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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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That ending is such a tease, good sir....
Hnnng that was really well done and ties in neatly with the story!
Omg so good
I read some great comments on this story, and i have to say it was a big let down. In my opinion the story is bad because there is no progression between events. I'm not sure if it's due to the first person narrative or just the fact that you're rushing the story, but I just don't like it. Take this as advice, not hate, because if it is because you're rushing then slow down. Good job on getting it out and on the front page though.
5210481
May I ask if you're referring to the pacing of chapters in general, individual chapters specifically, or the progression between the chapters? Or is it something else? From my perspective, that of Smoke being an episodic series with a developing myth arc, the cuts between the chapters make sense, and I haven't personally had any problems with the pacing of individual chapters, but I'm interested in your perspective on this.
I love this. And to think this all came just from a Nightmare Night contest...
I'm really looking forward to seeing more of Shimmering Scales now.
I loved this chapter.
5210718
Your character is adorable, good to see she joined the cabaret crew.
5209824
Trick!
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or treat! ;)
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5211694
Thanks for the praise, everyone. This chapter was a lot of fun to write, but there's no question that Fable_Wright providing such a detailed character helped a lot. I did all of the writing, as always, but there were quite a lot of PMs back and forth, discussing Shimmering's personality, how she'd react to this or that, and so forth. That's normal when I use someone's OC. What's NOT normal, is that when I asked him to check the chapter to make sure I hadn't botched Shimmer's personality, he also provided really useful critiques on word choice and sentence structure. I consider myself a decent writer, at least, but the chapter is unquestionably better for the time he spent helping me polish it. I didn't take every suggestion, and sometimes I agreed with an issue but handled it differently, but his criticism was extremely valuable in every case.
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5210718
If I understand correctly, the issue is that the chapters are very separated and don't flow into each other. I definitely don't consider your criticism "hate." Thank you for taking a look and giving Smoke a chance! As Fable_Wright mentioned, Smoke is episodic. The first person perspective that you mentioned probably makes that stand out even more, but it's not an accident.
There are three reasons I keep the chapters separate and don't directly connect them much. First, and most importantly, Smoke is long. As you can see, it's already over 100,000 words. Distinct, separate chapters a few thousand words long help make it digestible. A reader can ignore Smoke for a while, grab two chapters, and stop again without losing track of minute details.
The second is that Smoke also takes place over a long period of time. When a book tells a story that covers a few days, chapters flow into each other easily. If there's a long period of time with nothing happening in a book like that, ordinarily they've got a gap similar to mine, but they do it once in a while, instead of every chapter. For me to fill in between events in Smoke would mean tens of thousands of words of fluff--because spread out over months like Smoke is, most of that in between is boring day to day business that's just not important.
Finally, the third reason is that as much as I try to make Smoke a story with some decent characters and a plot that's actually going somewhere (albeit slowly), I also don't want to lose sight of the fact that Smoke is, and always will be, porn. Separability is useful for someone who wants something to fap to. Once they know the basic idea of the story, if all they want is something arousing, they can grab a chapter and go, without being confused by temporarily important details.
You definitely are right about rushing in one place, though. The chapter Nine Stitches is flat out rushed, and is probably my biggest mistake with the story. The idea itself, I'm fine with, but it really should've been two chapters. Too much was packed into one.
That was some seriously awesome roleplay.
A hypnotic Lamia villain? I never thought I'd see this in Smoke, but it's here and it's amazing. There's just something seriously wonderful about watching a mind controller being put into a subservient position. Not to mention, I really like what was done with the tail.
I liked that ending too. Shimmering Scales is an OC I'm happy to see stick around!
And on that note, shout out to Fable_wright for giving us their awesome OC!
5210718
I agree, I think the episodic format fits a story-driven clopfic very well. All the chapters are neatly contained so that you're not missing anything if you read a random chapter just for the clop.
I would imagine it's also a bit more convenient to write, too, since the author doesn't need to waste time with transitions and fluff.
5211896
I'm gonna have to re-read Nine-Stitches again now. I don't really remember what was rushed about it.
That was the chapter that featured the battle with the gang, right?
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Thank you for the kind comments. To be honest, I was worried about the reaction to Shimmer being added to the Tall Tail's roster when Distant pitched the idea. I'm glad to see my fear was unfounded.
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You definitely deserve the praise for this. That said, I do have two points of "criticism" on this chapter...
First: With the way you ended this chapter and with what you did to Shimmering Scales, I hope you realize that you have to update the cover art somehow now. Ze audience demands it!
And second: You really should've made a proper link to Fable_Wright in that Author's Note. How was I supposed to follow him without a link?!
And I have no idea why I would start following someone just because they made one good OC, but here we are.
5218770
I provided the link to Fable_Wright you suggested, but art is always a problem. I'm happy with the cover image, and wouldn't want to replace it when Kill Joy went to the trouble of making it for me, but the design doesn't leave much room for him to just draw another pony in, assuming he'd care to. Getting a different artist is even more troublesome--I'm declined more than I'm accepted. Plus, I just agreed to pay for a pair of commissions from scenes earlier in the story, and I don't really feel like throwing more money at art this month. :P
5219117
I was just kidding, silly.
...Well, 70% kidding, I guess.
Still, the cover art is already awesome. And having you commission art like that is already pretty great.
5219117
Technically speaking, if Kill Joy still has the fully-layered file, it would be relatively simple to nudge the characters slightly to one side or the other and make a bit of room. Barring that, it wouldn't be hard to insert her futzing about with electronics atop the Tall Tale sign.
That said, I prefer to just stick to the headcanon that Shimmer's the one taking the picture. Much easier that way.
5211896 I understand what you mean about the episodic chapters, and I have been fine with that and actually respected the fact you did do it because not many ponies do, and with it easy to pick back up it gives the story some read ability. The thing that gets in the way of that is the rushed plots in the chapters themselves. like the normal show, you seem to rush the plot to keep it in a time frame (or word frame in your case) of course 9 has a problem and I thought it was... interesting but way too rushed. Unfortunately in my opinion they are all like that (9 was the worst of course) only acceptable part being the very first clop scene which I believe to be on purpose, like the smoke giving them a burst of lust. Honestly my favorite part given the interesting plot. Do you see what I'm saying?
5222541 Thanks for taking the time to clarify! Obviously, I misunderstood you completely before. I'll keep your opinion in mind going forward, and see if I can't avoid feeling rushed, but honestly, I don't really think I'll be making major changes to the pacing in chapters. Using the last chapter as an example, I could've had Done spend more time going mare to mare during the party, chatting with guests, etc., and perhaps a little of that would've been okay. It wouldn't, however, have been terribly relevant. Since Done wasn't going to be doing much with them, spending time on them beyond setting the scene would've been just filler, which I try to avoid. Now, I COULD have spent more time chatting up Shimmer, and that might've been worthwhile, but Done knew he wanted her that evening, and expected at the time to send her on her way in the morning, so it wouldn't have made too much sense. At the time, she was just a lay, and one he could get easily if he chose. Redheart was even more so.
There's a literary principle called "Chekhov's Gun," which I try to follow in any given chapter. (Obviously not in the story as a whole, or there would be no PC chapters.) To summarize, if a detail is included, it must be pertinent. I'm personally not big on slowing the pace for details with little effect on the main thrust of the chapter. I do understand people who would like a slower pace with more detail and build up, but that's not the style I favor, and I don't think the story is worse for that, just not what you would personally prefer. As you noted, the comments on Smoke are largely positive. That doesn't necessarily mean I couldn't do something differently, but there's an audience that seems to enjoy my narrative style. I may experiment with other styles on other stories, but generally, except for the first few chapters which need rewrites, and 9, which I just plain messed up, I think what I'm doing suits Smoke well.
Thanks again for your comments, though. I REALLY appreciate it when readers care enough to think about what didn't work for them and let me know. Even if I don't agree, it's something I can keep in mind for the future. Please forgive any typos here; I'm replying on my phone, and fighting with autocorrect.
5222993 Thanks for considering and replying not many people would take my critizism well, and I realize you're right its more personal preference than anything. I'm just an ass of a critic and bashed the story as a whole for it... whoops
Either way I respect your style, its just not to my taste, thank you for taking time to reply
And its fine, ive seen worse mess ups from autocorrect
Firstly, congratulations on reaching the 100k mark.
Secondly, I think that Done has been a little to visible with his physical changes with the smoke. I mean scales aren't subtle, and somepony will notice (especially at a routine checkup). I'm also wondering why he can't reverse the changes.
5223804
I went 16 years without a routine checkup myself. Easily avoided for a very, very long time. They're not actual scales, it's a pattern on her coat, and a shine to her fur. There are ideas for dealing with it, but besides that, if I have Done making no slip-ups for too long, this is going to get fairly tiresome. "Oh, another chapter. Let's see how Done effortlessly succeeds this time." It's already probably a little too far in that direction. Expect some (not TOO huge) turbulence in the next few chapters. Shimmering's fur won't be the source of the upcoming problem, but it provides opportunities for me to make Done scramble and/or put the team he's assembled to use.
I actually had reservations about the scale pattern when I suggested it, but Fable_Wright reminded me that Shimmering's specialties include makeup. She'd need significant time each morning, but the idea is a powder in her fur, the color of her coat, to take a lot of the shine out and blur the pattern. The risk then becomes if she gets wet and it rinses out. In the long run, I decided to go with it on two grounds: The MLP universe is full of randomly magical things and coincidences, and I'm comfortable playing a little loose with this as long as it doesn't become totally unnoticeable/so many ponies are changed it can't be missed, and I really liked the idea and felt it was worth it.
Oh, hey, that update a while ago put a spoiler button on the editor. Nice. Oh, and he can't just undo it because the smoke isn't a neat, tidy pony editor in gaseous form. The changes it causes are corruptions, even when they're not clearly malevolent. If you change something, you can often change it back--but it usually isn't exactly the way it was, either. Draw a line with a pencil and erase it. Look closely enough, and there's still a hint. He could probably make her coat a solid color again, make it more dull--but it wouldn't be "undoing" a change; it'd be doing a new one, and odds are good she wouldn't end up exactly as she was.
Edit: I don't have any other visible changes planned right now, and would be REALLY reluctant to do another one so overt in even the not-terribly-near future. I don't mean to poo-poo your concerns, but I've considered this one and decided it was acceptable, both for hiding it, and for creating issues for Done to deal with later.
5224651 I misunderstood the change, there's a big difference between fur that looks like scales and actual scales. I'd already figured there wasn't an undo button, but you could get close (or close enough to be inconspicuous).
I was seeing it as an unintelligent action to replace the fur with scales, one which was rather stupid (especially for somepony who could potentially know VIPs or have publicity). After clarification, it's much less suicidal and more kinky (and no longer a plot red flag).
As far as medical appointments go, I suppose she could be uninjured, have done fix it, or go to redheart in some manner. Now that I know it's still fur, as mentioned, not too alarming. Any pony doctor would notice their patient was partially covered in scales.
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Nah, I don't consider you an "ass of a critic" at all. I much prefer someone leaving a comment like you did over downvoting and moving on without a word. Mature criticism is valuable. Even if I don't agree with it, I pay attention to it. If you're interested at all, take a look at the other story I posted. It's a very traditional fairy tale, so it also moves fairly fast, but it's third person (like fairy tales always are), so I'm curious if it suits you better. It's over here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/144786/the-whistling-wings
5224912 I will do that soon when I have time thank you thanks for being so cool man, stay that way
5233211
Looking into that. <_< I'm kind of astonished no one else called me out on that; it's not a new chapter. >_> I debated changing the name throughout to Dusty Rose, as that was my original intention, and I feel like it's a better fit, but given that Smoke is kind of a living story and readers know her as Desert Rose, I'm going to suck it up and change the first two references to match the whole rest of the story. Thanks for pointing it out; I hate it when I make oversights like that.
5233872 I guess it helps that I came into reading this story late, and I have a good eye for finding missteps like this.
As it stands, I only have a chapter or two left before I'm up to speed, but I'll definitely keep my eyes peeled for anything else you might've missed.
5300098
With any luck, it won't be an issue again. I've got an editor now. By all means though, if I do something like that and it gets through, let me know.
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5300913
Speaking of slip-ups and editors, back in Kids Today and Their Music:
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Should be fixed. The pun-filled nature of Equestria is murder on me for that kind of thing. I search for "The Tall Tale" every time I write a chapter to make sure I don't use that by mistake.