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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Great chapter, loved seeing Done reminisce about the old times in the Tall Tail.
This line made me sad, also a good reminder that despite how well-intentioned Done is he still robbed mares of their free will.
Another one, right in the feels.
Also, happy birthday, Fable! Thanks for making Smoke even more awesome!
Omg this story keeps on getting more awesome with each chapter <3
6320324
Take that, feels! Fable actually played a larger than usual role in the content of this chapter. Ordinarily, I'll consider his opinions, but if I like what I wrote, it stays. Given that he requested the chapter for his birthday, ages ago, I was willing to accommodate pretty much anything as long as it fit. He actually had me tone down the blows to the feels in more than one place, to keep the party more lighthearted. <_<
6321774
Glad you think so, and thanks for the praise.
6322795
Blows to the feel are good. Killing a happy moment with drama, repeatedly, is not.
-X- is happy. The promise has been fulfilled... 2 years later, but still fulfilled.
Woo! Finally got a spare moment to read the new chapter.
Loved watching the interactions of all Done's mares. Really great work on the dialogue, it flows very well even with so many characters (something which I understand is not easy at all to pull off). It's also always nice to get a bit more background info on everybody.
Also, did Deal at the beginning mention he has a sister? I can't recall Deal's family ever being mentioned in the fic. Now I'm interested in seeing what his family are like, do they live in Manehattan?
Oh jeez, Deal.
I'm not sure if 'Primavery' was a typo or not, but it's pretty cute.
Now after this chapter I feel like I need a drink! I'm pretty darn thirsty now.
This was just... Pleasant. All the way through. It also made it abundantly clear not only how large this cast of characters has grown, but how much they've grown while we've read their stories.
For a tale that started out relatively small in scope (at least to my recollection), this chapter demonstrated the profound degree to which the story has evolved.
6322795 and 6323452, you just keep doing what you do. We couldn't ask you for more.
A recurring minor character that is male and has a name? What madness is this? There can be only one logical explanation for this: He one of the characters for the planned gay chapter.
First of all, congratulation on finishing your longest chapter so far within such a short time Distant Gaze. I hope you’re spare free time hasn’t suffer too much from it.
You did an amazing job with all the characters. Every pony had his moment and none was left out. Not an easy task considering that we’re talking about 11 characters. It also shows how much effort you put into establishing them as individuals. Each of the characters has distinct and recognizable personality. We also got some small but interesting backstory tidbits. Things like Done having a sister, Deep once being a shy filly or Pirouette working at a casino.
Personally, I think that this chapter benefits from the lack of clop. Everyone having a good time and sharing laughter’s without exchanging body fluids is a nice change for once. Imho a clop scene would’ve ruined the mood.
Expose and Peach Pit getting into a fight was a real surprise. Deep Tissue and Peach Pit on the other hand – yeah put two mares totally in love with Done in the same room and things will get nasty. This isn’t going to be the last time they’re going to compete for him. If things get worse this could result in a huge conflict, especially since Done isn’t going to just pick a favorite.
Expose lost some sympathy points. Her character just rubs me off the wrong way and she comes across as overly aggressive.
But she still better than Primavera.
Yeah, that’s right Primavera you’re still worst pony. Just go away. You’re ugly and you’re smelly and you’re parents didn’t love you.
So that’s all for now. Originally I wanted to write a larger comment, but there was soooo many stuff that I had to cute some parts just to been done with it before the next month. Yeah, I really bad at bringing my thoughts to paper.
PS: It may be it a bite late for it but Happy Birthday Fable Wright!
PSS: I recently saw some fan art of Shimmer Scale depicting her as some sort of lamia. Does that mean that she’s actually a lamia, who was changed into a pony for this story?
6327297
Also, fixed.
Thanks, and it is really not. This is the first time I've worked with so many characters at once in anything, and it took considerable effort.
Done's mom was mentioned in "Gracious."
6331150
Thanks. Characterization is something I take particular pride in. Some writers are concerned foremost with events, some with the world. For me, characters are the most important part.
The scope was originally much smaller than this, that's for certain. I was thinking maybe 30,000 words when I started, and not nearly so many characters, but that's sure not how it's panned out!
Sure you could! Might be unreasonable, but you could!
6333688
...or not. At all.
It, uh... yeah. It was pretty well decimated for a couple of weeks, along with my sleep. Worth it, though, to get it done in time for Fable's birthday. Still recovering from going with so little sleep.
Thanks. As I've mentioned above, it's not easy to handle so many characters, and I still feel like Jade should've had more lines, but the truth of the matter is that once she got to help Done with the drinks, she didn't have much reason to talk. She wasn't just being useful, she was directly helping Done do something. She had literally everything she still cares about in life, right there. And yeah, a chapter like this, with a lot of dialogue not directly critical to the story's plot is the easiest place for tidbits. Why would Day mention Deep is shy while she's filing paperwork? Random conversations present opportunities I normally have to work to create, and I try to avoid that, as it can make things feel forced.
Bad news. There's a clop scene coming. I couldn't possibly finish in time for the deadline, and Fable was more than content for it to come later, but this chapter isn't actually done. The good news is, I think you'll find it works much better than you thought it would.
Neither wants to risk Done's ire by going too far attacking the other, but Deep is more willing than Peach to be underhanded, and Peach is more willing than Deep to get loud. The conflict will be relevant.
She's an extremely insecure pony. I'm due to do a chapter that actually focuses on her a bit (it's still some ways off) to get her a bit more fleshed out than irascible tsundere, but it'll happen.
Shimmer was created explicitly for the story, and has only ever been a pony in anything canon. With the lamia angle Fable used for his writeup, though, and my extension of it for the chapter itself, it's become a thing.
6333920
There’s something I wanted to mention in my comment but totally forgot. As soon as they started to talk about Pirouette’s look, Bruises’ muscles and all the other changes my first thought was: “Strawberry Frosting is sitting on that table. Isn’t she supposed to not to know anything about this?” Much to my surprises this was brought up shortly afterward instead of just being ignored. Good to see that you guys even remember such small details.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You know I’m a really picky a-hole, sometimes. A scene that would a total turn-on is suddenly repulsive because one character is wearing a blue hat.
So the story came first and not the OC? That’s surprising. I really thought you tried to put Fable_Wright’s lamia OC into the story as a thank you for all his help. I’ve must admit, after the seeing some Lamia Shimmer pictures I kind of wish Done could using the Smoke to turn her into one. Yes I know that the Smoke can’t be used for such massive changes and that a snake-pony hybrid isn’t nothing other ponies would just shrug off…
….buuuuuuuuuuuuut if you someday feel the urge to do something totally crazy again and wasting your time with Pure Clop chapters for ungrateful readers...
6340293
It's pretty close to the opposite, really. Distant had set up a contest for Halloween to get your OC in Smoke, along with choice of fetish. I saw this as an opportunity to sneak in a lamia, but snakeponies weren't an allowed OC race. Thus, needed a pony with the skills to make a faux lamia tail, and Shimmer happened. Turns out that Distant thought Shimmer would be a handy addition to the crew, even going so far as to offer her a place in the story if she didn't win the contest.
He decided to keep me on as a thank you to what help I offered him on the chapter, but Shimmer staying was never a question, and she was made specifically for the story. That said, Distant dislikes the texture of scales, so actual lamia is right out, but get dress could make a return in future PC. Much more likely to get lamia porn out of me than him, though. =P
6340293
That's something I'm decent at. A few times now, Fable's notes while editing have included something like, "you can't do this and not handle it later," (the spooged in shawl in "Venture Capital" was one example), but that note often ends up being covered just a few paragraphs later anyway.
When did I make a promise? I said I think it'd work better than you thought. Even if you absolutely despise it, that's a true statement, because I think it will work better than you expect.
Confirmed: Primavera chapter in which she and Done have sex while wearing blue hats.
6343371
Nope. Done intends to end their unhappy marriage.
6343515
Niece. She'd be cousin to their children. Citrus Zest is her relative by blood in this story.
preposition
1.used between two nouns to designate an object of a combined nature: a kitchen-cum-dining room
In other words, their greatroom is also serving as their ballroom.
Not an error. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/alderman?s=t In other words, alderponies basically make up Manehattan's City Council.
Hehhh... 'This' chapter wasn't bad, but I think it stretched on a bit long.
6343462 Personally, I was expecting, and would have liked the alternative more.
The way I was 'seeing' it, this was a case of :
-''Older mare/wife doesn't look as good as she used to''
-''The husband has a big libido, and thus *look* at other, younger, mares. And might be pushing it a bit.''
As said by Done, the wife banned themselves from his club, in the hope to save their marriage... The logical progression, the way I was looking at it, would have been for him to then invite them both, apply a small ''rejuvenating cure'' to the older mare, maybe a little bit of convincing on the husband... and there you go. Their couple is more than ''active ;) '' again, and they are more than happy to be patrons for the theatre project.
But... ... ...the author chose the more, well, grim and sad route, let's just say.
Heh. Don't get me wrong, the story was still 'fine', but it didn't have that ''smoke used for good'' feel to it, you know ?
6346643
Do bear in mind that the story is tagged dark. Done controls the smoke, but is also affected by it. His world view is skewed. He's not "using the smoke for good;" he's using the smoke to make Manehattan better, as he sees it. That's included a premeditated murder, twisting his best friend's perception, forcing his secretary to remain such, and terrorizing and more or less conquering in every sense the owner of the business next to his. In each case, there are effects of his actions that can be considered positive--even Primavera, at this point, has at least some positive. But if Done ever uses the smoke without, at the bare minimum, an ulterior motive, then I've probably dropped the ball.
6347742 On the subject of using smoke, does it have other uses than what we've seen, like condensing into a solid (smoke dildos or fleshlights, anyone? ), or being used to manipulate objects?
6410545
Not in any canon works. In the description of one-off side chapters in the survey, solid smoke was listed as an explicit example of a thing that could not happen in Smoke canon that people might like to see in a side chapter. It can only affect people or objects by corrupting them, not through any kind of force.
It could make people feel like they constantly had a dildo in them, but it couldn't actually put it there.
6410997
Ok after reading your comment and Distant Gaze response to a question on his blog there's something that crossed my mind: The Smoke is basically some sort of magical brain surgery: Once done the effects are irreversible. But can the Smoke override previous alternations? Could Done tell Day that touching him no longer makes her feel good? Or Expose that she no longer cares that much about Bruises? And would they even notice that something is different than before?
6411723
Can't just override, no. It's conceivable that with enough smoke, a new compulsion or belief could be stronger, and cause them to do something else, but you're getting into real risks. Convince Jade she's horribly lazy and doesn't want to get up, make that strong enough, and maybe she won't--but she'd quite possibly start hating herself for not doing things for Done. Convince Deep (I assume you meant Deep based on context) that she's so angry with Done she can't stand to be around him anymore, and she'd miss massaging him so badly she'd probably become very depressed. And so on and so forth. The original thing can't really be undone, but you could work around it--usually with extremely problematic results.
To answer your final question, they wouldn't necessarily know they'd been changed a second time, but since they know what the smoke is and what it does, a drastic change in their behavior might make them suspect. If it's subtle enough, no--but it'd be hard to change smoke-induced behavior while being subtle.
6412488
The magical land of Equestria has no way to fix evil corruption magic? Or do you just mean it's not something that goes away on its own.
6492548
There's no magical effect left on the smoke's victims. There's nothing to remove. If you scribble on a whiteboard, there's ink there; you can remove it. If you etch in stone, what do you put back? You could buff out the markings, but it's not going to be the same. They're not under a spell that can be canceled.
Will there ever be any characters like Luna and Celestia getting "corrupted"?
6570873
There was a poll a long time back, and the general consensus was that the story would be better served if I didn't do that. Even if I were going to, it could never be a normal situation. Smoke's setting is darker than canon Equestria, but just conquering the alicorn princesses is going too far. That said, it's POSSIBLE that I could do a non-canon side story in which he managed something--but it wouldn't be "official" Smoke.
6412488 what about the Cheese command. Does that mean that mare is going to forever have an orgasm when she hears the word "cheese."
6577095
Yep, permanent. That's why I don't tend to go with triggers and such in the story, but for a PC chapter with a guest OC, I loosen up a little.
6581273 I feel really sorry for her.
6581273 What about in therapeutic. Does torch wood have a command on him? Also that mate, does she really believe that she and Done were married and then she left him?
God this chapter was hilarious and made my night. Considering I have the flu and am dealing with difficult classes, that's saying a lot.
~The Rift Walker
6582959
Torchbearer has had his actions and beliefs altered by the smoke, yes, but we don't know the extent to which it occurred. And yes, Downdraft truly believes that she and Done were married, then broke up. When faced with obvious evidence to the contrary, she will still hold those beliefs, in flat defiance of reality if necessary.
There's a reason that Smoke has its 'dark' tag. When you think about it, despite all the silliness of the ponies and their likable personalities... this story really does depict events that are by no means good or justifiable. Ponies changed by the Smoke are permanently altered, for good or for ill. Done is oblivious or uncaring about the implications of them, so long as he gets what he wants. He's going to cast a permanent shadow on many lives that were a blip on the radar for him. I apologize if that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, but that's the underlying nature of the story, and there's not much that could be done to change that.
6588701
Glad the chapter cheered you up and helped you through a rough night. It was meant to be more lighthearted, but you can thank Fable for steering me away from a couple of more unpleasant scenes that would've pulled the average tone downward.
(Strawberry's cake being destroyed was never going to get much text, but it was going to be worse. Then changed to Bruises wrecking it, then realized that Bruises would actually cry, then realized readers wouldn't like crying Bruises without a really good reason... then Peach Pit, since she'd feel sorry, but not torn up. Also, originally Shimmer made an offhand remark about Deep having hurt Done's back that really pissed Deep off. Shimmer's idea of setting Deep up with a night of roleplay with Done was originally an apology/peace offering, so the tone didn't drop long, but as a reaction to Peach Pit shooting her mouth off, it works better--and it let me establish that Peach does have a personality outside of adoration of Done. She gets pushed around a lot with the Trotties, so she actually is pretty defensive and has a short fuse when that's not going to get her hit or stuck with some awful errand.)
6589987 it's alright. I just want to know. To be honest it's funny that these suggestions won't end. That means Redheart is going to get frisky every Halloween.
6589987
That's true. I mean that's the kind of stuff you expect from a story involving MC. Still compared to many other protagonists in such stories Done is basically saint. Not because he’s such a good person, but because a lot of them are far, far worse.
6603703
That, in my opinion as the author, is because those characters in many other MC stories are in it for the power, the sex, or both. Done wasn't after either. The power got dropped on him whether he liked it or not, and while he certainly takes what he wants from whom he wants, his core goal isn't notches on the bedpost: it's running his business and improving Manehatten. His own worldview is rather substantially warped; he sees things wrongly. But he is, at the heart of it, trying to make things better.
That's not to say he's good anymore. Pre-smoke Done would rather die than be what Done has become. But when your intentions aren't (entirely) selfish, even someone like Done can do beneficial things.