• Member Since 7th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 1st, 2013

DerpyDash2131


T
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You have a pretty good life. You live in a single bedroom apartment and work as a cashier. Not much, but it pays the bills.

One day you are going about buisness as normal when you come and find.... a rabbit in your house? You venture into your bedroom to find..... Fluttershy.
really bad at descriptions, sowwy . :(


My first fan- fic!

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 155 )

It.... seems rushed...
Realistically, if i found a human Fluttershy in my house, My reactions would be like this.
1. Temporary denial.
2. Dawning realization.
3. Responding normally while actually in shock.
4. Leave.
5. Pass out on floor.
But its good.

Thats what my ed tor said, so i fix that mlmentarily.

The main character doesn't seem to shocked that fluttershy is in his house, other than that think its a great start.:pinkiehappy:~Symphonia of the ThreeBestBroniez

I agree with TheNextGamer. The writing is nice, and it's entertaining to read, but it seamed to be over so quickly. That said, filling your story with useless filler would just hurt the story more than it would help it. It might be better to think what you would realistically do if you found yourself in this kind of situation, as opposed to what you would do in an ideal scenario.

Thanks guys! Honestly, I didnt reread it before posting. Editing jow, new version up soon
love you guys, thanks a ton :heart:

Great start, I just don't like the second person view all that much. But it's good and if you need another editor, just message me. I am currently working o my own fanfic, but I would love to take time off of it and help.

For writing pony in our world stories, think of My Little Dashie. When the narrator first finds Rainbow Dash, he specifically says that his eyes see it, but his brain doesn't believe it. If you found the best pony on your bed, in human form, I bet the first thought you'd have is WHAT THE HECK THERE'S A GIRL IN MY BED. You wouldn't accept it so easily. But, um, whatever you want to do is fine...

1972644Haha, I see what you did at telhe end :) And yes, I just edited it, I THINK it's a bit better; I'm somewhat sleep deprived so I'll finish tomorrow :heart: :pinkiecrazy:

You didn't have any major plans for life, or a real backstory for that matter.
Probably the best way to begin a 2nd person fic that I've ever seen.

I agree that it feels rushed, but not bad for a first fic. Welcome to FIMFiction.

impossible... there are no girls on the internet... they are just myths:rainbowlaugh:

1973004 Haha, thanks. Katie feels welcomed :D ... Cant tell if you were being sarcastic by saying it's a good way to start it...

Done editing, for now at least… Okay, who wants me to continue? :/ Imma post a "yes" and a "no" comment, like "yes" if you want me to continue, and like "no" if you think I should stop writing.

1976218

Okay, who wants me to continue?

So, you ask us for our info(If we like it or not.).
Hmm...
I'll have to say,
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/kevin-approves.gif
Yes.

P.S.
If you need help with chapters, or your stories, I'll be happy to help. :twilightsmile:

1976922 Okay! This is to everyone:


Thanks for the support! :heart: Love you guys!!!

1978179
Always happy to help new writers like yourself.
Remember, if you need anyhelp please, don't be afraid to ask. :twilightsmile:
I will take my leave for now so,
Cheers!
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/well_done_sir.gif

1976217
:flutterrage:CONTINUE THE DAMN STORY!!!!!:flutterrage:

1979652Male. I perfer writing from a male perspective. Despite, being female, I can't see in a females point of view. More of a tomboy, I suppose.


If you'd like, you can say "your" female, but it will make things awkward later on. "You" will realize you're in love with Fluttershy .

1980020Haha, working on Chapter 2 now. The first few chapters will come along slowly, as I am trying to balance Academic Team, Winter Guard, Friends of Rachel Club, attempting to bring my 95% grade average up to at least 98% (I'm a Twilight. I work in my school library and am over achiever. Get over it.) along with FiMFiction. 3 day weekend, will probably have Chapter 2 out very soon.

*SPOILER*

Fluttershy learns to walk :D

Mildly better.
Real me would pass out once I exited out of the room, and maybe accidentally land on the rabbit crap.
But it's pretty good!

1982597 It's only my opinion!
Don't let an opinion or two get you down so easily!
(Heavens knows what happened last time it happened to me with my first fic.)
I would of put a some more "Does not compute" Jokes in there, BUT ITS GOOD.

1982608 Lol, I was kidding XD So far only one person doesnt want me to continue, and 5 do. I'm kinda on the top of the world, as my next chapter will be 20% cooler.

1982619 Need any help with jokes? My delicious toothpaste poisoning makes my mind more crazy and wild than the average human.

Fluttershy is best pony so......good job!:pinkiehappy:

1982630 Hah, I'm your average 13 year old ADHD, physco, possibly insane, pervert . I got jokes covered. PM some crap if you want . xD

1982844 LIES. Rainbow Dash is. :rainbowkiss: RD is used too often for stuff like this.

Before I forget, the way Flutters got sent to Earth isn't too cliche, is it? :twilightoops:

1983044
14 years old, ADD and ADHD, 6 levels of psychotic, 3 layers of Rainbows and flowers, and if tempted right, i could easily kill a goose with a shoe.
I have NO MORALS!

I'm gonna be looking forward to more of this.

Thank you so much for editing this! This version is much more believable than the "OK Random girl seems legit" original. Can't wait for more!

1986240 Old version SUCKED! Uhm... New chapter may be up monday . staying up late to type it, will edit tomorrow, revise and post monday!:pinkiesmile:

Don't be afraid to comment. I read EVERY comment and reply to EVERY comment. I appreciate every opinion. :)

1989255 XD Next chapter will be out soon~

please continue, I'm a 15 year old closet brony (to my parents) who has no life and happens to love fluttershy oh and btw don't change her please keep her shy thank you :pinkiehappy:

1989644 Haha, okay. She'll be kept shy through the whole thing, but will slowly open up, like she has to Rainbow dash.



Oh. I lied. i o nly have 2 paragraphs typed.:twilightblush:

Haha, at least you got some of this story planned out.
I seem to be slow on posting a new chapter for my story right now.
Mostly due to procrastination.

1993056Blame the ADHD/ADD xD
I only have one chpt out, at least you have 3

as long as the next chapter is not all like "hey I wanna kiss you" but I know what you mean:pinkiehappy:

1994686 XD well "you" havent had a girl friend for a few years, so in the next chapter you realize shes kinda pretty. You dont realize you have feelings for her till later on.

I wish they had the a shy fluttershy face:fluttercry::flutterrage::fluttershyouch::fluttershysad:

1994717nao, you will stop giving me notifications so i can write XDDD

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