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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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New chapters!
Yay!
This was perfect! I loved the character (Peach is adorable) and story development, and that Bruises was not 'Done' this time. I can't wait for Rose's turn.
wow
Wait...Impregnation?!
For what its worth I just wanna say that I've been eagerly awaiting updates for this for a good while now, and was overjoyed to see update chapters. Still love both Done's desire for domination as well as rampant sex addiction. I always find the different manners of mind control and other elements creative and interesting and I can hardly wait to see what comes in next.
Beach and Bruises... I never would have guessed.
Smoke is back, and wonderful as ever!
I love how the story is progressing along. A clopfic with a brilliantly-written story is always a rare godsend, because the added emotional investment allows the sex to feel like so much more. And certainly, the clop in this chapter was great. I liked the subtle little transformation bits, and the angle on the mind control in this chapter was cool, too.
A character that willingly accepts the Smoke, now that was something I did not anticipate. I love the idea though, and also the bits about her idolizing Done Deal. It all reminds me just a little bit of one particular character... from another time and place. I think Peach might just turn into my favorite mare in this story. Just maybe.
4477186
What this guy said. The way each chapter/character involves a different style of mind control, a different tactic for inducing them, the variety adds so much to the overall fic.
Thanks for the double update, Distant! Smoke will always be worth any wait, no matter how long.
Amazing as usual this story remains consistently hot while also having an interesting story. Though something thats been bugging me all of the girls he's been with have all gotten off and its something that turns him on as just as much except for Day the poor mare has been sexually insensitive since she was introduced only doing it to remain 'efficient' will she ever get her turn? I dare say she's earned it.
4474818
No, but Bruises was only postponed due it it being much better a little later, so I hope it won't put you off when the time comes. Rose is a long way off, but there's a special plan for her.
4475231
Can't fill up that many mares that much/often without SOMEpony getting pregnant. Peach would be happy, but it may or may not be her. MYSTERIES.
4477186
Sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm glad you enjoyed the new chapters. It was difficult enough picking up again that I was afraid I'd lost my groove on the story, so the praise these two chapters have won is very welcome. I'm still not thrilled, particularly with "Trust..." (It was just too easy--I need to get better about not making chapters so self-contained.)
4477847
I'm assuming you meant Peach and Bruises... but no, they're actually not being paired up. Bruises' filly friend is in the cover pic up above.
4479152
I'm glad. I've been accused of "not playing fair" having a mare who willingly accepted Done's control as a mind-control method, but it was bound to happen eventually. As long as the story is, I HAD to include a mare would wanted in of her own accord eventually! I'm also glad you enjoyed the transformation. The vote I held was overall significantly in favor of transformation, including a significant number who'd have been happy to have transformation involved in almost every case--but it also had people who didn't want it at all, including one of my most valuable readers. (Lest anyone take offense, I appreciate every favorite, like, and follow, but it's only natural to most appreciate the readers who provide feedback over a long period.)
She's certainly one of my favorites, probably my favorite so far, but there's more to come. That said, Peach Pit is going to be a recurring minor character, not another addition to The Tall Tail's staff, or a regular patron.
Glad you enjoyed that. I knew when I thought the chapter up that Done was going to mess with her a little, but having her accidentally push herself past the point of no return a little earlier than Done planned was just a spur of the moment thing.
4489530
There are a couple of things going on there. The first is that I simply need to rewrite the first four chapters. When I started this, the plan was for the corruption to have a much nastier effect on everypony's personality, but that's not how I've ended up taking things, so Done comes off meaner in chapters 1-4 than he would now. I wasn't happy writing him as a douche, so the first four need to be redone, both for consistency, and to bring them up to the quality of the chapters I'm writing now.
That said, Done would still have left Day incapable of enjoying sex, because of the second thing in play: she was "bad." While I don't write him as mean now as I did then, even now, if a pony Done feels is in his domain were to defy him, he'd get awfully mean. (Note that I didn't say I needed to rewrite chapters 6 or 14, where somepony caused him problems or even just irritation, and paid the price.) Day was trying to leave. She was his secretary. HIS secretary. That's not acceptable. Thus, Day got put back in place a little more roughly than Pirouette, but he doesn't continue to mistreat her, because he solved the "problem" by completely dedicating her to her work.
I agree with you though, that Day Planner has earned a reprieve, and I DO have a rough idea in mind. I'm just not sure where in the story to put it, or what the details are yet, but know that it's crossed my mind and is percolating in there. The one thing I AM sure of, is that Deep Tissue, as Day Planner's little sister, is going to be the catalyst for change, so if you enjoyed her, you can look forward to both Day getting to enjoy it, and Deep Tissue making a return.
Thanks for all the comments, everyone; writers thrive on happy readers. Thanks also for upvoting each others' comments when you agree. It lets me see that opinions aren't isolated, which is valuable.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/710/382/d68.gif
4493764 I know I was just playing.
4493764
You know, that's something I had kinda forgotten about.
Like that one hostess on the train. Done was extremely hurtful to her, compared to anything he's done since. I mean, the trigger he left her with basically meant she'd sexually assault the next patron she acted poorly to, and certainly this would lead to some serious problems.
Huh.
Cool! I really liked Deep Tissue, it'll be nice to see more of her.
4494383
I replied to this yesterday, but must not have hit submit. The train attendant actually wouldn't be assaulting people toward whom she misbehaved. That's bad customer service too, imposing on them. It would be more like how she offered Jade her "delicious pie."
Also, Done would still be pretty awful to her, because she fell into the "making trouble/defying/disrespecting category, much like Day Planner--but worse, since she was so completely indifferent about being a lousy worker, whereas Day was always an excellent secretary; she just wanted out. Those who support Done, he supports right back. Those who just operate competently, he'd treat decently enough (he might control them/have his way/whatever, but it'd be like the PC chapters other than Lightning Dust and Therapeutic). And those who really irritate him without being right/also on his side (which is why Pirouette can get away with scolding him)... well. There's no guarantee that the punishment will be proportional to the offense, or that innocents won't get caught up in sexy ways. (See: Therapeutic.)
4498918
Mmm, I suppose that's right.
I should go reread those first few chapters some time. Or even go through and just read the whole story from the beginning. I occasionally check out random chapters every once in a while, but I haven't read them in order since the first time around.
I quite like this new character, Peach Pit, I really must say.
4493764
Wouldn't spoilers be a better term than mysteries?
I'm really liking the plot, and I'm also not objecting to the other plot here. The story wouldn't really work without it- but will we see a Done and Vinyl scene (I'm curious as to if Done would risk messing up someone with such a high profile, since the smoke seems to be somewhat addictive). I'm liking the plan being taken in regards of bringing business to his investments. Though I'm wondering when we learn Done robbed a bank to afford all this...
4516266
A full on, "you're mine" control scene? Probably not. The smoke is addictive, but light use isn't problematic. Jade's just had a hell of a lot.
Done wasn't quite a one percenter, but he's been very well off all along. His cabaret is popular and has a good margin. If you'll recall, he mentioned that he could probably afford to open a concert hall in Hoofington. Day's comments about positions open earlier in the story were positions that were budgeted for; he's absolutely spending out of banked money and personal money for these investments. Even so, I did write that he'll need a loan for his current plans. Don't expect a chapter about filing paperwork.
4516327 I was kinda joking about the robbing a bank part, I'm aware of the numbers. I doubt an abandoned theater is very expensive, as with many buildings in lower desirability areas (I'm sure someone at the bank wasn't happy with the substantial withdrawals, though.). And I didn't mean an absolute control style scene with Vinyl but something more along the lines of chapter fifteen (minus the last bit of it), or even just making sure she's agreeable.
Also, you could probably get out of the pregnancy mentioned earlier easily—if it'd be a thorn in the plot—with anything from cartoon ponies only being fertile with the estrous cycle, to one of the unicorns having a well practiced contraception spell (I'm not especially into the show, but I doubt Hasbro had shown unwanted pregnancies in it, so it's plausible). I can imagine Day Planner using one on the grounds of unwanted pregnancies negatively impacting productivity. It is you universe. Or world... Country? Whatever you call it, you're the author.
4516550
Something more similar to chapter 15 is possible with Vinyl. I don't want to spoil things, but I have plans.
As for pregnancy, I've intended all along that Day's doctor be a unicorn with a cutie mark nativity, capable of fertility magic, and the opposite. That'll come up in dialogue in due course.
Sorry for being such a slowpoke but i took some time to put down my thoughts about the last two chapters.
I may sound like a broken record but I really like the buisness relation between Done and the Trotties. Their leader is one of the few female characters he doesn’t control. They are partners instead of “master” and “servant” . So he actually has some sort of opposition and can’t just do what he wants. At least not until he eventually smokes her. Then he basically controls the Trotties with Rose as a puppet leader. Thankfully this isn’t going to happen any time soon.
This chapter also introduces a new female character that rather quickly became part of Done’s entourage. Unfortunately I was rather unimpressed by Peach Pit. In my opinion she was a bit too willing to take the Smoke – hero worshipping or not. But that’s just personal preferences. However, I sense a lot of future potential: Despite her happy nature her childhood probably was pretty crappy. Plus her only other relative seems to blame her for all the bad things that happened to her and her mother.
This part also gives us some great insight in Done’s mind. Here he has a mare who worships the ground he walks on and is willing to do anything he says and yet he still uses the Smoke on her to make sure she is one of his. He can only trust the people he smoked. It’s now part of his nature.
Now about the pregnancy stuff… let’s just hope Polygamy isn’t outlawed because there’s no way in Tartarus that he’s going to impregnate several mares and raising their children without anyone noticing.
4517938
Late comments are better than none. Shame Peach Pit wasn't to your liking; she's been very popular overall. Not Bruises popular, but way up there. Regarding trust, you might be surprised one day. Regarding pregnancies, well. I'm not saying how that plays out until at least one mare is confirmed pregnant.
4519269
Perhaps it’s because I’m the kind of guy who like dominate, seductive woman like Deep Tissue. Peach is just to “innocent” for my taste. ;)
Yeah it’s best to wait and see how the pregnancy part turns out. I’m just having a hard time imagine Done raising a bunch of kids from different mares - or not raising them at all but that seems rather unlikely considering his backstory.
4516327
Bonus chapter with Done going to the bank and having to use the smoke to get past all the bureaucracy (damn Celestia and all her bloated financial system!) confirmed?
4559307
Ooohhhh I really like your idea. Maybe at some point in the story Done needs to take another loan because there's a great business opportunity he can’t ignore. Unfortunately the bank manager/ head of the loan department refuses to give him another credit or the lending interest are far too high or there’s some other obstacle. So Done tries reasoning and it’s not very effective. Then Done tries Smoke and get's his loan and has sex with the bank manager/ head of the loan department.
It’s also a great opportunity to give Day Planer some spotlight. Who would be better suited to accompany him than her? Maye she was the one who informed Done about the above mentioned business opportunity and convinced him that it’s worth taking the loan?
4560813
4559307
It's always fun when people speculate about something I've mentioned without detail, and go in completely different directions than I'm going to...
4561297
If you’re enjoying a story it’s only natural that you start speculate about what’s will happen next.
And clearly our ideas are far better than yours.4561420
It is. And I was serious; it's fun for me when people do that. I sit and snicker. >_>
4561456
So I guess he's not getting the loan from a bank?
Done's gonna get involved with pony mafia.
4561510
Nah. He’s going to rob a casino and the first half of Season 2 is about him recruiting four more mares before starting the heist.
But funny that you mention the mafia, considering that Done was supposed to become some sorf of kingpin in an early draft of Smoke.