Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
971 users online
1,187,634 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
>new chapter is up
>it doesn't come up in my favorites feed
>god dammit knighty
OMG! Well done good sir! I am very much pleased both with this story and with this chapter! I will be greatly interested in this stories future! Please let me know if there is anything, ANYTHING I can do to help you with this story!
Sweet ships? You know I'll settle for nothing less than Twixie, DG.
That aside, great chapter, excited for Ponyville Week.
5114560
Yeah, I'm not sure what was up with that. I hope the chapter doesn't get missed by people. My main pleasure in writing this is having people read it; getting overlooked reduces that for me. Still, a number of new readers turned up today, so I'm pretty happy.
5114854
Glad you're enjoying it! The number one thing anyone can do to help with the story, though, is like it if you haven't (I confess: I'm vain, and little thumbs up make my day), and share it with those you think would enjoy it. I don't have pre-readers or editors, so those aren't a way to help. If you know artists who are of decent skill and willing to take commissions based on Smoke, pointing me to them would be another way, though. I adore fan art, and am willing to pay for art as well, when I have the cash!
5114930
5114968
Sorry, I prefer Mauxie.
5115986
Mauxie is acceptable.
Guess the photos are going to be used for blackmail?
5116544
For symbolism, when the time comes, believe it or not.
...also, trophies.
Longest chapter so far!
Also, that Cheerilee sequence:
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/591/928/94f.png
I like how you handled introducing the first 'named' character from the actual show. She doesn't stand out in that weird way 'canon' characters tend to in fanfiction when standing next to OCs. It's a hard balance, but it feels like you got it spot on.
5117365
It certainly wasn't meant to be the longest. Noticing that, I'm actually a little bothered that it is. Compared to other chapters, it doesn't warrant more "ink," and neither the mind control nor the sex were exceptionally long. I think I probably spent too much time on the build up, considering that there were three main goals for the chapter:
1. Emphasize Done's difficulty finding a renovator, first mentioned in "The PR Lady."
2. Set up Ponyville Week
3. Cheerilee.
None of that should've made this the longest chapter. Hrmph. Well, I don't think it turned out dull, so I'll leave it, but I hope not to exceed 7k words often. 5-6k is a good chapter length.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, though. Since I don't read other fics, I'm not sure what you mean by canon ponies "standing out" next to OCs, but if I were to make unfounded guesses, I'd say it's either people trying too hard to fit the character from the show, and losing the natural flow of dialogue, or trying too hard to make the OCs and canon ponies fit together, which they wouldn't need to do with their own characters.
5119928
That's basically what I mean, yeah (and I mention this hoping I'm not 'jinxing' it by psyching you out or anything, I just find it interesting in a general way).
The chapter certainly didn't feel any longer than some of the other ones. Like you said, I think it just has several things happening in it which each add up to 7K. No individual part drags on or anything.
Really loved this one. It was sweet, he was doing good for a mare again, and it had the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Some well-placed CMC humor can make any story just a little bit better. And this one was already quite amazing.
5116551 Then the police investigation finds them...
Though I can't help but wonder why he hadn't said that he'd made arrangements for safety purposes.
5124035
For certain values of "good."
5133828
Nah, the police would probably just ask for copies.
I'm not quite sure what you mean there. Safety purposes? Safety from what? Getting her pregnant? It wasn't just himself that he was concerned about there. After all, he's had Bright Jade, Day Planner, Lightning Dust, Bruises, Deep Tissue, Strawberry Frosting, Vinyl Scratch, Peach Pit, and Exposé. Any number of them could be pregnant. He just didn't want to wreck things for Cheerilee and Big Mac.
5162136 By arrangements for safety, I meant it in a way to have it imply that arrangements were made with the cause for safety concerns, the gangponies.
*rigs foundation with TNT*
...Do ponies have TNT?
5162147
Ah, I see. Mostly because reputable businessponies wouldn't particularly want to get their hands dirty with someone who's making deals with gangs. I mean, if someone asked me to go into a bad part of LA and said, "It's fiiiiiiiiine, we're totally cool with Mara Salvatrucha!" I'd nope myself right into the next state.
5162187 While there's probably a more professional way to state it than that, I see your point.
That last chapter was just disgusting. Words can’t even describe how freaked out I’m right now. Sure this is a Mind Control story but that’s no excuse for doing something like that. You should be ashamed of yourself. Everyone knows that Fluttermac is the OTP you filthy Cheerimac shipper.
The first paragraph reminds me why I like this story. While Done complained about the difficulties of finding a contractor who would be willing to work in the gang terror, my first though was “just smoke someone” and then the story immediately explained why it wouldn’t work. Horary for a MC story where the protagonist has to put some effort into it and doesn’t just win because he’s a a Gary Stu and/or everyone else is an idiot.
I’m looking forward to the Ponyville week. It should be interesting to see Done meeting some familiar faces. Plus, I’ve got the certain feeling that Blossomforth is going to get her own chapter.
5182326
Oh, there you are. I was wondering what happened to you. You had me going with your first paragraph; I was actually pretty ticked until you gave it away there. Well played.
About having to work for it, the notion is that mind control is a huge advantage and opens a lot of doors, planning is required for massive changes, or luck (such as Bruises being a loner who no one would bother hunting for before she vanished, and now she's removed enough and different enough from before that people aren't likely to ask after/recognize her. Without favorable circumstances, changes that can't be explained away become long term liabilities, however helpful they are in the short term. Day Planner could tell people she just faced the facts about dancing, and decided to focus on what her cutie mark and skills said she should. Exposé is still pretty bitchy, no one would notice a change in her attitude when she's not around Bruises or Done (...mostly Bruises). So on and so forth. (There's also a third category of plausible deniability--without already knowing about the smoke, how could anyone possibly assume some random earth pony did it?)
5185419
An investigator, having run in with bruises in the past, shows up to her court date and notices her big shift in stature and personality, and especially her surprisingly good attitude with her boss, who can even get away with calling her 'Bruises.' Due to a shortage of cases and a long-standing bounty on black magic users, this investigator takes up the case, and begins noticing some strange coincidences. Like how the Tall Tale's biggest competitor just broke down after his visit there, and the surprise visit by Vinyl Scratch afterwards. Or perhaps how obsessed his new bartender is with him. Or the strange coincidences that seem to occur around attractive pegusi that hang around the place.
...Granted, he's probably just suspect Done's involvement, and not Done himself doing the magic, but Done's already become caught up enough in events that he's already suspicious. And while the investigator would probably just think that a local gang fixed him up with the black magic user, after the Trotties saw the Smoke in Nine Stitches, well... you get someone who didn't previously know about the smoke assuming that a random earth pony did it.
5186900
I said plausible, not impenetrable, but I'll bite. Bruises hasn't had any significant run-ins with the law. She had a nasty temper and got herself fired (a lot), but never prosecuted. Mane Event doesn't really classify as a competitor. He and Done are in different markets--massive concert hall versus tiny cabaret. There's bad blood between them, but it's hardly the stuff of gossip. Vinyl's visit isn't really common knowledge. If it were, there would be tabloid articles all over, and they'd have handled it. Jade's obsessive behavior doesn't happen much on the show floor where it would be seen; she's busy behind the bar. Those who do see it certainly aren't likely to go talking about it. I can't think of any strange coincidences that were so obvious they'd be hard to explain away (yet anyway). Peach Pit's long mane, but I THINK I gave some kind of cover story for that in the chapter. Exposé's behavior has been completely normal. Flying Grace was off to Ponyville content to keep things secret, and Lightning Dust doesn't remember being there, if I remember correctly. The most obvious thing for someone to be looking into would be the increase in incidents--the fight where Done threw a guy out, the thugs who were after Flying Grace (again, I think I provided a plausible reason for that in its chapter), Bruises thrashing some on the way to the Tall Tail for the first time, etc. That's going to start needing explanation if it keeps happening, but it's actually in his favor, I'd think, in that someone focused on that is going to be looking for the wrong things.
Oh, and there's definitely no shortage of cases in this Manehattan.
Anyway, decent stories don't need to be bulletproof--they need to be plausible. Done's starting to run into some difficulties, and those will continue. The second part of Smoke will be much heavier on difficulties than the first, but at any rate, without a solid starting point, I don't think it's unreasonable that Done hasn't drawn serious suspicion from the law yet. The best starting point would be the Trotties, but they're not likely to talk. And what they saw of the smoke was weird, but he didn't use it for control in front of any of them. They just know he made a roomful of Smoke. There are threads to be caught at, but they don't connect very easily, and that's a problem for any investigation.
5186977
This is true. I'm not saying that the evidence is obvious; I'm saying it's there, and that someone doing a little investigation on it might have a few interesting stories of their own to tell. Sure, the evidence may not lead from one point to another in a bulletproof train of logic--but there are threads that could plausibly tie everything together. I'm not trying to poke holes in your story, I just have a habit of tugging on plot hooks and seeing what tumbles out. Speaking of which...
True, but that doesn't mean she's never seen an investigator. If any investigated a case around her workplace, whoever's on the case is going to follow up on it. And as a moody loner with a bad attitude, magic that could easily cause serious 'accidents', and financial troubles, she'd probably be one of the first suspects looked at. 'Sides, she did get brought into court. Somepony probably had to deal with her in the follow-up, and might show up to the court date.
True--but wouldn't you know it, the second the Starlight goes out of business, Done is looking for an in on the market, even looking to make a substantial investment on opening a theater in the bad part of town. That's not just someone following up on an opportunity, that almost looks planned. And if the investigator digs up some clues about the bad blood and Mane ending up institutionalized--well, that's all the stranger.
This may be, but investigators are surprisingly good at coming up with those small details. Almost like they've been doing it for a living for years.
Sure, but an individual investigator might have a slow spell. A big case gone bad, or someone else's good fame might draw off business. Again, not saying it's probable--but it is something to think about.
5185419
Hehe, thanks. Don’t worry I didn’t disappear or anything I just wasn’t in the mood for MC until recently.
5187062
5186977
I’m going to add my two cents and say that if there’s something that might come back to bit him in the ass, it’s Bright Jade's "abduction”. The other characters still maintain their normal lives and - as mentioned before - Bruises was a loner. Jade, however, had a colt friend and might as well still have friends and family in the Crystal Empire. Her sudden disappearances probably caused some uproar. Done should really thank his lucky star that no saw one him hanging around Jade, that nopony at the train station saw him and Jade boarding the train to Manehatten or that no one thought about questioning the members of the tourist group (aka the people last seen with her).
Done Deal, sex guru.