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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Huzzah! Triple updates
Fun fact: I have a list of banned words. "Someone," "Everyone," "hand," "foot," that kind of thing.
Unfun fact: I forgot to run Nine Stitches and the Vinyl chapter through that list. Out of universe nouns should be fixed now. >_<
Oh boy triple update seems like Christmas came early this year
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It was going to be a much, much bigger update, actually, but Thursday I procrastinated when I meant to write all day, and Friday I drove 110 miles for lunch, after waking up late from writing until 6am when I finally got in gear Thursday... I was aiming for two to three times this much. <_<
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I flagged the story dark for a reason. <_<
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Because Done offers full medical and a great 401(k). (RRSP, for Canadian readers.)
I'm sure Mr. Deal can find some way to... "encourage" Mr. Event to lower the asking price of his venue. Though whether or not that will make for an interesting story, I can't say. I think this fic is more fun when he can't always have it his way, and when happy accidents occur.
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It's important for powers to have limits in order for fiction to stay interesting. Done has a ton of power at his hooftips already, but believe it or not, I am playing by very specific rules (and even within those rules, DD doesn't always want to use his power to its fullest extent), for exactly the reason you mentioned: Things aren't interesting if his power opens every door for him. If that made a good story, I'd have him fart smoke all over in chapter 1, and get a thousand likes by having every subsequent chapter just be door to door sex. No, you're quite right; that's not fun.
In the case of chapter 13 here, sure, maybe his power could get a sale (or maybe not, chapter 14 is the first time he tries it on a stallion, and that's not done yet!)--but what then? How could he pay Starlight's staff long enough to keep it open? What about taxes, maintenance, and so on? Shows at Starlight would bring in money, but he'd have to get there first, and hope they don't flop after the chaos in the chapter. No, if DD wants a concert hall, he's going to have to make the right connections.
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And that's why you're the writer! :D I'm glad this story is in such capable hooves.
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>he tries it on a stallion
Oh? Does that mean we might be getting some M/M?
My god, you are a genius. Half way through the chapter I thought you'd lost your marbles, it was only at the end I realized what was happening in that concert hall. Just... wow
Sweet mother of Celestia, that was HOT.
I couldn't have asked for more from that Vinyl idea, that music-induced orgy was glorious. Especially after the dark events of Deal's gang raid in Chapter 11, this felt like the perfect celebratory high note.
Seeing so much of Parapet in this last set of chapters was awesome, I'm loving her character. The whole Gentle Giant attitude she has is adorable, not to mention how excited and passionate she gets about things. Seeing her fangirling over Vinyl Scratch was great.
Nine Stitches was an awesome chapter, I didn't mind the lack of clop at all. I loved the action, the whole thing played out really well and felt exactly as epic as a fantasy gang war should be. I hope we'll be seeing more of Desert Rose later, especially if that little aside from Done Deal about her "learning about the smoke later" is any indication. Having a competent agent in Manehattan's underground in his pocket would be a huge asset to DD right now, just as he's beginning what appears to be a more direct ascent to power.
You didn't go into too much detail when writing the combat, but I think it fit the story well. I loved the way it all played out.
Thanks for the triple update, Distant! It should be interesting to see what DD does about that Starlight venue.
Oh, and one more thing: could DD pop open the latest edition of the Manehattan Times in the next chapter? I'd love to hear what the local news media says about the epic orgy that just went down. Just a thought.
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Sorry to disappoint, but while I totally support M/M relationships, I don't feel like I could do M/M justice, either taken seriously or as erotica. For all of my various kinks, I'm straight, and I'm just not capable of seeing the appeal in other males. M/M sex squicks me. I realize that this kind of puts me in an unfortunate stereotype, of the straight male who finds F/F hot and can't handle M/M, but I just don't see anything attractive in other males.
If I thought I could fake it in a way that does it justice, I'd try, but any M/M that might appear in Smoke would be acknowledgement of an M/M couple, without delving into the relationship or sexuality. I feel like LGBTQ suffers enough without me acting like a hamfisted poseur. Readers who want M/M content deserve good quality stuff, and I can't deliver. I'll try to look for openings to be at least a tiny bit inclusive ("The entire audience writhed with the music and with each other. Nopony denied anypony else’s advances. Age, gender, looks, none of it seemed to matter to the mares, stallions, and donkeys below."), but don't expect "real" M/M content from me. Sorry.
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I'm not familiar with Boardwalk Empire, but clearly if it bears any similarity to my story, it must be completely awesome.
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Credit where it's due: I'd have involved Vinyl at some point, and I'd still have made her the wild type, but the idea of corrupting hardware to cause an orgy was NovemberWolf's submission from the first pure clop contest I did, about six months ago. At the time, I didn't feel it fit Done's level of power, but things changed after he corrupted Bruises physically. Granted, I can take credit for the execution here, and for the on-stage antics (he suggested taking Vinyl backstage), but the original concept was November's. Being my first follower, even back when I used the "greentext" ID and sent chapters of Blank Sheet to LightMask for publication, paid off a bit. I held his suggestion all that time. <_<
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. Nine Stitches was actually written after Vinyl's appearance, so the "celebratory" note hadn't occurred to me, but yeah, I actually kind of like looking at it that way.
Bruises was always planned to be an important character, but never the "co star" she was for Vinyl's appearance. But, readers seem to love the silly girl, so the old "give the audience what they want" rule applies. Where it doesn't hurt the story, or unreasonably short change other important characters, I'll try to give Bruises her time in the limelight.
Rose and Whittle will be appearing in the future. And that's all I have to say about that. ...where's my Forrest Gump emoticon?
There wasn't much to go into with Done's fight, and that did get some detail. With Bruises, I don't feel it was relevant. What mattered to the story wasn't an intense battle scene with Bruises versus seven ponies; it was Bruises being able to hold that many without much trouble. I could've delved into how she fought, absorbed hits, and smashed opponents, but that wasn't the focus of the scene, much less the chapter. Stretching it would've slowed the pace of an event that was supposed to start and finish inside the span of two minutes, and would've added to what was already the longest chapter in the story. Detail belongs where it matters. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun (And you all thought I was just some uneducated hack.)
Maaaaybe. I'd really love it if FimFiction had a "related materials" thing, sort of like DA's Sta.sh. It'd be a convenient place to stick the bit of fan art I've received, the image I commissioned, character outlines, and... newspaper articles. I've really got to make up my mind on some external location for Smoke stuff that can't go here.
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I've got no problem messing with nice OCs, if I'm accepting OCs at all.
Dang, Cant double thumb and star. also I so want to see Vynal again in another chapter or two somewhere down the line.
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FiMFic does let you embed images into a story, I see it constantly in Chatoyance's work.
I can’t tell you how happy I’m that I found a story that satisfies my MC fetish AND has an good plotline. With Done Deal you gave us a protagonist that actually deserves that title: He has an longterm goal that he pursues and for a guy who uses mind control to make mares sleep with him, he is actually kind of likeable. Not like so many bland, almighty Gary Stus that do nothing else but having sex with hundreds of interchangeable women.
Another part of what makes the story interesting is the female cast. In a lot of stories they are even more boring and bland than the already very boring and bland protagonist, which is quiet an achievement. The fact that I actually know the names of the mares in this story and their distinctive personalities says a lot about the quality of Smoke.
So congratulations you just got a devoted fan who eagerly awaits what else you have in story for Done Deal and his growing number of employees.
P.S.: There’s something I need to ask you. Was Sombra just another decent guy who became a victim of the Smoke or was he already a big meanie who willingly used the smoke to gain enough power to conquer the empire?
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Maybe not, but you're welcome to try! Uh... I mean, thanks.
It's possible that there'll be some "interchangeable" characters later, but that certainly won't be the focus, and I won't be devoting much ink (many pixels?) to it. As with my explanation of limited description of combat below, if it's important that it needs to happen only because it's what would be happening, rather than because it's important, it's not worth much time, either on my part or the reader's.
Like you said, interchangeable is boring. If one character would do as well as another, then the author should ask if they can just use the first one, and better establish them. Even the mares who have one big scene (Lightning Dust, Vinyl, etc., though they may make reappearances) and then vanish ought not to just be filler. I redid Lightning Dust's chapter because even as a "throwaway," readers justifiably complained.
Thanks. Your timing was magnificent. Smoke is my first fanfiction, not counting Blank Sheet (which is just converting LightMask's green text into real prose), and I haven't yet developed a thick skin--I got all these nice comments below (thank you nice comments people!), but today also brought in two dislikes, and I couldn't help but go, "Aww... all those hours." Let that be a lesson to readers. Upvotes and comments, even quick ones, are great for helping writers you enjoy stay motivated. (And yes, I realize I'm foolish for even batting an eye at 224/20.) I hope you continue to enjoy what comes, and if you haven't read my other story (Also MC themed), please give it a look!
That's a secret for early in season 2 of Smoke. <_< I've got three major arcs planned. Not counting pure clop chapters, which can mess with length, we're around half way through the first. I'm calling them seasons simply because realistically, each chapter feels more like an episode to me than a normal literary chapter.
So that was the surprise you told me on Skype.
That was not what I was waiting for o.o
Yet, liked it anyway.
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No, that was just why I asked if she'd like Vinyl Scratch's music. The surprise is going to take time, and should be much more like what you were hoping for. I just need to work through what's already in front of me: The other PC chapter from the OC contest, and a plot chapter (that's going to feel like a PC chapter, honestly, but it'll set an important chain of events in play). Then the surprise, or the last minute OC submission I got. I haven't decided on order yet, but your surprise is less work, so I may just get it out of the way, and save the other OC submission for the break between Christmas and New Years, when I'll have lots of spare time.
Short version: You haven't seen your surprise yet, but it'll be way better than Strawberry's little scene in Vinyl's chapter.
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Yeah, but given the nature of the story, I want to be able to present NSFW images. At one point, NSFW images were allowed in only two places: NSFW stories, and NSFW blogs. When they banned NSFW blogs, they said NSFW images weren't allowed, but neglected to specify if NSFW stories were still an exception.
Plus, fan art of a given character shouldn't be something people need to hunt through every chapter to find. For images in a story, I'd rather use images that illustrate the chapter.
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Well, you can always add images to a chapter after the fact if they illustrate a scene from that chapter particularly well. I didn't realize there was ambiguity about NSFW images in NSFW stories though. Perhaps inquire with Knighty?
Sometimes this Story needs a comedy tag!^^
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I've actually thought about it, but there's no humor in the first four or five chapters, and comedy certainly isn't the focus. I'd hate for someone to come thinking Smoke is meant primarily as humor, only to be disappointed. Still, I definitely do try to stick some humor in, and I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Welllllll…. if you want more comedy in the first chapters you always have the option of letting Done buck a stalagmite.
Just kidding, please don’t hurt me.
Ah, getting blasted by three chapters in one shot~ I'm feeling as invested in the plot as I was in the fetish-y premise that this started out with, can't wait or more! Also, I really appreciate all the playing with their teats, I don't see nearly enough of that.
I got some suggestions for improvement, if you want my two cents. At the beginning you had Deal read the letter that what's-his-face sent him, you should italicize the text in order to distinguish it from Deal's first-person narrative and make it easier to read. I also noticed that you use 'vagina' enough times for me to take note of it, interspersed throughout the chapters. 'vagina' is such an unsexy, clincal term. There's lots to choose from, like 'pussy', 'mound', 'sex', 'folds', 'cunt', 'hole', 'quivering insides', etc. You just gotta make it match the tone of your writing.
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It was italicized, grr. Fimfiction eats my formatting. I'll try to remember fix it when I get home. As for terms for lady bits, complaint taken. I'd been a bit better about it earlier in the story I think (you mentioned"folds," which is one I've used in the past), but I find a lot of the standard terms unappealingly crass, including some of your examples. Nonetheless, you're right about overuse of one term, and there are some I don't wrinkle my nose at, and ways I can write around the issue as well. Thanks for the criticism, honestly. When politely offered with the honest intention of helping, it's absolutely welcome.
Nice job with this chapter, really made me laugh good job.
I wonder if Done is going to try to use the smoke for more violent purposes, like making someone jump off of a cliff or something, it'd be pretty scary if he gets to that amount of control
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If he's able to put them under the effects of it, there aren't many cases where it'd be worth it to kill some one--if they're in his power, there are better uses. It's probably a situation where he might at some point be able, but wouldn't do it. Besides, walking an enemy off a cliff doesn't make for an exciting read. I've got a responsibility as the author to make it more interesting than that.
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It's kinda crazy to imagine how long ago that was.
But, as they say, good things go to those with the patience to wait!
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Please promise me you'll never use the word "sex" to refer to genitalia. It's a blatantly obvious mark of either bad writing or a parody, of which this story is neither. Honestly, I don't even understand what the complaint is about here. I felt like your word choice throughout this story has been remarkably mature and reflects well on the sort of intelligence Done Deal possesses. You don't need to resort to purple prose to get your point across, and indeed doing so would greatly detract from the story.
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I'm about 90% sure I've done that already, in an earlier chapter. Use of the word sex for genitalia is one that bothers me less than some of the more vulgar terms out there.
I actually do understand Sako's complaint. If nothing else, it's a word variety issue. My difficulty as the author is that while I agree with him that I'm using one word too often, I agree with you that some of the synonyms are best left behind in junior high.
In either case, though, it takes more than a vulgar synonym to hit the purple prose level, and that's one thing I just won't do. In the absence of examples of what he found good, NeverClever's complaints that my erotica was just "Ikea porn," and that "everyone" wanted a good mental image always came through to me as requests for hyper descriptive purple prose, and I'm just not down for that. Whatever word I may use for lady bits going forward, the level of prose is going to stay about the same. No "quivering magenta soldiers" will be "penetrating the velvet beachheads of maidenhood" or anything similar anytime soon. Nor will I be selecting my terms from the Bloodhound Gang's "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" anytime soon (even if "ham wallet" and "squish mitten" do make me laugh).
What I took from Sako's suggestion was just that I'm overusing one word, and while there's room to disagree on which words are suitable, I think we can all agree that, carefully chosen, a handful of synonyms will help. I don't just use the word penis nonstop, after all.
Why am I writing this on my phone when I should be getting out of bed and getting ready for work?
3568787 So wait, you're the one who wrote the whole 'hypnotize ponies into fucking me' story? The same one where Pinkie caused a town-wide orgy just outside of Sugarcube Corner? If so, I applaud you, good sir. Mindless clop it may be, but it's damn well written.
Also, quick question. If you were accepting OC's, how would we know?
Oh, and before I forget. How long did you spend planning this story? You seem to have things running together quite smoothly; no contradictions or plot holes (as far as I can see) and from your reply, it looks like you've spent some time working on stuff ahead of what you have or haven't already posted. (Sorry if this doesn't make too much sense. It's 3 am and my brain's already in shut down mode.)
3675578 Links to the stories you mentioned? I don't seem to recognize them and sound like they're quite worth the read.
I just realized the speakers caused the orgy cause of the smoke