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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Now I'm really curious to see what Shimmer's plan is, and what Primavera did to Day Planner. Very excited for the next chapter!
Also, like you said, this chapter gave Day a lot more personality, she's certainly up there on my favorite characters list now.
Love this story ^^
The funny thing about this is that when ever Day Planner said anything about Primavera. I can only see that Done Deal makes Primavera smaller and a "Loyal" pet to Day Planner so she can have her revenge on her. From what I can take that Primavera did something rather nasty to Day Planner when it comes to a business or a personal side. If I had to take a stab in the dark, Primavera was Day Planner's first boss and she abused her both mentally and physically. Again it's only a guess on that one. If I was right on the money I can totally back the whole Primavera a pet pony idea I said earlier.
Speaking of Day Planner, I can understand why Deep Tissue's issue about the smoke. Course Done Deal saying he used it on her. Was one of the dumbest things he's done so far under his control.
Now with that said... Can't wait to see what happens next.
Oooh boy, that was close. Deal's first near-'leak'.
Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't immediately zap Deep Tissue with an 'Absolutely Loyalty' clause after what she did. Even now, Deal only has an extremely loose level of control over her. His only influence is that she enjoys making him feel good, nothing more. I'd say she's the weakest link in his operation right now, considering how much she knows.
Loved the chapter. It's nice getting some character development for Day Planner, and the added adrenaline rush of that narrowly avoided disaster was great.
Holy shit though, no release for months? That is torture.
5321553
Well, his only direct influence. You're forgetting the party where if Done goes down, Day's almost certainly going with him, one way or another—and as this chapter establishes, that's not something Deep's okay with. While she is probably the weakest link right now, she's no more likely to bring down the organization than Desert Rose would.
And then there's this:
The Smoke seems to do more than just meets the eye. Who's to say Done's direct commands are the only influence the Smoke has on her?
In related news, that scene is now my single favorite in Smoke. Exploring the effects Smoke has on a pony, reactions to it, and its hidden secrets seamlessly during the single tensest moment the series has had so far? Sold. And to think Distant originally wanted to just cut Deep out of the chapter entirely...
5321553
If Deep were some random mare off the street who found out and started hurting him, god help her, but Deep's been an employee for months now (don't forget, he owns her massage parlor). Done cares about her, both as one of his girls and in his smoke-twisted possessive way. He's inclined to fix the problem if possible. That doesn't mean there won't be ramifications, though.
5321623
Also this. Remember my old, old blog post on how the smoke works? It's inherently corrupting, and victims end up attracted to Done, whether or not that's his plan. Deep wasn't primarily crying about Day while she hurt Done, and she actually remarked in the passion of the moment that she hated it--hated hurting him.
>both sisters in the same room
>no incestuous threesome
5322738
You know, that was planned at one point. I'd always been going to give Day her moment, and originally, I'd been going to have Done recondition her with the smoke, so she could get off if Deep was involved, but that walked really close to breaking my own rules about how the smoke works, and would've fit a PC chapter much better than this one. This just seemed to work. That said, Deep is on Done's bad side right now, Day mentioned in her journal that she needed to find a way to thank Done (after the next chapter), and Deep is going to want to make things right with Done before long...
5322760
deliver a foalcon chapter and this will be my favorite fic ever
That was well worth the wait! The story is holding up so well, I remember that at some point I believe Day Planner made a comment about how she was jealous that she'd never been 'taken' by Done Deal in the same way Jade & Strawberry were. These little things make it all worth it :)
I'm glad you decided to keep rewriting until you knew the chapter worked! Looks like you got a prereader at just the right time too, to help you work through it.
5323350
Glad you enjoyed it. Little details like that make me happy, too, and I like when they're noticed. The bit about Redheart checking the spot on the floor was going to be one of those, too, but Fable felt it was too vague, and in that case, I was inclined to agree, especially since it's much less consequential than the offhand reference to jealousy.
I'd call Fable an editor much more than a pre-reader. His feedback is very structured and professional, rather than just opinions of what worked or didn't. In any case, I knew when I sent him the original chapter that it wasn't up to snuff. I didn't need him to say that. His feedback, however, was invaluable for getting it sorted out, and making it a strong chapter instead of just a not-bad chapter. As he noted, I cut Deep Tissue from the first draft he received, because she didn't fit at all. Going for a two chapter split was my idea I think, but he absolutely did recommend Deep Tissue's return, and that seems to have been the right choice. The chapter is unquestionably better for his input. It was also fun making him go, "Damn," when he read the scene with Deep Tissue freaking out. <_<
5322817
Foal definitely doesn't fit the story where it is. I have no personal problem with it (I have no personal problem with anything, as long as it's fictional), but foalcon is controversial enough that if I were going to include it when the story is darker, I feel like I would've had to put that in the warnings from the very start. Sorry to disappoint.
5324226
ok
Once again you show that you don't just get your upvotes for the clop. As frustrating as it is to have to wait again for the next chapter... bringing in this whole chapter about the consequences of Done's smoking instead of just moving along with the plot (hur hur, "plot") quickly was definitely the right decision.
I've seen clop stories that go several chapters without any of the promised material and you really just want them to move on and get to it. This story is one where a "normal" chapter wouldn't stand behind the other ones in any way, and you put these scenes into almost every one, anyway.
I also like how you convey the emotions in your characters. Whether it's just subtle hints or something as obvious as a crying mare, you seem to pull it off perfectly all the same.
I'll salute your writing skills, Sir.
...then I'll impatiently wait for the next chapter.
P.S.: I realize that this chapter brings up another point, too. It might be because Deep hasn't gotten smoked quite as badly as some of the other girls, but apparently they can go against the smoke, they just normally don't want to. Deep didn't like hurting Done, but obviously it's not so bad that she would stop in a pinch.
5328969
I can't pile major problems on Done yet. Some significant ones (he still doesn't have a contractor to fix the theater), yes, but as long as this story is, it's still early in terms of the point in the narrative. Something like this both let me provide a valuable look at how things can go wrong, and put a bump in Done's overly smooth road (even if it wasn't very big). It also provided an opportunity to show Done's twisted perspective. He left the bedroom irate over Deep Tissue's "uncalled for" behavior. Considering that Done had tampered with her sister's mind, it wasn't uncalled for at all--that's what the combination of smoke and power itself has done to Done.
Early on, someone commented that I don't have to put clop in every chapter, and I replied that I like my porn with a side of porn. I definitely know what you mean by wishing an author would get to the sex already. In fact, that's a large part of why Smoke's earliest chapters are so short. I've never taken to fanfics as a reader. I've tried a few, and I'm just not really into them. I did used to read the EMCSA all the time, though, and I really favored stories in the 3-4,000 word range, because I knew the author wasn't going to go on and on without getting to the point. People seem happy with Smoke having a fair ratio of plot vs. plot though, so this is how it's worked out!
Thanks. My subtle stuff needs work though. Too often I resort to "looked annoyed" for example, instead of describing the look. I'm glad that hasn't been an issue for you.
Working on it. As I mentioned after the OC vote fiasco, I can't afford long breaks anymore. Too much owed to too many people, and I need to get to where I can work on those.
It does depend on how heavily smoked they are, but it's more about what the instructions were in this case. All Deep had was that she loves making Done feel good. It was really, really upsetting her to hurt him, just from that. I love sleeping in, but I get up for work all the time, without the sobbing. I'd say that's a pretty significant effect, given how little Deep was exposed to smoke. The main thing, though, is that she was never told "you'll never hurt me," or "you'll never disobey," because 1) Done didn't imagine he'd need to say such things to someone who, at the time, was just a random masseuse, and 2) He really doesn't see himself making a bunch of obedient slaves. Jade's behavior kind of turns him on, kind of annoys him, and kind of worries him. If Day suggested smoking all the girls into total obedience tomorrow, he'd refuse, for a few different reasons, but that doesn't mean he couldn't. For example, Jade would never turn on him. She sees herself as his, lives to be useful to him, and would never choose to impede him. Bruises, corrupted as she is, would never turn on him, though obeying certain commands could break her heart and spirit (not that Done would ever choose to issue such a command if he had an alternative. Going "against" the smoke is a matter of several things, but it's absolutely possible for a victim to be completely incapable.
This is honestly one of the best 'clop heavy' stories I've read, maybe not in verbosity, or detail, or raw size, content, or update speed, but it definitely wins with some quality and inspiration XD for one, most don't bother with the whole 'consequences' element when it comes to mind-fuck, and I love that it goes way further than just 'hur-dur, brainwash + sex = yay' XD...
Aaaand, I kindof have a 'thing' for management themes, clubs, kingdoms, gangs, empires, bases, cities... Oh god, I'm mayor mare *cries*