Escaped SCP: Always running, never stopping
What is it like? Roaming around until you stand and your feet are tired? Do you know why that is? Because your feet, hooves, claws, whatever they may be, are always yearning to walk forever. But me? I can stand still, and keep moving. I can walk right, and go left, and I can walk forwards but go backwards. That is my curse, but also my blessing. I am Infinity, and I am beyond forever...
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I... What? I mean, it's really good, don't get me wrong, but... Well, let's just leave it at that. It was good.
This story might have trouble garnering any interest. Fics that begin with the sudden appearance of an overpowered alicorn OC with a two-toned color scheme are a dime a dozen, as are intro chapters that threaten the return of G1's Tirek as the hook. If this story is indeed going somewhere we haven't been a million times already, it does nothing to show it.
Character issues abound and threaten both the story's charm and believability. Celestia and Luna, the only two characters who the reader is predisposed to care about, do nothing in this chapter but exhibit awe and wonder at the new OC. I would expect more from the rulers of Equestria than a short-lived temper tantrum followed by a rush to subservience. Infinity, whom the entire premise rides on currently, is essentially a more annoying and less compelling variant of Discord. He comes across as severely unlikeable and, while that may be by design, he takes up over 90% of the dialogue in this chapter. Additionally, the only purpose he serves here is to warn the princesses of Tirek's return. The leads me to ask, why him? This obnoxious and overbearing alicorn isn't (ostensibly) on Tirek's side, so his power does not emphasize the warning given—if anything, it diminishes the hook. Given that Tirek's return is the means of getting the reader from this chapter to the next, why not deliver that threat in a way that illuminates the danger and highlights the originality of your interpretation of this oft-used villain? Aside from being the one to spit out the info, Infinity has seemingly nothing to do with the story's central idea. He is neither threatened by it nor a representative of it, so again, why him?
Stylistically speaking, there are several spelling errors, usually homonyms for what you meant to say. The dialogue (or monologue, as it stands) needs considerable work. Celestia and Luna need more to say. They barely contribute to the exchange and when they do, their reactions seem coarse and either out of character or lacking in it. Infinity, should you choose to continue involving a character who raises every Bad Fic Flag known to man, needs to be handled with greater care. Pay attention to his tone and wording—chaotic as he may be, he still needs consistent characterization and something, anything for the reader to like about him. Last, but not least, the story is sorely lacking in descriptive prose. I had difficulty envisioning anything that transpired in this series of events due to the absence of both scene setup and sensory detail. There are some very strange (if trite) things going on here, you could spare a few more words to make sure the reader gets the picture.
3336671 3336478
This story is nothing but and experiment. If you look at most of my stories, they're all video game crossovers with MLP. This is not. I wanted a work that would get a different reaction out of people that I know/have no clue who they are. So, thank you for the feedback and thank for unknowing (and probably unwilling as well) participating in this test.
A massively overpowered original character appears and the Princesses can do nothing to prevent him from messing in their turf (turning off the Sun)? This is a troubling sign. Massively overpowered characters are very, very hard to write well; as a protagonist, they tend to ride over any obstacles so easily that there's no tension in the story, while as an antagonist - well, that can work better (a good example of a massively powerful antagonist done well is Discord, in his first appearance) but it doesn't look like that's what you're going for here.
I'm not saying it won't work - a massively powerful protagonist can be made to work in many ways (see: Superman, though he's perhaps not as powerful as your character his various stories do use several techniques you might find useful to maintain interest). In general, however, the more powerful the protagonist, the harder it is to take the story seriously. Superman has Kryptonite for a very, very good reason.
However, you would have to write very well indeed to make it work.
3341164 Like I said, this was a test.
1 i love it 2 ive almost never seen a story with no thumbs down
@AkibaWhite
Well said.
Well said.
~QH
wow i really liked it although i don't see why it is labeled as dark or sad i see it as an alternate universe, random, and maybe comedy
although i sound like i'm complaining i really enjoyed this story