One morning, you find yourself with a horrible headache. As you look over to the woman next to you, expecting it to be someone you've never met before, as was what you're used to, you realize that this is someone you'd never expect. Who do you find?
2nd person humanized. There'll be no love triangles, cheating, or anything like that. That stuff is unnecessary and uncomfortable. Just a simple relationship that happened to have started in an... odd way. Picture by the very talented John Joseco.
Sorry for anyone who read this description before I changed it and gave it all away. I thought it was obvious and that it was entertaining seeing how it all panned out.
Sorry!
P.S. In the story, __ means a character is saying your name. It's a little trick I picked up from a friend.
If you favorite, please leave a comment!
EDIT: Changed the rating to teen. I figured a sex scene would kinda kill the mood the story's going in. So, if anyone favorite this for that, sorry!
Uhh, your stories description doesn't match up to the events of the story.
Either you story description is too detailed, (giving away the surprise) or this chapter stops short.
Personal Opinion: If there's a bombshell in your description that sets the tone for the story, it better be in the first chapter.
I think your off to a great start !!
Hey, I'm not the only one to use _____!
Anyway, like what the others have said, bombshell in the discription kinda kills the mood. But I like it, and must see where this goes.
2927397 Yeah... Now that I think about it, it was kinda stupid to give it away like that.
I think i like it. Go ahead, cap'n!
Da da da dum! Cliffhanger! DO YOU BUY YOUR FRUIT RIPE OR NOT!?
I think your description could have stayed the same if you had just changed the very beginning of the story so that the main character isn't waking up next to someone. Just have him wake up by himself or something. Even with the change, the description still matches up too closely with the beginning, even though the beginning has very little relevance to the story as a whole.
And yes, with Fluttershy in the picture it's entirely obvious who the main character is going to wake up next too. I don't think it's a problem of dropping a bombshell, I just think that the very beginning matches up with the description too closely. (Waking up next to a random women, who turns out to be Berry Punch. Replace her name with Fluttershy and you've got your description right there.)
I like this story. Lets see how it develops further
you have my like and fav
is this story still going? I liked it so far and would like to see more
3000563 Yeah, it's still going. I just have a lot of things to get done first. That, and I had half the chapter written before realizing that it was the complete wrong way to go.
I feel so... So... Hung... Like by a cliff.
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This applies somehow... Just... Just gimme a moment...
Hmmm... He was willing to get drunk with Flutters?
*nods approvingly* that works.
i love this
DUN DUN DUN
Wellp, that happened.
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All I gotta say to him is i.imgur.com/3Usiw.gif
Aw, shit!
AWWW, SHIT!
Weeeeeel someone's In trouble
Well im gonna go hit my head on the wall until another chapter is written.
3034976 Y'know, after you changed your profile pic, it just goes so well with that comment
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3511388 I almost just fell out of my chair.
3511945 i don't like cliffs
To begin, I pre apologize. Im tired and dont like this much. On to my review!
I read up to the flashback btw. The first one. Okay, personally, that school sucked. I think fluttershy is....ill written. You removed most of her shy-ness, consequently removing two thirds of her d'aww factor. The bus scene is just....stupid. Making faces stops being funny when you're 12. Also, that was disruptive and loud. 18 year olds would never act so...young. Unless they just went ''hey lets go play at a water park where everything is for kids". The characters act immature, they seem like 10th graders,I mean, it provides a quick dodge for waking up with strangers, and a little bit of plot, but thats it. I mean, write the characters a little less silly.
This concludes my review of all I read. I know its a whole paragraph, Im sorry. And sorry if I was harsh.
Yours Truly,
DarkAce3459~
4681556 I didn't think it was harsh at all. I like it when I receive criticism. I 'll admit I wrote this a long time ago, almost a year ago in fact. I think I've gotten better. This was my first attempt at comedy and going back... eh. But I'm glad you pointed out all the flaws well. A good example of constructive criticism, which I can hardly find anymore.
Thank you.
Well I like how this story went for at the end of it's last chapter. I know you have gotten back to this in a very long while. I would like to see how would this ends. Keep up the good work.