Page generated in 0.034 seconds
Total duration
946 users online
1,882,074 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well. This is how you start a year.
This is the best new years present. Distant gaze, I hope you have a great new years eve and a fantastic 2015 (I'm a long time fan first time commenter by the way). Thanks for the effort I know you've put in and I'd like to say thank you for the great work I know you'll do. Happy new year friend :-).
5448418
Thanks, and thanks for breaking your silence, too! So far, 2015 could be going better! Busy with a full reformat and all that entails on my desktop machine. Not exactly the jet setting, debauched, champagne fueled New Year's that comes to mind when you hear the name Distant Gaze!
...who am I kidding, I'd settle for just a LITTLE debauchery, with no jet setting or champagne!
That ending … oh god. That was well played.
Will Deal ever undo physical and/or mental changes (temporary or otherwise)? It seems good to know if he can just say "go back to your mindset before we met and forget all this once you get home" or if he can't. Eventually he'll either find a pony who's celibate or something.
media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/85/30/5e/85305efdd72a102c6f368bc0627b695c.jpg
5449029
I see what you did the... what I di... I mean... oh, goddammit.
5448777
The closest to that was letting Lightning Dust not live out the rest of her life as his dog. It may come up later, but currently it's not a focus.
5450874 Well, I hope she never hears the word cheese again...
I can see the tabloids now: "Rare medical condition; Mare orgasms at the word "cheese"!".
5451006
That's why I mentioned in the author's note at the bottom that I wouldn't be doing it much. Trigger words are loose ends, but in a PC chapter starring an OC, I'm less concerned.
5451085 Hopefully nobody says cheese at the event... Or he redefines it as something for private moments.
I'd be sad if there weren't trigger words (they're fun!), though it'd be far too risky to just use them without setting criteria.
Pffffffffffffttttttttttt-
Whoo! I must have totally missed that this got posted! Sorry for the late reply.
I thought that cuddling scene was super cute.
I never really thought about it until now, but yeah, I guess Smoke doesn't really have any trigger-word stuff! I'm kinda surprised I never noticed before.
5451425
Remember folks, always use the requisite "When I say the word..." when designing triggers, or things are sure to get messy!
Well, well someone would’ve assumed that Done after the incident with Day Planner Done would know to be extremely careful with his wording, but nooooo. :D Also this one showed another dark side of Done: As soon as he has laid his eyes on mare he can’t let go. In this case he took extreme measures and basically had to smoke her at every step eventually even resorting to direct commands. I don’t think he ever had to use that much force before.
So now it’s firmly established that the dancers (and probably some other associates) know that Done is kind of a lady’s man. Normally that shouldn’t raise an eyebrow but there’s also the small detail of him sleeping with several staff members and that Jade is basically his marefriend in anything but name. I’m surprised that this hasn’t been brought up yet by any of the dancers. Or that one of them tried to seduce the boss – which admittedly would be pretty of funny considering that Done is usually the one who makes the advances. It might even be confusing for him that a mare want’s to sleep with him without using the Smoke first.
Finally there’s something that has been bugging me during the last four chapters: The total lack of Expose. Sure she doesn’t work at the Tall Tail like most of the main cast but the cover image implies that she’s an important cast member. So her absence even during the Hearth’s Warming Eve play seems odd. Even more so because her filly friend participates in the play. I know that there are plenty of character and lots of stuff happing but it’s pretty hard to get to known a new main character if said character never shows up. ;)
5467814
The heavy work on Downdraft needed substantially more force, but it was "off camera." The direct commands were more because he was tired of his game of nudging her than an actual use of force. (And he's used direct commands a few times before--Jade in the cave, and Flying Grace.) He probably could've skipped the light touch in the beginning and had Righty eating out of his hoof, but it would've required reinforcement anyway, and until he got bored/frustrated, he was amused with pushing Righty along, bit by bit. Honestly though, a big part of it is that Righty's reluctance to deal with other ponies and her timidity are major parts of her personality. Going the usual route with the smoke would've meant I didn't get much chance to show off who Righty is, so a big part of why I wrote this chapter as I did was external to the story itself. I didn't want to "un-Righty" her, or else I might as well have used any generic pony.
It's not common knowledge that he and Day have sex. Ponies would likely assume he and Deep do (or did...), since she likes to drape herself on him. It's assumed that he and Jade are more than friendly, but only Done's inner circle knows for a fact. No one but those present in "Executive Roundtable" actually know he's had sex with Bruises (other than Exposé of course), and none of the dancers would even guess that he has, since he treats her like a little sister, and since she's not exactly supermodel material. In short, they mostly know he's become a ladies' man, but the extent is a complete mystery to them. (In fact, some are convinced he's a gentlecolt through and through, and the whole thing is an act, since no dancer has been hit on or seen anything solid.) They have brought it up, but it's mostly implied--asking why he's not married yet in "Flying Grace," thinking Done slinking off during the Nightmare Night party was funny in Corrections, and two of them placing bets on who'd get into his bed (this is the one overt one) in the beginning of Righty's chapter. As for mares willing to sleep with him without being smoked, Peach Pit would've thrown herself at him without being smoked, if she thought someone as important as "Mr. Deal" would care about her.
I introduced her early because I didn't want her to be a deus ex machina when she matters ("Done needs publicity! Oh look, he happened to catch a reporter!") and because I felt bad for Bruises waiting so long for Done to keep his promise. She'll be more important late in part one and in much of part 2. That said, her name's come up a few times when Fable_Wright and I discuss what needs doing. When I get time/the interest, there'll be one of my in-character blog posts that at least brings her back to mind until I have space in a chapter without forcing it.
5520030
Thanks, and welcome back! The business with Pirouette also appears in regular chapters, at least farther down the line, so the chapter is still fully extractable. No new events occurred which will be necessary to understand the story going forward. Most chapters have clop and narrative progression. A few just have narrative progression. (Maybe just "Nine Stitches," actually.) PC chapters just have clop. You can argue that the characterization is important, but what it boils down to is that if the reader can skip a chapter and not know they skipped one, it gets the PC label. Exception being "Frosting Indeed" which I should really take the PC label off of since it introduced a minor recurring character, even if the story could stand without her.
5520098 Mark it with a regular C to indicate clop as the primary focus. Though she really hasn't had any impact on the story except a little character development from Day Planner.
5521946
You do realize that most chapters have clop as a primary focus, yes?
5543398
5543368
Really, the first 3-4 chapters need a total rewrite. They're not up to par with the rest of the story at all. Thanks though, when I do some editing, I'll fix those.
I don't know... That chapter was less interesting, I find.
The mare, this time, was less willing and less wanting or having predisposition for what he did to her, so... heh... Reading was more uncomfortable and less pleasing than other chapters. Like he took more advantage of the mare's situation than usual...
EDIT : Mmh. Thought of maybe something to solve the ''taking overly advantage of her cold/hunger situation'' thing.
If she had, after initially shyly refusing the offer, then proposed to at least pay/repay a ''token price''/giving a little bit of money(now or later) so that (from her perspective) she doesn't look so needy or taking advantage of 'his' generosity.
That way, he could have played it more like he was ''convincing'' her to alter her decision to repay his generosity with ''a nice night together'' instead of money.
5576050
Sorry the chapter wasn't as much to your liking as others. With a dark tag and a rape warning in the description, though, I'm afraid it's to be expected that ponies will be taken advantage of. The story will become darker in part 2, and (somewhat) lighter again in part 3, so I'm afraid I can't just say, "Sorry, won't happen again." Sooner or later, it will.
5576607 It's not that it was ''dark'', or that she was ''taken advantage of'', not by itself.
I have read every chapters so far, after all. -_-
It's, as I somewhat explained, the way it was thrown and forced without much real incentive (for the reader) on either side !
She's alone, cold, and hungry outside, and he goes goes : ''Enter !'' - ''I'm not sure'' - ''Enter !'' - ''Maybe, but...'' - ''Enter ! I'm generous. Enter !''. Repeat the same thing, when they are upstairs, but with sex... Sigh.
It's mainly the intro section, where he ''gets her to enter'' his place, that cause the whole thing to be more uncomfortable and make the situation less desirable.
Other chapters had some KIND of incentive thrown in there, at the very least, which would THEN be twisted in his favor... Here, there's nothing 'optional' that he can play on, but only vital ''life or death'' things.
Reading that part was like... Ok, the alternative is 'maybe-death alone and hungry in the night' or 'sex otherwise maybe-death alone and hungry in the night'. Goodie.
What I'm saying is, I think, that the section was played more like he got her by the ''throat'', so to speak, instead of cleverly pulling on a length of ''rope''.
(The scenario I proposed in my previous message was to help illustrate how it could have been done. What ''trick'' he could have pulled, IF she had given him something to work with.)
5576673
She was in no risk of death; she had a place to stay. You don't travel to a big city on an important job and not book a room. She just made assumptions about restaurants being open on Hearth's Warming Eve which turned out to be wrong. She was out freezing her butt off because she wanted something to eat, but if she'd gone back to her hotel hungry, she certainly wouldn't have died. As for the repeated nudges, Righty's owner specifically wanted her nudged bit by bit. For some readers, that was a plus, same as some enjoy the chapters with inflation and others would rather I not go so far. *shrug*
5576699
>She was in no risk of death
-SIIIIIGH. For Pete's sake... That was a figure of speech. Maybe just a bit of exaggeration, at worst, but I thought the rest was clear enough to explain it.
But, please, tell me you understood the point I tried to make ?
5577053
I get the idea, yes. She was at a disadvantage, and Done took advantage of that, which you didn't like. I just don't agree that it stands out significantly against Done's usual antics, beyond that Righty was a random mare instead of someone interacting with Done in the first place.
5576673
Without context that sounds like something right out of a comedy fic.
But seriously, I understand you. This chapter crossed a line for you. At first glance it seems out that such a minor thing would upset someone – it’s a story about mind control after all. Yet there are still things that make us feel uncomfortable. I had a similar problem in an earlier chapter. That’s just how it is.
When dealing with food, there are three things you need to worry about: the taste and the presentation. The best-tasting food in the world will come off as shit if it looks like shit.
When dealing with clopfic, and especially the kind of clopfic you're dealing with here, you're going to have to deal with three: the story, the clop, and the SPaG.
The clop is what I came for when I searched up the fic, and you pull it off spectacularly. Every chapter brings a new form of mind control, a new fetish, or both into the picture. Inflation. Size difference. Pseudo-foalcon (Expose may be a full grown mare, but she can still be mistaken for a filly.) In the latest plot chapter, you even brought foodplay into the equation, although since foodplay isn't my thing it only served comedic value to me.
I rate the clop five out of five Rarities, as Rarity is the sexiest of the mane 6.
Next, the story. If the clop is what hooked me in, the story is what kept me up all night reading the whole thing. You managed to give a character a power as potentially overpowered as mind control and made it WORK. Done Deal is as far from a Mary Sue as possible DESPITE his Sueish powers and his slowly expanding harem, because yes, he does get his way, but he has to work for it, and you can see exactly how he does it. That, and he has actual character flaws, something almost no Sue EVER has. You, my friend, are an amazing storyteller.
I rate the story five out of five Rainbow Dashes, because when Dash reads a story, she's in it for the action.
But finally, we come to the big problem. The Spelling and Grammar, or "SPaG" for short. And I'm sorry (and pardon the incoming pun), but you drop some SPaGhetti here. I repeatedly was thrown out of the story by a random spelling error or bad phrasing. The worst was way back when you had Done Deal fire Shot Glass- I was thrown for a loop when Shot Glass's name was first mentioned, because he was only ever referred to as the bartender before then, and there was nothing linking the name "Shot Glass" and the "bartender" other than the implications of a pony's name being "Shot Glass". For all I knew it was the drunk that Done Deal had just cracked a chair over, and that's what I thought it was for a full twenty seconds before I realized what was happening.
Then again, you DO seem to have it under control in your latest chapters. The addition of a beta-reader must have helped that.
I rate the SPaG 4 out of 5 Twilight Sparkles. Who else would be obsessed with spelling and grammar?
And all in all, I rate this 4.6 sta- erm, hearts.
I look forward to seeing more from this fic...
5625078
Some, to be sure, though Fable_Wright's only been helping me out since "The Scenographer," and I'd say I cleaned up quite a lot since well before then. What Fable's really helping with is less spelling and grammar, and more confusing phrasing, and suggestions. Also and especially, with "this isn't good enough." The chapter with nyotaimori (the use of a person as a table) was originally pretty... amazingly godawful. I actually knew it when I sent him the draft. He did what he could, but in the end, his recommendations for reducing the suck required splitting it into two chapters. Even then, the clop with Primavera started well and ended well, but fell flat with the food, because it's not my thing, either. He made a couple of suggestions which I was able to leverage enough to at least sell the scene. (He's also been a good sounding board for longer term ideas, but that hasn't cropped up in the story yet.)
Regardless, I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I appreciate the time you took to provide feedback. Thank you very much. (Also, you're totally right about Rarity being the sexiest of the Mane 6.)
5626373
When I started making use of the term in relation to the chapter, there was no actual sex happening; using her as a table was the main thing, and that's still how that scene starts out. It's as appropriate as it can get for a society where sushi isn't eaten because fish, and chopsticks aren't actually used. Granted, in the final version, it goes way past that, but now I'm in a habit that doesn't actually come up enough that I've managed to correct it.
I don't think it even included actual Ikea erotica. It was that shortchanged, originally.
Hi there! I was recommended by one of your avid fans to give this story a try, and I must say it's certainly been worthwhile. You've done a great job especially with fleshing out and developing an environment from mostly scratch. Your rough-and-tumble Manehatten world is pretty cool to see being played out. To me there are almost shades of Boardwalk Empire, with the anti-hero main characters pushing their boundaries while wrestling with greed and good intentions. Personally, clop isn't a real driving force for me to enjoy a story. If it fits with the narrative and is well-written, great. If it's tacky then I could do without. It goes without saying that there is a LOT of it here, but overall you've been making it work, which is cool.
Now I did have some things that would be cool to be clarified, and I apologize if they've already been asked and resolved in older comments.
Something that's stuck with me throughout this story is that I'm not sure what effect the smoke is really having on Done Deal. I don't know if Deal is now travelling a darker path, making more morally-corrupt choices than he would have without his powers. It feels like it's only been alluded to a few brief times and that's it.
I might have just missed it, but I don't get the sense that I knew who Deal was at all before this story got going. There isn't a baseline to start descending from, if that's what your intentions were. We just knew he had an eye for pretty mares, and then poof, smoke time. Then we get the Deal we all know and love (?).
I borrow the comparison from Breaking Bad because they did an amazing job with it, but with that we got to learn about Walter White before his epic journey began. We got a chance to connect with what he stood for and valued at the beginning of the story. Sure, there were some issues and cracks in his foundation, but we could reasonably guess how the old Walter would have reacted to a situation.
The incredible fun came from seeing how association, circumstances, and own personal development changed all of that and corrupted him into acting completely different than his old self.
I hope this makes my long winded point. Do we know enough of the old Deal to know what the smoke is doing to him? Or would he have acted quite like this, even if he didn't have that power. Are you trying to toy with the idea of power corrupting him, or helping? Why does it truly matter if Done Deal has the smoke? Is he a bad guy or good guy, or is that deliberately open to interpretation?
One other major aspect is the challenges Deal is facing. I like how he still faces some obstacles, and has overcome some already, but most of those feel like they are just from circumstances that are beyond Deal's direct influence. Otherwise, if it's an issue that he can handle face on...then poof! Smoke it and problem solved. It almost seems a bit too easy, and to be brutally honest, a bit boring at this point in the story. Even the confrontation with Deep Tissue didn't seem like a big deal. It seemed like he could have at any time just threw more smoke into her to solve the problem. The only hurdles he seems to face are the ones he can't throw smoke at.
I like those, but it doesn't feel like they happen as often. I really like anything to do with Desert Rose because Deal hasn't been able to smoke her, so he has to come up with different solutions and use different skills. And his interactions with Pirouette are awesome as well, because of his moral standards with her and his refusal to use the smoke. Once again, we get to see Done Deal overcome his situations and not steamroll through it with his powers. What is the real antagonist of this story? Is it Deal himself as he wrestles with the dilemma of crossing lines he doesn't want to cross?
Once again, I really don't mean this to be biting criticism or anything like that. You've got an awesome story here that I've enjoyed and will likely continue to do so. I was just curious if these points were ever brought up.
Thanks!
5643326
I'm short-changing you on this reply, and I apologize for that, but I'm WAY overdue to get to bed. I'm willing to say more later, but the short version is, Done was a really good guy with no more than an eye for pretty mares before. Pirouette made references to that, but you're correct that it's not terribly thoroughly laid out. His less moral behavior is absolutely the smoke having skewed his perspective. That's its effect on him. It's worth noting that I'm not entirely happy with the beginning of Smoke, and that this is the first thing I've ever written longer than 6,000 words (not counting what I did for Blank Sheet, which was mostly conversion rather than original). I make no claims that I haven't botched some things.
Whether he's good or bad is deliberately left for the reader to interpret. He's clearly not a saint, but he himself is corrupted by the smoke, and didn't choose to be. He still cares about his girls. He protects them, pays them well, wants them happy, is miserable if they're crying. Does the fact that his corrupt actions are the result of his own, involuntary corruption (that he himself can't see) absolve him? If so, to what extent? Is he sympathetic, since, corrupt or not, he does want good things for others? Is he just an evil son of a bitch? Is he neither, but a pathetic failure for not somehow doing better? If I'm doing my job right, the reader will at least have to think about it. If he's totally unsympathetic, I've gone too far. If he's not objectionable when considered from a moral standpoint, I'm softballing it.
Finally, regarding the obstacles, yeah, most have been bumps in the road. Writing a story with a character who can alter minds at will has an inherent difficulty: someone with that power CAN usually get their way. It's my job to put him in situations where using the smoke would be dangerous (public, which is why finding a contractor has been hard, for example), but the primary limiter on his use of the smoke to force problems into resolution is himself. He hasn't just smoked Pirouette into line, no matter how much she fusses at him. He doesn't see himself as a tyrant, and that's not what he wants. Besides that, though, this is still the first part of Smoke. It's running VERY long, and that's entirely my fault. Put simply, we haven't hit things going seriously wrong for Done yet. We will. Not in the next chapter, or the next, but it'll happen.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate both the praise and criticism. This IS my first project of this caliber, and planning is loose and changes daily. Mistakes will happen, and I'll learn from those.
5643679
This is your first big story? That's pretty impressive. I'm glad that you've got a plan for this story and want to improve along the way.
I think you're toeing the line well so far with Done Deal. I am sympathetic to his good intentions, and his protective instincts. I'm also repulsed by his growing greed and selfishness. He's definitely no saintly Mary Sue.
You raised a good point that I didn't consider. Writing a character with god-like powers would be a lot harder than your regular joe, because it is more difficult to find situations where those abilities don't work. I'm gonna trust that the hard stuff is going to be on the way. (Heh heh, to go along with all the other hard stuff you write about. )
Certainly I want to improve. I'd say I have, even before Fable_Wright got involved, though having a second perspective is helping, too. If I didn't want to improve... I'm glad people enjoy Smoke, but seriously, looking back at some of it, especially the beginning, and knowing some corners I've painted myself into that aren't obvious to readers... yeah. Not wanting to improve would be pretty awful. Smoke's a very solid first long story, I honestly think, but it's by no means a masterpiece. I can point out plenty wrong with it.
Here's hoping you don't grow bored before it comes. Between some promised OC chapters, Ponyville Week, and everything else ahead to close out the first volume, the BIG problems are still a fair way off. But yeah, if problems shut him down or seriously trouble him too often, his power is more finite than I want for what's basically fetish porn with a plot. If problems don't interfere all that much, I risk bored readers, because there's nothing major for him to overcome. I've absolutely taken too long getting to major problems, and I can't rush to them (as I said, I've painted myself into a corner in a number of ways...), so all I can do is continue, try to do less superfluous stuff (aside from what's already been promised), and hope character interaction, sex, and the world are interesting enough to hold people's attention while I get to the real problems.
Note #1: You're the second person to compare Smoke to Boardwalk Empire, maybe more. I've never seen any of it, or any of Breaking Bad. I don't watch western TV. (MLP was a major fluke, and sadly that's in the past.)
Note #2: Thank whoever it was who sent you here, for me, please! I like when Smoke's reader base grows, but I actually hate it when I get featured (it's happened at least 3 times now), because the story does NOT appeal to the average reader, or even the average clopper, so "untargeted" advertising of the story does more harm than good.
Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese...
Oh dear, that ending was hilarious. xD
5678876