• Published 15th May 2013
  • 9,257 Views, 801 Comments

Discord Writes a Ship Fic - Phoenix Quill

It can get so boring up there in Canterlot, so to alleviate that Discord tries his talon at writing the most offensive literature his twisted mind can conceive.

  • ...

It all began on a Tuesday...

Discord had been bored to tears, common for him to be lately, but in Canterlot there never seemed to be anything he could do! If he tried to make the rain anything other than water, he got in trouble. If he glued macaroni on the oil paintings, he got threatened with being turned back to stone, and if the thought had even entered his mind to swap the colors of a particularly annoying noble, Celestia gave him a glare that just screamed, "Try it, I dare you."

It all began on a Tuesday. Tuesdays were always particularly boring for the lord of chaos. The frantic and fun weekend had come to a close, and the chaotic Monday that started a new work week had left taking the excitement of a fresh start with it, leaving behind only that stale feeling of there are still three more days till the next weekend.

In the Court of the Sun, Princess Celestia sat on her throne the very picture of serenity as she listened to the petitioner before her speak, "And as you can see here from these charts, you will find that if we were to pass Proposition seven-two-twelve B, we can bring the production of alfalfa up by twelve percent, and save Equestria in the long run, a total of seventeen bits a month. All it needs is an initial funding of six point five million bits to get off the ground."

As the stallion droned on about what he was proposing, Discord sat with his chin resting on his paw and eyes half lidded. He tried to focus, but constantly found his talon wandering about, tugging at his uncomfortable robes, or scratching his scalp under the insufferable powdered wig he was forced to wear whenever he sat in court. As he tried to focus, he felt his consciousness slipping like water through a sieve, or a pony on a banana peel.

"And if we are to look over here on this map of Equestria, we can see that over eight percent of our crops and products are based on alfalfa and it's prices, this would truly be a great boon to the economy if we were to enact this plan effective immediately."

Celestia opened her mouth to finally speak when suddenly the sharp snort of snoring echoed across the room. Celestia looked to her left at the seated ministers and gave Discord her best intimidating glare.

Discord gave his best look of innocence as he wiped the drool off his paw and pointed to the Minister of War sitting next to him. Celestia turned her gaze to the gryphon to see that he was indeed snoring softly with his beak tucked into his wing, "It seems that it's time we took a recess," Celestia stated, "Mister Wind Bag, we will continue this in thirty minutes after my cabinet has taken some time to gather themselves and have a cup of coffee. Court dismissed," with that Celestia tapped her hoof on the throne dais to officiate the break.

Almost as if a spell was lifted, sound returned to the room as the ministers and waiting petitioners all rose to exit the throne room. Discord stood and began to follow the rest of the ministers out when Celestia suddenly called, "Would the Minister of Practical Chaos, Lord Discord please stay for a moment, I need to speak with you."

Discord turned to Celestia and pointed to himself with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could manage, she responded only with a curt nod. Head hung he began to make his way over to her only to hear Nickolas, the minister of war snicker under his breath. Discord gave off a sigh as he met up with the Princess and bowed down, "How might I serve you oh mighty sun butt?"

If Celestia was offended, she hid it very well. Instead, she looked Discord over with her usual serene face, "Walk with me," despite the softness in her voice, it was not a request.

Discord's smile drooped slightly as he followed Celestia through a secret door behind the throne. The two wandered through the halls for a few moments in silence while Discord made his official robes disappear in a puff of purple smoke, while he changed his wig into cotton candy. Celestia visibly winced as she listened to him loudly smack his lips while eating the light snack. After a few moments she finally spoke, "You really thought that you could get away with that?"

Discord for the most part kept cool as he swallowed down what was left of his wig, "My dear Celestia, what are you talking about? Why, in fact I'm the very model of a modern minister general!" he said the words with a flair as a red parasol appeared in his paw and music began to swell.

Discord inhaled to begin the song only to find Celestia's hoof over his mouth, "NO no, stop that! None of that now, no singing!" The music that was building up slowed to a stop as if someone had let the record slow to a stop. "Now I want to know why you put nearly the entire cabinet to sleep during that last court session?"

Discord raised an eyebrow as he looked Celestia in the face, "Really? You really think I would stoop to something that low? In case you haven't noticed, Wind Bag has not only managed to waste time, but brutally murdered the last three hours with that petition," He paused to look Celestia in the eyes with a very serious face, something that looked foreign and surreal on his features, "I didn't have to do anything, their attention spans just puttered away after the second hour is all."

Celestia searched Discord for signs of dishonesty, a second nature trait for him, yet found none and gave a heavy sigh, "Regardless, do you even know why you have a title? Or why I created the Ministry of Practical Chaos for you?"

Discord rolled his eyes as he walked ahead of Celestia, leaving a trail of flowers growing in the carpet behind him, "To learn how to control my abilities in a public setting, learn how to apply them in a helpful manner, and to learn more about modern Equestrian laws and society."

As the two walked, Celestia nodded and made the flowers Discord left in his wake disappear, "And what have you learned so far?"

"That it's not okay to make raspberry noises during certain events. Oh and ponies don't usually like it when you bring their lunch to life to have revenge on their delicious fallen brethren."

The two came to a halt outside the castle library when Celestia turned to face Discord, "So tell me what's wrong? Why are you being so difficult today?"

"I'm not being difficult, court is just so BORING!" he moaned out loud as he placed an arm over his forehead, "And I am doomed to having to sit through who knows how much more of that idiotic Wind Bag's insufferable speech about how spending millions now could save us a few bits later. His math is more skewed than my imagination, and that's not a compliment!"

Celestia suddenly gave the draconequus a playful smile, "Well you could always take the day off, the ministers do it all the time if they really aren't needed. Spend some time to yourself, or better still you can talk with Twilight."

"Ugh," Discord stuck out his tongue and made a gagging sound, "The new princess? Why don't I just wake Luna up for a game of tag?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow at this as she opened the library doors, "I did not think Luna would still play that game."

"Oh she doesn't, but I'm sure if I pounced her while she slept and shouted YOU'RE IT she would chase after me."

As Celestia and Discord entered the Library, the silence pressed in on their ears, and the sight of the newest Princess greeted their eyes. Twilight Sparkle sat at one of the low reading tables, surrounded by books piled higher than Discord if he stood straight for once, "Twilight, you have company."

She turned around and gave off a small squeak of surprise before nervously smiling, "Oh! Princess Celestia! Hello," the sudden coughing of Discord filled the air, bringing her eyes to the floating draconequus. Twilight frowned in annoyance at his sight, "And Discord. What can I do for you Princess?"

Celestia laughed a little into her wing before answering, "Twilight, you don't have to call me Princess all the time. Do you hear me call Luna or Cadence by title?"

Twilight frowned as she thought about it, "I suppose not."

"Anyhow, I brought Discord over so you can have some company, take a break and play some chess, or have a nice picnic in the garden, it's a beautiful day."

Twilight frowned for a few moments before nodding, "Alright Celestia. Come on Discord, let's go to the game room"

Twilight stared at the chess board in contemplation before finally lifting a knight and moving it, "And it looks like Twilight is going for the short game," the copy of Discord off to the side of the room spoke in a calm, soothing voice.

Discord lifted up all his chess pieces and mashed them together, "And it looks like Discord is taking all his pieces to conglomerate them together to form ultra mecha chess-a-tron," he then dropped the strange stuck together pieces that vaguely formed the shape of a giant monster on the board.

Twilight felt the sweat drip down her face as she took one of her rooks and flipped it upside down, "And it looks like she has flipped her rook upside down, but will it have it's desired effect, that of confusing ultra mecha chess-a-tron, yes it looks like it's beginning to vomit."

Discord then flipped the table as the copy of him disappeared, "No fair playing by my rules! Your supposed to be good enough to beat me fair and square!"

Twilight stuck out her tongue at him, "Well you wanted to play by your rules, so I adapted," she replied with a small grin.

Discord gave Twilight an annoyed look before shuffling off to find something else to do, "You know, this castle life is really bringing me down. When I was king, we used to take ponies that broke the law or wanted to waste my time with idiotic petitions and catapult them out of the city."

Twilight gasped slightly as she raised a hoof to her chest, "Discord, that's awful! How could you?"

"Like this," He snapped his fingers making a small model of a catapult appear with a chess knight loaded up. The catapult launched the knight to the far side of the room leaving a pony head dent, "It's simple really. Between you and I, lawyers made the funniest screams."

Twilight frowned, "Well tough news Discord, you shouldn't have done it then, and you try it now and not only will I turn you back to stone, but I'll send that statue to the center of the earth!"

Discord gave a small grin as the model disappeared, "Worry not, I did promise, and what is more chaotic than for the bad guy to actually reform?" He paused as he looked out the window and began to eat a cup of noodles that appeared in his talons suddenly, "I just miss being able to do what I want when I wanted. I feel stifled creatively, like... Like an artist that had his canvas taken away, a poet without his muse."

Twilight tilted her head "Is that so? What about your room? Didn't Celestia say you can do whatever you want in there?"

Discord looked at Twilight and gave a smile, "You just don't get it do you princess? How would you like it if I were to tell you that millions of beings suddenly hated you because you became an alicorn, something you never asked for but you were destined to do all along?"

"I guess I see your point," Twilight said. Her ear twitched suddenly as the thought ran through her mind, causing her to shudder. Quickly she pushed the thought away and used her magic to grab a newspaper that was lying on a table. She opened it up to and felt slightly calmer once she began to read.

Discord kept looking out the window, and realized that a strange mood had struck him. It wasn't boredom, nor was it joy, or even sadness. As he kept looking out at the statues in the garden he gave off a heavy sigh, "Twilight, what is that feeling you get, when you are upset but not quite, and you just want to reflect on yourself? Where you just feel but you don't know what it is?"

Twilight looked up from the newspaper and shrugged with her wings, "Perhaps melancholy, or feeling reflective. I'm not sure, I can't feel what you're feeling."

Discord snapped his fingers as he kept looking out the window, causing the chess pieces scattered around to march back onto the board they belonged. Twilight kept reading the paper as she tried to keep a conversation alive, suddenly she spotted the list of recommended stories and got an idea, "Have you ever thought of writing a story?"

The draconequus tilted his head in curiosity, "Why on earth would I want to do that?"

Twilight folded her paper before explaining, "Well, your new job is bringing you down with the court, and you can't share your particular talent the way you envision without making somepony angry or risking being turned to stone again. So why don't you write a few stories to get some of those pent-up feelings out."

Discord tugged on his beard as he thought about it, "Twilight, I think your idea is dumb, and you're dumb for suggesting it."

"Oh come on, do something creative to keep your mind occupied, it'll be fun!"

Discord floated over to Twilight and felt her forehead, "Are you feeling alright? I swear that you must be running a fever if you think that I would spend my free time doing more work when I could do anything else."

Twilight swatted his paw away with a hoof, "And what are you doing that is so important when you aren't running your ministry or sitting in at Day Court?"

Discord gave a dark chuckle as he waited behind a potted plant and waited. The sound of hoof steps came closer, he couldn't help but sneak a peek at the victim. Luna bopped her head up and down as she softly sung to herself, "Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars,"

Discord snickered to himself once again as he snapped his fingers, instantly the floor under the Night Princess disappeared. Luna gave out a sudden shriek as she dropped down before she could open her wings, and she plummeted down into the room below.

A sudden splash of her falling into water echoed through the hall followed by the voice of a young stallion, "Well well well, wishes do come true!" The voice echoed up from the floor below followed by an indignant gasp, and the loud smack of Luna punching him in the face while Discord rolled on the floor in merriment.

Later on, Discord was found in his room, watching the Daring Do toys he enchanted reenact one of his favorite scenes from the books where Daring, and her sidekick, Quite were struggling to escape from the pit of peril.

Suddenly his door slammed open to reveal a soaked wet, and angry Luna, "Well well well, look what the cat dragged in," he said with a laugh.

Next thing he knew, Discord discovered how lovely Equestria looked two thousand miles away when he was sitting on the moon.

"Oh, you know... Stuff."

"Look, just think it over. If you write something, you can send it to Equestrian Printing, and they will put it in their catalog so anypony can order a copy of it."

That evening, Discord was in his room laying back on his bed and trying to concentrate on one of the devices that was presented to him by one of his staff. He turned the device over and over again trying to decipher whether or not Celestia would approve of a device to let anypony use magic like a unicorn.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as the pegasi brought in the last of the storm clouds for the evening, it had been weeks since the last storm, an unusual move for the weather team to decide on for mid spring weather. As a result the water reserves were beginning to run low from all the water sucked up by lawn maintenance and they were forced to get a storm going at last.

Discord yawned as he turned the device over, testing its integrity a few times by using it to pick up his potted piranha plant a few times. For the most part it worked perfectly, but once in a while it would short out and drop the plant, or surge and turn the plant into a bottle of soda for some reason.

He finally placed the device down and gave it his stamp of approval, guaranteeing that it will be presented in court as soon as possible. The light pitter patter of rain began to pelt the window and he turned to look, "Just boring old rain, as usual. Maybe I can shake things up a bit."

Discord looked left, then right making sure that the coast was clear, then snapped his fingers, powdered lemonade mix appeared and he grinned as he sent it up into the clouds, "That ought to be interesting."


Quickly he made the powder disappear, "Nothing Luna!" It never failed that whenever he attempted something like this, either Celestia or Luna would catch him, then came the part he hated.

His door suddenly flew open to reveal the Princess of the Night, "Discord! What have we told thee about thine chaotic trickery?!"

Discord backed away slightly, he might have been more powerful than her, but for some reason Luna scared the living daylights out of him, "I, er that is to say I was just.. There were these pegasus ponies, and they had all this powdered lemonade, and I saw them and I said, HEY! What do you think you're doing?"

Luna snorted in disdain, "Why don't you just write a story if that's what you wanted to do," she turned and looked around the messy room and sighed slightly, "Keep out of trouble, or I send you for another vacation. This time on the sun."

Discord shuddered slightly at the thought and nodded as Luna shut the door. He then quickly stuck out his tongue at the door, "Oh yeah? Well your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberry! Yeah, that's what I should have said..."

"WE CAN STILL HEAR THEE!" Luna shouted through the door before taking off down the hall.

Discord quickly threw his paw over his lips and stayed silent. After several tense moments he finally relaxed and let out a sigh. He looked around the room, what was once a neat and organized room given to him from the princesses, now reflected his personality. Random inventions from his ministry filled spaces on the walls while several wild and strange plants grew out from the floor and ceiling. A dog made of bologna sat on the bed attempting to eat itself while a python sat in his small rocking chair listening to the radio.

As he looked around he spied a clock hanging on the wall, it had no numbers, seven hands and was shaped like a dodecahedron, but he seemed to understand it anyway, "It's only nine? What am I going to do ti'll I fall asleep?!"

He continued to stare off into space, and as he did some of the events from earlier ran through his mind.

"Why don't you do something creative to keep your mind occupied, it'll be fun!"

"Why don't you write a story if that's what you wanted to do."

"You can send it to Equestrian Printing."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"It'll be fun."



The thoughts flashed in his mind, and he suddenly got an idea. A wonderful idea, Discord came up with a wonderfully awful idea. A light bulb appeared over his head and he shouted, "Eureka! I've got it!"

Discord snapped his fingers and a personal computer appeared on his desk, "If I'm going to write a story, I'll do it my way!" Suddenly lightning flashed in the background as Discord laughed maniacally, then hit the power button and waited for the computer to load.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, the PC finished booting up and Discord sat down, ate the light bulb, and began to write.

Author's Note:

draconequus is hard to spell...

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