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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Man...I read this like a year ago.
Honestly surprised to see this stretched from a dom clop thing into a novel lengthed romp.
Cudos for still updating man....
Quietly arrogant and ever more brutish, Done still hasn't had a plan go badly enough to discourage him from continuing... but he keeps coming so delightfully close to fireballing. Held my breath multiple times on this one and it was a pretty straight-forward plan! Great chapter (except for some minor word choice issues I personally had) and I continue to look forward to what comes next.
(And congrats on making it through your chapter rewriting difficulties!)
Sort of got his claws into higher society now, it seems, or at least his hoof in the door. Interesting.
I actually love reading about the plots and intrigue more than the clop.
Turns me on.
img.pandawhale.com/post-19832-Olivia-Wilde-and-Stephen-Colbe-r4qf.gif
And now we wait painfully for the next chapter...
6173214
With any luck, the next two should arrive relatively quickly. This break shouldn't be too painful.
I just absolutely love the atmosphere in this fic, and it's especially thick in this chapter. The locales, the food and drink, the high society; it's all so fun to read.
The events of this chapter were nerve-wrackingly good. Very cool to see Done starting to move up in Manehatten society. I like Citrus and Platinum, can't wait to see where the story goes with those two.
Wow, you made it feel amazing the room and feel of the story tone with the Richies. clearly you are a master of the art of making a stories area feel amazing.
And this is why this is arguably the best story in this fetish. I could name maybe three others at most where the underlying story is anywhere as good as this one. Not to mention the exquisite humor.
How exciting~
I believe this is the first time Done has so blatantly used a mare and then threw her away. Brutal.
Shimmer has a very bad influence on Done Deal...
Nice job. I do like how you listened to the comment I made. I was surprised about the oranges have martial problems. To be honest, Mr. Orange had that coming to him. Great job. Thanks for the update.
6177865
Well, not quite. There was Lightning Dust. And most of the other PC mares. Downdraft especially was taken, her life remodeled as Done saw fit, and tossed at Torchbearer.
I'm not denying the possibility that she's a bad influence, mind you. Only mentioning that this isn't exactly unprecedented for Done.
Oh... Oh my. This was truly delicious reading throughout. Our gentlecolt is treading some dangerous grounds, but he seems to be aware enough to do so with acceptable risk. He plays the social game--with a few hacks, mind--well.
The best part though, was the last few paragraphs where a scattering of elements seen throughout the chapter came together in a truly masterful fashion. Even if Done didn't realize whose article of clothing that was to begin with...
Iinnttereessting! A big move with a big payoff! I also feel as if a lot of pieces were added to the board all at once. I'm very interested to see what big and little things that happened in here will come into play later...
6171894
Thanks. I'm kind of surprised it turned into this too. <_<
6172161
I didn't make it through them so much as I went around them. >_>
6173214
As Fable mentioned, the next one won't have such a delay, and neither will the one after it. The one after THAT, I might need a short break, but I'll ride the momentum as long as it holds out.
6173306
Funny thing is, Platinum wasn't planned at all. I included her on a whim, to have a pony giving Hyacinth a hard time, and decided to run with it. She's going to have a significant part to play, now.
6174560
Funny you say that! I always feel like descriptions of areas are lacking, but that with certain exceptions, they don't fit well in first person.
6174771
High praise, thank you!
6177865
If it helps any, Lemony Gem is NOT upset about how things turned out. That's basically what she was trying to get into the party to accomplish on her own; she just wouldn't have dared to aim so high. That doesn't change that yes, Done used her for his own ends, but Lemony didn't exactly go home unhappy. It's possible she didn't go home that night at all, in fact.
6180945
Those last paragraphs, and the "splat" of the shawl, were the most enjoyable parts to write. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You're a long time reader, but a quiet one, so for a chapter to have warranted a remark from you makes me happy.
6181186
Yep, quite a bit got set in motion here. The story was long overdue to start moving again, and it finally has.
6178868
Smoke's Manehattan isn't nearly as nice as canon MLP's Manehattan. Lots of unhappy spouses, and ponies in general there.
6187530 Think what you will and say what you will but you made over 10,000 words feel like so much less. the air felt high and a over all very filling story, maybe you should to a story sometime on high socity so many people cant capture the air correctly, the feel of snobbish and political death, as well as proper feel of the richer folk, people can get old nobles easily they were far more varied but the type of rich in this that fills cities like that are exactly how you had it.
(sorry am still a little geeking out here haha, feels so good to read a chapter or story that captures how i see most richie riches.
6187600
That's because it is much less! FimFiction can't count! The actual word count on this chapter is 9,748! The whole story so far is 151,913, not 157,326!
anony.ws/i/2015/07/10/Capture.png
...man, hard to believe this would only be 435 pages as a paperback.
Has it already been three months since the last chapter? Time fly’s by fast. This chapter, however, was absolutely worth the waiting. It was rather story-heavy chapter, despite the inclusion of two short sex scenes. Not that I really mind, because it's always nice to see Done using his brain to influence things in his favor. And his plan plan of discrediting Mr. Orange. with the smoked champagne was both smart and subtle .
I’m not sure what to make of Lemony Gem. We don’t get much information about her, but I’m assuming she’s a Gold Digger. Probably not a very good one (or a very desperate one) considering her that "plan" to get into the party was basically “Pretty, please?” What seems a bit weird to me is that Done explicitly told her to make a good impression and then suddenly changed his mind and drugged into making out with Mr. Orange. I guess he just saw an opportunity and acted fast. Hopefully she wasn’t just a one-shot character.
So Platinum Pendant… Attractive mare… Owns a large expanding business empire… I think we all know where this is going. The only questions are when and how.
Mr. Orange is portrayed in a rather unlikeable way, but that’s understandable. We’re supposed to root for Done . If the Oranges had been portrayed as happily, loving couple Done would’ve lost a lot of sympathy. But since Mr. Orange rather tactless flirting resulted in his wife having a drinking problem Done’s actions don’t come across as evil: The marriage probably would’ve ended in a disasters anyway and thanks to him almost everyone ends up better than before.
However, there’s a small thing that bothers me about this. Granted, we haven’t really seen much of the Oranges in the show but it’s still hard to imagine him as a bad husband. Maybe it would’ve been better to use some OC’s instead? Or perhaps Main Event, since we’re supposed to hate his guts?
6223611
Oh? You really think dealing with Platinum would be that easy for Done?
Besides, someone quick on the draw, who has no reason to spend time with him, and who is surrounded by far too many eyes is pretty much the third-worst possible target for the Smoke, after Princesses/Discord and [spoilers]. Someone would notice that something's amiss.
Mane Event could not be used here for reasons that will hopefully become evident later.
That said, until Mr. Orange walked into the Tall Tail, he wasn't a bad husband, and that happened years after young Applejack left. People do change far too much over time. Furthermore, the Oranges have been established as old money that had connections to Done as far back as The Fixer; dropping in an OC that was born into urban nobility and has been frequenting Done's operation but that somehow was not commented on until now would be much like dropping in Shining Armor in the season 2 finale, something that Distant Gaze and many others have notable objections to. The Oranges are established presences within the story, and were underdeveloped enough in the show and enough time has passed that they could be characterized as befits the story's need.
In short, they were the best viable fit, even if they aren't necessarily the most perfect choice in a vacuum.
6229627
I never said it would be easy, just that it's going to happen eventually. ;) She is a named female character who's neither to old nor to young. The odds of her not having sex with Done or getting smoked and having sex with somepony are pretty slim.
6229627
Isn't Mane Event in the loony bin?
6233790
In the chapter, it was stated that Main Event was only in the loony bin for a night, and when Done found him in the asylum, he was on his way out.
Ya know.... I would throw a mare at you concerning this story... But i highly doubt the smoke would even phase her.
6253316
I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean the smoke wouldn't work on her, or just that she wouldn't object to it? If it wouldn't work on her, that doesn't fit in smoke canon. (Also I'm not currently accepting OCs, on account of still owing multiple chapters from last October. )
6253616 combination, can work on her, i just highly doubt he's potent enough (going on logic hes as strong as sombra or slightly more so). My little OC is chaos magic user, who is just about as hard to kill as Discord would be (not as strong as him, just as hard to kill) and her inner chaos would easily reple it if she wasn't letting herself be controlled.
Even if he did it would end badly due to who she is. In hear soul is the psychopath that she's a reincarnation of, taking hold of her mind would free him, and trust me he would kill Deal long before he noticed the shift.
So yeah, bad idea no matter how you slice it. Meh, could always throw you Silver Pin (possible rename pending) if you ever open back up, hell she would probably be will considering her personality.
Edit: October... Faust... Bite off more than you can chew much?
6253813
Hokay. Backing up from the potential clash of headcanons and relative power levels here, in the Smoke universe, it's unlikely that this would work. The Smoke does not require mental contact. The Smoke is not imparting orders. The Smoke enters the pony's mind and calms it, makes it receptive, without the pony noticing. There is no active attack to defend against, there is no demanding control. There is nothing to repel. It's just an insidious corruption into their mind. Chaos would be of little use repelling that. At best, if resistance was possible, it would be measured in minutes or seconds. This may be different in your headcanon. But that is how it would play out in this story.
Unlikely. It is the Smoke's nature to corrupt all it touches, mind, body, and soul. If a psychopathic personality emerged while under the influence of the Smoke, that personality would likewise be put under, made unable to move freely, receptive to Done's words, and attracted to him. The Smoke is not a standard magical influence, it's a force of unbridled corruption.
it is a bad idea, but not for the reasons you imply. The tone of Smoke is low-key, limited magical influence, and minimal additional magic systems. The ink on the page required to introduce and explain chaos magic, explain that reincarnation works in this world, and explain how a soul can get trapped and woken up inside another body would take up half a chapter or more of exposition, for the purpose of a one-off character that clashes with the tone and character of the story is most likely not worth it. If she were given a place in a PC chapter, chaos magic, souls, and similar things would be glossed over in favor of her personality traits, there would be little difficulty putting her under, and she would likely not be a recurring character so as to not to delve too deeply into various headcanons regarding magic. If this displeases you, I apologize, but that's the nature of how the story works.
Two down chapters down, five to go, one other outstanding obligation interrupting progress, two immensely displeasing events that have soured him on the idea of future polls, zero presently outstanding grudges, one editor obtained. That poll was eventful, to say the least. If you would like to see that drama unfold, feel free to look through DG's archived blog posts, but discussion of that event, and any further discussion of OCs not immediately relevant to the story at hand, should probably be taken to PMs, please. Thank you.
6254379
PM won't work to well with me, I'm on a phone and it tends to wig out on the PM page.
This makes no sense in the least, to corrupt a mind would require it to be aggressive in some way due to the fact it changes how they act.
Does not require mental contact yet it enters the ponies mind.... Yeah, that doesn't contradict itself in the least, sorry for being snarky.
This smoke, no matter how you word it, is still magic or using some form of it. Due to such, it is able to be repelled. I've talked to people about basically god level powers before, even a god has a weakness and the same goes for every power.
The key word is corrupt, to do this it must be possible to corrupt the target. Yes dark and chaos corruption is different, but that then leaves you with a power struggle. The Psycho i can guarantee is not going to be controllable, he is already corrupted by both darkness and chaos, his original self is gone and he is nothing but a force of destruction. In short, there is nothing to control, the only reason i call it a soul is due to the fact i can not find a proper name for it. In truth i should call it a force not a soul i guess, it does not live in her body it exist around it. If the force were to notice her mind changing in anyway it would crush what ever is doing it to her.
As for the rest you said i can understand and agree with, i just had to add this due to how i feel about this OC due to the fact she is one of my original 3 that i first made and based on an aspec of my life (no not exact 'me' but a part of my life). I hope you can understand my points i was trying to make and I'm sorry that i couldn't do this in a PM.
Edit
Smoke (I'm assuming you mean the story) is low-key & Minimal additional magic systems i understand. But limited magic influence? Explain please, cause to me this sounds like your saying the smoke is barely doing anything, which would be a drastic understatement.
6254622
This is why I requested that you not clutter up the main comments thread with discussion of OCs. People tend to get defensive about their favorite OCs, which can quickly devolve into an argument of "But my headcanon is right!" "Nuh uh, my headcanon is!". If you would like to continue further discussion, please wait until you have a non-phone outlet to the internet to reply to my PM.
That said, this last bit is on-topic and I will reply to it here:
The limited magical influence is because Smoke is the only magical element that truly shapes the story. There are no police units capable of sniffing out corrupt magic on the street, there is no mind controlling magic outside of the Smoke itself that Done could give his girls access to, and unicorns have been more or less limited to applications of telekinesis and illumination throughout the story. Done's not going out and buying something like the Alicorn Amulet to give Bruises a massive TK boost, or dealing with the threat of one of his girls being controlled into acting against him, or going out and seeking a precognitive or whatever. In short, while the smoke has a large influence on the story, other magical elements are more or less barred from affecting the plot. In other word, limited magic influences.
6255644 ah, that makes sense.
>She’d banned both herself and her husband from The Tall Tail to save their marriage.
>I was bringing them back to end it.
-This... doesn't exactly sound good ? He wants to end 'it'... their marriage ? If that's not want he meant, then this wasn't written clearly. I'm in the impression that what you really meant there was ''to end the self-imposed ban'', yes ?
As I said, might want to do a quick clarification there, to avoid confusion.
>And call me Citrus Zest, Done. I never did want to take his name.
-...so, in this odd turn of event, and fanon, AJ is cousin to which one ? The Mr.Orange, or Zest(under the Orange name, back in the episode) ?
>The greatroom-cum-ballroom
-The what ? Room-cum?-room ? Is that right ?
>the alderpony’s wife
-Just saw this small error, 'elder'.