One day when Twilight comes home from a party she goes to check on Spike to see if he was ok, but Twilight finds him laying in his bed crying because of some kind of pain not like normal, heart broken, pain something else. Can Twilight help Spike?
(Inspired by My Little Dashie
by ROBCakeran53)
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Interesting story. I will track this for now.
Er...
Okay, I'll be honest - you really need to work on your writing. A lot.
For a start, the characters' dialogue was very robotic and emotionless.
"Hey Twilight can I go out side for a while please."
"Yes just remember be in by 8:00 pm have fun."
I'm not reading this in the characters' voices. I'm reading it in my own voice, and I can hear that it's very monotonous and boring.
". Spike jumped up and down He was happy he got to go outside and talk to every pony He ran out the door to the cutie mark crusaders's tree house as he got closer to the tree house he could hear the crusaders talking about how they can get their cutie marks."
This is one sentence. A single sentence with no commas anywhere. Otherwise known as a run-on sentence. Please try to incorporate commas and full stops into your sentences. Also, what's with that period at the start of the sentence? That shouldn't be there. Purge.
"spike as read the sign that said closed preparing goodies then he looked at Pinkie pie."
First of all: Spike. Pinkie Pie. Capital letters for names, remember.
Also, it would help to put the writing on the sign ("Closed: Preparing Goodies") in speech marks/apostrophes. Otherwise it gets mixed with the narration and it makes things a little confusing.
"sure Spike come on Spiky wikey time to make some goodies for every pony What do you want to make first?"
Again, run-on sentences and lack of capitalisation.
The whole Rainbow Dash sequence was incredibly out-of-character (relatively speaking, since, honestly, everyone was uncharacteristically robotic). Especially this line: "Please be careful he is my only true friend."
Sure, if you don't include, you know, Twilight and them lot...
"don't you every get tired of it?"
Ever. Not Every. Proof-reading, ladies and gentlemen!
"The acid in his stomach made the cupcake diegest"
... Eh?
"are you ready for the best party ever!"
That's a question. Therefore, it should have a question mark. Not an exclamation mark.
"bubble bath's"
No. No apostrophes in plurals. Never, ever, ever.
"he desided just to go ta bed "Ugh I don't feel good I'm just going to go ta bed" Spike said as he got in his bed."
So... much... redundancy... and why are you saying "go ta bed"? It might make sense in dialogue (you know, dialect and all that), but you've used it in narration, too.
Sorry if this comes across as a little harsh. I don't want to discourage you from writing, rather I want to help you improve. (It's basically the opposite.)
Have you given Ezn's writing guide a read? It provides some useful pointers on writing style and grammar.
... Annnnnnd I'm realising just how long this flippin' comment is. Still, hope it helps!
This story seems interesting.
Wow... Just wow... I'm going to follow this, but I'm thumbing it down. Curiosity, that's what got me, you have that now. Improve, write better, and I await your next chapter.
2843577 sorry not that good at typing and writing story's
2843753 No need to apologise! I'm not reprimanding you; I'm simply offering you advice and constructive criticism. I do tend to sound a bit harsh, but that's just how I am.
And by no means am I saying that your story is bad. There's certainly potential here - it's just the writing that needs improvement.
2843577 I'm with you about Rainbow's scene. Tank is her one true friend? And Twilight and the rest of the Mane 6 going to Canterlot for a party while yet again Spike gets left behind? Just another example of how everypony treats Spike.
Erm.. I'll read it when you fix the grammar. Sorry.
ehhh....i'll give it 3 mustaches
Amazing story. Keep up the good work
Over all a pretty good story, if I may suggest something? Please hire a proofreader...
Poor Spike.
2849193 do by chance know any one?
Dude, you could use a LOT of work on your punctuation.
2885093 sorry I am looking for some one that can help me with that
Nice story so far, but the punctuation mistakes are kinda making it off putting
sorry
2885104 I don't mind helping you
2884998 Oh my gosh! I can't wait until part 3 is up
2892109 ok thanks
sorry part 3 has not been up I went to vidcom and comicon I will get it up to read soon
2885104 I could possibly help you Russ
3120912 thanks ash
I am dying to see more!
That is very cold of Twilight and the others to wait until morning to go see Spike at the hospital, and then not even worrying about Spike, except for Twilight.
Poor Spike, I hope he is truly okay.
Is English not your native language? Have you never read a book? Jesus, this is terrible.
3253169 I'm working on my punctuation
3253729that is all we can ask, also please continue.
Dat grammar
troll.me/images/omg-rage-face/the-horror-.jpg
Dude this whole thing is a massive run-on sentence
3252903 I don't think so it is a sad story after all.
This is a Really sad story so far (I cry really easily btw) I love it only thing that needs work on is punctuation but rather then that it's good
3376102 thanks
Part 5 Is almost ready everypony
Oh wow.
You're right, this is even better.
3543949 See what i mean
Hello everyone sorry the next part isn't up my internet was down/gone for a really long time I will get the next part up soon Promise
So when's the next chapter
4782380 I'm hoping really soon I've been really busy with a bunch of other stuff and plus my internet was down for a long time
Hello Everyone I know it has been a super long time since I've done anything with this story I'm going to take it down and then remake it so I hope you all will enjoy the new version when I get it up!