I put on my Walter face on as I get my swag on in my I hate baby ducks t shirt and my Make America Great Again hat.
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In the eve of the burning of the Maresidian, and the disbanding of the clans, Shadow is given the task of acting as ambassador to Equestria's newest citizen, and the transport of one of their young, and after a few days rest at the hold, guarding the human liasons as they walk to Canterlot. Needing some time away from a soldiers life, and a few days with her daughter, she accepts.
Five minutes later, the human foal calls her "Grandma." Its gonna be a long trip...
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Ebony, I thought we'd discussed this. Bringing a human character into any pony fanfiction immediately tells most of your audience to ignore your story (If not outright downvoting on principal) and find something else to read. This is a common thread with all your stories, perhaps it's something worth thinking about.
And don't talk about how such stories do make the feature box, there's a long and boring explanation for that and it's mostly about chance and spite.
3718107
I appreciate your candor and words, but must respectfully disagree with you, good sir. This story has been done in the AU month, and as Chengar gave no stipulations or conditions, I'm free to write whatever I'd like. Secondly, and I may be naïve saying this, I do not think our little group would be so petty as to merely down vote over such a thing. I may be wrong of course, but that's my feelings on the matter.
Again, I appreciate your words, but do not agree. If I have not ruffled any feathers, would you be so kind as to offer your thoughts on area's of improvement outside of "no human allowed"?
Besides, we have to have someone in our group be "that guy"
Um... what the buck just happened?
No, seriously, I read the whole chapter and I have no idea what really happened. Worst of all, I don't really want to know. That's a horrible, horrible place to leave your reader. My confusion stems from a number of things:
1. Your sentence structure is horrendously inconsistent. I don't even know how to tell you what's wrong, because the most suitable answer for that seems to be everything. Try reading more, and maybe you'll better learn what parts of a sentence should go where.
2. Grammar and punctuation. What more needs to be said? Anyone will have trouble reading a story when there's extra commas, commas missing, words missing, and confusion between homonyms such as "its" and "it's."
3: Your dialogue. So many things are wrong with it, but the worst part is that I can almost never tell who's speaking, or who they're speaking to. Use said tags! And learn what an action tag is; it's apparent that you accidentally added those to some lines of dialogue, causing further confusion.
4. Who's who? You never introduce a single character here; you just slap a name on paper and expect us to remember who they are and why they're important. The only character I felt I could keep track of was Shadow, and that's not even your own character! I've completely forgotten the names of every other character so far, as well as what purpose they actually served. That's not good.
There's plenty of other reasons your writing is difficult to comprehend, but those are the big ones, so make sure to work on those. There were other issues outside of incomprehension as well; first of all, you use the ellipse (...) far, far too much in your writing. Restrict yourself to periods and commas for now; once you have those mastered, you can start using things like semicolons and ellipses. Even then, your commas and periods should far outweigh any other form of punctuation.
That's all I can really say... like I said, half the time I had no idea what was going on. Try to follow my advice; I really hope it can help you get a bit better.
Your Rating:
If you don't know, I'm part of a feature called Weekly Watch. This week I'm watching The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group, so that's why you're getting a review from me. No offense was in any way intentional; all I want is to help the denizens of this website to improve. Your rating, and others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!
3739129
Can do^^ And appreciate the assist
3718107
Really?
Nearly all of my stories have a human in it, and I'm fairly sure it's working out well for me.
4823956
He's upset because, aside from this stories numerous shortcomings, I've brought them into an au time of Lunar Rebellion. Chengar superb writing has garnered quite the Cult of Personality, and has gained a few... shall we say verbose fans
3722149
I'm either a devils advocate or tthe groups Jimminy Cricket... also the cheerful butcher of ye olde time english
Well done, very well written.
First, oh sweet goodness CLESTIA IS A TEMPLAR!
Second, daw, so cute.
5772317
Well, first, thank you for your read and compliment
And... well, she's not so much a Templar as she is a mare who wants to protect her subjects, whatever their race.
Ok, still like the book, but it is so confusing.
Where is Arron, is he injured, were the assassins attacked, by who, and whose side is clestia on?
Just tell us in a bit more detail what the hay is going on then this story will get much more interesting
5773413
Forgive for taking so long to get back to you. If you enjoyed my work, you love the original source and its writer
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/77470/the-lunar-rebellion
And if you enjoy this verse, read this stories sequel
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/203956/to-end-the-tyrant-selene
5771180 At first glance I thought it was 35 seconds of clopping, instead of clapping.
6051092
It takes a rare type of pervert to clop to stories with no clop in them
"Oh.... yeah baby... use those nouns! Oh god a run on sentence... I CAME!"