thousand or so words, resulting in a story that was half done >.< With flubs like that... feh....
maybe you should add changeling wings... they're really good for alchemy
so i've heard...
from some friend
he wasn't even really friend he was...
ok moving on
Your skills have improved
)
FoxEbony!More to come later. (Hopefully.
BTW, it's spelled Sergeant.
2824340
I know >.< I have no idea why I kept misspelling that
2824735
I can never get Lieutenant right myself. (Don't be fooled. Spellcheck saved the day here.)
OK, so since you asked (also, I think CK-less month is September) I'll pick this apart for you.
First tip: wider variation in word choice. Variety is the spice of life, and also good storytelling. While there are a few exceptions (things like 'is, said, the, s/he, character names, basically words that are there more to give the sentence structure than to communicate information) you're going to want to change it up a lot more than you do. My rule of thumb is not to use the same adjective or verb more than once a paragraph. So let's look at the first sentence here:
This is instantly repetitive because of the word 'walked'. The first one could easily be replaced by a different word, and you could even take the opportunity to establish the scene, a vital part of an opening sentence. In fact I generally like my opening sentences to be short, pointed, and convey something that immediately establishes a character's state of mind or grabs the reader's interest. Think about how differently you would think of "Tornado slinked quietly through the doors" vs. "Tornado strode proudly through the doors". Two very different pictures in your head, right? all 'walked does is communicates "moved from Point A to Point B"
You have kind of a weird tense shift in the middle of this. I'm 99% sure it should be "he'd had"
Run on sentence. You could end the sentence after "doing" and make from "ever" onward a new sentence and it would read more smoothly.
Unless his eyes gave the sign a scathing negative review, they panned OVER the sign. Also delete that comma.
Also run on. Either make the part after the first comma its own sentence or give me a verb like 'wearing' in place of that second comma.
First, either a comma or a question mark after 'yes'. Second, don't use a line break if the speaker isn't changing It can all be on the same line and it'll be a lot easier to follow who's speaking. Actually a lot of the line breaks you use are unnecessary. Try ONLY adding them when you change to a new speaker.
Another run on sentence. You have a lot of these so I won't point every one out in the interest of time, but as a rule if you find you have a sentence with three or more commas consider whether it might flow better as two sentences. Every sentence should communicate a single idea or action, or perhaps a few interconnected ones (ex. 'She picked up the ball and handed it to him, which he took and shot it at the hoop, where it went in scoring the final winning point as the buzzer sounded.' That's bad. 'She picked up the ball and handed it to him. He shot it into the hoop and scored the winning point.' That's better.)
Okay, let's talk about dialogue.
Matilda has far, far too many odd verbal tics here. All the 'sugar,' 'child,' 'boy' stuff. Now it's fine to use a few of those, great way to develop a distinct voice, but you're overdoing it in a major way. In six lines of her dialogue (and again, please please please condense these line breaks. Every time I have to stop and figure out who's speaking it kills any immersion I might be developing.) I counted seven examples. I should have found two or three. Nobody talks like this, at least nobody I know. Try reading it out loud and you'll probably see what I mean, and how they get in the way.
morning's
First, your spell checker thinks you mean Pegasus, proper noun naming the winged horse of myth. That's why it wants to capitalize it. It is wrong, pegasus isn't a proper noun any more than "unicorn" is. Also, kinda blunt with the description, aren't you? Try to find a way to convey it more organically. For example, he's got chalk right? So maybe something like 'a blue coated pegasus stallion stood in front of a chalkboard, muttering as he worked. With each jerky stroke of the chalk a little more white dust settled over him, turning his black mane to a more faded grey color.' Isn't that a more vivid picture?
I have no idea what you're trying to convey with 'dead' here. Something like 'dull?' Please reconsider this sentence.
I'm not really a fan of the [Attribution tag] -> [Dialogue]. I tend to prefer something like 'Tornado smiled. "Would you happen to be Jade?" he asked.' I think it keeps the attention on the dialogue itself which is really what you want.
Stay tuned for part 2...
Part 2...
Run on again, with the bonus of another weird tense shift from present (leaping) to past (pranced). How about '...then leapt up and pranced away.'
Wasn't he already smiling? See, again you're using the same words too frequently and here it's even worse because you're using it in a similar fashion as a similar sentence we read 10 seconds ago.
I do not have the first clue what 'another foal to your' means. Did you accidentally a word?
Also, I'm not understanding why Tornado sees her with such contempt when she seems so pitiable.
Lose the 's'
Sissy's, presumably. Possessive form.
Quiz is a name, therefore should be capitalized.
However 'equals' shouldn't be capitalized. And pfft, that was an easy one.
Occupant's
they're
it's. You're killing me with these typos, they suck all the life out what's clearly supposed to be an intense scene.
You don't need that comma.
Sergeant's here
Wait, this is complete? Why'd you spend so much time introducing those other characters if they weren't going to be important to the story? Also, how long ago is this injury supposed to have been? Long enough for Tornado to go from Sergeant to Commander, but you describe it like these are relatively early stages of healing.
To be blunt, not that great. You're being held back by a lot of technical issues, and even beyond that this story feels somehow too abrupt and padded at the same time. You spend several hundred words introducing these other patients which, while I get they're supposed to add to the atmosphere of the mental ward, aren't ever really paid off in any way. Then the last scene, which should be the meat of your story, has little to no imagery going on. Paint a picture. Show us how thoroughly this particular soldier is broken in mind, body, and spirit. Because right now you haven't given me enough that I feel like I care what happened to him.
2825536
Appreciate the assist^^ Cloud-less two months off, so... still plenty of time to go back and tweak this^^ And most of these ponies are ponies that Tornado has met while visiting over the years. Same with the nurse and doctor.
For now, this ones a rough draft
Not too bad. And the dress up thing, I remembered reading that ages ago. Good times.
3021093
Yeah, its a bit of an old joke^^