Making Friends?
Twilight watched as Applejack led the nervous colt over; she couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty at her part in what had happened, despite its necessity. So she decided to do her best to make amends.
“Reiver, Ah’d like you ta meet Twilight Sparkle.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Twilight, trying her best to sound friendly.
“Um….hi,” he replied hesitantly. “Applejack said you were the one who convinced her to get that doctor?”
Twilight mentally winced, if his previous near hysteria was any indication she would have to be careful with her response. She glanced at Applejack for any help she could offer, but the best she got was a nervous grin.
“Well… Applejack came to me first…” she rubbed the back of her neck nervously. “She did tell me about your phobia, but I didn’t want to take the chance that something was seriously wrong with you.”
“Twilight…I…” Reiver hesitated as he struggled to form a response. “I put Applejack in a difficult position, I know my fear is irrational, but sometimes I just can’t control it. I could have been dying and I still would have begged and screamed for you to keep any doctors as far away as possible.”
Stepping away from Applejack, Reiver approached Twilight.
“You took a big risk, and… no one's ever done something like that for me, I…um, I guess what I want to say is...”
He struggled to find the right words, so instead he did something unexpected. Taking a step forward, he bowed to her.
Twilight felt awkward, the only pony that anypony ever bowed to was one of the princesses, and she certainly wasn’t royalty.
“You’re welcome, but I think Applejack deserves most of the credit,” she replied, putting a gentle hoof on his shoulder. “She did sprint across Ponyville in the middle of the night.”
“Shucks Twilight,” replied Applejack. "Ah just did what Ah had to; but Ah might not have found ya’ll if the Cutie Mark Crusaders hadn’t made that ruckus.”
“Either way, I’m grateful for what you both did,” said Reiver, rising to face the farmer. “Applejack, I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. You probably should have just left me in the barn.”
“Now Ah don’t want ya’ll thinking like that sugarcube,” replied Applejack firmly. “Ya’ll were a bit unexpected, but it would have been downright wrong if Ah just left ya to fend for yourself, that ain't the Apple Family way.”
What should have been a touching moment was interrupted by the sound of Reiver's gurgling stomach; he smiled sheepishly causing Twilight and Applejack to start giggling, and then rolling into full on laughter, with Reiver following soon after.
“Oh, Ah really needed that,” chuckled Applejack wiping a few tears from her eye.
“I think we all did,” replied Twilight with a smile. “It was a long night for everypony.”
“Then Ah’d say we need something extra special for breakfast, How’s about some apple fritters, with pancakes and syrup followed by oatmeal with cinnamon and sliced Red Delicious with some cold apple juice to wash it down?” replied Applejack as they moved into the kitchen.
“That sounds delicious,” said Reiver, as he and Twilight took their seats at the table.
“Sorry partner,” replied Applejack. “After last night, best I can make you is some more applesauce.”
“Urgh,” groaned Reiver as he smacked his face on the table top.
“Don’t worry,” said Twilight. “I’m sure when you get better Applejack will let you sample some of her famous baking.”
“Darn tootin',” replied Applejack as she gathered the ingredients. “Apple Family grub is some of the best in Equestria.”
“With what I’m eating, I’ll be sick of apples by the time I’m better.”
“Trust me partner, by the time you're well, you’ll still be craving some of Sweet Apple Acres finest,” replied Applejack, as she started making breakfast.
While they waited for their food, Twilight gave Reiver a proper look over. Applejack wasn’t kidding when she said he was skin and bones, his face in particular looked like it had sunk into his skull. He was wearing the threadbare jacket she had described and Twilight couldn’t help but wonder how Rarity would react if she saw just how desperate it looked.
“So Reiver,” she began. “How do you like Sweet Apple Acres?”
“It’s alright,” he shrugged. “I’ve not really had a good look around yet, but I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far. It’s definitely better than sleeping in a cave.”
“Ya’ll slept in a cave?” said Applejack as she pulled some fritters from the fridge.
“For a while, then the Ursa Major and its cub came back.” He shuddered at the memory, “I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.”
Twilight laid a comforting hoof on his back, remembering the time that Snips and Snails had led the Ursa’s cub into town.
“After that I stayed away from caves for a while,” continued Reiver. “I slept in trees, hollows, even a ruined farmhouse. The days were safe enough, but the nights...” Twilight and Applejack shared a concerned look as Reiver shuddered once more under her hoof.
“It was always quiet, not the peaceful quiet you get here, more like the type when a predator is stalking its prey. All the animals just…stop, then you feel the hairs on your neck prick and you know something is out there.”
He trailed off as he remembered the many sleepless nights he had spent in the Everfree Forest , snapping out of it when he felt Twilight wrap her hooves around him in a comforting hug.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring this up,” she said. “I can’t imagine what you went through out there.”
“Something that I don’t ever wish to re-live,” he sniffed. “Don’t blame yourself Twilight; it’s just that those…particular memories are a bit vivid for me.”
“We’ll ya don’t have ta worry about anything like that anymore,” said Applejack, flashing him a reassuring smile before going back to whisking a bowl of pancake mix. “Yer under the Apple Family’s roof now.”
Reiver looked over the farm pony as Twilight released him, with everything that had happened to him in recent days he hadn’t really considered his situation until Applejack practically spelt it out for him. He had spent weeks avoiding contact with ponies, making sure that every move he made was done secretly out of fear that he would be branded crazy and sent away. Yet now here he was sitting in a pony’s home, having breakfast with two of them no less.
Maybe it helped that initially he didn’t have a choice; he had been, and to an extent still was, too sick to put up any resistance if they decide to take him to a doctor. But when Applejack had brought Zecora instead, he decided to take a leap of faith and trust her.
He had done his best to keep his distance and shut himself off from the Apple Family, but she had managed to get through his defences with a single act. Although he had to give credit to Winona for playing a major part in that one, that dog was more like Rebel than he cared to admit.
Now Applejack may have just risked arrest by arguing with Nurse Redheart, he hadn’t had anyone go out on a limb like that for him in a long time.
Looking over at Twilight as she chatted with Applejack, Reiver thought about her part in recent events. He shouldn’t really be as relaxed with her as he was, given she did convince Applejack to bring Nurse Redheart in the first place, but her actions may have just helped to save his life. Maybe he really could trust these ponies.
“Something on your mind?” she asked him, and Reiver realised he had been staring.
“Sorry, just thinking.”
“About what?”
“…what’s happened lately. It all just seems a bit surreal.”
“Don’t worry,” replied Twilight, “when you’re better, we’ll find a way to get you home.”
“yeah…” he muttered.
“Soups on everypony!” cried Applejack. “A full Apple Family breakfast, that’ll take care of yer hunger pangs.”
Trotting over, she served up a delicious spread that made Reivers mouth water, and then he was brought back down by his own serving of water and applesauce.
Looking at his meagre portion in comparison to the plates of fritters, pancakes and oatmeal, he heard Twilight giggle to his left.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “But you had the most adorable pout on your face just now, I couldn’t help myself.”
“I don’t pout,” he replied, crossing his hooves defensively.
“Partner, if you were pouting any harder, you could give Applebloom a run for her bits,” said Applejack with a few chuckles.
“Urgh…mares, you're all against me,” replied Reiver, attempting to look annoyed, but all that did was make him pout even harder, which caused the two mares to break into giggles.
Digging into their respective breakfasts, Twilight and Applejack made small talk, with Reiver chipping in occasionally, but the meal was mostly ate in a comfortable silence. When they were finished Twilight cleared away the dishes as Applejack and Reiver went back into the living room.
“You feeling better now partner?” she asked.
“Yes, much better,” he replied.
“Well if there’s anything ya’ll need, feel free to ask.”
As Reiver considered her offer, he looked over to where he had fallen the night before.
“Actually, if I could ask just one thing.”
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applebloom wrung her hooves anxiously as she sat on her bed; the image of Reiver’s yellow eyes burned into her mind.
She was terrified when he had caught them, and she fully expected him to turn into a monster right there, but instead of turning into a five headed, six legged, monster, he had collapsed. Then Applejack had come running in and the Crusaders had been whisked away before she could say anything.
Right now she knew that Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo would be more concerned about what their respective families would do to them, but she was far more concerned about those eyes. Even when Big Macintosh took her upstairs to lecture her she barely paid attention, those eyes were all she could think about.
When she was finally alone she had turned all the lamps up to full and hid quaking under her duvet, now it was morning and it was eerily quiet. All she could do was sit there and wait anxiously while her suspicions about the colt ran into the realms of dark fantasy, yellow eyes were not natural and she had only seen them on Discord, the spirit of chaos himself, but her sister and the other Elements of Harmony had reformed him. But that didn’t mean he was the only draconequus in Equestria…right?
She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she jumped at the sound of somepony knocking on her door, only to rush over as Applejack pushed it open.
“Applejack!” she exclaimed as she tackle-hugged her sister. “Ah ya’ll right?”
“Ah’m fine little sis but if ya keep squeezing me like that Ah might not be fer long.”
“Oops, sorry,” blushed Applebloom as she released her.
“It’s okay sugacube,” replied Applejack before adopting a more serious tone. “Now Applebloom, ya know ya’ll are in trouble fer last night.”
“Ah know,” she replied, hanging her head.
“But that’s not why Ah’m here,” replied Applejack. “If ya’ll hadn’t been downstairs last night Reiver might not have been found until sun-up, and he wants ta thank you.”
Applebloom paled.
“Th…thank me?”
“That’s right, he wants ta thank you and yer friends fer saving him,” replied Applejack, motioning for her to follow.
Applebloom hesitated.
“Uh…ya know Applejack, Ah’m feelin a mite tired right now, can’t ah just see him tomorrow?”
“Now Applebloom” replied Applejack sternly. “He’s trying ta be friendly, least ya’ll can do is come an listen ta what he has ta say.”
“But Applejack-”
“No buts Appleboom, ah don’t know what's got into ya lately but ah won’t have ya insulting a guest.”
Knowing she could never win this argument, Applebloom nervously followed her sister downstairs and into the living room.
“Scootaloo? Sweetie Belle?”
To her surprise, sitting on the sofa were the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, with Rarity and Rainbow Dash either side of them. Their faces lit up when they saw Applebloom and they ran over greet her.
“What are ya’ll doing here?”
“Dunno” replied Scootaloo. “Rainbow Dash picked me up from home a few minutes ago, and then Sweetie Belle showed up just before you did.”
“Do you think this is about last night?” questioned Sweetie Belle. “I’m already in a lot of trouble, are they going to yell at us some more?”
“Nothing of the sort Sweetie Belle” said Rarity, apparently hearing the fillies’ conversation. “We are here because somepony wants to thank you.”
“Thank us?” replied the unicorn filly.
“Why yes,” she continued. “You actions, though morally questionable, may have saved a young colt's life, and he wants to thank you for it.”
“Their talking about Reiver,” whispered Applebloom, pulling the other Crusaders into a huddle.
“We thought so,” replied Sweetie Belle. “But why would he want to thank us? We didn’t do anything.”
“Except maybe get in the biggest trouble we’ve ever been in,” said Scootaloo.
“What about that time with Cheerilee and the love poison?” chipped in Sweetie Belle.
“…the second biggest trouble we’ve ever been in”.
“Or the time that-”
“Okay we get it, geez!”
“It’s got ta be a trick,” suggested Applebloom, “Ah tell ya, he can’t be just a normal pony.”
“Applebloom,” replied Scootaloo, “not that I think you didn’t see something, but are you absolutely certain about what you did see?”
“Course Ah am!” she replied, keeping her voice low. “He had yellow eyes; no pony in Equestria has yellow eyes!”
“Should we, you know,” replied Sweetie Belle, subtly gesturing to the adult ponies, who were talking amongst themselves. “Let them know what you saw? They could help.”
“Bad idea,” said Scootaloo. “We’re already in enough trouble, if we start accusing him of something we’ll just get in even more trouble.”
Applebloom stole a glance at Applejack, who was talking with Rainbow Dash about the next Iron Pony competition.
“Scootaloo’s right, if we say something now we’ll just look like we’re trying ta blame him. We need something that proves he ain’t normal.”
“You sure about this Applebloom?” replied Sweetie Belle. “You could have just imagined he had yellow eyes.”
“But what if Ah didn’t Sweetie Belle?” she snapped back. “He could be some kinda Changeling out to take over Ponyville.”
“Don’t you think that’s a bit of an exaggeration?”
Applebloom was about to reply that it was a perfectly reasonable explanation when she was cut off by the sound of the back door opening; looking up, the three crusaders saw Twilight enter with Reiver close behind, the colt looking visibly queasy.
“You feeling better now?” asked Twilight
“Yes, thank you Twilight,” he replied. “I‘m sorry I ran out like that, but better I throw up out there than in here.”
“It’s okay Reiver,” replied the lavender unicorn, gently rubbing his back. “But we’ll need to keep you inside from now on if you want to get better, we can look at something to manage these bouts of nausea after you’ve seen the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”
Looking up, Reiver saw that the three fillies had arrived, along with their respective big sisters. Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash were looking at him with concerned expressions, although he was certain he saw Rarity’s eye twitch at the state of his jacket.
Moving over to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, he failed to see Applebloom take a step back, before Applejack subtly nudged her back into place. Taking a minute to clear his throat he spoke up.
“I’m…um…not used to having ponies save me, there’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever say out loud,' he said. “But from what I’ve been told, if it weren’t for you three I may have been on that floor last night until goodness knows when. I know I was rude to you before, and I really gave just a half-hearted apology…so I guess what I’m trying to say here is…”
He took a deep breath in an effort to relax.
“Thank you, for saving my life, if it’s not too much to ask, could we…start over?”
He offered them a hoof.
“I’m Reiver; it’s nice to meet you.”
They stood there nervously, after their muffled conversation the Crusaders weren’t too eager to come forwards, in fact Applebloom was actively trying to hide behind Scootaloo.
Seeing their reluctance, Applejack gave them a sharp nudge. Glancing back at her and then the colt's offered hoof, Sweetie Belle took the initiative and made a slow step forward. Reaching out, she gingerly bumped her hoof against Reivers' like she expected him to burst into flame. When he did not spontaneously combust on contact, she looked from their connected hooves to his face and scrutinised his features, making the poor colt feel a bit awkward. She was, in actuality, checking his eyes in case they changed like Applebloom said, when they did not, she relaxed and smiled at him.
“Nice to meet you Reiver, I’m Sweetie Belle,” she said, turning to the other Crusaders and waving them forward.
“I’m Scootaloo." Seeing Sweetie Belles approval, Scootaloo bounded forward and introduced herself.
“A…Ah…Ah’m Applebloom,” finished Applebloom nervously, still not convinced that Reiver was safe to be around.
“I’m sorry I was rude to you before,” apologised Reiver.
“No biggie,” replied Scootaloo.
“At least you apologised,” said Sweetie Belle. “I hope you’ll re-consider our offer from before, it would be great to have another Crusader.”
“Yeah,” replied Scootaloo. “It’d be cool to have another pony join us.”
“NEW CUTIE MARK CRUSADER YAY!”
All ponies present were certain they heard a window shatter.
“I’ll…uh, think about it,” he replied, shaking his head in a vain effort to stop the ringing. “Do they always have that much energy?” he asked Applejack
“They do get a mite enthusiastic when they're all together." She chuckled a little at the colt's reaction.
What everypony present had failed to notice was that Applebloom hadn’t been part of that declaration; instead she looked horrified that her friends were even suggesting the idea. She had only brought it up earlier because she thought Reiver wasn’t dangerous, but her experience last night had rapidly changed her mind and the idea had lost its appeal.
“Well, now thats out of the way I think we should introduce ourselves, wouldn’t you agree?” said Rarity, approaching the group of foals.
“My name is Rarity, I’m Sweetie Belle’s sister, and the Pegasus sitting next to me is-”
“Rainbow Dash, the most awesome Pegasus in Equestria!” interrupted Rainbow Dash, gaining her a sharp look from Rarity.
“It’s a pleasure to meet both of you,” replied Reiver, bumping hooves with the two mares. “I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble with my request.”
“Don’t worry my dear it was no trouble at all,” said Rarity.
“Although you did get me up way earlier than I’m used to,” replied Rainbow Dash, which earned her another sharp look from Rarity. “But it means I got to spend time with my number one fan so I can complain too much,” she finished, affectionately rubbing Scootaloo’s mane.
“So, Reiver darling,” said Rarity. “If I may ask, what happened to your garment?”
“You mean my jacket?” replied Reiver, looking over the threadbare item. “It’s...kinda been through a rough spot lately. I don’t know if Twilight told about my previous living arrangements.”
“She did explain you had been, ‘roughing it’, as it were, if you like I can fix it up for you.”
“Umm, please don’t take this the wrong way, but right now I’d like to keep my jacket.”
“But dearie it looks like it was dragged through a hedge-”
“It was, backwards, by a Cragadile, while I was in it,” interrupted Reiver, which caused Rarity to stop talking.
“Sorry,” he replied, suddenly aware of the awkward silence he had just caused. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, it’s just, this jacket was a gift from somepony very important to me, and after everything that’s happened I don’t want to lose it. Please Rarity; ask me again some other time.”
Rarity wasn’t used to her generosity being refused, but from the way he looked at her it was clear that he really didn’t want to give it up, so she backed down.
“Of course my dear, just bring it to me whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you for understanding,” he replied with a yawn.
“Tired?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Just a little,” he replied.
“I hear that, getting up that early should be a crime,” she replied.
“Rainbow, it was ten o’clock in the morning,” said Twilight.
“Like I said, way too early,” replied Rainbow offhandedly, which got an exasperated groan from Twilight.
“So, you lived in the Everfree Forest huh?” continued Rainbow. “What made you decide to move in with Applejack?”
“She wasn’t trying to eat me on a regular basis.”
Yet another round of silence.
“Uh…” stammered Rainbow Dash as she awkwardly rubbed her neck.
“Sorry, but those aren’t pleasant memories for me Rainbow Dash.”
“Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s alright,” he replied, waving her off. “You didn’t know, but my answer to Rarity should have tipped you off.”
“Indeed,” chipped in the white unicorn. “You should have been more considerate Rainbow Dash.”
“Alright, geez I already said I was sorry,” replied Rainbow.
“So Rainbow Dash,” said Reiver, deciding to change the topic. “You uh, said Scootaloo is your number one fan.”
“That's right!” she replied, grinning at Scootaloo, who returned the gesture. “I’m even teaching her some of my skills, you know, so she can be as awesome as me.”
“No pony is as awesome as you Rainbow Dash!” replied Scootaloo enthusiastically.
“Yeah, I know,” she replied.
Reiver rolled his eyes; Rainbow didn’t lack confidence that was certain. It was then he realised the room was still rotating and he had to steady himself on the nearest pony, which happened to be Scootaloo.
“Uh…you okay?” she asked.
“Not really, the room is a little wobbly, if you don’t mind I think I’ll lie down for a bit.”
“Come on, I’ll take ya ta bed,” replied Applejack.
With a few goodbyes to the assembled ponies, including a promise to Rarity that he would let her fix his jacket, Reiver allowed Applejack to take him upstairs to the guest room.
“Ya’ll going to be okay sugarcube?” she asked, tucking him in.
“I’ll be fine Applejack, but thanks for asking.”
“Okay, but if ya’ll feel any worse then you just holler and Ah’ll come running,” she replied. “Sleep tight now.”
With one last look at the colt as he settled down, Applejack slipped quietly out the door. In the silence that followed Reiver adjusted himself under the covers and waited for sleep to claim him.
“That went well I think.”
Reiver jumped out of his skin as a voice shattered the calm, looking around desperately he tried to find its source.
“Over here mate, on the wall by the chest of drawers.”
Following the instructions, Reiver scanned the wall before his eyes spotted something near the base. It was him, or rather a representation of him made up of the natural knots and patterns that made up the wood grain, and it was smiling in a rather disturbing manner.
“Wha…who…?”
“Still the master of conversation I see,” replied the image as it moved along the wall. “Hopefully you won’t cut me off like you did last time, although I suppose my little show may have been too much for your small mind.”
Reiver snapped out of his stupor, had that thing just insulted him?
“I thought hallucinations were supposed to stop after you splashed cold water on your face?” he replied.
“Under most circumstances yes,” replied the image, idly inspecting one of its hooves.
“Then you have to be a result of Zecora’s potions!”
“Zecora’s potions don’t cause hallucinations; at least, I don’t think they do, then again would you believe me either way?” it replied, this time testing it’s hooves on the top of the skirting board. “Couldn’t you have found a mirror or some other reflective surface? I don’t like being all knotty,” it complained.
“We’ll I’m sorry, we can’t all be picky about how our fevered mind chooses to torture us” he retorted.
Apparently ignoring the last remark, the strange image walked along the wall and disappeared behind the chest of drawers, only to ‘climb’ up onto the beds' headboard, its appearance changing to resemble a pastel painting.
“This isn’t quite what I wanted but it will do,” it said taking a seat opposite Reiver. “Go on, ask the inevitable question?”
“I would, but I think I’ve already figured you out.”
“Oh,” replied the image nonchalantly. “Then please, enlighten me.”
“After I dunked my head on the sink, I assumed you were a hallucination, but what you just did just proves that you can’t be a produce of my fevered mind because there’s only one being in Equestria who can pull that off. Furthermore, for my reflection you don’t act like me at all. So therefore you have to be Discord, he’s the only one who likes to mess with ponies like this,” replied Reiver smugly, only to be surprised when the image began to laugh.
“Discord? Really, that’s your answer.” It replied, laughing hard. “Sorry mate, but I’m something else entirely.”
“Wha…but...you have to be Discord,” stuttered Reiver. “You're messing with me the way he does to everyone around him.”
“Mmmm, you do have a point, I may need to get a new schtick,” said the image, tapping its chin as if contemplating Reivers answer. “But that still doesn't make you right you know. He's 'reformed' now, still a jerk mind you, but reformed none-the -less.”
“But, if you’re not Discord, then what exactly are you?”
“No idea,” it replied flippantly. “I think I’m you, but then again, you could be me, I remember things about your life like I was there, but at the same time I know they aren’t my memories. I know things about this world, just like you, and it feels like I‘m part of Equestria, when I know I can’t be. All I can say for certain is that I didn’t exist until you looked in that mirror the other day.”
“So I created you? That sounds a little far-fetched.”
“Mate, you’re in a magical land of talking ponies where mythical creatures are the general fauna and two princesses raise the sun and moon on a daily basis,” it replied with a raised eyebrow. “If anything this is next season’s pilot episode.”
It began to pace back and forth in front of him, almost like it was in deep thought.
“Which brings us to your current dilemma of returning home, you could always ask them for help, but then again that would mean explaining to them that you’re a-”
“Stop!”
“-human being.”
“Urgh,” groaned Reiver. “Do you have any idea what could happen if that gets out? This is the town that freaks out over a zebra in a cloak!”
“So?” it replied casually. “Why not tell them?”
“It’s not that simple, how would you react if a ten year old colt suddenly said "by the way I’m actually a twenty seven year old alien from another planet where your world is a fictional show for children".”
“And young people,slash,adults,” it finished.
“Yes, point made. But tell me, how would you react if somepony suddenly told you all that?”
“Hmmmm, I would probably invite him over for tea, it would make an interesting conversation topic.”
“That’s not the point!” retorted Reiver in frustration.
"So what is the point?" it replied. "Make them believe you, there is car full of evidence currently wrapped around a tree that can back up your claim."
“Yeah, and if that information gets out what then? If I don't tell them I’m safe, safe from doctors, safe from harm, safe from him! If you really have my memories then you must remember he was in the car about to pull my head off! If he finds out where I am he might decide to come back and finish the job!”
“Ah yes, I can see why he would be a problem, especially in your current predicament,” mused the image.
“I’m just lucky that he wasn't in the car when I woke up, hopefully whatever brought me here vaporised him.”
“Even so, just what are you going to do should he ever surface?”
“I…I don’t know, I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.”
“Hopefully before he burns it down,” replied the image as its ears pricked up. “Somepony's coming, I suggest you get some sleep.”
It turned and began to walk away; shrinking like it was walking towards the horizon.
“Wait, what should I call you? I can’t keep thinking of you as some sort of hallucination if you’re really a living being.”
The image turned its head, and smiled slightly.
“I guess you’ll just have to figure that one out, after all I was just born yesterday, you could always think of me as you’re conscious, but that’s a little cliché, I’m really just here to add a little bedlam to your time here.”
It paused.
“Bedlam, I like it. Reminds me of our mismatched friend, call me that, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go before somepony thinks you’re crazy.”
When Applejack pushed open the door a few minutes later, it looked like Reiver was sleeping peacefully. What she couldn’t have known was that the colt was silently wondering if he really was crazy.
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im gussing that it should have been bedlam
that want semes wrong
thats all i found
Ran it through my spellcheck (U.S. version), and turned up 6 missing apostrophes and 9 misspelled words. In order: aint, Reivers, tootin (all three are missing apostrophes), defences (should be "defenses"), realised (should be "realized"), Draconequis (should be "draconequus"), sugacube (should be "sugarcube"), feelin (missing apostrophe), Applelbloom (extra L in there), Appleblooms (missing apostrophe), scrutinised (should be "scrutinized"), apologised (should be "apologized"), vaporised (should be "vaporized"), someponys (missing apostrophe), Bedalm (should be "Bedlam").
Regardless of these relatively minor errors, it's a good chapter, and I'm enjoying the story as a whole so far. (Though now I can't wait to find out what's up with Reiver's past and that nutcase who was trying to kill him when he wound up in Equestria.)
Until next time...
Anon e Mouse Jr.
YES! A NEW CHAPTER!
I love this story. I still wonder how this Bedalm is. Is he maybe a little/big brother from Discord? And how will the others react when Reiver's secret get exposed? Will he have to go to School?
don't need that comma.
Don't need the quotation mark after Applebloom and missing a comma.
I'm
Apostrophe instead of a quotation mark at the end.
Extra quotation mark at end.
apologized
Bedlam
I like how you tried to adress the car full of evidence thing, but didn't really do it. It was basically,
Bedlam: "You have that car full of evidence to make them believe you."
Reiver: "If I tell them, they won't believe me."
...
Bedlam: "That's not a proper rebuttal, mate."
The stuff that came after, about not wanting to be found by whoever came with him, was good, but you might as well just take the evidence thing out or change it.
Bedlam: "You have that car full of evidence to make them believe you."
Reiver: "Yeah, and what if that information gets out? What then? It doesn't matter if ponies believe me if he finds out where I am and comes to finish the job!"
These updates may be few and far between, but they don't disappoint. An interesting little hint as to how our friend reached Equestria, as well as a possible antagonist.
One quick question. Discord is evidently sealed in stone still, and Apple Bloom is aware of Changelings, so does this take place between season two and three or during season three?
4521674
. There is a reason I like people proofreading my stuff first, because whenever I do it I'm liable to miss things like that.
Thanks for pointing out those errors, especially the rebuttle bit. I cant believe I did that,
4521477
I'm english so I'm using the UK spelling, but thanks for pointing out what you did, I completely missed my mistake with Bedlam's name.
4521529
Maybe he will, you'll just have to stick around and find out.
4521716
I have it taking place after Discords reformation, but before Twilights ascention. I've changed the dialogue slighty to reflect this as I do intend Discord to make an appearance near the end of the story. This why I need a proofreader, I miss stuff like this.
4523070 Understandable.
Until next time...
Anon e Mouse Jr.
I suggest checking your possessives.
'You're' stands for 'you are'. You're crazy, for instance, means 'you are crazy'.
'Your' is the possessive, something you own. 'Your consciousness' is the consciousness that belongs to you.
Hopefully that helps you figure out which should be which.
I can edit and pre read cause he went AWOL straight to china.
4540305 You would be such a lifesaver if you would, pleeeeeease.
4540753 sure!
4546807 YAY!
4547005 hooray!
4547074 I'll PM you the next chapter when it done, and thank you once again!
4547116 sure!
I'm really late to getting around to this but here you go:
“replied Applejack” should be followed by a comma
Check your quotation marks
Why is that semicolon there? You also wrote “Applejack let” instead of “Applejack will let”
Wrote “your” instead of “you’re”
Should be:
“For a while, then the Ursa Major and its cub came back.” He shuddered at the memory.
“He shuddered” is an action tag, not a said tag, so it should start its own sentence.
Missing a semicolon
Need a comma
Need a comma
That’s not a question, so it shouldn’t have a question mark.
I really don’t think there should be a semicolon there
Note the extraneous “s” tacked on the end of Applebloom’s name
You put a comma after the word "explanation" that shouldn't be there
It would make more sense to move that semicolon such as to make the line read:
"Applebloom was about to reply that it was a perfectly reasonable explanation when she was cut off by the sound of the back door opening; looking up, the three crusaders saw Twilight enter with Reiver close behind, the colt looking visibly queasy."
Missing the word “were”
Missing an apostrophe
You should start a new sentence after the quote
Ellipsis have three dots, not four or five
They’re, not their
Should be "colt's," not "colts"
You should start a new sentence after the quote
Missing an apostrophe
Introductions are taken care of so it’s time to move on to the introductions?
(I know what Rarity means, but it's still awkward.)
Why is that comma there? If you want a pause, use an ellipsis
"Yet another round of silence" should be its own sentence.
There’s no reason for that comma to be there
Missing an apostrophe
Missing an apostrophe
Should be “its,” not “it’s”
Missing an apostrophe
Should be “its,” not “it’s”
Forgot the apostrophe in “Someponys”
Should be "your," not "you're"
You're missing the second single quotation mark.
Should be "colt's," not "colts"
ditto
Also, I counted three places where you forgot to capitalize "Ah."
4622442 Thanks, I'll look it over and make the corrections.
applejack constantly saying ah instead of I is annoying. in the show she doesn't do that as she occasionally says I. it would be great if that would be the same here,
anyway love this way the story is progressing.
4699569 Thankyou,
the 'Ah' thing was the only thing I could think of to bring across her accent.
4700446 you could say
y'all (you all)
yah (you)
th' (The)
verb+in (verb+ing)
ta (to)
'em (them)
even with these you still have to follow the limits and try not to use them every time.
these are just some and you don't have ta use 'em if you don't want to.
thanks for writing the story and please don't stop
4700446 how goes the next chapter i hope it comes out soon im very excited
4762151Its coming along, I had a bit of bad luck lately as I got let go from work so Ive been devoting some of my time to job hunting. But I should hopefully have something soon.
4764193 oh I hope you find a job soon. Good luck
4764220 Thanks man
“NEW CUTIE MARK CRUSADER YAY!”
All ponies present were certain they heard a window shatter.
Since when did the Crusaders learn the Royal Canterlot Voice?
I KEEP seeing things like this in your storyw 1a746, care to explain?
4857059 Between the time they tried to get their cutie marks in being princesses, and being heralds.
Really wish this new thing had just been a one off joke about him hallucinating. Actually making it a character just made me wish the scene would end so the good parts of the fic would come back. Although that just makes the next part kind of funny, because he brought up that great point about all the evidence he has to prove himself.
Well, Reiver apparently doesn't know what context means.
And he's apparently lost all common sense as well.
He does realize that with all the evidence he has he could quickly prove his story to them, have them (and the princesses as well) helping him find a way home while keeping his past a secret, and have the protection from one of the strongest magic users in the series, both princesses, and the other elements of harmony as well, right? He does realize that not saying anything about (what I'm guessing is) a crazy person following him into Equestria might get other innocent ponies hurt because they had no idea about the potential threat, right?
Ugh, the entire last part of this chapter has just irritated me from how ridiculous he's acting.
*tilts head* Hm.
... Am I the pre-reader mentioned above? Have I been gone for that long?
4865648 No your not, I did have a other pre-reader but lost touch. Thankfully everyone here was great and helped me edit it post publish. Glad to have you back.
Mismatched person, . . . Discord!!
4862685
I blame his colt sized brain.
So, he was in dire straits when he arrived, and its only gotten much much worse along the way it seems. Things are getting more interesting.
so, when they are going to ask about his parents?
4862685
4888357
Ditto. Child sized brain and brain chemistry is probably doing a number on his emotions 'see his phobia of doctors' if not his mental faculties
So much back story. I LOVE IT.!!!
Amen, The only good morning is one I sleep through.
You know who else has yellow eyes? Scut Farkus, (AKA that one bully from A Christmas Story).
Not true. Dinky and Derpy have yellow eyes. and so does Discord, but he dosnt count as a pony
"we can look at something to manage these bouts of nausea after you’ve seen the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”
Well that's just rude, the CMC aren't ugly after all!
5787815
Additionally in a child the neurons in the brain don't have fully developed glial cells, making information travel much slower than in older brains. Especially in the frontal lobe, making decision making much less effective.
It is really nothing bad, but sometimes I would like some of the main chars to prove them wrong.
I don´t like that very much, his second voice, because now it looks like it is more than his imagination.
The second thing is, I´m not that happy, that this story seems to be interrupted by another Villain, that is after his life. While that isn´t your fault, I´m getting a bit tired of the fact, that in nearly every second foal story, there is a Villain that is after his life.
And Rainbow doesn't have a laugh at that? Or anyone else maybe? Huh. I found it hilarious!
Too many commas, not enough periods.
Near the end there... "your conscious" = "your conscience"
They're
I would recommend changing to
“I’m…um…not used to having ponies save me. There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever say out loud," he said.