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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It starts with role playing villains. Then pretending you're villains while taking the restaurant. And then...
5357496
And that's why my mother always forbade me to play D&D.
...that, and religious nuttery.
You had me at rape
5357559 Literally same!
For some reason I expected BDSM (Because restaurants have bondage gear, right?). Food play seems much more appropriate, though, in hindsight.
As for the ending… Priceless. Both the beginning of it and the end of it.
Now, I don't want to be "that guy", but that should probably be "hooves on". Unless the etymology of the phrase has roots in Minotaur culture, in which case carry on.
5357772
I've corrected that and hit save three times now. It looks okay to me at the moment, but so help me...
Fantastic chapter yet again Distant! I can't wait until the next one comes out.
I really really want Done to come out of this (barely). Sure he seems like a guy who thinks he is right and spiralling into a void of power-hungry madness but he DOES want things to be better and he NEVER wants to hurt his girls. There is no reason why it has to go down. He isn't evil, he is morally grey and sometimes grey works out to the best option.
5357496
I really love the villain mindgames of the last few chapters. Thanks to Shimmer's enthusiasm, we're starting to see Done look at himself in a new way, and the struggle of his morals beginning to play out. The voice in Done's head making him feel uncomfortable with the situation, his awareness of it, it all really sells this chapter for me.
And of course, holy shit Primavera you monster.
In the name of all things random and epic, Luna should visit the Tall Tail as part of a self-set assignment to visit all night-focused businesses of an inexplicit nature.
Cabaret counts as edgy, not explicit.
5358003 does to me as wellmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/d3/17/9d/d3179d030e138de88bf1a5b4d951b7f6.jpg
Tokai,
There are a lot of things I'd like to get into here, but I'm not going to take that bait. Instead, I'll point out that the "religious nuttery" I was referring to was not some vague, intolerant, anti-religious pot shot, or even a joke. My mother was only half a step shy of the type to whole heartedly buy into the "Chick Tracts." Her ban on D&D was religious, and she genuinely believed it was a gateway to Satanism. What you took as cause to start insults on atheists in comments on my story was an expression of factual personal experience. My mother's extreme Christian views are what drove me from faith.
Now, and I can't believe I'm having to do this on a pornographic fic's comments, your remarks were not defense of religion; they were insults. I let the first stand because it was directed at me, and because I had hoped it was a joke with poor delivery, but your second reveals otherwise. The first person to resort to name calling in more than 300 posts was the one taking issue with an offhand remark about someone's own past experience with religion. The "atheists" didn't stoop first; you did. I've deleted your comments, and I'll delete any more that serve to insult myself, readers, or simply those who don't hold religion sacrosanct.
To put my opinion on this story simply, I wish there were a way I could give it more than one thumbs up and fave, preferably somewhere in the three or four digit range. I could write a long and detailed opinion on it, but I enjoy it so much I'm not going to. If only because I believe it's already extremely well written, and it'll make you take a minute or two longer to get that next chapter out
Keep up the awesome job!
5358375
I'm not even religious. I'm agnostic. I just have a mildly religious mother.
5358375
Well she succeeded in preventing D&D from turning you into a Satanist but she couldn’t stop Satan’s newest master piece: An innocent looking cartoon full of colorful horse who practicing magic and worship a pagan deity who is actually Satan in disguise. Looks like you’re going straight to hell. Just like the people who focus on improving other people lives instead of preaching about Jesus all the time; or those who turned gay after getting raped and posed by demons; or those who don’t change all their believes right after a five minute talk with a complete stranger… Yes Jack Chick really does more harm than good to his fellow Christians.
Anyway I apologize for being lazy and not posting any comment on the last three chapters. I still have to catch up with the story but as soon as in done there will be a lengthy comment. One thing, however, I can say for sure is that Deep Tissue is slowly becoming my favorite character in the story. That she was willing to send Done into a world of pain for “ruining” her sister’s life was pretty impressive.
I like this.
I like this very much.
I've been meaning to reply to comments in here for a bit. Sorry for being slow; it's a bad time of year for me, work, commute, blah, blah, blah.
5357559
There's just something about a cheerful pink heart at the end of that sentence that makes me blink in disbelief.
5357591
That's a more "standard" punishment situation, so that's understandable. If it were a real world restaurant, they could've tied her to hooks in the meat locker, maybe. Although the shrinkage would be rough on Done.
Glad you enjoyed it. Done appreciated the prank, but saying he enjoyed it would be a stretch.
5357772
Go ahead and be that guy. If I'm right, I'll defend what I wrote. If I screwed up and overlooked something, I want to know so I can fix it. This would actually have been caught if I hadn't gotten out of the habit of searching what I wrote for "banned words." I've got a list written specifically to avoid this. So if I mess up THIS way, I deserve to be called out.
5357936
Glad you enjoyed it. The next will be Righty's chapter, almost certainly. It'd take a miracle for me to turn out two chapters by Christmas Eve.
He's got his limits, to be sure. Even as he is, he's got no interest in causing harm or misery... but he no longer sees those as unacceptable means to an end, and his protective nature has gotten a bit of an edge to it, as you saw.
5357986
That's the most important thing in how I convey Done. If it's impossible to empathize with him at all, then I've blown it. I actually feel like I may have gone a little too nice, after backing off of some of the behavior in the first few chapters, so this was a good chance for me to show that he can still make demands.
5358057
Haha, Done would not DARE lay a hoof on a princess, especially at this stage of the story. If she showed up at The Tall Tail, it'd be very like Sugarcube Corner hosting Celestia, wih Mr. and Mrs. Cake constantly refilling her teacup.
5358685
Thanks. Comments like this mean a lot for a writer's motivation, so believe me when I say you've effectively given it another thumbs up. If you want to do more, take a look at my other story, The Whistling Wings. It's a naughty fairy tale, and tends to fly under people's radar.
5360809
It's fine. You're under no obligation, legal or moral, to comment each time I update! And yeah, Deep and Day are very close. Each has personality traits the other completely lacks, and they've always been there to fill in the gaps for each other. Jade and Bruises are too heavily affected by the smoke to do something like Deep did, but Exposé and Pirouette are still quite capable. Shimmer is scarcely affected at all; she's had nothing but what comes from exposure itself, now that the "stay in character" bit is in the past. Anyway, Done's not in the business of making zombies. It's possible for him to upset a mare so badly she turns on him... though if that becomes a problem, it'd have to be dealt with...
5362584
Done really doesn't see himself as a villain at all. Would you believe I almost cut that line to make room for a facepalm moment with Bright Jade at the end?
5371930 That was my point. You can't deny that it would be hilarious for Done to be tripping over himself every six seconds.
5371930 Ponies eating meat... Ehh...
Food play was more appropriate more because of the lack of need for bondage due to the whole MC thing. Plus the brute force. Either of which would be fine.
5371930
I actually just last week re-read the first couple chapters. It's been so long since I really read chapter one, and the craziest thing was seeing Jade acting like a normal equine being.
It's easy to see how broken she is now, when comparing her to the lively pony she used to be. She's probably the most static out of any of the current roster.
I remember a long time ago you saying that Done would eventually take a trip back to the Crystal Empire. Any idea where exactly that'll fall in the roadmap? No need to spoil too much, but I assume the current plan goes something like:
Christmas/OC chapters -> Ponyville chapters -> Crystal Empire -> ???
5372334
Heh, yeah, BDSM would be pretty redundant in this setting.
5372981
Early in the second part. Holding your breath would not be advised.
5373385
Indeed.
Never fear, I'm very patient!
The Scenographer: I’m usually not that thrilled if another chapter with an OC-guest star pops up. None of the OCs were bad and it’s great that you are give your readers such an opportunity but naturally there isn’t much story progress in such chapters. So it was a really pleasant surprise for me to learn that Shimmering Scales is now part of the cast AND that this chapter actually kicked-off a new story arc.
Also: Scales. Just scales. They are among my favorite types of transformations. Now you just need to add a chapter in which Done gives a Pegasus bat wings and you’re my new personal hero. Anyway, it’s nice that you’re aiming for variety with your transformations without crossing to line between “sexy” and “Oh god! Why did you do that?”
Hmm I wonder if Done unknowingly gave her venom fangs. Could result in a very awkward sex related accident. :D
Consequences: I would’ve never expected Deep Tissue turning on Done, but it makes perfect sense in hindsight. Sooner or later a family member would notice if a beloved one acts odd. The fact that she was smoked only provided a false sense of security for the readers (and Done) because one of his own would obviously never question him. Well played, sir. Well played.
The following verbal exchange between her and her sisters was great. Deep had some pretty good and valid arguments but so had Day.* That’s what makes this story so great. It manages to show that the effects Smoke can lead to some positive changes and make ponies happy but doesn’t downplay the fact that Done changes the mind of the people around him without their consent.
Back to the more simple things: This was one of my favorite sex scenes. Probably even my personal number one. I don’t know why but most of my favorite ones involve either Day or Deep. So I’m looking forward to a possible threesome with great anticipation.
*Except for her suggestion that Done should just smoke her sister. That’s cold Day. Really cold. I guess now we know we who should take with him if he needs help to burry a body.
Corrections: Conveniently I read one of the first chapters of Smoke again and saw that Done already mentioned the Trotties (“that pack of hoodlums that make trouble every so often”) and Primavera (“the restaurant next door that wouldn’t sell”). Seems like you were planning ahead for quite a while.
Anyway, making Primavera a huge jerk was a good way to bring out the nastier side of Done without making him loss the sympathy of the audience. After the shocking reveal that she almost ruined Day’s life I couldn’t care less about her. In a horror movie she would be the jerk that makes you cheer when the villain finally kills her.
The only thing I’ve missed was a glimpse of Primavera before she was at Done’s mercy. We only hear other character’s talking about how cruel she is but we never see her behaving that way. I know that there was already lot’s of stuff going one in the first chapter but I think there should’ve been a confrontation between Done and her during the party to establish her as a nasty piece of work.
Overall thoughts: Three excellent chapters with Consequences being my absolute favorite. Lots of great moments for Deep as well as Day. Really liked her back story and how she got her revenge on Primavera. Shimmering Scales with her geeky love of super villains and comic books is a great addition to the cast. Done should be careful, otherwise he might wake up one Day only to realize that she turned the Tall Tail into a super villain lair with a lava lake.
5427982
Not to spoil your fun, but her fur is still fur; it's just patterned/colored/shiny like scales now.
That might be a bit much to keep quiet.
Right. No dick tongues and tentacle tails for Smoke.
Not from Day's perspective it isn't. She's not unhappy, and she's been smoked. For Day, smoking her sister is no different than medication: it would've ended a needless emotional fit in a hurry, and let her sister (whom she really does love dearly) be happy again.
5428137
Close enough.
Welllllllll if it would be someone who isn't from Manehatten it could work. Nobody would know that she wasn't alwasy a bat pony.
Hey one can dream, can't he?
Also there's something I wanted to ask but then totally forgot in my previous comment: How much sex happens off-screen? Does every massage session ends with them rolling on the floor? How often does he sleeps with Jade/Day Planner druing the week. No specific reason for asking, I’m just curious.
5428604
Lots. One of the notes Fable wrote up on Corrections was that it seemed like a lot for Done to have Day "almost every day," but that's intentional. He does. If he hasn't taken another mare to bed, Jade's not uncommon at night, though that's less him doing things, and more Jade wanting to be useful. Massage sessions... I'd say around half the time, though it's not like I actually made notes on this sort of thing. The idea is that he's pretty highly oversexed. From Done's twisted perspective, the smoke's just made him highly "able," and hey, who doesn't like sex? The truth of it, like almost everything else in the story, is a bit darker. The smoke, as I've said many times, is inherently corrupting. As its owner, Done's not going all bulgy like Bruises, but the same stuff that made Bruises like that is in Done, all the time. In addition to his warped perspective, his corruption is based on who he was: He always loved being around beautiful mares, and really was (still is) protective of the girls who work for him. Now, his view is more possessive, and in no small part, that manifests sexually. It's pleasurable, but it's also Done establishing, "this is mine." (The obvious followup: "Why doesn't he have his dancers?" He's not totally gone. Pirouette would be furious, and while he could fix that, he cares about her and would rather not make a bunch of yes-mares, and he doesn't want to risk the potential drama. They're still "his," but he can get what he needs elsewhere without the headaches. Plus, as soon as I go down that road, I have to start naming them, and that sounds like effort. Ew, effort.)
Naming them is the easiest part. Have fun coming up with personalities and back stories for all of them. ;Overall it’s not big lose. I rather have quality over quantity. It’s better to flash out the already existing characters than adding a dozen of new obes for him to fuck. Plus it’s kind of refreshing to have a MC story with a protagonist that doesn’t have sex with every female character he comes across.
5625078
That sounds like two things.
Strictly speaking, most of the story is syntactically correct and given a proper pass through a spellchecker. The real issue that comprises 80% of my edit corrections are semantics, clarity, and flow. More common than pronoun-antecedent errors are errors in which Distant accidentally refers to the wrong person; more common than sentence fragments are missing transitions between paragraphs. Given that the error you specifically addressed was semantic and not grammatical, I feel that the SPaG category should probably be renamed.
:headdesk: It took three separate drafts to get that section serviceable, and at least another two rounds of edits on top of that to get it proper flow and to keep all the characters engaged in it. And it all it had, in the end, was comedic value.
That said, thank you for the feedback; it's nice to know someone else appreciates the technical aspects of their clop.
...And I was beaten to the punch by Distant. Keeping my reply here for posterity.
5626226
Strictly speaking, nyotaimori isn't the right term here; it's 'body sushi', and usually involved removing food off a person with chopsticks, and usually involves no intimacy whatsoever with the platter. Food play is the correct term, here.
Also? The entire scene was under 500 words and entirely composed of IKEA erotica. 'Amazingly godawful' doesn't do it justice.